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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wedding drama

317 replies

Emotionalstorm · 04/04/2023 01:16

I am the maid of honour for a friend I've known since primary school. She has planned and replanned her wedding down to small details since she was 6. She is having three weddings, one in the US and two big ones in London (one will include everyone and the second will include only close friends).

I am expected to be in attendance or helping her from 6am that day till the wedding ends in the early hours of the next morning.

My husband will be coming with my daughter who just turned three for the church bit from 10am till the end of dinner. She is the flower girl so she cannot come any later. She normally takes her nap at 1pm for approximately one hour after lunch.

I know the bride was offered a honeymoon suite so asked if my daughter could nap there for one hour during one of the intermissions. She seemed very upset and said no. I didn't take it personally and moved on quickly and booked a hotel room nearby in another building. I figured that she wouldn't be using it at that time (she will be taking wedding photos) so it may not be a big deal but I didn't expect her to feel so insulted.

She's been telling everyone how cheeky and entitled I am. She shouldn't have even been put in such an awkward position. Also she kept emphasising that it's called the honeymoon suite for a reason and recounts the story every time we meet up as a group. I asked without thinking and I apologised. I was not offended or upset when she said no but she won't really let this go. She asked me what kind of tone deaf best friend would ask for the a newly wed couple's honeymoon suite.

I feel like a jerk but I don't know what I can do since I've already apologised. I've also organised & spent over two thousand pounds on her hen night. It had all of her dream activities in and she said it was perfect. I paid for my own bridesmaid dress because she said that the wedding is costing a lot so I offered to cover my own costs so as to not be a burden. I have also been at her beck and call without complaints re the wedding planning for two years. I've attended monthly meetings with her so I've also given up a lot of my time. Am I being unreasonable to think that she should just accept my apology and move on. I was thoughtless. I've learned my lesson. I don't know what else she wants from me.

OP posts:
Whattt44 · 04/04/2023 09:06

Emotionalstorm · 04/04/2023 01:32

No she is usually normal; not especially empathetic but not this bad. She has been really awful since she got engaged. She refuses to talk about anything apart from weddings. When I mentioned that I was renovating my kitchen she told me she is only interested in weddings at the moment and doesn't want to talk about anything else.

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Bollocks , anyone who says anything like this needs help.

Emotionalsupportviper · 04/04/2023 09:07

Emotionalstorm · 04/04/2023 01:52

I will do this. If she doesn't accept it then I don't think there's anything to salvage. I don't like how I am when I'm with her currently. I really don't do this with anyone else. I think it's because I've known her for so long and she has been supportive when I went through a tough patch.

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she has been supportive when I went through a tough patch.

Unless she gave you a kidney, you don't owe her this.

IhearyouClemFandango · 04/04/2023 09:07

The wanting to be on the property deeds isn't a red flag though

pinkySilver · 04/04/2023 09:07

I'm sorry to hear this OP. You sound really nice - and a good friend.

I understand about that loyalty of wanting to be there for someone who was there for you when no-one else was. And that's admirable. But people change and you've more than repaid the friendship of those school days now. You can still be a good friend to her without having to spend all that time and money on her.

I suspect the power balance shifted when you got married and had more money than she did . And she saw herself as being entitled to what you had.

I don't think you're a mug. I think you are a good and loyal person who gives a friend the benefit of the doubt. But you've seen her for what she has become now. You have a lovely DH and a child and presumably other lovely friends so you can focus on them from now on. They deserve you and will appreciate the care you take for them.

I think I'd be backing out of what I could and rethinking things going forward. Good luck OP.

TedMullins · 04/04/2023 09:08

Emotionalstorm · 04/04/2023 01:48

I eloped. The bridesmaids paid £600 ish. I covered the bride's share of the bill (I booked her a nicer room) and also paid for all the hen do accessories, and subsidized her mum and sister since they couldn't afford to go.

Show quote history

I’m staggered. There is not a person on this planet I’d do this for. I’ve already pre-warned my friends that if and when they get married, if their hen do is going to cost me over £100 I’m simply not coming! Why are you being such a mug for this ungrateful swine?

