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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn't want a vasectomy

223 replies

rollitagain · 11/01/2023 16:19

DH and I have been together for 25 years, 4 children, he is 49.

Recently the topic of him having a vasectomy has come up. I am still having regular periods and only had my last baby 6 months ago (she wasn't exactly planned). I have had the implant but it made me really unwell (fell pregnant after it was taken out), had the coil and that didn't work out for me either, I tried countless contraceptive pills and they all did something negative to my body, from migraines, nausea to mood swings so bad I couldn't deal with me, so it's fair to say, I've done my bit in trying to not have anymore children, so now, it just leaves him to either wear a condom, which he is not prepared to do, or have a vasectomy.

AIBU to want him to have this procedure?

OP posts:
Overthehill123 · 11/01/2023 18:25

My friends husband is the same. For me it just shows a massive lack of respect and that he doesn't see you as an equal. He's happy for you to pump your body full of hormones, grow and birth 4 children and then recover but won't consider a condom or a 10 minute minor op- it speaks volumes.

OoooohMatron · 11/01/2023 18:25

Treeeeeeee · 11/01/2023 16:22

Of course you are being unreasonable. You cannot force him to have any operation he doesn't want. If you are certain you don't want more children why don't you get sterilised

What!! OP has tried other forms of contraception which don't agree with her and dickhead refuses to wear a condom. You think after having 4 kids she should be the one to get sterilised . Bloody hell, you've got to be a man.

Shoxfordian · 11/01/2023 18:28

His choice not to have a vasectomy but your choice to not have any more sex with him unless he uses a condom

crimbocountdown · 11/01/2023 18:30

Why didn't you request sterilisation when you gave birth - they wouldn't have done it at the same time

If you chose not do it then you can hardly demand he now goes for a vasectomy

LexMitior · 11/01/2023 18:32

Condoms. Would be temporary.

He is being unreasonable but it is his body. But the same is true for you. He cannot ask you to bear a risk of pregnancy- condoms are the least invasive option.

Besides, it's not the only thing in sex, is it?

DixonD · 11/01/2023 18:35

Bestcatmum · 11/01/2023 16:30

Don't have sex with him until he sorts something out. You don't have to have sex if you don't want to. Vasectomy auses nil symptoms. Sterilisation op can cause a horrible early menopause. It happened to me then my husband left because I turned into Godzilla.

That’s simply completely false.

1 in 10 men suffer long term chronic pain after a vasectomy. I would never suggest to my husband that he gets one. Not worth the risk.

Scotty12 · 11/01/2023 18:37

YANBU. Four children, a string of unpleasant contraceptives… It’s his turn now. Appreciate vasectomy is not the nicest but neither is childbirth!

Melloyellow1983 · 11/01/2023 18:49

Overthehill123 · 11/01/2023 18:25

My friends husband is the same. For me it just shows a massive lack of respect and that he doesn't see you as an equal. He's happy for you to pump your body full of hormones, grow and birth 4 children and then recover but won't consider a condom or a 10 minute minor op- it speaks volumes.

This 👆🏼

cannot believe pp saying you’re being unreasonable. Literally the least he can do given you’ve had 4 children. It would be a dealbreaker for me. LTB

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 11/01/2023 18:50

Does he know they have moved on from the 'two brick method'?

GerbilsForever24 · 11/01/2023 18:57

euff · 11/01/2023 17:39

@GerbilsForever24 was the person doing the procedure a man?

My mum got pregnant with the coil and miscarried haemorrhaging badly. The dr congratulated my dad on getting her pregnant whilst on the coil. Angry

A woman!!!

Can2022getanyworse · 11/01/2023 19:23

1 in 10 men suffer long term chronic pain after a vasectomy. I would never suggest to my husband that he gets one. Not worth the risk.

I wonder what the stats are for the number of women that suffer life-long chronic pain after pregnancy and childbirth? Or those who have life-long changes to their bodies after pregnancy and bf? Or who suffer birth injuries or have to be cut due to instrumental birth or ceasarians? Or who suffer years of side effects due to hormonal birth control - huge changes to the body, awful periods, pmt, breast and period pains.

I know plenty of couples where the chap has had a vasectomy with zero complications of any kind.

