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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn't want a vasectomy

223 replies

rollitagain · 11/01/2023 16:19

DH and I have been together for 25 years, 4 children, he is 49.

Recently the topic of him having a vasectomy has come up. I am still having regular periods and only had my last baby 6 months ago (she wasn't exactly planned). I have had the implant but it made me really unwell (fell pregnant after it was taken out), had the coil and that didn't work out for me either, I tried countless contraceptive pills and they all did something negative to my body, from migraines, nausea to mood swings so bad I couldn't deal with me, so it's fair to say, I've done my bit in trying to not have anymore children, so now, it just leaves him to either wear a condom, which he is not prepared to do, or have a vasectomy.

AIBU to want him to have this procedure?

OP posts:
PuttingDownRoots · 12/01/2023 12:06

Lockheart · 12/01/2023 12:01

Setting aside the main debate for a moment, I'm always surprised at how strong the assumption is on these sorts of threads that the OP doesn't want sex and will happily go without, and that "he" shouldn't "get" sex if he doesn't wear a condom or have a vasectomy.

Whatever happened to both partners wanting to have sex with each other and enjoying it? Is it such an alien concept to think women might desire sex too? I find the whole "sex isn't a big deal to women but it is to men, women only have sex to please men, sex can be used as a transactional weapon" attitude quite depressing.

Sex isn't actually that enjoyable when you spend the whole time worrying about pregnancy. The fear can really kill your libido.

ImBlueDab · 12/01/2023 12:08

Lockheart · 12/01/2023 12:01

Setting aside the main debate for a moment, I'm always surprised at how strong the assumption is on these sorts of threads that the OP doesn't want sex and will happily go without, and that "he" shouldn't "get" sex if he doesn't wear a condom or have a vasectomy.

Whatever happened to both partners wanting to have sex with each other and enjoying it? Is it such an alien concept to think women might desire sex too? I find the whole "sex isn't a big deal to women but it is to men, women only have sex to please men, sex can be used as a transactional weapon" attitude quite depressing.

I agreed with a poster who said that it's condoms or no sex, not because the op doesn't want sex, but because she doesn't want anymore dc and often it's the only way to force the issue with the dh and also the only way to ensure there aren't any accidents. Might not be what she wants to do in the long term, but it's short term pain for long term gain

Emilia35 · 12/01/2023 12:08

Your DH is being a selfish bastard. How is this fair?! He has 2 simple options: condoms or the snip.

Not fair to deprive you of sex - why are people even suggesting this?

The third option is you get it elsewhere if he's so lazy and selfish he would risk you having to go through another pregnancy or abortion!! So angry on your behalf OP

Fushiadreams · 12/01/2023 12:19

OoooohMatron · 11/01/2023 22:47

This is a pretty depressing thread. The number of women who would be prepared to be sterilised because their DH won't step up and do their bit in terms of contraception/minor discomfort. I'm actually quite shocked.

I was thinking this. Someone even said as she was pushing The issue she should do it. Clearly the poster missed they neither of them want more kids.

Lockheart · 12/01/2023 12:26

The third option is you get it elsewhere

Fuck me, we've entered a whole new level of batshittery. Whatever the question, cheating is never the answer.

Bestcatmum · 12/01/2023 12:32

To the poster (can't find you) re PVPs you can get this with any surgery. Im thinking of regional pain syndrome. The point is OP has taken the risk of having 4 babies and everything that involves. Why is it up to her to take all the surgical/chemical risks and he can't be bothered to even wear a condom. What a selfish entitled arse. He'd never be touching me again if he was my husband.

BIWI · 12/01/2023 12:40

TBH @Lockheart I think I might go off sex if I knew there was a high risk of conceiving again.

ConfusedNT · 12/01/2023 13:28

rollitagain · 12/01/2023 11:28

@randomuser2020

His solution is to have unprotected sex avoiding the ovulation period. Not so keen on that to be honest, not only because it's risky, but using a condom to him isn't even an option.

24 out of 100 women become pregnant in the first year of trying this. that's a significant risk to your health he's willing to take just to not have to wear a condom

crosspusscrossstitcher · 12/01/2023 13:40

rollitagain · 12/01/2023 11:28

@randomuser2020

His solution is to have unprotected sex avoiding the ovulation period. Not so keen on that to be honest, not only because it's risky, but using a condom to him isn't even an option.

That's not a form of contraception.

Time to tell him some home-truths.

He can either take precautions (preferably a vasectomy) or take a hike.

I wouldn't let him near me without - especially after 4 kids, including a baby.

VitaminX · 12/01/2023 13:47

ShakespearesBlister · 12/01/2023 11:56

It's a difficult one to make a split decision on but I'm trying to visualise a header saying DW doesn't want to get sterilised and it really doesn't sit very well. Why would this be so much more acceptable? I'm assuming it isn't just DH who still wants sex without having to take precautions.

Sometimes I can appreciate a 'what if the sexes were swapped' perspective. But you can't 'swap the sexes' on any issue to do with sex and reproduction. These are the main differences between men and women so the issue is never equivalent. There is no equality in sex and reproduction.

The closest it would get to being equivalent is if it was a childfree couple where the woman had never been pregnant or used female contraception and the man had always taken sole responsibility for buying and wearing condoms, which is nowhere near the situation here.

