Page 4 | Partner won’t allow me to see his phone

Marmitelover93 · 2023-01-29T00:04:36+00:00

i could see a notification flash up on my partners Apple Watch which looked like a females name … it took me about 10’mins to process it and when I asked him he said he didn’t know anyone with that name and it might be twitter notification (often random peoples tweets appear as notifications). I asked if he could show me his phone messaging history- not the messages just those he was messaging and he said no repeatedly. I said I couldn’t trust him as this was his one way to prove he hasn’t been unfaithful and if he can’t show me in the moment there and then then I’m not sure I can continue in this relationship. We have been together 1 year and are living together. AIBU?

Luredbyapomegranate · 29/01/2023 08:46

NomadicSoul · 29/01/2023 08:28

So OP, you think he's doing cocaine, you know he's doing drugs which you don't like and he's eyeing up women and commenting on them to you despite you saying you don't like it and you're worried if he might be hiding stuff on his phone.

Given the above, he probably is hiding stuff on his phone (probably his drug dealer for one thing), but given the above, why do you care and why are you still with him? The drug use and the comments about women alone should be enough if you don't like either.

There's more people out there and most don't do drugs or content on women in front of their partners.

Fwiw, if my partner wanted to look at my phone, she can. I've nothing to hide. It's not a diary or a confessional, it's a phone. I use it to ring people, look stuff up and send emails and messages. If any of that needs to be hidden from my partner then I shouldn't be doing it (unless it's buying them a present obviously). I ask them who they're messaging or who messages them and vice versa when we're chatting in bed. It's not a big deal.

In a previous relationship a name flashed up on a partner's phone with the first part of a message while they were sleeping in my arms. I moved to silence it so it wouldn't wake then and saw the message fragment. The message fragment was talking about remembering their naked body. You can bet your ass I snooped after that and my partner woke to find me leaving them.

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Well this is a drip feed OP!

Just split up with him for heavens sake.

The PPs are right that it isn't normal to demand to see your partner's phone, but neither is it normal to get into a long term relationship with someone who clearly isn't capable of one right now. Neither of you is ready for a relationship.

LilLilLi · 29/01/2023 08:46

Mumsnet is like a parallel universe sometimes.

I’ve seen hundreds of posts where women suspect their partner is cheating and the general advice is to ask to see his phone; his reaction will tell you everything, or to snoop while he’s asleep and take screenshots of anything found.

The OP does exactly that and is told she’s being abusive and controlling?

Given the other threads it is highly likely he’s hiding something but that’s irrelevant at this point - he takes drugs, eyes up other women in front of you and is secretive with his phone. Why would you want to stay with him?

MajorCarolDanvers · 29/01/2023 08:46

DuplicateUserName · 29/01/2023 00:08

I'd tell my husband to get to fuck if he ordered me to show him my phone and then emotionally blackmailed me like that.

Me too

You either trust someone or you don't.

It's ok to have friends and get messages from people of the opposite sex. I have male friends who message me and I'm not shagging any of them. I don't have to prove that to my DH or vice versa.

Nowthatlovehasperished · 29/01/2023 08:48

This happened to me Op and guess what? He was cheating and he didn't let me see his phone then and there as I would have seen everything.

MichelleScarn · 29/01/2023 08:51

saraclara · 29/01/2023 08:40

I use it to ring people, look stuff up and send emails and messages. If any of that needs to be hidden from my partner then I shouldn't be doing it

So @NomadicSoul you think that my partner should have the right to see the conversation where I was talking my friend down from taking his own life?

That's rubbish. You do what you like, but respecting your friends' privacy by not letting others read a conversation, doesn't make that conversation wrong, or imply that you shouldn't have had it. .

Agree @saraclara or the messages from a friend talking about the devastation at a still born birth and her body still prepared for a baby with the leaking breasts and bleeding and hating herself as she didn't want her partner or other child near her and the self loathing she felt for this? But yes phones should be open to all..

