Partner won’t allow me to see his phone

[Marmitelover93]

i could see a notification flash up on my partners Apple Watch which looked like a females name … it took me about 10’mins to process it and when I asked him he said he didn’t know anyone with that name and it might be twitter notification (often random peoples tweets appear as notifications). I asked if he could show me his phone messaging history- not the messages just those he was messaging and he said no repeatedly. I said I couldn’t trust him as this was his one way to prove he hasn’t been unfaithful and if he can’t show me in the moment there and then then I’m not sure I can continue in this relationship. We have been together 1 year and are living together. AIBU?

Also "younger" here, no I wouldn't show DH my phones because he saw something. I'd explain what it was, unpick why he felt uncomfortable and then decide if I should show him my phone.

My phone IS an extension of me. It has my bank accounts, my financial information, my notes, my shopping lists, my emails, my orders, my messages, my photos, my medical history ....

So no one has free access to it. Not my kids, not DH, no one but me. And I extend that to other people.

I'd need far more than "oh I saw briefly a notification that made me uncomfortable" why does someone elses piece of mind override mine? It doesn't. Not when I know I'm not doing anything I shouldn't.

I'm more likely to lock DHs phone/computer when it's left unlocked than pick it up and look through it.

You need to leave this relationship

I'm mid 30s. No idea what you would glean from that, but I think your behaviour is controlling and I wouldn't accept it from my partner.

If your other posts are anything to go by I’d get out fast. He isn’t trustworthy, doesn’t seem to care about the relationship with his continued drug use and lying and I think that’s adding to your possibly already existing insecurities. It sounds toxic. As someone else said you definitely shouldn’t share a bank account or baby! I’d also be careful asking on here because lots of people want to show how secure they are by saying “I keep my phone private and would never ask to see my partners phone” but in reality if they had a gut feeling something was going on they would want proof before they walked away.

My ex did this…he was cheating.
i had reason to be suspicious as caught him messaging other women before and this was the behaviour at the time. Some people are like that with their phone all the time - my ex wasn’t so in the tImes he was guarding it I had reason to be suspicious. He was very defensive when I asked him too. My partner now would happily show me and I would do the same we are very open, phones left lying around, know each other’s password but dont feel the need to look. Both been cheated on but trust each other completely haven’t let previous experiences drag on into our relationship.

This basically. Well said.

I do agree that people have a right to privacy with their phones because we do keep alot of things on them these days I.e emails, bank apps etc so it's not unusual to have them on us a lot of the time. But I also don't think that you sound abusive just for questioning your partner about a name you have never seen before. If it was me being asked by my partner who that person was I would be happy to tell them who the person was (friend, work colleague etc) maybe a brief description of the conversation unless it was confidential I think that's perfectly normal to ask as long as it's not done in a demanding way. I also don't think it's normal that people do take their phones literally everywhere with them like their lives depend on it (unless they are needed for specific reasons like emergencies etc). Sometimes I forget my phone and go out and yes it's annoying but I don't have a complete meltdown over it. Now I have a child though I must admit having my phone on me when I'm out feels more necessary. You and your partner should be able to be open and honest about other people in your lives without it being intrusive or needing to go into detail all the time.

Sounds like you should leave this poor guy and get into one of those relationships instead then.

Absolutely insane, controlling behaviour. If you don't trust him there's no real relationship anyway. I also notice you're only responding to the very few posts who agree with you and ignoring the mountain of others who think you're totally unreasonable.

You say that you can't believe people had "the audacity" to define this behaviour as abusive and controlling. I think that's quite telling in itself.

If you think the demographic is too old to agree with you and you need agreement, not peoples opinions, then go post where you would find that.

Absolutely would not give my partner my phone to check. You either trust me or you don’t and if you don’t, the relationship is done.

If someone has to show proof to be trusted, that’s not trust. I couldn’t be doing with having to prove it all the time.

I would never allow my partner to go through my phone.
It’s my own private business.