ShirleyPhallus · 04/04/2023 09:10

She’s a dick but I can’t believe anyone would let someone treat them like this

Emotionalsupportviper · 04/04/2023 09:12

I’d give the marriage a year. IME the more superficial and OTT the wedding, the shorter the marriage.

A number of psychological studies confirm your observation @MayThe4th . When it is the "day" rather than the "deed", so to speak, relationships don't last long.

It's the husband and in-laws I'm starting to feel sorry for now.

mrsbitaly · 04/04/2023 09:14

Honestly the more posts/comments I see you put up the more baffled I am in allowing someone to treat you so badly. I know sometimes the stress of a wedding can turn people self absorbed but this goes beyond this. You've bent over backwards for her and spent an awful lot of money and time to support her but she wants to know nothing about what's going on in your life and wants to humiliate you at any given opportunity.

I know you'll stick this one out for the wedding but you were not wrong to ask for the room I know how tricky a toddler can be without their sleep and she wasn't wrong to say no, but to carry on belittling you is not a good friend.

Tell her your sorry for asking but can she stop bringing it up as its making you feel uncomfortable and that you can't apologise any more than you have done.

Oceans1000 · 04/04/2023 09:15

You have been at this woman's beck and call and she has happily let you spend your time and money on her, she is not a friend!
I can understand you not wanting to make a stand at this late point but after the wedding please grow a backbone and don't let others walk all over you, value yourself more.

Emotionalsupportviper · 04/04/2023 09:16

She says that I'm richer than her so it would be weird for her to be the one giving me money. The combined household income of my husband and I is over 10x of her combined household income with her husband.

@Emotionalstorm - if you are married to Elon Musk, she still doesn't have the right to demand you pay for everything.

Every post I see makes me more and more sad for her husband.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 04/04/2023 09:17

You're not a wonderful friend or a wonderfully generous and selfless person. You're just a mug.

Emotionalsupportviper · 04/04/2023 09:19

Emotionalstorm · 04/04/2023 02:55

The reason why I decided to go ahead with the wedding this weekend (providing she accepts my apology and drops her grudge) is because I won't be behaving badly just because she is. It's for me. It's not for her. I don't plan to put any effort into our friendship after this weekend. I will go NC.

Being the better person and not stooping to her levels etc - this is what enables people like her to pull this sort of trick time and again.

Shoot her down in flames, for heaven's sake!

LookItsMeAgain · 04/04/2023 09:20

CockSpadget · 04/04/2023 01:48

She saw you coming didn’t she. You need to woman up and tell her straight, that if she mentions it again, she can stick her wedding and honeymoon suite up her arse.

@Emotionalstorm - I got as far as this post and have to agree with CockSpadget, and I'd even hold the sword of Damocles over her. You've mentioned that the bookings (or a large part of them) are in your name - I'd consider threatening her that you're going to cancel the whole lot - She can go through the hassles of re-booking them if she doesn't get her act together and stop being such a bridezilla.

Now I'll go back and read the rest of the thread.

SpeckledlyHen · 04/04/2023 09:20

ShandaLear · 04/04/2023 07:59

It’s indicative of the kind of person she is that she wouldn’t let a three year old, presumably three year old she loves and is very close to since she has an important role at the wedding, to have a nap for an hour in her room. That’s actually pretty mean of her. It’s a honeymoon suite, not some sort of sex dungeon. Rather than her being angry with you, you should be getting angry with her. She has rinsed you in this ridiculous overwrought, OTT wedding fiasco, won’t let your DD have a nap for an hour in her room and therefore costing you even more money, and then has the nerve to embarrass you in public about a simple request that wouldn’t inconvenience her in any way. I would not apologise and if she brings it up again I’d straight up say, ‘You are being ridiculous. I wanted an hour for DD at a time you wouldn’t be using it and instead you’ve let me incur yet more expense, and continue to try to humiliate me in front of other people. I have bent over backwards for you, listened to endless wedding talk, bought my own and DDs outfits and accessories, and paid for you on your hen night, and you still can’t be pleasant about a simple request. Hopefully once these weddings are over we’ll start to see the real you again, because the real you would never have said no to letting a little kid have a nap in her room’.

