DH doesn't want a vasectomy

[rollitagain]

DH and I have been together for 25 years, 4 children, he is 49.

Recently the topic of him having a vasectomy has come up. I am still having regular periods and only had my last baby 6 months ago (she wasn't exactly planned). I have had the implant but it made me really unwell (fell pregnant after it was taken out), had the coil and that didn't work out for me either, I tried countless contraceptive pills and they all did something negative to my body, from migraines, nausea to mood swings so bad I couldn't deal with me, so it's fair to say, I've done my bit in trying to not have anymore children, so now, it just leaves him to either wear a condom, which he is not prepared to do, or have a vasectomy.

AIBU to want him to have this procedure?

And yet 8 in 10 women report pain after hysteroscopic inserts. 1 in 50 require surgery after due to things such as persistent long term pain. And, as with any sterilisation, they still run the risk of it not being successful and suffering an ectopic pregnancy, which is statistically significantly more dangerous than a pregnancy. So, regardless of terminology, sterilisation is till the least best option when compared to vasectomy. Well, for women, of course.

Jesus. That sounds horrific. So…internal.

The pro-sterilisation anti-women league have clearly spent hours swotting up the stats to defend their own position of having similar selfish cunts for husbands. 😂

“Jesus. That sounds horrific. So…internal.”

But actually completely painless for those poor men who’ve been through so much already…

I hate these threads:

OP: “We’ve had four children, including an unplanned one. Pregnancies and births were hard. All hormonal contraceptives make feel dire, I’ve tried them all. My husband has point-blank refused a vasectomy and refused to wear condoms. What do I do?”

Batshitters of Mumsnet: “Who the fuck do you think you are trying to make him have a vasectomy? Menz rights. Ball pain. Anecdata..”

”Why don’t you get sterilised for fuck’s sake?”

”He might want more kids with his next wife! How dare you try to deny her children.”

“How dare you threaten to withhold sex? It’s inhumane. I hope he leaves you.”

I know right? All that sex they had to have. All those hours sitting on their phones in the labour suite. All that 2% reduced sensation sex because of those barbaric condoms. Awful. Poor babies.

I was in a similar position - husband didn't want sterilisation (fear of needles) and didn't like condoms. I chose to be sterilised as I had no fear of it and thought even if I was a bit unwell for a day or two, in the grand scheme of things it was no big deal. I had it done, got waited on a bit by husband who was glad it wasn't him and really it was no big deal at all. I know it's supposed to be a bigger deal for a woman but I was a bit sore and nothing more.

He is being incredibly selfish. You've done your bit, literally risking death to create and birth his beautiful children, suffering all the side effects of other contraception, but he can't accept any risk at all to his precious body?

Ugh, obviously yes it is his choice but god it's an unattractive choice. Well, it's condoms or no entry then, isn't it.

You can't force him. Get yourself sterilised. I was sterilised 30 years ago. Very straight procedure and worth it for piece of mind

He is being very selfish expecting you to take all the responsibility for birth control. Does he want more children?
He is selfish normally or just about this?
If he isn't prepared to at least wear a condom I think he will have to accept that your sex life is over .

Yes, and me too. Mine was very willing to have it done. In the end I was effectively sterilised through removal of ovaries for cancer prevention but he wound have had the snip as other family members had done.

His choices are vasectomy, condoms or abstinence.

The ‘big deal’ is that you’re still married to a (clever) selfish arse who would happily see you go through that rather than himself. Glad you’re pleased with how you saved that hero of yours. 🙄

Missing the point… have you read the thread?

Jesus fucking Christ. It's actually scary reading some of these replies. It give me the heebie jeebies reading the mysoginistic shite telling the womenfolk to bend over once more and have that major surgery to save the precious head of their households from having to take on any discomfort or risk (that is still nothing compared to what women deal with during their fertile years)
It's like an episode of sister wives or one of those creepy religious family documentaries.

God its easy for men isn't it

Have a child, change your mind, walk away. Go self employed, don't pay CMS, you can't be forced to do half the parenting.

Don't want a child, don't have a vasectomy, refuse condoms and expect your wife to either go on hormonal contraception whixh has horrible side effects for her or get riskier surgery with are higher chance of failure

Don't fancy pulling your weight around the house, just sit back, don't 'see the mess' and complain your wife nags if she says anything

Don't want to pay for childcare, just don't. Either your wife won't be able to afford to pay and will have to stay at home with the kids, and then you can moan about being the breadwinner, or she can afford to she's just left with nothing whilst you treat yourself when you want

And if all else fails just claim she doesn't understand you, doesn't want to have sex with you, and start it all over again with another woman who suddenly finds themselves expected to look after your kids from your first marriage.

And before anyone jumps on me - not all men obviously. But enough of them, taking a pick and mix approach to the options above, just sitting back and coasting to make it just socially acceptable and to have people running around with excuses for them

She can't force him so he is effectively forcing her by his refusal.

He doesnt want a vasectomy
He doesnt want condoms
Presumably he doesnt want you to go through any more negative side effects
Presumably he doesnt want to abstain?

What does he want? As far as I can see the only other options are using cycle tracking that will likely result in an unwanted pregnancy and difficult decisions and resentment....or plan for another baby. What is his actual solution other than shooting down everything you suggest so that you can continue with your sex life?

Exactly. Imagine finding out that all that pain and suffering you went through in pregnancy and childbirth, all the risk you accepted - your partner seems to have no appreciation or respect for. That he's apparently just glad it was you rather than him and he'd happily see you go through another dose when this time he could be a brave boy and spare you that final sacrifice. I'd be gutted.

This is a pretty depressing thread. The number of women who would be prepared to be sterilised because their DH won't step up and do their bit in terms of contraception/minor discomfort. I'm actually quite shocked.

Bravo. 👏🏻

Ah he waited on you a bit did he. What a hero!

Had he actually refused to have a vasectomy? The OP’s posts don’t actually say that

There's always the bobbitt option...

Just saying!

Me too. Women would rather sterilise themselves than face the truth of how little their husbands care about them.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to want him to have it, but I equally don't think he's being unreasonable not wanting to have it