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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner won’t allow me to see his phone

212 replies

Marmitelover93 · 29/01/2023 00:04

i could see a notification flash up on my partners Apple Watch which looked like a females name … it took me about 10’mins to process it and when I asked him he said he didn’t know anyone with that name and it might be twitter notification (often random peoples tweets appear as notifications). I asked if he could show me his phone messaging history- not the messages just those he was messaging and he said no repeatedly. I said I couldn’t trust him as this was his one way to prove he hasn’t been unfaithful and if he can’t show me in the moment there and then then I’m not sure I can continue in this relationship. We have been together 1 year and are living together. AIBU?

OP posts:
Mouse82 · 29/01/2023 06:33

If someone doesn't trust me enough and wants to snoop through my phone and refuses to take no as an answer, that's a game changer to me, i'm out.

amylou8 · 29/01/2023 06:35

You can't read either way into him not showing you his phone. I'd be greatly put out if my partner as asked to look at mine, and id probably tell him to do one. The point is you don't trust him. If he didn't let you look at his phone because he's shaging 20 other women, or if he was just pissed off you'd asked is immaterial. You don't trust him so you need to leave.

Beezknees · 29/01/2023 06:48

I used to be in a controlling relationship. I'm single now but if I had a partner who asked to look at my phone, I'd refuse. Not because I'd have anything to hide, but because that was what my ex used to do as a way to control me.

If you can't trust him to the extent you need to see his phone for reassurance, your relationship is done.

Calphurnia88 · 29/01/2023 07:57

So he will never leave his phone unattended … going to shower or get a bath and if he sets it down it is never screen up.

I'm not surprised given this is how you behave when a notification appears on his screen.

Unless there's a back story, you are behaving in a jealous and controlling manner. The solution is for you to work on that, not for your partner to give you access to their phone.

Cosycover · 29/01/2023 08:06

In normal everyday situations I wouldn't just hand my phone over to my husband.

However, if he seen a notification like this and was then worried and asked to see then I would show him.

I reckon he is hiding something.

Marmitelover93 · 29/01/2023 08:11

thank you. Not sure why everyone is calling me abusive. I am simply asking for him to show me to ease my mind. If it was the other way around I would very happily show my partner my messages and infact I would be happy for him to thoroughly scroll through them as I have nothing to hide.

OP posts:
fairysimples · 29/01/2023 08:14

If you don't trust him the relationship is over.

Bananalanacake · 29/01/2023 08:14

How long were you together when you moved in, better to be with someone for a few years to build up trust and keep your own space before living together.

SleeplessInEngland · 29/01/2023 08:16

End the relationship - you’re controlling and he deserves better.

sammylady37 · 29/01/2023 08:19

Cosycover · 29/01/2023 08:06

In normal everyday situations I wouldn't just hand my phone over to my husband.

However, if he seen a notification like this and was then worried and asked to see then I would show him.

I reckon he is hiding something.

Or maybe he’s just refusing to be controlled, manipulated and emotionally blackmailed?

WTF1974 · 29/01/2023 08:21

DuplicateUserName · 29/01/2023 00:08

I'd tell my husband to get to fuck if he ordered me to show him my phone and then emotionally blackmailed me like that.

This. This. A thousand times this.

saraclara · 29/01/2023 08:21

You don't seem to get it @Marmitelover93 . Your demand to see his phone is saying "I don't trust you"'

It wouldn't matter that I had nothing to hide if my DH demanded to see my phone because he thought he'd seen a man's name come up on it. I'd be furious that he didn't trust me, that he felt he owned me to the point that I couldn't have male friends or colleagues message me, and that he thinks he had a right to the information on my phone.

It's inexcusable behaviour. Maybe you're right not to trust him, maybe you're not. It seems like the relationship isn't good either way though, so consider whether you want to stay in it.

Dotcheck · 29/01/2023 08:22

You don’t trust him- he does drugs ( which you don’t agree with).

Stop wasting your time trying to mould him into the man you want. He’s not it

rainbowstardrops · 29/01/2023 08:24

For everyone who is saying the OP is controlling or whatever and 'Oh poor guy' etc, maybe go back and click on the links that 2023a posted.
He is far from trustworthy.

Mouse82 · 29/01/2023 08:25

Marmitelover93 · 29/01/2023 08:11

thank you. Not sure why everyone is calling me abusive. I am simply asking for him to show me to ease my mind. If it was the other way around I would very happily show my partner my messages and infact I would be happy for him to thoroughly scroll through them as I have nothing to hide.

