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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this enough to accuse of taking cocaine?

54 replies

Marmitelover93 · 08/10/2022 10:15

My partner came home last night after being at his friends for a couple of hours. He told me they had Chinese food (and sent me a screen shot of the food) and some drinks.

Before we moved in together he admitted he does it every so often but we have just moved in and I have a feeling he does it more often than he says. Last week I found out he did it but kept it from Me and admitted it when I asked. however, I suspect he also did some cocaine last night . I have never taken cocaine so I can only go off what I have heard and googled are side effects.

He arrived home and was talking A LOT, he was sweating (but he was wearing a stupidly big fleece and had just walked from the train) and I noticed the dry mouth the most. I didn’t say anything at this stage but when I went to bed he said he would come in soon. I woke up a few hours later and he was sleeping on the couch. I came in to tell him to come to bed and he said he has been going to the toilet because of a bad stomach from the food. I was suspicious as I hadn’t heard him do this and am quite a light sleeper. I then asked him if he did coke and he said no he swears he didn’t. But I just don’t believe him.

i don’t want to nag him like a mother figure but I am worried mainly because he is lying if he did take it. What do you think? Did he do it? What should I do now?

OP posts:
TastesLikeFlavourlessFizz · 08/10/2022 10:26

I mean some of those things can be linked to coke but they also happen frequently without taking it. And it sounds like that’s the case here.

I don’t know why you’re accusing him of anything anyway - you say you know he does it sometimes. Surely he doesn’t have to answer to you every one of those times.

MeowMeowPowerRangers · 08/10/2022 10:28

If he took cocaine he wouldn't of been sleeping. That stuff keeps you awake all damn night.

If you know he takes it and have accepted that what's the issue?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/10/2022 10:28

Why did you at all move in with someone who has admitted to taking this every so often?. Why is your bar so very low here when it comes to relationships; is this all you think you deserve from a relationship?.

If there is no trust, there is no relationship.

Original poster
Marmitelover93 · 08/10/2022 10:29

@TastesLikeFlavourlessFizz thanks for your reply!

the issue is that I had stated that I didn’t want to move in with someone who regularly uses it and if he has in this instance, as he promised he wouldn’t last time, then he has a problem and on top of this I can’t trust him

OP posts:
Spursgirl1986 · 08/10/2022 10:30

My ex used to pretend to be asleep when he heard me coming to act as if he wasn’t on it .

Juicylychee · 08/10/2022 10:30

Oh god why are you with him. Either way you don’t trust him. It’s no way to live. As a PP said, please raise your standards.

Original poster
Marmitelover93 · 08/10/2022 10:31

@AttilaTheMeerkat because every so often to me is like once every couple of months but if it’s every weekend I don’t want to deal
with that.

@MeowMeowPowerRangers even if it was a little bit at like 9pm? He was awake til about 2am

OP posts:
Original poster
Marmitelover93 · 08/10/2022 10:32

@Spursgirl1986 i wouldn’t be surprised if he was doing this

OP posts:
lucyin · 08/10/2022 10:33

I wouldn’t suspect that from what you have described.

honest conversation needed around why you have the concerns, what worries you about him taking it, how he should communicate it to you if he decides he wants to take it. Also why he’s taking it, is it recreational or a potential problem. how it makes him feel then and after taking it, why he wants to etc.

a lot of people take drugs secretly (for fun or to numb) because they can’t have this openness with their spouse. Important to create environment for honesty.

Midnights · 08/10/2022 10:34

I feel like as PP said, I doubt he'd be asleep if he'd taken it.

Although I know it's not what you asked, but this relationship clearly lacks trust - the fact you're analysing his sweatiness vs outfit worn, dry mouth and talking lots etc it just sounds like even if he hadn't done you'd be looking for it, do you really want that stress for the rest of your life?

Sux2buthen · 08/10/2022 10:38

Coke and a Chinese takeaway. I think not

Spursgirl1986 · 08/10/2022 10:39

My ex even used to force himself to eat to hide from everyone . If he knows you don’t like it then I assume he will do everything he can to hide it .
our relationship finished in the end as I just didn’t want to be with someone who did did drugs and it was as simple as that . There was a lot of abuse and manipulation , alcohol and control with him also though . Once you suspect this it will not stop , the stress of thinking is he doing cocaine will just eat you up . Some people are ok with occasional drug use and others aren’t and that’s ok x

Borgonzola · 08/10/2022 10:40

I wasted two years of my life with a cokehead. He did it on the first night we met but I was young and stupid (22 to his 30) so I didnt really think anything of it, except it gave him coke dick.