Women already take on 99.9% of the work involved in creating a baby and 100% of the health risks of reproduction. A man accepts no risk to his health or physical comfort when he chooses to impregnate a woman. You could say this wasn't 'fair' but that would be nonsensical because women and men have different bodies and a man is unable to take on any of that risk or pain even if he wants to. Nevertheless, a good man should see that he hasn't made any of the same sacrifices and taken any of the risks that his wife has to create their family. It's not 'unfair' but it's extremely unequal. The couple have also been relying entirely on female contraception so she's taken on all of the health issues, discomfort and responsibility that go with that. And he won't be the one who has to either have an abortion or go through another pregnancy and birth when his stupid rhythm method idea fails. A good man would be appreciative of his wife for what she has done and unwilling to see her suffer more when he finally has the option to take a little of the burden on his shoulders.

Male sterilisation is a simpler, quicker procedure than female sterilisation and it carries fewer risks. Not zero risks, but fewer risks. Not equivalent. If someone in a heterosexual couple is going to be sterilised, it should pretty much always be the man because this time it's his body that is better suited.

Emilia35 · 12/01/2023 14:10

@ShakespearesBlister that doesn't compare at all. Her DH refuses to use condoms too FFS.

pointythings · 12/01/2023 14:14

Another selfish man who wants it all his own way. I wouldn't want sex with someone who thought so little of me.

Naunet · 12/01/2023 15:11

rollitagain · 12/01/2023 11:28

@randomuser2020

His solution is to have unprotected sex avoiding the ovulation period. Not so keen on that to be honest, not only because it's risky, but using a condom to him isn't even an option.

So he thinks it’s absolutely acceptable for you to face the increased risk of falling pregnant again and then dealing with an abortion or birth, just so that he doesn’t have to wear a condom? Sorry, he’s a prick.

EasterIsland · 12/01/2023 16:12

Women already take on 99.9% of the work involved in creating a baby and 100% of the health risks of reproduction. A man accepts no risk to his health or physical comfort when he chooses to impregnate a woman.

Top post @VitaminX

OP's DH is a selfish arse.

pigsDOfly · 12/01/2023 18:04

rollitagain · 12/01/2023 11:28

@randomuser2020

His solution is to have unprotected sex avoiding the ovulation period. Not so keen on that to be honest, not only because it's risky, but using a condom to him isn't even an option.

That isn't going to work, you will get pregnant again at some point without doubt.

But again he's taking no responsibility at all for making sure there are no more pregnancies while making a, frankly, stupid suggestion to avoid wearing a condom.

Clearly he doesn't give a toss about the fact that if you're have sex under these circumstances you're going to be constantly worrying about, and dreading the next potential pregnancy.

Doesn't sound like the recipe for a happy life for you.

Does he actually care about anyone but himself?

randomuser2020 · 14/01/2023 02:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

NovelFarmer · 14/01/2023 03:02

And what does he say when you tell him you can’t relax and stress out about falling pregnant each time you have sex?
Does he even care?
My DH could see how upset the issue made me and booked a vasectomy straight away.

Mumsanetta · 14/01/2023 10:01

@rollitagain what is your current solution and how do you feel about it?

Zizz · 19/01/2023 12:05

You don't say what the problem was with the coil, but in your position, I'd give it another try, while you discuss and decide together which of you goes for a sterilisation op. What is his suggested solution to the issue?

pigsDOfly · 19/01/2023 18:55

Zizz · 19/01/2023 12:05

You don't say what the problem was with the coil, but in your position, I'd give it another try, while you discuss and decide together which of you goes for a sterilisation op. What is his suggested solution to the issue?

Well, as he categorically stated that he is not going to have a vasectomy that discussion is pretty much dead in the water.

Given that OP's husband isn't prepared to put on a condom because he doesn't like them, why on earth should OP have another go at the coil when it's already caused her problems in the past?

RatherTMI · 19/01/2023 19:19

rollitagain · 12/01/2023 11:28

@randomuser2020

His solution is to have unprotected sex avoiding the ovulation period. Not so keen on that to be honest, not only because it's risky, but using a condom to him isn't even an option.

Surely you must be approaching perimenopause if you've been together for twenty five years? Absolutely not a time to be relying on the rhythm method.

I'm always a bit depressed by how MN threads always suggest total celibacy as the only alternative to condoms in these situations. Avoiding specific PIV sex isn't the same thing as not having a sex life, and might be a perfectly good temporary option for some couples. However depending on your age it might not be something you want to commit to for a decade or so.

MugginsOverEre · 21/01/2023 16:51

If he won't wear a condom, go for it and when he's starting having a good time say "righto, out you pop love, we don't want you getting too close now" and go make a cuppa. He doesn't need to finish. After all, how many of us girls have given up and just seen to ourselves later.

Ponderingwindow · 21/01/2023 17:22

once you are older and done putting your body through pregnancy and childbirth

Best option: sex with your spouse with no risk of pregnancy - (it’s fantastic btw)

slightly worse option: sex with some small risk of pregnancy

where women often find themselves if married to selfish men: not getting to have sex because they don’t want to risk pregnancy

worst option: sex that could easily result in pregnancy

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