He either trusts me or he doesn’t.

And if he thinks I am up to no good then he needs to leave, not blackmail me into not being allowed my own privacy.

If he refuses to give you his phone what will you do?
You obviously don’t trust him.

Shouldn't your bar be higher than this?

I don't understand why people have cheating as their only dealbreaker.

You aren't a good match based on your multiple threads. Drugs, comments that make you feel shit and now a lack of trust re other women.

This relationship doesn't make you feel happy and secure. You don't properly trust him. That should be enough to end it.

Well yes because I’m quite flabbergasted that people are labelling me as abusive after one post that doesn’t include full context or wider details.

people on here are so quick to criticise so I don’t know why I posted on here actually.

does anyone know how to delete these posts because I clicked remove thread and it is still getting comments etc! Thanks

No you didn't describe yourself as "flabbergasted". You questioned people having "the audacity" to challenge your behaviour and define it as they have.

The point is that this relationship doesn't bring you any joy.
Especially as you've only been living together for a short while.

Mind you, I'm not sure it brings your DP much joy either

You can't remove posts. It's a major failing of Mumsnet.

Report your original post and select other and ask for the thread to be removed.

You're not abusive. Don't let a bunch of faceless keyboard warriors, most of whom don't appear to have read the thread about this "poor guy" tell you otherwise.

Actually, this thread has made me think 'would I really want my partner to know I've been wasting so much precious time making pointless? posts on Mumsnet and getting worked up defending myself against people twisting my words ". I think the answer is no and I don't think this place is doing my mental health a lot of good nor do I think it helped a great many of those who ask for help and advice. It seems the majority of threads have people who are negative or combative.

So, thanks thread OP I'm out of Mumsnet and going back to the real world.

It's a slippery slope. Asking to see a specific message for reassurance... expecting to have access to phone full stop... demanding to know who you see, when and where...

No.

Stupid thread with posters all mindlessly piling on rather than looking at the situation.

Yes if he's generally secretive of his phone and then an unfamiliar female name came up and he denied it and refused to let you look at the phone - rather than saying 'oh yeah that's X from Y' - that is suspicious behaviour.

Based on the other threads, there is context to why you don't trust him, and this really doesn't sound like a good relationship.

You could just hide the thread. However it appears that MNHQ remove threads now simply because the OP doesn't like the replies.

Love people who find out they're wrong and are then immediately like "right OK I'm off" 😂

Look in the mirror. The person staring back is not reasonable.

There's a flouncers' corner before you go, @NomadicSoul

Well, I don't think you're abusive but I'm assuming you're very young? Because you start repeated threads about this bloke and he clearly isn't the one for you

@Bananalanacake exactly trust is earned,
I’m not a fan of trust being granted then finding out the hard way that was a mistake. Both the OP and her partner should take accountability for their issues though!

@Tessisme This sounds a bit like my marriage, I constantly lose my phone, my husbands is always on the counter and if I can’t find mine I’ll use his, I often ask his opinion on things so will hand my phone over. If I’m missing out on some kind of amazing privacy of having a ‘phone diary’ then I think I’m ok with that because at the end of the day my husband knows me better than my bloody phone and it’s him I’ll go to when there’s something wrong not my phone 🙄 it’s damaging and weird to rely on a phone more than a partner

I was thinking this too.

I’ve also seen threads where the op has discovered her partner was cheating, then says he never lets me near his phone, always has it in his pocket or hand. Then lots of other posters come on with tales of their partners allowing them full access to their phones, with the thinly veiled implication that the OP was stupid for not realising this meant something was wrong.

This is a horrible situation for you, OP. I think your gut is telling you something is off with your boyfriend and you shouldn’t ignore that. A year feels like a long time, but in the grand scheme of things it’s nothing. Move on and find someone you can trust.

Oh you're so funny and so superior. I hope you are chuckling to your wonderful self as you're so so amazing.