Partner won’t allow me to see his phone

[Marmitelover93]

i could see a notification flash up on my partners Apple Watch which looked like a females name … it took me about 10’mins to process it and when I asked him he said he didn’t know anyone with that name and it might be twitter notification (often random peoples tweets appear as notifications). I asked if he could show me his phone messaging history- not the messages just those he was messaging and he said no repeatedly. I said I couldn’t trust him as this was his one way to prove he hasn’t been unfaithful and if he can’t show me in the moment there and then then I’m not sure I can continue in this relationship. We have been together 1 year and are living together. AIBU?

You should end the relationship. You don’t trust him and he doesn’t deserve to be with a suspicious, jealous partner.

phones are private and you have no right to demand to look at it

Jesus Christ from this and your previous posts you clearly don't trust him.
Just end it. It will be better for you both.

Can’t believe the replies.. saying you are abusive, for asking to look at his phone. 😳.

anyway, I would not be happy. I’d be telling him either let me look, or we don’t have a relationship. If he’s not hiding anything he would have shown you. I’m all for privacy, like I won’t read my dps messages, but I do think you should have access to each others phones. You share a bed with someone, have sex with them, but are expected to keep a thing like a phone private? Don’t get that. I know in myself the only way I wouldn’t let my partner see my phone is if there was something I didn’t want him to see.

op, he’s hiding something, and you may be a bit insecure, unless there’s a reason why your suspicious.. but you are not abusive based on that!

I wouldn't allow my partner to look through my phone if he demanded it, it's a slippery slope to zero privacy.

But you clearly don't trust him. That's maybe justified but it's also maybe not. Seeing his phone won't give you the piece of mind you want. You will then start to think he's deleted messages, hidden them etc.

If there is no trust, then it's time to get out.

It’s not like she randomly went over to him and was like right let me see your phone!! She saw something and questioned it.. he was cagey.

What do you count as younger demographic?

In my 20s here and I think YABU and agree with 80% of posters on the thread! Seeing the linked previous posts it's obvious this is barely scraping the top of the issues.

The OP exhibited controlling behaviour to a roommate.

That’s what’s comfortable FOR YOU. It doesn’t mean others are wrong for not feeling ok with it- not everyone is the same. If you think not wanting someone to monitor your phone = cheating then you are being incredibly misguided and naive. Many in this very thread have said they wouldn’t like it and are not cheating. Equally if you think his phone being devoid of cheating indicators = not cheating you are also being very naive. If I really wanted to cheat (which I don’t and never have) I am intelligent enough to do it without phone evidence of it so my phone could look completely innocent but I could still be having an affair. This is about your own issues with trust.

Ok for all those saying they wouldn’t give their partners their phone.

If they had seen a flash of something and came to you and said, look I thought I saw something pop up and it’s made me feel uncomfortable would you reassure them and show them the message or not? I would, without question and then we’d both laugh about him being silly.

It still doesn't make sense though. You say you'd be doing something wrong in having a conversation that your partner couldn't see. So if you have a friend message you in great distress, you only give yourself two choices a) not to continue the conversation because it needs to be kept from your partner or b) have the conversation but allow a situation where your DH can see it.

That seem strange to me. When c) have the conversation and respect the friend's privacy, is surely the right thing to do.

Exactly what I was thinking. If she’d led with “he’s secretive with his phone takes it everywhere etc and my gut instinct is off. Is this a red flag” the responses would be very different I imagine.

You clearly don’t trust him, as if you did you wouldn’t think twice about a female name on his messages. If anyone demanded I show my phone I’d be refusing. Like others have said you need to end the relationship as it’s clear that you don’t trust him and if he’s very secretive with his phone then maybe you don’t trust him for good reason. It’s only 1yr in, this doesn’t bode well. Best thing is to sit down with him, tell him that seeing the message flash up has made you insecure as he’s very secretive with his phone. See what he says. Maybe time to end this relationship though and move on to someone you can trust

Thank you SO much! Quite honestly couldn’t believe people had the audacity to say that was abusive or controlling- surely I have a right to a peace of mind. And agreed about the sharing a bed thing - in a relationship you really should be able to share almost everything I believe and trusting each other enough to leave phones around
each other etc is what I want in a relationship. I often hear of other peoples relationships where they will just allow each other access to their phones because there is nothing to hide.

No I wouldn't. It would be massively triggering for me for my partner to ask to see my phone. And it would be him saying he didn't trust me. Relationship would be over.

Work on your own peace of mind. Placating you by showing you his phone is enabling you.

It won’t help.

Poor bastard. So what if glancing through the notifications isn't enough for you OP - what next? 'I've asked to put a tracker on his car to put my mind at rest, if he was innocent surely he'd let me?' You need to work on yourself and stop being so controlling.

Where does your “peace of mind” end then? Should you have access to his Facebook, instagram, personal chats with friends and family, bank accounts, diary, work documents too? After all, if it’s for your peace of mind then it’s limitless isn’t it? If you are sure he’s cheating then you should check all of these things too surely?

Probably.

People are being obtuse. You have good reason to be feeling worried insecure with this guy taking drugs and looking at other women.

But people love a good pile on.

However you need to end it. This is no good and nothing will come of a relationship with such a infantile man.

I wouldn't either.
Mum use to snoop in my room and read my journal.

"No" is a complete sentence.
She says she only asked a few times, sounds like it was more than once if he kept saying no.

Oh you're one of those posters! Serial threads about the same arsehole man, each one concealing the ongoing back-story so that posters can only comment as if it's a relatively minor isolated incident, allowing you to remain in denial about the screamingly obvious fact that you should have dumped this twat before even bothering to post your first thread about him.

Yes, demanding to see your partner's phone is unreasonable in any decent relationship. In yours it's completely pointless. You already know what he's like - stop turning a blind eye!

THIS IS NOT NORMAL.
What would the next step be if you weren't satisfied with that because you didn't see this name - go into the archived chats, ask him to open every other possible messaging app to "put your mind at ease"?
And it IS controlling.

How is me talking to a friend in great distress something I should hide from my partner? Actually, if that did happen, I'd almost certainly tell them so I could get their advice as to how to respond.

But okay, If someone did message me, "please don't share this with anyone, but..." then of course I would respect that. I was a trained counsellor in a previous life, so I understand that aspect. It's never happened to me though. There's still nothing to stop me saying to my partner , "ah, sorry, something has come up that I need to deal with, that I've been asked to keep private, excuse me for a minute'.

However, in my original post I was referring to doing things on my phone that I was hiding from my partner, and I was thinking of things like having an affair or looking at porn or gambling or whatever it was that I wouldn't want them to see as if been hiding it from them.

I was not saying " no one can talk to their friends about sensitive and delicate subjects in their phones as that's wrong". I am talking about me and my relationship with my phone and my partner. I did so as I thought it might help the OP who a lot of people seemed to be having a go at. From what I can tell (and yes it's "just" her side, he sounds like someone she should get the hell away from as quickly as possible.

I'm old. I wouldn't put up with anyone asking to see my phone.

Since you don't trust him anyway the relationship sounds dead.

I'm with @Fairislefandango .

Honestly, you don't trust him and you never will.
Just end it .