Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner won’t allow me to see his phone

212 replies

Marmitelover93 · 29/01/2023 00:04

i could see a notification flash up on my partners Apple Watch which looked like a females name … it took me about 10’mins to process it and when I asked him he said he didn’t know anyone with that name and it might be twitter notification (often random peoples tweets appear as notifications). I asked if he could show me his phone messaging history- not the messages just those he was messaging and he said no repeatedly. I said I couldn’t trust him as this was his one way to prove he hasn’t been unfaithful and if he can’t show me in the moment there and then then I’m not sure I can continue in this relationship. We have been together 1 year and are living together. AIBU?

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 29/01/2023 11:48

humdimbdippy · 29/01/2023 11:23

I dunno op. I get where you're coming from - he's clearly not wanting you to see his screen and to me this is a red flag. I 100% trust my partner BUT if this started happening it would make me paranoid. The reality is many relationships break down because of unfaithfulness and more often than not the other party has zero idea that anything has been going on until they are caught so to me I don't think your unreasonable! I would question my partner never leaving his phone alone in my company and always having it screen down. I personally think he's hiding something

I agree with this.

My ex was like this with his phone from the beginning. He'd only ever read it when I couldn't see and do little smirks to himself.

If I ever dared to ask about his suspicious behaviour, it was me being jealous and controlling.

I remember going for a run with my friend and her husband gave her his phone because hers had died & he wanted to make sure she got home safe. It seemed so weird to me and was the start of me realising how weird he was.

I know people say just leave if you don't trust him, but people like that make you doubt yourself and think you're crazy/abusive/jealous so you feel you need proof to leave. Even with proof they can convince you black is white.

Being suspicious of a suspicious person is not abusive.

Eventually I did snoop on my ex's phone and thank fuck I did as I found the proof I needed and got the hell away.

He even messaged me at 1am the weekend he got back from his honeymoon with his other woman asking to 'pop round for catch up'. If I needed a reminder that he was scum, I certainly got it!

HeckyPeck · 29/01/2023 11:50

2023a · 29/01/2023 11:47

Honestly, no. I can’t imagine a flash of anything on my phone causing my husband to ask to go through it. Particularly not a ‘name he didn’t know’ (I find this particularly odd, I have friends and acquaintances of all genders who my husband has never heard of - why does this mean he needs to look at my phone)?

We don’t ‘reassure’ each other re our fidelity, and I wouldn’t find anything about the request to do so silly or amusing.

He’d never ask, as I’d never ask him. I genuinely cannot imagine it happening. If he did, I’d say ‘no’, but I wouldn’t be in a relationship where that was a conceivable occurrence.

Show quote history

But that's because you're both with someone who doesn't act suspiciously.

It's very different when you're with someone who acts in an untrustworthy manner and is good at convincing you that you're the jealous one.

DuplicateUserName · 29/01/2023 11:53

HeckyPeck · 29/01/2023 11:50

But that's because you're both with someone who doesn't act suspiciously.

It's very different when you're with someone who acts in an untrustworthy manner and is good at convincing you that you're the jealous one.

Show quote history

But the relationship is over anyway once you've got to the point of not trusting your partner.

Whether they hand over their phone or not is neither here nor there at this point.

DeadTing · 29/01/2023 11:55

If my partner asked to see my messages because he didn't trust me, it's already over.

2023a · 29/01/2023 11:56

HeckyPeck · 29/01/2023 11:50

But that's because you're both with someone who doesn't act suspiciously.

It's very different when you're with someone who acts in an untrustworthy manner and is good at convincing you that you're the jealous one.

Show quote history

It's very different when you're with someone who acts in an untrustworthy manner and is good at convincing you that you're the jealous one.

I wouldn’t be in such a relationship. And OP doesn’t need to be, either.

WednesdaysNameIsFullOfWoe · 29/01/2023 11:58

Marmitelover93 · 29/01/2023 08:11

thank you. Not sure why everyone is calling me abusive. I am simply asking for him to show me to ease my mind. If it was the other way around I would very happily show my partner my messages and infact I would be happy for him to thoroughly scroll through them as I have nothing to hide.

No, you asked and then tried to blackmail him into showing you when he said no.

PrincessConstance · 29/01/2023 11:59

Lack of trust creeps into all relationships and there are other issues that can damage trust and commitment.
Mumsnet advice is always barring a few, to leave.

NalaNana · 29/01/2023 12:02

Fwiw I'd just show the recent chats screen if it was me. I don't see it as an invasion of privacy, I have nothing private from my fiancée on there. I've never felt I needed to see his phone but if I did I'd expect him so show me!

MichelleScarn · 29/01/2023 12:05

NearlyMidnight · 29/01/2023 11:18

So he shows you his phone and there's nothing bad there - but then he's late home from work on Wednesday - and you ask why ..... and then he goes for a drink with his mates from uni.... and you want to go too because how do you know..??? And if he had nothing to hide he'd let you come too... And then his cousin is in town, she's there for work and suggests he meets her for an afterwork dinner - and you don't believe him unless you meet her yourself.

The messages are irrelevant - YOU don't trust him. No-one can live like that. Leave. (And yes you are controlling OP. If a man did this to me I'd be off like a shot)

Exactly, and if its a weekend away with the boys then you can tag on to the double room and just join them for meals and go and have the 'MN spa' while they do the their plans... surely thats fine?!

Slowingdownagain · 29/01/2023 12:07

😂 at the fact op is calling anyone who disagrees with her old or miserable!

if my partner told me to let him look through his phone or he couldn’t trust me (despite me having given him no reason not to), I would tell him where to go. Not because I have anything to hide but because his “right” for peace of mind re a completely unfounded accusation does not trump my right to keep my conversations private and I would not accept someone demanding that.

