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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding drama

317 replies

Emotionalstorm · 04/04/2023 01:16

I am the maid of honour for a friend I've known since primary school. She has planned and replanned her wedding down to small details since she was 6. She is having three weddings, one in the US and two big ones in London (one will include everyone and the second will include only close friends).

I am expected to be in attendance or helping her from 6am that day till the wedding ends in the early hours of the next morning.

My husband will be coming with my daughter who just turned three for the church bit from 10am till the end of dinner. She is the flower girl so she cannot come any later. She normally takes her nap at 1pm for approximately one hour after lunch.

I know the bride was offered a honeymoon suite so asked if my daughter could nap there for one hour during one of the intermissions. She seemed very upset and said no. I didn't take it personally and moved on quickly and booked a hotel room nearby in another building. I figured that she wouldn't be using it at that time (she will be taking wedding photos) so it may not be a big deal but I didn't expect her to feel so insulted.

She's been telling everyone how cheeky and entitled I am. She shouldn't have even been put in such an awkward position. Also she kept emphasising that it's called the honeymoon suite for a reason and recounts the story every time we meet up as a group. I asked without thinking and I apologised. I was not offended or upset when she said no but she won't really let this go. She asked me what kind of tone deaf best friend would ask for the a newly wed couple's honeymoon suite.

I feel like a jerk but I don't know what I can do since I've already apologised. I've also organised & spent over two thousand pounds on her hen night. It had all of her dream activities in and she said it was perfect. I paid for my own bridesmaid dress because she said that the wedding is costing a lot so I offered to cover my own costs so as to not be a burden. I have also been at her beck and call without complaints re the wedding planning for two years. I've attended monthly meetings with her so I've also given up a lot of my time. Am I being unreasonable to think that she should just accept my apology and move on. I was thoughtless. I've learned my lesson. I don't know what else she wants from me.

OP posts:

Maray1967 · 04/04/2023 10:51

CockSpadget · 04/04/2023 01:48

She saw you coming didn’t she. You need to woman up and tell her straight, that if she mentions it again, she can stick her wedding and honeymoon suite up her arse.

This is exactly what I would say. She needs to get very worried that you will pull out, even if you don’t intend to. Basically she needs to learn one hell of a lesson.

I ended a friendship years ago over something that was similar - not as dramatic, but I was being used. Her parents were friends with mine - tough. I’ve had to remind my Dad a couple of times why I ended it - it might be a bit awkward for him but that is not my problem. If your parents don’t put you before their friends, you have got bigger problems there.

beAsensible1 · 04/04/2023 10:56

Emotionalstorm · 04/04/2023 01:32

No she is usually normal; not especially empathetic but not this bad. She has been really awful since she got engaged. She refuses to talk about anything apart from weddings. When I mentioned that I was renovating my kitchen she told me she is only interested in weddings at the moment and doesn't want to talk about anything else.

Show quote history

😂 make this your running joke once the wedding is done. whenever she calls, sorry i only want to talk about "random subject". and just keep doing it.

just little things to highlight that she was being an absolute twat. she's your mate, give her some grace and then some good natured ribbing forevermore.

it'll be fine

WarriorsComeOutToPlayay · 04/04/2023 10:57

OP you sound lovely and I think it’s unfair to call you a pushover. I think you are just a very good, loyal friend who was prepared to give an awful lot. It’s a shame your friend is so graceless and undeserving.

Flyinggeesei234 · 04/04/2023 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SerafinasGoose · 04/04/2023 11:08

Emotionalstorm · 04/04/2023 01:38

It is a bit weak of me. I'm not usually this much of a pushover at work or in my personal life but I've known her for so long I would prefer not to lose the friendship if it is just a one off due to the wedding. Also our families are very close and I might get a lot of blowback from my parents for leaving her in a difficult situation this late in the game.

Show quote history

OP. It's a well-worn cliché that weddings - not to mention funerals - make monsters of people.

Not so.

The monster has to have been there to start with.

Sickofcoughing · 04/04/2023 11:10

You sound absolutely lovely OP. She sounds like a user. By the sounds of it you are financially well off, as is her husband's family. I don't think this is a coincidence.

She sounds awful; money grabbing and self obsessed.

Her publicly humiliating you is unforgivable.

I agree that you maintain your decent standards of behaviour for yourself. Why should you invite the stress and inevitable kickback from mutual friends that sending nasty emails or not arriving this weekend would cause?

I would calmly put my foot down in person though.

"I think it's unkind and unfair how you keep bringing this up. I asked, you said no and that was fine with me. I even apologised for asking. That should have been the absolute end of it.

I've gone to a huge amount of effort and personal expense for your weddings and can't believe instead of gratitude I'm getting criticism."

starfishmummy · 04/04/2023 11:13

I've been to weddings where a thoughtful bride has got a room especially as a place where guests can go and feed/change babies and toddlers (and possibly they napped too).

