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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn't want a vasectomy

223 replies

rollitagain · 11/01/2023 16:19

DH and I have been together for 25 years, 4 children, he is 49.

Recently the topic of him having a vasectomy has come up. I am still having regular periods and only had my last baby 6 months ago (she wasn't exactly planned). I have had the implant but it made me really unwell (fell pregnant after it was taken out), had the coil and that didn't work out for me either, I tried countless contraceptive pills and they all did something negative to my body, from migraines, nausea to mood swings so bad I couldn't deal with me, so it's fair to say, I've done my bit in trying to not have anymore children, so now, it just leaves him to either wear a condom, which he is not prepared to do, or have a vasectomy.

AIBU to want him to have this procedure?

OP posts:
Mumsanetta · 11/01/2023 23:21

I’m so grateful for all the “pick me” women on this thread who would rather have a hysterectomy than ask their precious husbands to wear condoms. Hopefully they will hopefully take all the selfish twatty men and leave the decent ones for the rest of us. Raising a glass to you all and eternally grateful.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 11/01/2023 23:26

by husband who was glad it wasn't him

Gosh it’s a bit “do it to Julia” isn’t it?

Must be hard to realise that he would rather you be in more pain than him be in a lower amount of pain.

BabyOnBoard90 · 11/01/2023 23:40

I would've told you to F off too.

Yes you can ask for sterilisation, you can't insist it though.

Morestrangethings · 12/01/2023 00:19

His body his choice is correct. But by god, imo he’s a selfish arse.

You’ve carried 4 babies(the toll on the body is enormous - just one pregnancy can cause a toll which is not always evident post birth, but becomes more evident post menopause in my experience). 2 of you births were caesareans- so that’s major surgery.

Neither of you want any more children.

And up until now, you’ve taken care of all the contraception. Despite you having difficulty finding a form that didn’t leave you feeling unwell or in pain.

He won’t wear a condom because it doesn’t feel the same. (I actually become enraged by this. He can’t give up a slight difference in sensation). And he’s not willing to have a vasectomy. But you can have a tubiligation - another medical interference to your body? Well, isn’t he precious.

‘If it’s not on, it’s not on.’ YANBU.

Namenic · 12/01/2023 05:52

Personally I think the no condoms is a bad example to set the kids. Condoms would be the better choice for young people as it is both reversible and protects against stds.

CheesyCrumpet · 12/01/2023 06:05

Namenic · 12/01/2023 05:52

Personally I think the no condoms is a bad example to set the kids. Condoms would be the better choice for young people as it is both reversible and protects against stds.

How would the kids even know?
They're hardly stood in the bedroom playing Inspecta Dick.

Namenic · 12/01/2023 06:12

As the kids grow up I will talk to them about where babies come from, consent sex, contraception (in an age-appropriate way). I think it’s very important.

FurAndFeathers · 12/01/2023 06:27

Copasetic · 11/01/2023 22:26

I was in a similar position - husband didn't want sterilisation (fear of needles) and didn't like condoms. I chose to be sterilised as I had no fear of it and thought even if I was a bit unwell for a day or two, in the grand scheme of things it was no big deal. I had it done, got waited on a bit by husband who was glad it wasn't him and really it was no big deal at all. I know it's supposed to be a bigger deal for a woman but I was a bit sore and nothing more.

Aren’t you lucky to have a husband who’s willing to sit back and watch you have surgery so that he can chose to take zero responsibility.

Lovely!

OoooohMatron · 12/01/2023 07:22

Namenic · 12/01/2023 05:52

Personally I think the no condoms is a bad example to set the kids. Condoms would be the better choice for young people as it is both reversible and protects against stds.

Weird comment. Hopefully a married couple wouldn't need to protect each other from STIs. Unless one was cheating in which case they're setting the worst example to their kids anyway.

wp65 · 12/01/2023 07:41

pigsDOfly · 11/01/2023 17:27

I'm surprised at some of the answers on here.

Yes, it is the OP's husbands body and if he doesn't want to have a vasectomy then yes, it's his right to refuse but he's also refusing to use any contraception i.e a condom because that, aparently, inconveniences him. Well isn't he lovely.

Surely, as a couple you work together to find a solution that works for both of you.

OP has had four children, she's had two c-sections and tried numerous methods of contraception, two of which were fairly invasive, all of which caused her problems of one kind or another.

When exactly is her husband to be expected, as the other half of this partnership, to step up and do his part in this relationship to make sure there are no further pregnancies?

Sterilisation is more invasive than a vasectomy, the recovery is longer and it requires a GA, which a vasectomy doesn't.

I'm not sure I could stay with someone who is so selfish that he will not take on the responsibility of something as simple as using a condom to ensure that his wife doesn't have go through yet another pregnancy and potentially another major operation if she needs another c-section.

When I was sterilised many years ago I did it because, after two miscarriages, a still birth and three babies I was absolutely determined to have no more children.

I wasn't really concerned about how my, then, husband felt about it. I did it for me so there was no question in my mind about it. But even he who was an extremely selfish man, would not have refused to use a condom if it had been necessary.

Strongly agree with all this!

Naunet · 12/01/2023 08:55

ConfusedNT · 11/01/2023 22:39

God its easy for men isn't it

Have a child, change your mind, walk away. Go self employed, don't pay CMS, you can't be forced to do half the parenting.

Don't want a child, don't have a vasectomy, refuse condoms and expect your wife to either go on hormonal contraception whixh has horrible side effects for her or get riskier surgery with are higher chance of failure

Don't fancy pulling your weight around the house, just sit back, don't 'see the mess' and complain your wife nags if she says anything

Don't want to pay for childcare, just don't. Either your wife won't be able to afford to pay and will have to stay at home with the kids, and then you can moan about being the breadwinner, or she can afford to she's just left with nothing whilst you treat yourself when you want

And if all else fails just claim she doesn't understand you, doesn't want to have sex with you, and start it all over again with another woman who suddenly finds themselves expected to look after your kids from your first marriage.