In the end he was doing it more and more. Not just at parties or after a big night out, but on just a Tuesday evening. Every time it caused a fight and I'd be up all night having to listen to him yakking away about himself.

I was absolutely thick to put up with it and he was obviously pretty unhappy (though also a gaping arsehole of heroic proportions). He'd go on and on about all his friends doing it (perhaps at parties but again, not on a random Tuesday night) and that my generation (millennials not gen x) were all just boring, but this was all to hide the fact that he had a genuine problem.

So basically: if it's something he wants to do but isn't something you do yourself (I never did it) and it's going to piss you off or cause arguments, get our now. Coke makes men boring, impotent and flakey. Waste of money, boring while they disappear off to bathroom.

Spursgirl1986 · 08/10/2022 10:41

My nephews who do cocaine socially tell me they eat in front of there girlfriends / mum to hide it etc

Original poster
Marmitelover93 · 08/10/2022 10:43

@Sux2buthen yeh I did think this tbf lol but… could it be the case it was Chinese then coke?

OP posts:
Keto4teeth · 08/10/2022 10:44

Yes quite possibly.
There are genuinely recreational users but there are many that get addicted and the secrecy is part and parcel of that. You don't seem to be able to trust him so the damage is done. You can't be posting every time you suspect use for MN to referee if he has taken any. It's no way to live. He won't like being questioned and it's tiring for you to always live on alert.
Moving in is a stressful time that can trigger or increase addictions but so can social gatherings. He could quickly snort one the moment you turn your back.
People can have a habit and still 'relatively' functional. It's incredibly common.

mysteryobtuse · 08/10/2022 10:47

I did coke quite a bit when I was younger. No way I’d be sleeping and eating Chinese after doing it - even a tiny amount (well it’s never a tiny amount because you want more after the first line).

I have a horrible memory of being wide eyed and willing to go to sleep but just staring ahead with a racing heart and utter dread with Family Guy planning in the background. so to me, the most telling thing would be a comedown in the morning. Waaaay worse than a hangover and very noticeable

Coyoacan · 08/10/2022 10:49

In my experience coke makes people paranoid and violent. The two cokeheads I knew used to beat up their girlfriends for weird imagined betrayals

TastesLikeFlavourlessFizz · 08/10/2022 10:49

Ah I see where you’re coming from a bit more now.

Honestly, dry mouth aside, it sounds like he’d just schlepped home and was just a bit sweaty from his choice of clothing. I’d need more info on the dry mouth. Unless it was constant and extreme even with regular drinking of a liquid, it could just be a normal thing.

Things like chattiness don’t last long unless you keep topping it up with another line. Coke’s effects are so short-lived.

Anyway, only you know what works for you. But I’ve snorted a fair bit in my younger years - sometimes more than once a week - and I never had a ‘habit’.

Only you know what you’re ok with and whether you trust him to answer honestly.

mysteryobtuse · 08/10/2022 10:51

Also talking shit on coke only lasts like 10 minutes or so. Then you have another line to continue talking shit. So unless he did a line on the train or the way home…

Original poster
Marmitelover93 · 08/10/2022 10:54

Thanks so much to everyone who has contributed so far. It has really helped and I just want to better understand about the side effects to protect myself

OP posts:
LivingNextDoorToNorma · 08/10/2022 11:01

Marmitelover93 · 08/10/2022 10:54

Thanks so much to everyone who has contributed so far. It has really helped and I just want to better understand about the side effects to protect myself

I really feel for you @Marmitelover93 but honestly the best way to protect yourself here is to leave. There’s no good scenario for you here. You’re either going to catch him in a lie, and I’m assuming end the relationship because you (understandably) don’t want to be in a relationship with a drug user. OR, he’s telling the truth, but you’re going to dive yourself crazy looking for every little sign that he is lying. The worry will cause you no end of stress, and will probably end up damaging the relationship anyway. I’d cut your losses now.

JorisBonson · 08/10/2022 11:02

Sux2buthen · 08/10/2022 10:38

Coke and a Chinese takeaway. I think not

My thoughts exactly!

sarahc336 · 08/10/2022 11:04

Yes the over talking, sweating and dry mouth are massive give away signs, also check for big pupils, another tell tale sign, I used to work in drug and alcohol services so you can clearly tell the signs op x

Original poster
Marmitelover93 · 08/10/2022 11:05

@sarahc336 i didn’t see his pupils last night. Would I be able to tell anything this morning? Also dilated pupils- could that be linked to alcohol instead? Thank you!

OP posts: