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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to sit in the corner and rock gently?

217 replies

fugitall · 13/02/2008 20:36

My parents said we could build a house in their garden, we moved into their house, got planning (took 2 1/2 yrs to achieve), now they won't sell us the land, won't let us build, and have told us it's tough. They'll give us the market value of the plot, but we can't buy a house for that amount, we could have built a lovely house for less than it will cost us to buy a tiny house.

Still live with them, but can avoid them on day to day basis. DH wants a showdown. I want to cry.

They're my parents. The are double hard bastards, always have been, so I don't want a confrontation, but DH is really cross.

OP posts:
Original poster
fugitall · 13/02/2008 20:58

I'm crushed, I'm a grown woman, why should I give a shit about the way they treat me/us.

OP posts:
alfiesbabe · 13/02/2008 20:59

Hang on.... am I reading this right? They'll give you 150K when they sell, and you've spend 40K so far on costs? So surely you'll still end up better off? I think your parents behaviour sounds utterly bizarre, but it also sounds as though you've been living possibly rent free(?) or at a low rent for over 2 years, and they will give you the value of the plot?
In your situation I would get out asap and rent your own place, and buy once you get this money through. Ok, you may need to work full time, but many of us do, that's real life, and tbh to have not worked full time for the last 12 years would be a luxury for many people.

Original poster
fugitall · 13/02/2008 21:00

They've always been into tough love. When i was dating dh and they didn't approve, they told me to choose! I chose him, and we all moved on, but this is why I shouldn't be surprised. Why am I still so hurt?

OP posts:
TurkeyLurkey · 13/02/2008 21:01

I imagine your DH is finding it hard to accept as he does not have the parent ties that you have.

Get your money off them that you have paid so far ASAP (with interest).

Then decide with DH what you'll do when you've had time to have a good think. Must be a nightmare for you, living there too. The gits.

Original poster
fugitall · 13/02/2008 21:04

I've got 4 kids, so childcare is not economical. I've worked for a pittance in their business for the whole time, and dh has done odd jobs for them.

It is a good profit, it's just not what we came for!

150k buys 150 square meters of house if you build, but a two bed terrace ready made. We sold our house 2 years ago, so have been mortgage free, but also equity free.

OP posts:
Twiglett · 13/02/2008 21:04

So you've spent 40K

You are going to get 150K

so that's 110K clear

you were going to have to get a 150K mortgage to build anyway .. make that 200K no doubt with land

and you can't buy anything with the 110K deposit and 150 - 200K mortage (ie 260 - 310K)

is that right?

alfiesbabe · 13/02/2008 21:06

Thats what I was thinking Twigg - something doesnt add up here.....

cheeset · 13/02/2008 21:09

Grand designs on?

Original poster
fugitall · 13/02/2008 21:09

Yes, but we have to wait for them to sell. It took 1year and 5 months for them to get the bank to release the deeds for us to buy the land. They only wanted 20k, but I insisted on 30k.

I agree it's a good profit.

It's the waiting..........

Who knows if they'll change their minds when they do sell?

OP posts:
Cappuccino · 13/02/2008 21:10

isn't the point that they are now stuck till their parents sell?

and the parents aren't exactly rushing into it

Original poster
fugitall · 13/02/2008 21:10

Grand designs has been our church for years!

OP posts:
Cappuccino · 13/02/2008 21:11

if they won't sell why do they have your £30 grand?

Original poster
fugitall · 13/02/2008 21:11

But we would have wickes doors so when dd's throw hairdryers etc, we won't mind!

We'd never show Kevin, the shame!

OP posts:
Twiglett · 13/02/2008 21:11

well if you're nice about it and smart you could have a family pow-wow and get it all in writing

or you could ask them to act as guarantors

or you could encourage them to put their house on the market sooner

do you really want to build in their garden and be their neighbours anyway

I'd want to be miles away tbh

Original poster
fugitall · 13/02/2008 21:12

Cap, good question...

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Carmenere · 13/02/2008 21:12

So can you up the offer to buy the land for what the market value is?

TurkeyLurkey · 13/02/2008 21:13

What would piss me off most was the fact that its gone on for 2 years, and then they have changed their minds at the eleventh hour. House prices have risen since you last sold yours too.
Its about them going back on the deal they made. Makes it a whole lot harder to deal with when its your family too.

Original poster
fugitall · 13/02/2008 21:13

Twig, you're right. I want to move to outer Mongolia!

OP posts:
Twiglett · 13/02/2008 21:13

do you have anything in writing?

did you just hand over 30K no receipt / written contract?

have you been paying rent?

Carmenere · 13/02/2008 21:13

wouldn't want to live beside them tbh, even in 200 sq m

alfiesbabe · 13/02/2008 21:14

I can see your point, and I didnt mean to sound totally unsympathetic. It sounds as though your lives have become totally wrapped up with your parents - you sold your house and moved in with them, you say you've been working in their business for a pittance, your dh has been doing odd jobs for them.... the problem with this approach is that when things go sour, they go spectacularly sour. I would make plans immediately to regain independence from your parents. Get another job (yes, childcare costs are a drain, but they're a fact of life, and if you have a 12 year old then at least one of your kids is in school all day). Move out and rent, or buy your own place and get on with living your life.

HonoriaGlossop · 13/02/2008 21:15

If this were me I'd take back only the money you've spent - 30k plus 10k on architects, wasn't it?

It will be far better, easier, clearer to sort property matters out on your own as a couple, like most people do

i think your instinct to not have a showdown is right. Take what's yours when they sell and chalk it up as a learning experience - it's taught you that once you're an adult yourself it's not worth being so under the control of, and at the mercy of the whims of, your parents

Original poster
fugitall · 13/02/2008 21:15

Carmen, i'll ask, but I bet they won't budge.

OP posts:
Original poster
fugitall · 13/02/2008 21:18

My little sis has just phoned.....

She agrees we should get the fuck out!

OP posts:
alfiesbabe · 13/02/2008 21:23

There you are then - get the f*ck out!

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