And before anyone jumps on me - not all men obviously. But enough of them, taking a pick and mix approach to the options above, just sitting back and coasting to make it just socially acceptable and to have people running around with excuses for them

👏👏👏

pawprintseverywhere · 12/01/2023 09:18

No I don't think YABU for putting the suggestion of a vasectomy across as an option for him, I was in the same boat after childbirth all contraceptives messed me up big time. Nausea, vomiting, the works DH wasn't standing for that and both agreeing no more children, he put himself forward for the vasectomy - it wasn't straightforward he was one of the rare ones who had to go under GA, and now 10yr on he has painful lumps in his balls. His stepbrother also suffered bad after the vasectomy when one of his testes swelled like a grapefruit but our sex life is brilliant, no scary moments, and he would do it again in a heartbeat. The fact of the matter is no you shudnt have to take contraception if its messing with your body but on the same hand it really is a case of "His body, his choice" - Society today is so hung up on human rights to object to things and 'you do you' ect. Sadly I think you have reached a stalemate, throw the Johnny's at him and tell him to pop a helmet on his little soilder or the sweet shop is shut. What a horrible situation for you OP

crossstitchingnana · 12/01/2023 10:35

Huge MN sin but I haven't read the entire thread. However, my dh also didn't want a vasectomy so I used a diaphragm for the last few years of my fertility and it worked well.

Original poster
rollitagain · 12/01/2023 11:28

@randomuser2020

His solution is to have unprotected sex avoiding the ovulation period. Not so keen on that to be honest, not only because it's risky, but using a condom to him isn't even an option.

OP posts:
BunchHarman · 12/01/2023 11:34

rollitagain · 12/01/2023 11:28

@randomuser2020

His solution is to have unprotected sex avoiding the ovulation period. Not so keen on that to be honest, not only because it's risky, but using a condom to him isn't even an option.

He can get to fuck.

Not only is this man not prepared to wear condoms because he doesn’t like them (boo fucking hoo), let alone have a vasectomy, he also prepared to put you through an abortion when his ‘method’ of contraception invariably goes wrong???

Utterly selfish cunt.

PrincessConstance · 12/01/2023 11:36

I think due to his age and the number of children he should get a vasectomy.
Do people actually use condoms, I'm quite surprised, especially in an LTR. They're a bit formal and unsexy, and kill the sensations for all involved.

Namenic · 12/01/2023 11:44

We promote condom use among young people very rationally both for the prevention of stds and pregnancy.

OP and her husband are unlikely to get STDs, but why should teenagers listen to them about condoms if he won’t wear them (despite putting his wife’s health and family’s economic situation at risk)? He is promoting risky and selfish behaviour for the benefit of his pleasure alone.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/01/2023 11:49

PrincessConstance · 12/01/2023 11:36

I think due to his age and the number of children he should get a vasectomy.
Do people actually use condoms, I'm quite surprised, especially in an LTR. They're a bit formal and unsexy, and kill the sensations for all involved.

We do. Together 20 years.

BIWI · 12/01/2023 11:50

rollitagain · 12/01/2023 11:28

@randomuser2020

His solution is to have unprotected sex avoiding the ovulation period. Not so keen on that to be honest, not only because it's risky, but using a condom to him isn't even an option.

JFC does your 'D'H understand how risky that might be?! What's his solution if it doesn't work and you conceive again?

anotherscroller · 12/01/2023 11:54

whatstheteamarie · 11/01/2023 16:20

Why is he not prepared to wear a condom?

That is literally the very least he can do.

Oh come on.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/01/2023 11:55

rollitagain · 12/01/2023 11:28

@randomuser2020

His solution is to have unprotected sex avoiding the ovulation period. Not so keen on that to be honest, not only because it's risky, but using a condom to him isn't even an option.

You are equally allowed to say a blanket no to this as he does to condoms.

It's gonna be a bit of a Mexican showdown, but imo worth standing your ground.

Worst case scenario if he won't budge is he will get less/no sex.

Worst case scenario for you if you cave is pregnancy, labour, morning after pill, abortion, birth, adding another child.

I'd argue that the worst outcome for you is lightyears ahead of the worst outcome for him. So stick to your guns.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/01/2023 11:56

anotherscroller · 12/01/2023 11:54

Oh come on.

Show quote history

What's the oh come on for?

ShakespearesBlister · 12/01/2023 11:56

It's a difficult one to make a split decision on but I'm trying to visualise a header saying DW doesn't want to get sterilised and it really doesn't sit very well. Why would this be so much more acceptable? I'm assuming it isn't just DH who still wants sex without having to take precautions.

ImBlueDab · 12/01/2023 11:58

Mumsanetta · 11/01/2023 16:24

He is entitled to refuse to have a vasectomy as it’s his body. You are entitled to refuse to have sex if he doesn’t use a condom.

This!

Lockheart · 12/01/2023 12:01

Setting aside the main debate for a moment, I'm always surprised at how strong the assumption is on these sorts of threads that the OP doesn't want sex and will happily go without, and that "he" shouldn't "get" sex if he doesn't wear a condom or have a vasectomy.

Whatever happened to both partners wanting to have sex with each other and enjoying it? Is it such an alien concept to think women might desire sex too? I find the whole "sex isn't a big deal to women but it is to men, women only have sex to please men, sex can be used as a transactional weapon" attitude quite depressing.

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