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Original poster

Wedding drama

317 replies

Emotionalstorm · 04/04/2023 01:16

I am the maid of honour for a friend I've known since primary school. She has planned and replanned her wedding down to small details since she was 6. She is having three weddings, one in the US and two big ones in London (one will include everyone and the second will include only close friends).

I am expected to be in attendance or helping her from 6am that day till the wedding ends in the early hours of the next morning.

My husband will be coming with my daughter who just turned three for the church bit from 10am till the end of dinner. She is the flower girl so she cannot come any later. She normally takes her nap at 1pm for approximately one hour after lunch.

I know the bride was offered a honeymoon suite so asked if my daughter could nap there for one hour during one of the intermissions. She seemed very upset and said no. I didn't take it personally and moved on quickly and booked a hotel room nearby in another building. I figured that she wouldn't be using it at that time (she will be taking wedding photos) so it may not be a big deal but I didn't expect her to feel so insulted.

She's been telling everyone how cheeky and entitled I am. She shouldn't have even been put in such an awkward position. Also she kept emphasising that it's called the honeymoon suite for a reason and recounts the story every time we meet up as a group. I asked without thinking and I apologised. I was not offended or upset when she said no but she won't really let this go. She asked me what kind of tone deaf best friend would ask for the a newly wed couple's honeymoon suite.

I feel like a jerk but I don't know what I can do since I've already apologised. I've also organised & spent over two thousand pounds on her hen night. It had all of her dream activities in and she said it was perfect. I paid for my own bridesmaid dress because she said that the wedding is costing a lot so I offered to cover my own costs so as to not be a burden. I have also been at her beck and call without complaints re the wedding planning for two years. I've attended monthly meetings with her so I've also given up a lot of my time. Am I being unreasonable to think that she should just accept my apology and move on. I was thoughtless. I've learned my lesson. I don't know what else she wants from me.

OP posts:
horseyhorsey17 · 04/04/2023 09:55

Personally, as someone who likes to keep the peace, I wouldn't end the friendship etc or send an angry email. I would speak to her face to face and just calmly ask her why she's going on and on about your (completely reasonable) request to let your child have a nap in an unused room for an hour. It's at 1pm and she and her new husband will not be having sex it it, so what is the problem?

And I probably would withdraw from that friendship afterwards tbh. It might be that she's just being a bridezilla as weddings do send people crazy, but it does sound like a very draining, one-way and therefore a non-friendship at this point.

Rosula · 04/04/2023 09:55

SleepingStandingUp · 04/04/2023 08:23

I have limited sympathy on your covering costs, since they couldn't afford to go to something you planned. You could have planned something people could afford.

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But Bridezilla had already given OP a list of what she wanted. You can absolutely bet that if OP had gone off piste she would never hear the last of how she'd ruined Bridezilla's hen night and the whole wedding into the bargain.

raincamepouringdown · 04/04/2023 09:56

Your friend sounds like a selfish, entitled user.

You deserve real friends. She isn't one of them.

Bananalanacake · 04/04/2023 09:58

Is she wearing a different dress for each wedding, does each dress cost over a thousand pounds.

diddl · 04/04/2023 10:02

So everyone she has been telling about you asking to use the honeymoon suite will just think she's a nasty idiot I would have thought.

Honeymoon suite for a reason?

I'm presuming then that she doesn't live with her fiance or at least hasn't had sex with him?

Pushmepullu · 04/04/2023 10:03

Hope she has enough mates to console her when the marriage fails in the first year. Anyone this obsessed with their wedding doesn’t have time for the relationship. After the wedding they realise the only thing they had in common was the wedding!

Rosula · 04/04/2023 10:05

diddl · 04/04/2023 10:02

So everyone she has been telling about you asking to use the honeymoon suite will just think she's a nasty idiot I would have thought.

Honeymoon suite for a reason?

I'm presuming then that she doesn't live with her fiance or at least hasn't had sex with him?

It sounds to me as if they're already married, having had wedding no. 1 to do the legal bit already as OP said the bride was in a hurry for that. Which makes it all the more ridiculous to insist on the sanctity of the "honeymoon suite".

MaidOfSteel · 04/04/2023 10:05

You're the amazing friend, OP. Not her. She doesn't deserve you. And you don't deserve to be treated like a cash machine, or something that she trod in. Genuine friends just don't do that.
I'm relieved to hear you'll be stepping back. I bet your lovely husband is, too!
Sending you very best wishes.