I asked if he could show me his phone messaging history- not the messages just those he was messaging and he said no repeatedly. I said I couldn’t trust him as this was his one way to prove he hasn’t been unfaithful and if he can’t show me in the moment there and then then I’m not sure I can continue in this relationship.
-----

Doesn't read to me like you simply asked him, sounds like you were hounding him for him to repeatedly say no to you.

fairysimples · 29/01/2023 08:25

Search isn't working on the app for those confused.

DaveyJonesLocker · 29/01/2023 08:25

YABU it is controlling. Even the fact you notice what he does with his phone is controlling. I take my phone everywhere I go and never leave it face up. I live alone with my toddler, who am I cheating on? No one.

If someone I'd been with a year demanded to see my phone I would absolutely leave. People are entitled to privacy. He's not done anything to suggest he's cheating.

fairysimples · 29/01/2023 08:26

Mumsnet know re the search. There's a thread in site stuff.

Calphurnia88 · 29/01/2023 08:26

I have nothing to hide but if my partner saw a notification from a male friend on my phone and demanded to see my messages I would probably refuse too.

It suggests a lack of trust in our relationship, and in me. Showing him my messages does not fix that.

I don't think you realise that you're overstepping your partner's boundaries. Being in a relationship does not give you unbridled access to their private conversations.

NomadicSoul · 29/01/2023 08:28

So OP, you think he's doing cocaine, you know he's doing drugs which you don't like and he's eyeing up women and commenting on them to you despite you saying you don't like it and you're worried if he might be hiding stuff on his phone.

Given the above, he probably is hiding stuff on his phone (probably his drug dealer for one thing), but given the above, why do you care and why are you still with him? The drug use and the comments about women alone should be enough if you don't like either.

There's more people out there and most don't do drugs or content on women in front of their partners.

Fwiw, if my partner wanted to look at my phone, she can. I've nothing to hide. It's not a diary or a confessional, it's a phone. I use it to ring people, look stuff up and send emails and messages. If any of that needs to be hidden from my partner then I shouldn't be doing it (unless it's buying them a present obviously). I ask them who they're messaging or who messages them and vice versa when we're chatting in bed. It's not a big deal.

In a previous relationship a name flashed up on a partner's phone with the first part of a message while they were sleeping in my arms. I moved to silence it so it wouldn't wake then and saw the message fragment. The message fragment was talking about remembering their naked body. You can bet your ass I snooped after that and my partner woke to find me leaving them.

Calphurnia88 · 29/01/2023 08:32

OK so this is a really disfunctional relationship.

If you're having this many issues in your 1st year together I think you need to accept that it's not working and move on. For both of you.

Tessisme · 29/01/2023 08:38

Slightly off the point, but I don't understand why people are so precious about their phones. Maybe I'm old. OK, I'm old! But DP and I leave our phones lying around. I use his regularly to call mine when I've lost it for the gazillionth time. I check his notifications to see if it's a call or message he's waiting for. I even go in and read the message if it IS one he's waiting for and then tell him it's there. I have his 'permission' to do this. He uses my phone to scroll the internet because it has a bigger screen. He uses it to find his missing phone. Potentially he could go into my WhatsApp and read messages between my cousin and me where I occasionally complain about him! But I'm fairly sure he doesn't. Maybe he complains about me to his sister. I don't know. The point is, I don't keep a diary of my personal thoughts on there. It's just a phone. The day he tells me I can't look at it or starts taking it into the toilet with him, is the day I'll start being suspicious.

saraclara · 29/01/2023 08:40

I use it to ring people, look stuff up and send emails and messages. If any of that needs to be hidden from my partner then I shouldn't be doing it

So @NomadicSoul you think that my partner should have the right to see the conversation where I was talking my friend down from taking his own life?

That's rubbish. You do what you like, but respecting your friends' privacy by not letting others read a conversation, doesn't make that conversation wrong, or imply that you shouldn't have had it. .

CornishTiger · 29/01/2023 08:41

So many issues so early on.

This is not the man for you. It’s a habit not love. Convenient even. Was your need for a relationship or accommodation prevail cos it seems you are incompatible in many ways.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 29/01/2023 08:44

Clearly my search must be glitching for some bizarre reason 🙈 though now I've read more I am even more wound up 😂