I must be very old and very miserable!

2023a · 29/01/2023 12:18

PrincessConstance · 29/01/2023 11:59

Lack of trust creeps into all relationships and there are other issues that can damage trust and commitment.
Mumsnet advice is always barring a few, to leave.

Lack of trust creeps into all relationships

Nope.

Merryoldgoat · 29/01/2023 12:20

Lack of trust creeps into all relationships

Bollocks.

Literally never for one second not trusted my DH - we’ve been together 18 years this year.

Loics · 29/01/2023 12:38

WandaWonder · 29/01/2023 11:12

Maybe we are all jealous we are not looking at our partners phones?

We could be missing some riveting stuff

I use the term riveting very loosley

Every time I've looked over when DP has been on his phone, he's either been looking at tools, various types of vehicles for sale, or instructional videos on how to rewire something/replace an engine/build a wall or something equally as exciting. 😂

2023a · 29/01/2023 12:43

Loics · 29/01/2023 12:38

Every time I've looked over when DP has been on his phone, he's either been looking at tools, various types of vehicles for sale, or instructional videos on how to rewire something/replace an engine/build a wall or something equally as exciting. 😂

Show quote history

Mine is currently obsessed with tornados and the finer points of fermentation. It’s riveting stuff. 😂

HeckyPeck · 29/01/2023 12:48

DuplicateUserName · 29/01/2023 11:53

But the relationship is over anyway once you've got to the point of not trusting your partner.

Whether they hand over their phone or not is neither here nor there at this point.

Show quote history

But when you're in a relationship with someone untrustworthy and who lies, it's not that easy to leave.

They gaslight you and convince you that you're in the wrong and jealous and aren't they do wonderful for putting up with a controlling person like you etc etc etc.

WednesdaysNameIsFullOfWoe · 29/01/2023 12:49

PrincessConstance · 29/01/2023 11:59

Lack of trust creeps into all relationships and there are other issues that can damage trust and commitment.
Mumsnet advice is always barring a few, to leave.

It’s not happened here yet. I think you are generalising incorrectly from your own experience.

HeckyPeck · 29/01/2023 12:49

Slowingdownagain · 29/01/2023 12:07

😂 at the fact op is calling anyone who disagrees with her old or miserable!

if my partner told me to let him look through his phone or he couldn’t trust me (despite me having given him no reason not to), I would tell him where to go. Not because I have anything to hide but because his “right” for peace of mind re a completely unfounded accusation does not trump my right to keep my conversations private and I would not accept someone demanding that.

I must be very old and very miserable!

That's fair that you wouldn't give yours over because you haven't given him any reason to be suspicious.

OPs partner has and continues to do so & then tries to convince her she's the problem for noticing.

Cocobutt · 29/01/2023 12:50

thank you. Not sure why everyone is calling me abusive. I am simply asking for him to show me to ease my mind. If it was the other way around I would very happily show my partner my messages and infact I would be happy for him to thoroughly scroll through them as I have nothing to hide.

What about your MN account?

If messages (which can be deleted anyway) are fair game what about posts on MN?
Is it ok for a partner to read these too?

Slowingdownagain · 29/01/2023 12:54

HeckyPeck · 29/01/2023 12:49

That's fair that you wouldn't give yours over because you haven't given him any reason to be suspicious.

OPs partner has and continues to do so & then tries to convince her she's the problem for noticing.

Show quote history

What’s he done other than get notifications and taking his phone with him (to avoid op looking at it against his will obviously)

monsteramunch · 29/01/2023 13:05

Would you let him read all your Mumsnet posts OP? Or are they private?

2023a · 29/01/2023 13:15

Cocobutt · 29/01/2023 12:50

thank you. Not sure why everyone is calling me abusive. I am simply asking for him to show me to ease my mind. If it was the other way around I would very happily show my partner my messages and infact I would be happy for him to thoroughly scroll through them as I have nothing to hide.

What about your MN account?

If messages (which can be deleted anyway) are fair game what about posts on MN?
Is it ok for a partner to read these too?

This is an utterly brilliant question. I’d be interested to see her response.

DuplicateUserName · 29/01/2023 13:21

HeckyPeck · 29/01/2023 12:48

But when you're in a relationship with someone untrustworthy and who lies, it's not that easy to leave.

They gaslight you and convince you that you're in the wrong and jealous and aren't they do wonderful for putting up with a controlling person like you etc etc etc.

Show quote history

Oh come on, if you read the thread you'll see the OP has started multiple threads about this dick head, she knows she needs to leave and she knows why.

WelliesandWine88 · 29/01/2023 13:30

DuplicateUserName · 29/01/2023 00:08

I'd tell my husband to get to fuck if he ordered me to show him my phone and then emotionally blackmailed me like that.

Same 😶

ThePear · 29/01/2023 13:34

Why have you not dumped your druggie boyfriend yet? Are you thinking he’ll change who he fundamentally is as a person? You’re throwing your life away. You could choose to enjoy life and live unburdened by untrustworthy druggies.

bluegreygreen · 29/01/2023 13:44

This thread is interesting.

So many threads when an OP is expressing concerns advise snooping on phones, and I'm always uncomfortable with that.

I leave my phone lying around. It has a 6 digit passcode and notifications do not have preview messages, as I use it for work. My husband probably knows the passcode (I think I told him at some point). I know his passcode.

If he saw a notification flash up on my phone and asked me about it, I'd tell him.

If he then asked to look through my phone because he didn't believe me, we'd have a different conversation.

If he then told me I had to show him as it was my 'one way to prove [I hadn't] been unfaithful' he would be invited to leave.