DH doesn't want a vasectomy

[rollitagain]

DH and I have been together for 25 years, 4 children, he is 49.

Recently the topic of him having a vasectomy has come up. I am still having regular periods and only had my last baby 6 months ago (she wasn't exactly planned). I have had the implant but it made me really unwell (fell pregnant after it was taken out), had the coil and that didn't work out for me either, I tried countless contraceptive pills and they all did something negative to my body, from migraines, nausea to mood swings so bad I couldn't deal with me, so it's fair to say, I've done my bit in trying to not have anymore children, so now, it just leaves him to either wear a condom, which he is not prepared to do, or have a vasectomy.

AIBU to want him to have this procedure?

A vasectomy is easier, even more so going the the non scalpel route, it doesn't require a GA like tubes tied, the recovery is much quicker for a vasectomy and I'm looking after all the kids, plus, call me selfish, but I've had 2 c-sections (first 2 children), I think him having a small procedure isn't asking a lot.

His body, his choice. He's 49, is he planning on having more kids? Don't we have enough?

So what is his suggestion, @rollitagain?

It shouldn’t be thought of as reversible and in many cases reversal does not work. It’s also not available on the NHS so therefore expensive.

I would insist on protection. Unless there's quite an age difference it's not like it'll be necessary for decades either.

It is available on the NHS but the waiting list will be very long.

You absolutely refuse to have sex at this point.

Mostly because he’s a selfish dickhead, and that’s not remotely attractive.

I don't want anymore children, we have 2 and are happy with that, so I've chosen sterilisation due to similar issues as you with hormonal contraception. If you don't want children, you protect yourself. You can't project that onto your DH.

Fair enough, reasonable consequence is non PIV sex. Plenty of other ways for each of you to reach climax.

Used condoms for the whole of our married life (not wanting to go down the contraceptive pill/coil route) apart from planned conception of kids. Talked about me getting the snip but never quite got round to it - I had an inguinal hernia for a couple of years which made it impractical but it was mainly me, I admit, being a bit of a wuss a about it.

Stuck with condoms until DW's periods stopped at menopause. Were always perfectly fine for us. Lovely now we don't have to use them at all, of course! But I do think he's being totally unreasonable given all you've done re: contraception not at least to use condoms if he won't consider a vasectomy. You're not being unreasonable at all!

Our sex life plummeted after DH had a vasectomy.

I don't think my husband as delighted at the bought of a vasectomy but it was either that or no full sex as I was sent prepared to risk another unplanned pregnancy. This was 18 years ago and neither of us have regretted it since.

I think you've married a selfish man, what exactly does he suggest? I doubt I'd ever be in the mood to have sex with someone that selfish.

Why was that, if you dont mind saying?

YABU to expect him to. Sterilisation is more invasive, but if you're the one pushing the issue, then you're the one that needs to do something about it. I'm waiting to get my tubes tied after an accidental pregnancy. DH May or May not get a vasectomy as well but I don't want more kids so I'm doing something about it myself.

@rollitagain ask your DH what he intends doing for contraception then? Honestly, it pisses me off the way men get on while we do all the heavy lifting in anything related to contraception.

He sounds very unnatractive and selfish op. Of course he shouldn't have a vasectomy if he doesn't want one but a condom is the least he can do. Yeuk I hate men like this! I would be saying no to sex with him for a while actually condom or not as this attitude wouldn't make me fancy him

This is controversial and should not be stated as fact. Sterilisation does not affect your hormonal status.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8543885/

Refuse sex. That level of selfishness is wholly unattractive anyway.

No condom, no sex

Then you close the shop and tell him the goods aren't available any more.

@rollitagain what are his suggestions?

His body his choice.

My body my choice. I wouldn't have sex at all without contraception.

He can respond to that viewpoint by either opting in to male contraception, having a sexless marriage or ending the relationship.

You have done your fair share on contraception and also pregnancy and childbirth. You getting your tubes tied is a far bigger procedure.
Him not wanting to have a vasectomy is fine, but he won’t use condoms either which is not fine.
Contraception isn’t the sole responsibility of one person in a partnership.
The only option available to you to prevent pregnancy is abstinence now.

His body his choice. Your body your choice not to get pregnant again. Perfectly reasonable to request the use of condoms. If not those or a vasectomy then he can choose abstinence.

This.

I'm hard pressed to understand why you're with him at all.

This.

My MIL was horrified that I expected her baby boy to do his part and get the snip because I refused to have the massive operation of sterilisation, carry on taking hormonal hell pills or have a foreign body implanted inside me. Why the fuck should I? In over 15 years marriage I carried the joint burden of contraception. I suffered the physical side effects. I carried and birthed his 4 children, leaving my body irrevocably changed for the worse and then it was DH who didn't want any more kids. He also wouldn't wear condoms. MIL tried to talk him out of it, saying it was my job to be sterilised. To stop HIM being able to impregnate ME?!

He opted (eventually) to have the 30 min op. He needed a few paracetamols for discomfort for the following two or three days. That was it.

OP, It may be "his body his choice" but if he won't put a condom on then he has no right to expect you to have sex with him.