I bet any man who experiences any sort of ongoing discomfort gets themselves to the gp sharpish for some medical remedy. Women are expected to suck it up and plod on. Post birth trauma? Sorry you've got a newborn to care for. Flooding every month? Try a mooncup/doubling up sanpro/spare clothes. Prolapse? I'll put you on a waiting list for ineffectual and damaging repair. Increased risk of clots, breast cancer etc etc etc. What % of women go through this and DON'T ask the gp to investigate because it's just 'unfortunate for women'? How many of these has op experienced?

And OP's dp won't wear a condom?

Original poster
rollitagain · 11/01/2023 20:12

@crimbocountdown

Because I had a c-section with my first 2 children and we always wanted 3, however No.3 came into the world the 'normal' way.

OP posts:
HoppingAndHoping · 11/01/2023 20:17

Condom or a vasectomy.

Or no sex*. Simple imo.

*well, at least not PIV. Different sexual practices like (e.g. oral) are obviously still an option if that is something you both like...

PurpleFlower1983 · 11/01/2023 20:22

He’s a twat, it’s one thing to not want the op but to refuse a condom too, fucking arsehole. I would be refusing sex.

IntentionalError · 11/01/2023 20:28

YABU to expect him to have a vasectomy. His body, his choice.
YANBU, however, to refuse to have sex with him if he refuses to wear a condom. It’s time for him to accept responsibility for contraception, one way or another.

Bintymcbintface · 11/01/2023 20:37

Why are men not wanting vasectomies considered selfish? It's an (albeit small) invasive procedure. Why is the solution to the refusal, no sex? Maybe the women want to continue to have sex with their partners...

lemonsorbetinthesun · 11/01/2023 20:40

Where I live they won’t do female sterilisation for contraceptive reasons. That’s because it’s such a big operation. They will do vasectomies.
so just putting it out there, that it may not be an option for you to be sterilised anyway.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/01/2023 20:44

Bintymcbintface · 11/01/2023 20:37

Why are men not wanting vasectomies considered selfish? It's an (albeit small) invasive procedure. Why is the solution to the refusal, no sex? Maybe the women want to continue to have sex with their partners...

Because she can't take other forms of contraception and he won't wear a condom.

Selfish.

She's swum the channel and he won't step over a puddle.

Thank fuck I married a sensible bloke.

piedbeauty · 11/01/2023 20:46

You have tried all those contraceptives, and he won't even wear a condom? Why on earth not? What is his reasoning?

FurAndFeathers · 11/01/2023 20:48

Treeeeeeee · 11/01/2023 16:22

Of course you are being unreasonable. You cannot force him to have any operation he doesn't want. If you are certain you don't want more children why don't you get sterilised

Perhaps because major abdominal surgery is significantly riskier.

why is it always the woman’s responsibility whist the bloke just gets to opt out?

FurAndFeathers · 11/01/2023 20:50

Bintymcbintface · 11/01/2023 20:37

Why are men not wanting vasectomies considered selfish? It's an (albeit small) invasive procedure. Why is the solution to the refusal, no sex? Maybe the women want to continue to have sex with their partners...

Because the alternative is a large invasive procedure for the woman after years of contraceptive trials.

at what point exactly do you think men ought to contribute to contraceptive responsibilities in a partnership?

is 50 years of doing fuck all not enough?

UWhatNow · 11/01/2023 20:57

Can’t believe some of the vile ‘his body’ responses here ‘how dare you force a poor man - you can just get sterilised’… as if ‘just’ getting sterilised for a woman is a simple key-hole day procedure like a vasectomy. News flash - it isn’t, it’s major surgery! But clearly her body - after birthing 4 of his children - isn’t important then? 🙄

In all of the friends and family we know EVERY middle-aged bloke got the snip. It’s the absolute decent and right thing if you are a committed couple and certainly after having a family of four!

I would be insisting too op. And if, after four kids he can’t step up and do this simple thing for you and your family then he’s a selfish wanker. (Literally, from now on.)

UWhatNow · 11/01/2023 20:59

Selfish.
**
She's swum the channel and he won't step over a puddle.
**
Thank fuck I married a sensible bloke.

Absolutely right. Me too.

bakewellbride · 11/01/2023 21:00

@UWhatNow I agree. We have had our last baby and dh is on the vasectomy waiting list. It's up to 2 bloody years long but I just feel happy that he's on it. His turn to take one for the team.

Hobbitfeet32 · 11/01/2023 21:01

Why is no sex rolled out as a solution. Maybe the OP would like to continue having sex with her husband.
Yes it’s his body and all that but it isn’t much to ask him to do so YANBU.

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