Partner won’t allow me to see his phone

[Marmitelover93]

i could see a notification flash up on my partners Apple Watch which looked like a females name … it took me about 10’mins to process it and when I asked him he said he didn’t know anyone with that name and it might be twitter notification (often random peoples tweets appear as notifications). I asked if he could show me his phone messaging history- not the messages just those he was messaging and he said no repeatedly. I said I couldn’t trust him as this was his one way to prove he hasn’t been unfaithful and if he can’t show me in the moment there and then then I’m not sure I can continue in this relationship. We have been together 1 year and are living together. AIBU?

It was probably his dealer.

You've had some good advice on this thread OP.

I was in a very abusive and controlling relationship. It was even at the point of showing the receipts of what I had bought, what time I was there, what I spent etc....

I'm ashamed to this day I put up with that. I was a husk of my former self and was tortured into what he made me.

@DuplicateUserName has nailed it in every one of their posts. I may fall into the older demographic but for what it's worth like @ilovesooty we've been there and can talk from experience. Your accusal that anyone who disagrees with you is missing out in life or are sad. Trust me I wouldn't want your life at the moment. YOU are the only one who can change this situation. I am now at peace with what I will and won't put up with. Your relationship sounds like hell.....for both of you.

Your exception doesn't prove the rule, the universally accepted truth is that trust in a relationship is problematic for a lot of people.

The ops boyfriend is historically untrustworthy and has habits that are not beneficial for a relationship.

Never had any reason not to trust DP in over 30 years so should I be expecting it soon?

Are you another rule?
And I've no idea what problems may crop up in your relationship.

Judging from the responses you’ve received, there are rather a lot of us for whom this isn’t an issue. In fact, not one person has agreed with you, thus far.

The fact that you believe something does not make it a ‘universally accepted rule’ or something that ‘creeps into all relationships’.

This.

I'll summarise the replies:
"you don't understand, I have a right to know"
"he just needs to give me peace of mind by showing me his phone, why is everyone calling me abusive and controlling"
"you're all old and don't know what you're talking about"
"I don't even know why I posted, how do I delete this thread"

It isn't "piling on" to read the original post and reply "no, you're being unreasonable". That's literally the entire point of this forum. Don't ask the question if you don't want the answer.

I do think that making a comment about posters ‘having the audacity’ to call her abusive is rather telling though, it shows someone who is unwilling or unable to reflect on their own behaviour and who gets defensive and insulted at perceived slights.

Yup, couldn't have put it better. OP asked if she was wrong, was told she was and then blamed the people answering!

I'm sure her partner is far from blameless, but the advice is very clear: if you can't or don't trust him, you need to LEAVE.

There are a host of studies discussing the concept of trust across public and private institutions. Empirical experience from a handful of posters won't change my mind.
Sorry.

Alrighty. Please provide some of these studies that prove ‘lack of trust creeps into all relationships’.

And nobody is trying to change your mind. We’re saying you’re wrong.

and I would like to reiterate I WAS NOT demanding to go through his phone - I simply asked if he could show me himself the WhatsApp screen with his recent chats so I could glance at who he has been messaging so I can have clarity.

If this is the case (that you just want to see the list of chats about who he has been messaging) , what I'm wondering is, what your next response would be, if he showed you the list of chats and one was 'Mum' one was you, OP, one was 'best mate's name', then there were 6 others from Bob, Geoff, Mary, Chris, Lisa and Alex. Are you actually trying to tell us that you only want to glance at who he has been messaging so you can have clarity I think not.
As soon as you saw a name you don't know, you'd be demanding he explained who that was.
If he explained who it was, you'd want to know what was said in the message.
If he showed you the message, you'd want to know what they were referring to in the message.

If he explained that, you'd want to know all sort of other things about when you last saw them and why and what you talked about and why they were even talking to him and so on and so on.
You don't just want to know who has messaged him at all.

That is why people are calling you controlling.

It counters the silly claim that was being made.

Making another unevidenced assertion hardly counts as evidencing the idiotic généralisation.