"You are looking well"

[Nevermay]

I can't stand this, I get it constantly from stupid ignorant pricks who have no idea what they are talking about and it is so upsetting that I am becoming a recluse just to keep away from them.

No, being bloated out by steroids does not mean I am "well". It means I need massive doses of strong medication to counteract the terrible side effects of chemotherapy taken because of devastating cancer.

Don't bloody tell me I look "well". Don't bloody say anything at all

I find it's used in a vaguely flirtatious way too. It's a euphemism for "I fancy you"

Cancer is such a devastatingly awful thing to happen and people don't know what to say. There's nothing they can do to fix it, and everything they might want to say sounds so trite in the face of what is happening to you. So they panic a bit and put their foot in it by saying something dumb like 'you look well'. They don't mean to upset you or to piss you off.
And people can't cope with hearing too much reality - most want to go through life not thinking about the truly awful experiences that could potentially happen to them too.
Head in the sand approach is how lots of us get through life.
But honestly no one is meaning to upset you further, they are just clumsily trying to find something to say which doesn't make you feel worse.

I'm upset to read this thread. My mum currently has cancer for the third time. I have said this to her - when she looks more well than the last time I saw her. She had some shocking side effects from the chemo and antiemetics for a while but eventually they seemed to get the balance right. The drawn look went from her face and some colour returned. She looked "well" compared to before and I thought she would like to hear it. She hasn't shown any signs of taking offence.

But the one that tipped the person with an ED into restricting was exactly that. And I see very little difference between what was said to my sister and me - that she looked great when emaciated - and the 'you look well' remark. Just don't comment on people's weight at all.

I have frequently used the phrase "You look well" for a variety of reasons. Whether it's to acknowledge someone's post-holiday glow, a noticeable change in weight, or a radiant complexion, my intention has never been to offend.

Likewise, I have had the same said to me - normally after I have just had Botox - which I find amusing, not an insult to suggest I normally look old and tired pre-botox. But then I do tend to have a positive outlook, seeing the humor in such situations rather than dwelling on any potential negatives.

It seems to me that individuals who interpret this phrase negatively might be dealing with their own personal insecurities or projecting their own standards onto others.

I'm in Scotland, it's a commonly used phrase, given as a compliment.

The post isn't about commenting on people's weight. Your comments were about weight, no one else's.

No she hasn't. It's only in MN weird-world that other people decide what you mean when you say something. As has been pointed out abovv, it's a perfectly normal and friendly thing to say to someone in some regions

I learnt this from MN. I had no idea it could mean someone had gained weight. People have said it to me but I've always had a BMI smack bang on the healthy range and been size 8. I don't think everyone that says it os implying you're fat - even if you have gained weight.

I find it's used in a vaguely flirtatious way too. It's a euphemism for "I fancy you"

Ha! Yes, definitely here in NI. Then you find there's a whole different set of reasons why you might prefer somebody not to say it😅

It’s just another example of toxic positivity. When someone is having a hard time, and people think they’re helping by giving unsolicited advice, or telling them things will work out ok…. sometimes people just want to be heard, don’t give them advice unless they ask. Don’t tell them it will be ok. Just listen, be present and sympathise.

I hear you OP.

Op, sounds truly awful what you are living through. I doubt all these people know every small detail about your medical situation and all its consequences though... therefore they aren't intending to offend you. Understandably, you seem really angry and perhaps you're taking this anger out on well meaning people who are just trying to be kind.

If they know you are unwell then it's bizarre that they are saying this rather than just saying hello.

I hope the treatment is working and it gets better soon.

As to other PPs, you look well can mean anything and nothing - I really don't think it refers to weight in particular.

I think that's different - you and your mum know each other very well. She may very well want to hear when she's looking better. You can always ask, but I wouldn't worry.

Oh dear. I say this quite often, I mean nothing more than you look well and I'm pleased to see it. If it's the result of medication that presumably is helping them (or they wouldn't be taking it) that's their business.

Why don't you want to be thought to be looking well? What would you prefer someone to say as part of a polite casual greeting?

Some people seem to be missing the point that OP has cancer. Telling someone with cancer that they look well isn't the same as telling it to someone who isn't going through a traumatic and life-threatneing illness. It belittles their experience and can come with an unspoken suggestion of "you don't look THAT ill" as if you're some kind of attention-seeking malingerer.

This used to piss me off big time as well, it's almost as though they are denying your right to be ill.

People would also take one look and me and say "you've recovered well". Knowing absolutely nothing about the pain I was in or the psychological trauma I was dealing with. I found that no one was interested in sympathising. They just wanted everything to be OK and so pretended it was.

It's the entire point. That the phrase suggests weight gain has been a big part of this thread.

Hi op, sorry you're battling such a terrible disease. I'm on steroids too at the moment for kidney disease - they're an abhorrent medication with all the horrible side effects on top of tour illness. They affect our mental health too. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself and if you need to, avoid people for a bit as they can't really understand unless they've been through it. X

I dont use the phrase by the way, but saying you look well is absolutely not a comment on someone's weight! If you choose to take it that way that's on you. But it is not at all about someone's weight.

People said all sorts of things to me when my husband died, they still do sometimes. I just put it down to them not actually knowing what to say as opposed to going out of their way to be malicious.

If you read this whole thread you'll see that a lot of people ascribe that meaning to it. So if the meaning is that ambiguous and may upset people, it doesn't seem a big sacrifice for people not to use it.

Just don't comment on people's appearance unless you know them well, it's not that hard.

Yeah I've read the whole thread and only on MN would people attribute you're looking well to weight gain. Like I said I dont use the phrase, but I only commented on your post because you directly said that it was a comment on someone's weight. It's not.

We’ll all be afraid to say anything to anyone soon. People don’t mean any harm by it, so try not to be offended.