Excellent message.

Greyarea12 · 04/04/2023 09:21

Her wedding sounds more like a show and she has yous as the performers, including your daughter. She sounds like an absolute dick, one that you need to ditch.

Crumpleton · 04/04/2023 09:22

People treat you how you let them.

It sounds as though you have done so much to please her at great expense to yourself and her behaviour is a disgrace.
She's just wanting a servant and you're fitting the job.

This is no real friend

Laska2Meryls · 04/04/2023 09:25

I really want to know if she has three wedding dresses....

RudsyFarmer · 04/04/2023 09:27

What the fuck kind of best friend is this? She’s your best friend?!! What are your other friends like? 😯

Emotionalsupportviper · 04/04/2023 09:28

EthicalNonMahogany · 04/04/2023 06:56

@Emotionalstorm come back after the wedding and tell us how it went?

Please, please do this.

xsquared · 04/04/2023 09:28

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 04/04/2023 09:17

You're not a wonderful friend or a wonderfully generous and selfless person. You're just a mug.

OP might be a mug, but that doesn't mean she's not a good friend, amd what you've posted isn't helpful.

OP, people like her will never be grateful no matter what you do for them, it is never enough.

She's been there for you during a difficult time in your life, but she's made the last couple of years very miserable for you. You don't owe her anything, and she doesn't respect you anyway.

Are you sure you can't back out of the wedding?

If you really cant, I'd go just this one time and withdraw from the other two. After that give her a wide berth and just focus on what and who actually matters to you.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 04/04/2023 09:29

This Covid is a bugger. Isn’t it? And so unpredictable.

Still, it would be irresponsible of you and your daughter to come to a function like a busy wedding when you might infect other people.

LookItsMeAgain · 04/04/2023 09:40

I honestly wouldn't be giving up my Easter bank holiday weekend to some one who is as inconsiderate and wrapped up in their own world along with being as grabby as possible) she sounds terrible. Every post you put up about her @Emotionalstorm she is coming off worse and worse.

I'd just not go to the wedding this weekend. Cancel your hotel stay. Batten down the hatches and send her a message
"Hi Bridezilla - I'll not be going to your wedding this weekend or in the US or anywhere else for that matter. DD is no longer your flower girl. I am no longer your MoH. You've treated me appallingly considering the effort (both financial and emotional) that I have put in to your hen weekend/weddings so far. You keep bringing up my request for DD to have a 1 hour nap in your hotel room even though I've apologised multiple times for it. I've had enough. I will not put up with your bridezilla attitude a moment longer. I'm sending this message to your H2B too so that he can see what he's getting in to before he takes his vows and understands that this was the final straw. Bookings that have been made in my name have been cancelled. You will have to deal with suppliers yourself as I wash my hands of you. I wish your H2B all the luck in the world as he's going to need it - Emotionalstorm"
Or something along those lines.

Don't go. Don't give them a second thought.

Enjoy your Easter weekend.

whowhatwerewhy · 04/04/2023 09:40

I would have to pull her up on her attitude towards you asking for your DD to nap in her room and the subsequent humiliation.
I would remind her of all the work/ support/ financial contributions you have put into making her dream wedding and hen do .
Tell her how hurt you are at her attitude to your request.
I definitely wouldn't be going to another of her weddings.

gogohmm · 04/04/2023 09:51

What this whole scenario seems so ridiculous I'm questioning if it's not true, i feel really sorry for you. I can't get over 3 weddings! 2 isn't uncommon if marrying abroad but 3?

Teamonkey123 · 04/04/2023 09:53

I'm with Aquamarine 1029, I would suddenly be very I'll on the day, why let her beat you with the scapegoat stick any longer? She doesn't sound like the kind of person who enriches your life.

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