BlackFriday · 04/04/2023 10:05

Wow, there are some unpleasant posts on here. Why are people putting the boot in and calling the OP a doormat and mug and so forth? How is that helping, fgs. Also, it's all very well advising her to pull out and leave the bride in the lurch but would you all REALLY do that? Actually do that in real life, when it would ruin things for not just the bride but also all their mutual friends? As she has said herself, she needs to act in a way that she can live with afterwards.

@Emotionalstorm I think you sound like a great friend and this whole scenario has probably come about in a "boiling frog" thing, whereby it's gradually crept up on you and it's only now with this extreme wedding behaviour that your eyes have been fully opened.
I think the poster above has it bang on with the suggestions of calling her out next time she starts up on the bedroom nap thing by saying, "Can you please stop with this now? I've apologised," etc.. I once chucked my toys right out of the pram with someone who was behaving similarly and she was so taken aback she did an about turn and stopped. I don't think anyone had ever pushed back on her before.

magicthree · 04/04/2023 10:14

But, if you are the maid of honour and your daughter is her flower girl and you cut her off straight after this wedding with no warning, that’s going to be a really shitty thing to do as you and your daughter will be in most of her wedding photos and they will all be painful for her to look at forever if you have suddenly dumped her straight after the wedding.

Why would OP care? I seriously doubt this so called "friend" is capable of feeling pain. I can't see this marriage lasting anyway so it really won't matter who is in the photos. What is wrong with this woman's future husband, he is going to live to regret this.

Planning and re-planning a wedding since the age of 6, along with having three weddings, one overseas, is the sign of someone who cares far more about the wedding than the actual marriage.

DRS1970 · 04/04/2023 10:17

Your friend doesn't sound like a very nice friend.

MsRosley · 04/04/2023 10:17

This woman is having THREE weddings. That's all you need to know about who is entitled here.

Natty13 · 04/04/2023 10:19

Emotionalstorm · 04/04/2023 03:04

My daughter isn't a really bad kid. She is a bit inflexible. She thinks things should be done properly. So if say someone drops a tissue on the floor she wants to pick it up and tell them off. She also gets cross and tells my husband off when he doesn't put his shoes on the rack or blows out her birthday candles by accident. My husband also calls her a milk monitor and a know it all when she's not present (affectionately).

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I just wanted to say I want to be friends with your daughter she sounds great! Love a confident little girl. I am pretty headstrong and my biggest wish for my daughter is that she grows up confident and sure of herself.

Sorry that was unhelpful regarding the wedding. I usually take no shit from anyone however would also go to the moon and back for one of my close friends so need to be careful I don't be friends with piss takers. I think if it was me I'd put my foot down about the nasty comments - in a matter of fact way tell her it needs to stop, maybe point out how much you've done for her - and if it continues tell her you are withdrawing your practical and financial support from this spectacle because clearly you've pissed her off so much asking for something that costs nothing that she can't get over it so there is no point continuing. I'd say you didn't sign up to be unpaid wedding planner and hen do financier but you did it because you love her but you draw the line at being beaten over the head for something innocent every time you see her. You can say these things in a gentle but clear/direct way. Difficult conversations are always easier if you just say them quite matter of fact and present your feelings on it as fact. Makes it harder for the other person to respond to emotionally or twist.

diddl · 04/04/2023 10:19

It sounds to me as if they're already married, having had wedding no. 1

Thank you.

Couldn't quite figure out if any had happened yet!

So she's got married then had a hen do.

So this holiday weekend isn't even a wedding ceremony but a blessing?

RedEyeBaby · 04/04/2023 10:20

Methinks she'll be divorced within the year.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 04/04/2023 10:21

When I was 24, my childhood best friend from age 5 fell out with me, well she actually accused me and our other best friend (known since we were 13) of stealing from her. It ended all of our friendships as I told my other best friend as she’d just had a baby and I didn’t want any problems from social services or the police. I’ve got no idea even now if either of them did do anything (impersonating her at post office to claim benefits). I think about 5 years or more ago the other best friend is sort of on very loose speaking terms with her. I’d had the odd row with my best friend as teenagers but it always ended with me going back to her apologising.