Calphurnia88 · 29/01/2023 08:52

Tessisme · 29/01/2023 08:38

Slightly off the point, but I don't understand why people are so precious about their phones. Maybe I'm old. OK, I'm old! But DP and I leave our phones lying around. I use his regularly to call mine when I've lost it for the gazillionth time. I check his notifications to see if it's a call or message he's waiting for. I even go in and read the message if it IS one he's waiting for and then tell him it's there. I have his 'permission' to do this. He uses my phone to scroll the internet because it has a bigger screen. He uses it to find his missing phone. Potentially he could go into my WhatsApp and read messages between my cousin and me where I occasionally complain about him! But I'm fairly sure he doesn't. Maybe he complains about me to his sister. I don't know. The point is, I don't keep a diary of my personal thoughts on there. It's just a phone. The day he tells me I can't look at it or starts taking it into the toilet with him, is the day I'll start being suspicious.

Context is key.

DP knows the passcode for my phone - he could go into it whenever he wanted, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't. If my phone is on the other side of the room (closer to him) and a notification pops up I might ask him to check who it's from, or even open it up and read it out if appropriate.

That isn't the same as DP seeing a notification pop up on my phone and demanding to go through my messages to show him I have nothing to hide.

Swiftswatch · 29/01/2023 08:55

No this is insane. He doesn’t have to go through his phone for you ‘to ease your mind’.
Your anxieties don’t get to control other people.
You clearly don’t trust him and it won’t stop here so the relationship is pointless. Him showing you the phone will make you feel calmer for a short while and then you will be back onto the next thing.

Original poster

Marmitelover93 · 29/01/2023 08:56

Yeh this is what I mean- I do not mind if my partner read through my messages or looked at my notifications and I would like to reiterate I WAS NOT demanding to go through his phone - I simply asked if he could show me himself the WhatsApp screen with his recent chats so I could glance at who he has been messaging so I can have clarity. But no apparently I’m abusive

OP posts:

tigger1001 · 29/01/2023 08:59

Marmitelover93 · 29/01/2023 08:11

thank you. Not sure why everyone is calling me abusive. I am simply asking for him to show me to ease my mind. If it was the other way around I would very happily show my partner my messages and infact I would be happy for him to thoroughly scroll through them as I have nothing to hide.

I say this as someone who has been abused - it can be abusive behaviour. What you are saying to him is you don't trust him.

This is exactly what my ex did. Demanded to see my phone. And if there was nothing there, it wasn't because I had nothing to hide, it was because I had somehow deleted it.

If he showed you his phone can you honestly say it would put your mind at rest? You have to ask yourself why you physically need to check his phone rather than take his word. Either you don't trust him and he is cheating, or you just don't trust him. Neither are good for a relationship. If there isn't trust, then it's time to walk away - for the benefit of all involved.

Thoughtful2355 · 29/01/2023 08:59

I have no problem with my husband looking at my phone especially if asked, but I couldn't be with someone who wouldn't show me a phone when it's to settle my mind on something I've seen

Tessisme · 29/01/2023 08:59

That isn't the same as DP seeing a notification pop up on my phone and demanding to go through my messages to show him I have nothing to hide.

Yes, fair enough. I see what you mean.

Original poster

Marmitelover93 · 29/01/2023 09:01

Yeh this is the issue I am having because I wouldn’t want to end the relationship if he hasn’t been unfaithful

OP posts:

BubziOwl · 29/01/2023 09:03

@Tessisme I have a similar opinion to you, but I'm probably on the younger end of the range of mn users. I don't understand this "phone is an extension of myself" thing I've seen a few times on this thread. I totally respect it if that's how others feel, and I understand it's a red line for lots of people, but it's just not a feeling I recognise in myself or my partner. It's so irrelevant to me, I just really couldn't bring myself to care if my husband looked through my phone. I understand others feel differently though

Scottishskifun · 29/01/2023 09:03

Have you got low self esteem or been cheated on in the past OP?

As this isn't normal behaviour to have to have your mind put at ease because they got a message! Either you trust your partner or you don't. If you don't then it's no basis for a relationship!

