Partner won’t allow me to see his phone

[Marmitelover93]

i could see a notification flash up on my partners Apple Watch which looked like a females name … it took me about 10’mins to process it and when I asked him he said he didn’t know anyone with that name and it might be twitter notification (often random peoples tweets appear as notifications). I asked if he could show me his phone messaging history- not the messages just those he was messaging and he said no repeatedly. I said I couldn’t trust him as this was his one way to prove he hasn’t been unfaithful and if he can’t show me in the moment there and then then I’m not sure I can continue in this relationship. We have been together 1 year and are living together. AIBU?

OP what are you going to do?

You cannot be with someone you don’t trust.

If he lets you look at his phone are you going to completely trust him?
Probably not.

Completely agree. Couldn’t have said it better myself. I think people on here who are so quick to criticise must be deeply unhappy with some aspect of their own life or tbh just need to get out more.

I have only ever really posted for advice and haven’t commented on posts unless it’s been something I am knowledgeable about (e.g nutrition) or have lived experience of. This issue with Mumsnet is the vast majority of people on here have lack of both of those and no one’s stopping them.

I have plenty of experience of controlling behaviour - both lived experience and professional.

I still disagree with you.

As do I, all too much, sadly. And I feel the op is controlling. The relationship is a total shitshow, and god knows why she wants to stay in it, but that doesn’t negate the fact that she is controlling.

in a relationship you really should be able to share almost everything I believe and trusting each other enough to leave phones around
each other

So what you're saying is that you want him to trust you enough to leave his phone lying around, so that you can abuse that trust by checking his messages?

You're coming across as abusive, but you clearly can't see the problem.

Please end things.

Ah the old ‘if I don’t like your response you must be old/bitter/unhappy and just don’t understand and shouldn’t bothering answering’ line.

Usually, just before a ‘we deleted for privacy reasons’ 🙄

Actually OP bravely read the posts of people like you piling on without even bothering to read her other ones- which show her dysfunctional 'd'p.

Look OP, demanding someone hands over their phone there and then because you've seen a name flash up that you don't recognise, is abusive.

Blackmailing them by saying you don't know if you can continue the relationship because they refused to hand over their phone there and then, is abusive.

You've had previous posts brought into this thread that show how/why you've become abusive and I get it, it is by all accounts a very toxic relationship.

You need to look at the woman this relationship has made you become and ask yourself if you really like her.

I bet you really don't.

@Marmitelover93

You aren't a good match based on your multiple threads. Drugs, comments that make you feel shit and now a lack of trust re other women.

This relationship doesn't make you feel happy and secure. You don't properly trust him. That should be enough to end it.

Her partner can be dysfunctional and she can be abusive, they’re not mutually exclusive, and the former does not justify the latter. She’s responsible for her behaviour. The relationship is clearly a toxic mess, so I don’t know why she’s invested in keeping it, but the way to deal with the mess is to end it, not to try control the other person.

@sammylady37 sure whatever, but she hasn't 'flounced'.

I think that seeing a name and feeling the need to check is obviously a bit much but it's also completely understandable in a relationship like this so maybe posters can still have a shred of empathy.

Not that it should matter, but I'm in the "younger demographic". 🤷‍♀️ Although that sounds like you spitting the dummy because people have disagreed with you, so there must be something "wrong" with them.
You weren't "simply asking" to see his phone, you followed it up with a threat to leave if he didn't show you - THAT is controlling. Your responses don't make you sound like a particularly nice, or mature, person either.

The relationship is clearly a toxic mess, so I don’t know why she’s invested in keeping it, but the way to deal with the mess is to end it, not to try control the other person.

Yes, this ^^ definitely.

The OP trying to get control over this man is never going to end well.

And once that behaviour becomes learned, what about her next relationship after they split up?

Will the OP be back saying "My new boyfriend won't show me his phone, and he knows I need to see it because I was in a toxic relationship in the past"?

Very probably.

Completely agree. Couldn’t have said it better myself. I think people on here who are so quick to criticise must be deeply unhappy with some aspect of their own life or tbh just need to get out more

Nah- I'm in a very happy trusting relationship. We dont need to check each others phones for signs of cheating because we trust and love each other and we dont feel the need to control each other either. My partner isnt on drugs or cheating on me either like yours is-according to you. If you think people merely disagreeing with you is bitter criticism then its no wonder you are unhappy.

I never said she had ‘flounced’ so I’m not sure why you’re addressing that to me.

I do think that making a comment about posters ‘having the audacity’ to call her abusive is rather telling though, it shows someone who is unwilling or unable to reflect on their own behaviour and who gets defensive and insulted at perceived slights.

I know I wasn't addressing you, you responded to me and I answered!

Not surprised she's defensive with people piling on without having a morsel of understanding. Difficult to admit you're wrong when people are just being mean. I'd. be pushing back too

I literally quoted the person I was responding to. The people who said she was flouncing an immediately left'.

Either you’re batshit crazy with trust issues.
Or he’s an untrustworthy man who, through previous form, has led you to a place where you immediately assume infidelity.

Which is it?

Either way, where there is no trust there is no relationship.

@babeB
Actually OP bravely read the posts of people like you piling on without even bothering to read her other ones- which show her dysfunctional 'd'p.

I have read the other ones. Which is why I am very much of the opinion that this "relationship" needs to end,
She can be controlling, and he can be dysfunctional. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

I know some responses have sounded harsh, but honestly how do you expect people to respond helpfully if you deliberately conceal the fact that you already know this man is a druggie who has plenty of form for eyeing up other women, and the fact that you've already had advice about this on here?

It's ridiculous to repeatedly decide whether to end the relationship on the basis of whether one particular incident is 'bad enough' while ignoring the wider picture. His secretiveness over his phone isn't an individual incident, it's just one symptom of the fact that he's a sleazebag. You must know this!

Maybe we are all jealous we are not looking at our partners phones?

We could be missing some riveting stuff

I use the term riveting very loosley

So he shows you his phone and there's nothing bad there - but then he's late home from work on Wednesday - and you ask why ..... and then he goes for a drink with his mates from uni.... and you want to go too because how do you know..??? And if he had nothing to hide he'd let you come too... And then his cousin is in town, she's there for work and suggests he meets her for an afterwork dinner - and you don't believe him unless you meet her yourself.

The messages are irrelevant - YOU don't trust him. No-one can live like that. Leave. (And yes you are controlling OP. If a man did this to me I'd be off like a shot)

I dunno op. I get where you're coming from - he's clearly not wanting you to see his screen and to me this is a red flag. I 100% trust my partner BUT if this started happening it would make me paranoid. The reality is many relationships break down because of unfaithfulness and more often than not the other party has zero idea that anything has been going on until they are caught so to me I don't think your unreasonable! I would question my partner never leaving his phone alone in my company and always having it screen down. I personally think he's hiding something

It wouldn't occur to you he's hiding it so he doesn't have to hand over his phone, so you could view every Twitter notification etc, that has a female sounding name?

He may or may not be hiding something but the OP seems to be looking for a reason to end the relationship when it transpires there are plenty of reasons to end it anyway.

Honestly, no. I can’t imagine a flash of anything on my phone causing my husband to ask to go through it. Particularly not a ‘name he didn’t know’ (I find this particularly odd, I have friends and acquaintances of all genders who my husband has never heard of - why does this mean he needs to look at my phone)?

We don’t ‘reassure’ each other re our fidelity, and I wouldn’t find anything about the request to do so silly or amusing.

He’d never ask, as I’d never ask him. I genuinely cannot imagine it happening. If he did, I’d say ‘no’, but I wouldn’t be in a relationship where that was a conceivable occurrence.