But nothing this in this thread is suggesting she is thoughtful

ShandaLear · 04/04/2023 11:23

It sounds like she is jealous of your wealth. She wants you to bankroll her and at the same time make it clear that you are not ‘better’ than her by putting you in your place. Some people feel very entitled to other people’s money and it’s a one way street, hence no support and even sneers when you wanted an hour for your little one in her room. Remember, friends support each other so take care you don’t end up feeling used.

Flyinggeesei234 · 04/04/2023 11:27

Oh come ON! Reported. Absolute rubbish.

Strawberrydelight78 · 04/04/2023 11:29

Wtf is she having 3 weddings? Talk about self centered. At 3 though your daughter is a bit old to be having a nap. Mine just used to sleep in they're buggy. Because we would be out. That was only until they were about 2 though. Or the odd time on holiday. How does she manage on days out?

PinkyFlamingo · 04/04/2023 11:32

Why are you letting yourself be treated like this? This woman is going to have nothing when the wedding is over.

Nanny0gg · 04/04/2023 11:34

Strawberrydelight78 · 04/04/2023 11:29

Why do people think that all children should behave the same?

Some will sleep anywhere, some won't. Some can cope on little sleep, some can't.

And my eldest had naps till she started school, where she coped just fine.

billy1966 · 04/04/2023 11:35

OP,

She has indeed got her teeth into you and your pocket.

What a user.

You sound so nice.

What a pity your lack of self esteem has brought you to this place.

This is so not normal.

That it has gone on for so long, that she has to repeatedly humiliate you, tells you how little she thinks of you, your request was perfectly reasonable.

Your daughter sounds dotey, but if you don't wish her to be vulnerable to users, please look at building your self esteem and respect.

It must be very difficult for your husband to witness all this, not like het, yet you pay no attention to what he thinks?

People pleasers are not easy to live with.

They are very stressful people to be around because they attract users.

Two years of this?

Unbelievable.

Do not go at 6am to the hotel.

That 2k would have been better spent on therapy!

I strongly suggest you get some, for yourself and your family.

Nanny0gg · 04/04/2023 11:35

WarriorsComeOutToPlayay · 04/04/2023 10:57

So?

And stranger things have happened that are all perfectly true.

But this isn't a nasty or upsetting thread, so who cares?

Shade17 · 04/04/2023 11:37

I feel so sorry for the poor guy she’s marrying! She’s an absolute nightmare!

billy1966 · 04/04/2023 11:39

Save your kindness for decent people, not user losers like her.

ReneBumsWombats · 04/04/2023 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I had suspicions.

WarriorsComeOutToPlayay · 04/04/2023 11:44

Nanny0gg · 04/04/2023 11:35

So?

And stranger things have happened that are all perfectly true.

But this isn't a nasty or upsetting thread, so who cares?

Show quote history

Eh? @Nanny0gg did you mean to quote my post as I can’t make sense of yours as a reply to it.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/04/2023 11:50

Who the F needs three weddings?

If you are actually her friend, this is point at which you need to tell her she is being a dick.

Just bow out now and let her get on with pissing everyone else off.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/04/2023 11:51

Emotionalstorm · 04/04/2023 01:32

Show quote history

She's not your friend, why are you doormatting yourself for her?

Next time she uses your perfectly reasonable request, & your perfectly cordial acceptance of her "no" against you in public, why don't you stand up for yourself & cite the facts?
I've also organised & spent over two thousand pounds on her hen night. It had all of her dream activities in and she said it was perfect. I paid for my own bridesmaid dress because she said that the wedding is costing a lot so I offered to cover my own costs so as to not be a burden. I have also been at her beck and call without complaints re the wedding planning for two years. I've attended monthly meetings with her so I've also given up a lot of my time.

I don't accept the "bridezilla" excuse.
People choose their behaviour, & this is the real her.

ReneBumsWombats · 04/04/2023 11:51

Who the F needs three weddings?

Well-pitched antagonists.

abcchipmunk · 04/04/2023 11:52

Yep your friend sounds completely selfish. Don’t know why she’d be going round telling people about what happened - you just asked, she needs to move on
However right now I feel the best thing you can do for yourself is to give her the benefit of the doubt, she must be stressed for the wedding. Maybe after you can distance yourself from her, but for now I would say don’t wind yourself up or you’ll end up having a rubbish day and feeling resentful. Just think of it as she’s being a Bridezilla, laugh and try to enjoy the rest of the coming plans as best you can

honeyytoast · 04/04/2023 11:53

Is everyone just skipping over the THREE WEDDINGS part??

crimsonpeak · 04/04/2023 11:59

Your friend is horrendous. 3 weddings?! Planning since she was 6?! Give me strength.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 04/04/2023 12:02

She's being an arsehole. I would never have had an issue with what you asked, but then again I wouldn't have a wedding either!

Have you considered it may be partially because she's expecting you all to sneak in and decorate the room for them instead?

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