PrincessConstance · 29/01/2023 09:04

The problem with phones is, the concept of trust is being used as a cloak to deliberately hide affairs. Speeding up the process and making it easier to do so.
Both DP and I have had people approaching us to hook up behind the other.

Thighlengthboots · 29/01/2023 09:05

DuplicateUserName · 29/01/2023 00:38

It's ok to have names on your contact list that your partner has never heard of before.

Again, if my husband demanded to see my phone because a name flashed up that he didn't recognise, and told me he couldn't continue the relationship if I didn't hand my phone over I'd quite happily tell him to get to fuck.

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I would too- thats incredibly controlling. I have lots of male contacts on my phone and I am shagging NONE of them. If my husband demanded to know whom was contacting me and why I'd tell him to fck off. I wont be monitored like some 1930s housewife who isnt allowed to have male friends. If the only way you can trust your partner is by checking their phone then you have massive issues in the relationship.

WandaWonder · 29/01/2023 09:06

Marmitelover93 · 29/01/2023 09:01

Yeh this is the issue I am having because I wouldn’t want to end the relationship if he hasn’t been unfaithful

If you keep on carrying on like this he may do it for you

riotlady · 29/01/2023 09:06

YABU, it’s a total overreaction to seeing a possibly female name in his notifications. Whether or not you would mind showing him yours is besides the point- you don’t just get to make demands about other people’s privacy.

My ex was like this- first it was my phone, then it was giving him all the passwords to my emails etc. then it was being questioned anytime I went anywhere or talked to a man. It’s suffocating.

indywindy · 29/01/2023 09:07

I just don't understand why your partner just wouldn't tell you the name of the person he was messaging even if he didn't want to show you his phone.

If it was me I'd just take his phone and look myself.

NomadicSoul · 29/01/2023 09:09

saraclara · 29/01/2023 08:40

I use it to ring people, look stuff up and send emails and messages. If any of that needs to be hidden from my partner then I shouldn't be doing it

So @NomadicSoul you think that my partner should have the right to see the conversation where I was talking my friend down from taking his own life?

That's rubbish. You do what you like, but respecting your friends' privacy by not letting others read a conversation, doesn't make that conversation wrong, or imply that you shouldn't have had it. .

You'll notice the part where I was talking about myself and you won't notice the part where I was talking about you.

You can if you so wish read what I didn't write into my writing and then tell me that's what I meant, because you know me better than, but I didn't.

I was talking about myself and not you. You do whatever the hell you want to.

MarchingGiraffes · 29/01/2023 09:09

YABVU. It is his phone and you have no right to invade his privacy like that.

Your anxieties and insecurities are your own and he would just be enabling them if he were to placate you by showing you his phone.

Working on yourself and if you genuinely can’t trust him, leave.

NomadicSoul · 29/01/2023 09:11

MichelleScarn · 29/01/2023 08:51

Agree @saraclara or the messages from a friend talking about the devastation at a still born birth and her body still prepared for a baby with the leaking breasts and bleeding and hating herself as she didn't want her partner or other child near her and the self loathing she felt for this? But yes phones should be open to all..

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Again, I was talking about myself, hence the word "I" and not you.

Original poster

Marmitelover93 · 29/01/2023 09:12

Yeah I have a feeling the younger demographic would be responding differently to this

OP posts:

SleeplessInEngland · 29/01/2023 09:12

Marmitelover93 · 29/01/2023 08:56

Yeh this is what I mean- I do not mind if my partner read through my messages or looked at my notifications and I would like to reiterate I WAS NOT demanding to go through his phone - I simply asked if he could show me himself the WhatsApp screen with his recent chats so I could glance at who he has been messaging so I can have clarity. But no apparently I’m abusive

You are. End it with him. He needs to be free of your poison.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 29/01/2023 09:14

Just split up.

Either he’s cheating and duplicitous OR you’re controlling and distrustful. Or possibly both.

Whatever to situation, it’s a very unhealthy dynamic. End it.