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Relationships

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Original poster

Is it a red flag?

14 replies

Marmitelover93 · 02/10/2022 20:22

Sometimes my boyfriend will appreciate other women in front of me. For example, if we walk past an attractive women he might comment on it.

i said to him that I was uncomfortable with that and that it’s disrespectful to me. Obv I know we can all appreciate others but just think it’s not nice to say it aloud.

do you think it’s a red flag? Or in a way maybe because he does this and isn’t secretive about it then it’s not a red flag

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/10/2022 20:23

It’s disrespectful. You’ve told him how you feel and he’s still doing it. Rude.

Hotandbothereds · 02/10/2022 20:25

Rude because you’ve specifically asked him not to do this and he’s ignoring you.

How would he react if you started pointing out all the men you find attractive to him?

Shoxfordian · 02/10/2022 20:25

Yeah it’s disrespectful

Redqueenheart · 02/10/2022 20:53

Rude and disrespectful and also a sign that he thinks that women are just there for him to ogle.

Dump him.

OldFan · 02/10/2022 21:19

Not appropriate. Disrespectful and vulgar.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 02/10/2022 21:59

Has he continued to do it after you've asked him not to? If so, definitely dump.

Even if not, it's not good, is it? You'd have to be pretty thick to think that anyone would appreciate hearing that kind of comment. Assuming he's not incredibly stupid, then that means he's doing it on purpose to wind you up.

So worst case scenario, he's a complete arsehole; best case scenario, he's thick as mince...

MMmomDD · 02/10/2022 22:40

In a way it depends on how he does it and how often.
If once in a blue moon there is someone extremely attractive in front of us - i too can say to my partner - wow, how beautiful/handsome this person is. It’s just acknowledging that we are seeing in front of us.
But if it’s constant, and if he knows you don’t want to hear it - than it’s not great.

hugefanofcheese · 03/10/2022 07:17

Yeah its not the sign of someone who cares deeply about your feelings, is it? I've had this before and it's very deliberate and about putting you down. Obv none of us lose our eyesight after meeting a partner but commenting on other people's looks repeatedly adds no value or conversational interest, it's just about trying to make you feel insecure and work for the partner's attention. I wouldn't tolerate it again.

homarrrerr · 03/10/2022 07:18

Massive red flag.

What a prick.

anotherdisaster · 03/10/2022 12:39

Absolutely a red flag. What does he think it will achieve other than to make you feel insecure. Might be different if he said "she is beautiful but not as beautiful as you". I mean, does he pay you compliments?
Its a massive no from me.

Watchkeys · 03/10/2022 13:36

Consider red flags to be your feelings, rather than their behaviours. If you tell someone that their behaviour makes you feel bad, and they keep doing it, it's a red flag. They're essentially telling you that their behaviour is more important to them than you feeling ok.

So commenting to you about his attraction is more important to him than you feeling ok.

How does that make you feel? Shit? That's the 'red flag' feeling. We all get it for different reasons. Labelling something a red flag isn't important. Recognising that someone is comfortable making you feel bad is.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/10/2022 13:39

It's a huge red flag. He's training you. He'll gaslight you to the point where you eventually keep your mouth shut so you won't upset him. This is how an abusive relationship starts and I suggest you run for the hills. This isn't normal and it won't be getting better.

JustKittenAround · 04/10/2022 04:47

I promise it is a deep rep flag. A man who wants you won’t ever put you on edge like that. It’s disrespectful and he’s letting you know you aren’t going anywhere.

Please make some steps for revaluation of your relationship by yourself.

my heart hurts for you because a man who wants to keep you won’t ever leave you guessing.

If you can love yourself cut him off cold and find better…. He isn’t shit. You know it. The women he brings up wouldn’t even give him the time of day. You shouldn’t either.

MsDogLady · 04/10/2022 05:40

Marmite, you’ve written 2 threads about your BF disrespecting your boundaries.

(1) He is ogling and commenting on women.
(2) He is using drugs when he goes out, which he knows upsets you. He lies about it, but you always find out. You argue and he makes empty promises.

This selfish guy is not a safe partner who cares about your feelings and
well-being. He feels entitled to diminish you, and he’s not going to stop using drugs.

You’ve recently moved in together and must stay there for several more months, but in the meantime I would be working on an exit plan. You deserve a relationship based on mutual respect that enriches your life.

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