DH doesn't want a vasectomy

[rollitagain]

DH and I have been together for 25 years, 4 children, he is 49.

Recently the topic of him having a vasectomy has come up. I am still having regular periods and only had my last baby 6 months ago (she wasn't exactly planned). I have had the implant but it made me really unwell (fell pregnant after it was taken out), had the coil and that didn't work out for me either, I tried countless contraceptive pills and they all did something negative to my body, from migraines, nausea to mood swings so bad I couldn't deal with me, so it's fair to say, I've done my bit in trying to not have anymore children, so now, it just leaves him to either wear a condom, which he is not prepared to do, or have a vasectomy.

AIBU to want him to have this procedure?

Feel your pain, last try was coil for me not only bled every day for 9mth made my mood so low I was suicidal, had the pill prior to kids from age 12 to 30 so feel the same way that why should I mess with my hormones when he can have a simple day procedure.
I would love more kids he doesn't so he should take care of it, he hates condoms so only solution, well no it's not as tbh his other solution virtually no see life and working it round my cycle. Totally depressing for me and lack of intimacy really begining to affect me

Why is no sex rolled out as a solution.

Because no condoms, no female contraception, no male contraception equals babies, which they don't want. That leave no sex.

OP has laid out reasons why the contraceptive options available to her are not suitable. Her husband declines to have a vasectomy or to use condoms. Therefore sex for the OP carries the risk of pregnancy, there is no risk to her husband of pregnancy.

The safest course for OP to prevent another pregnancy therefore is abstinence.

I am going to come at this with the assumption that you both love each other and you'd both like your sex life to continue and neither of you want any more children at this stage.

I would go to a family planning clinic (or just start googling) and get more information about contraceptive options. They are not limited to hormonal (female), barrier (male), or sterilisation (either). There are non-hormonal options you could use such as a diaphragm, cap, or sponge.

It is also worth trying different condoms. Many men wear condoms that are the wrong size and this leads to them feeling uncomfortable. They shouldn't be if they are the right fit. You could try starting here: www.esquire.com/lifestyle/sex/a46620/condom-sizes/

Whilst it is his body his choice he is being incredible selfish refusing to wear condoms. He is forcing you into a position where you either have to suffer the effects of hormonal contraception, which is hard on you, or into a sexless marriage.

And whilst I do believe he shouldn't have surgery if he doesn't want to, I do tend to feel a bit 🙄about men who, if they wanted children, are willing to let their wives or partners go through pregnancy and childbirth with all the associated risks but then decide they are not willing to take a tiny risk to prevent it from happening again. Its all about the good of the family until its him.

He needs to wear condoms at the very minimum

It really isn’t, not any more. It can be done as day surgery under local anaesthetic. And yes I know that vasectomy can be done in a GP surgery, but that still doesn’t mean sterilisation is “major surgery”.

I can’t believe the selfish cunt is also refusing to wear condoms. What a fucking Prince.

Two of my exes had vasectomies before they met me, both deeply regretted it.

Well I'm sure OP's main concern is for his happiness with his next partner.

If, after I’d borne and birthed four children and felt shit with any kind of hormonal contraception (having tried them all), my husband refused a vasectomy and also refused to wear a condom, there’s no way on god’s green earth I’d be giving him a fucking blow job.

Is he trying to force you into sterilisation?

Sterilisation for women is a major surgery with significant risks because it generally requires a general anaesthetic and considerably longer recovery time than a vasectomy, which carries far lower risk.

I'm sorry but if I was the OP I would be more concerned that I had had 4 children and had reactions to hormonal contraception than whether any mythical future partner might want kids. They've been married 25 years, I presume she expects to be married a few more.

He might be keeping his options open, should your marriage end up breaking down.

The thing is even if the OP is sterilised she still runs the risk of an ectopic pregnancy

So she had the riskier surgery, and then still has a risk of something medically going wrong at a future point.

With a vasectomy that risk is gone

Or, you know, he could at least stick a condom on

I agree.

But the issue with "no sex at all" is that OP may actually still want to have sex...
And him going down on her (or mutual oral sex etc) may be a way to deal with that.

Yes I’m aware of how biology works @MrsTerryPratchett . What I mean is that the no sex as a solution seems to be said as a way to punish the man but actually means the woman is also missing out.
Marriage and relationships involve compromise. It is reasonable to expect your husband to undergo a small procedure to enable you to have safe sex in a marriage especially after you the woman’s body has undertaken pregnancies and the previous responsibility for contraception.
Going by the ‘no sex’ as a solution I suggest it’s no sex for him. OP has the right to choose not to be in a sexless marriage and to leave and find a relationship where she can enjoy sex without the risk of pregnancy.

This.

Entering the abdominal cavity carries greater risk than a superficial perineal surgery. It also involves dissection through several muscle layers incurring more pain and side effects.

if infection or moderate-significant haemorrhage occurs, the risks and consequences are dramatically different

He's nearly 50 with 4 kids. Maybe it's time for him to consider his current families needs rather than a fantastic new family.

We have had the same argument. I refused sex without a condom and that's what we now do. I would prefer the vasectomy but it's not my body.

I had a surprise baby age 41 after 2 planned children and a huge age gap. Other half kept putting of having the snip so I made sure I was sterilised 🤷‍♀️.
Tell him our sex life has really improved now I know I'm not having anymore surprises lol ,you never know it might give him a nudge 🤣

So you’re suggesting that OP should prioritise her husband’s preferences for his potential future partner @Berlinlover ?

Oddly enough I doubt that priority is high on her list 🙄

Having had a vasectomy that had problems I can 100% assure you you are very wrong

ended up with massive infection re stitched
pain months later which would stop me in my tracks
at one point they wanted to remove a testicle. Had to have another surgery still get pain now 13 years later
about 1 in 10 have problems
worst decisions of my life wish I’d never had it done

I had this exact situation. I had been on the pill from 18, two c sections later we felt out family was complete. My ex h refused to have a vasectomy. No discussion he just refused. I was not going to be sterilised and go through an early menopause. Also I did feel I had done enough and it was time that the bloody man stepped up. So we stopped having sex as he didn’t like condoms. As you can see he is now my ex. And has gone on to have a baby with the OW 😂. Tried to tell me it was a surprise baby 😂

That sounds awful.

now imagine that was your abdominal cavity.
you’d be dead from peritonitis.

that’s the risk for women