One thing which really angered me was my best friend told me her boyfriend who was a family friend of mine had told her he didn’t think I had the bottle to do this. So basically someone who’d taken her on holiday, my DM treated her as almost a second daughter and we’re much more well off than she was (council house family) and she got pregnant at 18, got a council flat and this was all as she told me, to get away from her DM. She regretted having her kids young as she told me this and was jealous I had a job, flat etc. When I foolishly rung her about 6 months to a year after our friendship ended I was spoken to so awfully that I just put down the phone and never spoke to her again. She tried to get back in touch with me, visited my DM’s house but never apologised to me.

The great thing for me was I met a load of new friends including a best friend at 24/25 so I moved on.

Anyway OP, the reason I’ve given my story is that some people change over time, jealousies or stories crop up. I’d go to her wedding etc, let your DD be flower girl but then back off a lot with no explanation.

I’ve known a few brides and not all of them are bridezillas for what it’s worth!

burnoutbabe · 04/04/2023 10:28

I would not attend the isa one unless you really want to go there for a holiday. I also wouldn't expect any travel or flights paid as it's your choice to attend or decline.

I'd pull back from the friendship a kit but I can't see that she is a totally shitty person. High maintenance yes but she hasn't told you to pay for her plus mum and sister on hen. You did that yourself. You also could have just organised a simple local night out but didn't.

The hotel thing -I'd put her stories after as just her being a boring person who had limited storytelling ability. Often in families people harp on about one thing about someone ("and then they dropped the mayo!!") years after. Just limited conversation ability.

Overall I'd say you need more boundaries but she doesn't seem that bad, bar wedding obsessed. Certainly not worth ruining her upcoming wedding for by dropping out last minute and sending nasty emails like others suggest.

But do remove yourself from more planning, maybe hint you are ttc so can't take in more (if appropriate) and will have to see what happens and book flights later in year so don't count on you being there. See what happens if you give less. Maybe it will go back to normal?

HalliwellManor · 04/04/2023 10:35

She sounds like a class A bitch,I genuinely don't see the problem with your DD napping in the honeymoon suite,bride won't be using it at that time so where's the harm?.
I'd cut her loose after the wedding,nobody needs a 'friend' who treats them like shit.

ohfook · 04/04/2023 10:36

I've been to a wedding before in a country where weddings traditionally go on into the small hours (this one was a 3 am finish!) and the lovely bride specifically booked a room with a double and two twin beds to be designated to anyone who needed their kids to either have a nap or just a Chillout from the main wedding. Obviously my kid's had no interest in napping in an exciting new room mere metres away from dancing and unlimited food, but the thought was there.

Imo you weren't unreasonable to ask and she wasn't unreasonable to say no. Her other behaviour has been unreasonable though.

Viviennemary · 04/04/2023 10:40

I think it was a bit cheeky of you to ask for their honeymoon suite for your DD's nap. Have you not got your own room booked. But she shouldn't be going round telling everyone. Just let it go if you want to keep the friendship.

Crumpleton · 04/04/2023 10:40

Bridezilla seems to have a problem letting go of OP's request for her DD to have a nap and is telling all that will listen.

Let's hope she's finally got over it by the wedding day/s and hopefully she won't be a complete bitch by announcing it as part of her wedding speech .

Echobelly · 04/04/2023 10:42

I wish people would be realistic about having cute little flower girls. If they're under about 4 you have to accept they may need naps, may on the day not be in the mood to be in a wedding proccesion and accept that there's a possibility you won't get your cute little flower girl because of the vaguaries of pre school children. My DN was my flower girl when she was 3 (and I had no bridesmaids) and I'd been asked to give honeymoon suite to let her nap I would have no problem. The bride is being very petty.

HalliwellManor · 04/04/2023 10:44

Just to add OP,you're not a mug at all.
You are a fabulous,kind and amazing friend who has been massively taken advantage of by bridezilla.

Itakecreaminmycoffee · 04/04/2023 10:47

I can't actually believe this is real as I just don't believe anyone would be so pathetic as to carry on being "friends" with this nasty bitch.

Where is your self-respect OP? She's sitting there slagging you off to everyone at every opportunity and you're just allowing it? Hmm....

Mycoffeemugismassive · 04/04/2023 10:50

You bought your own bridesmaid dress because she says her wedding (s!!!!) are expensive. The woman who is having 3 weddings. And you’ve spent £2k keeping her happy

I think I’d be seriously rethinking my ‘friendship’ with her