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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn't want a vasectomy

223 replies

rollitagain · 11/01/2023 16:19

DH and I have been together for 25 years, 4 children, he is 49.

Recently the topic of him having a vasectomy has come up. I am still having regular periods and only had my last baby 6 months ago (she wasn't exactly planned). I have had the implant but it made me really unwell (fell pregnant after it was taken out), had the coil and that didn't work out for me either, I tried countless contraceptive pills and they all did something negative to my body, from migraines, nausea to mood swings so bad I couldn't deal with me, so it's fair to say, I've done my bit in trying to not have anymore children, so now, it just leaves him to either wear a condom, which he is not prepared to do, or have a vasectomy.

AIBU to want him to have this procedure?

OP posts:
WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 11/01/2023 17:13

He doesn't have to obviously, but as a PP says I'd be asking him what his solution is as you won't be using any contraception because of the impact it has on you and neither of you want more children. Until an alternative solution is found, you'll both need to abstain from any activity that could lead to pregnancy.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 11/01/2023 17:15

Tell him it will feel a hell of a lot better than no sex, using a condom or paying for a divorce!

I cannot understand his selfishness. From the beginning you have been the one managing contraception for years, all of which have impacts on your body & hormones. You have carried your children for 9 months and had the impact of that on your body and hormones.

How does he think it is anthing other than selfish to expect you to yet again have to manage the contraception element of your relationship?

PuttingDownRoots · 11/01/2023 17:20

Hrs entitled to make decisions for his health
You're entitled to make decisions for yours.

(FWIW... vasectomy improved our sex life as I wasn't paranoid about pregnancy the whole time.)

MaverickGooseGoose · 11/01/2023 17:20

We're in this situation but he won't even buy the bloody condoms. He's wear them if I buy them and I've had enough.

So no sex it is.

HyacinthBridgerton · 11/01/2023 17:23

DH won't have a vasectomy. I would never try and talk him into it as I would never be talked into a medical procedure myself. I know he'd have another baby if I died, he remarried for whatever reason, or we won the lottery.

Logically I disagree with other posters that DH 'owes it to you' but I DO empathise, I have had similar thoughts myself ...

We used the lactational amenorrhoea method until our youngest was 6 months old, which meant we considered the rhythm method. The other option was condoms. In reality we use both - condoms every time, and try to avoid PIV sex when I'm most fertile as a sort-of belt and braces too. He also takes some sort of seed - maybe grapefruit? - which apparently lowers men's sperm count 😂

SomethingOriginal2 · 11/01/2023 17:25

rollitagain · 11/01/2023 16:24

@whatstheteamarie

Simply doesn't like it, "Doesn't feel the same", but I am not willing to not use one and have another baby. Being sterilised is more invasive than a vasectomy. I am fully prepared to go the condom route rather than the operation, but he's resisting.

Then I'd tell him that you can't have sex. It'll be hard for you too but it's you stuck with another pregnancy or a termination.

Biscuits1011 · 11/01/2023 17:25

Well I told my dp he either has it done or no sex. So guess which one he picked lol

pigsDOfly · 11/01/2023 17:27

I'm surprised at some of the answers on here.

Yes, it is the OP's husbands body and if he doesn't want to have a vasectomy then yes, it's his right to refuse but he's also refusing to use any contraception i.e a condom because that, aparently, inconveniences him. Well isn't he lovely.

Surely, as a couple you work together to find a solution that works for both of you.

OP has had four children, she's had two c-sections and tried numerous methods of contraception, two of which were fairly invasive, all of which caused her problems of one kind or another.

When exactly is her husband to be expected, as the other half of this partnership, to step up and do his part in this relationship to make sure there are no further pregnancies?

Sterilisation is more invasive than a vasectomy, the recovery is longer and it requires a GA, which a vasectomy doesn't.

I'm not sure I could stay with someone who is so selfish that he will not take on the responsibility of something as simple as using a condom to ensure that his wife doesn't have go through yet another pregnancy and potentially another major operation if she needs another c-section.

When I was sterilised many years ago I did it because, after two miscarriages, a still birth and three babies I was absolutely determined to have no more children.

I wasn't really concerned about how my, then, husband felt about it. I did it for me so there was no question in my mind about it. But even he who was an extremely selfish man, would not have refused to use a condom if it had been necessary.

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 11/01/2023 17:29

Sure, you can't make someone have a medical procedure if they don't want to. But seriously, he needs to step the feck up. You have been through a lot physically yet he's happy for you to keep doing that so he doesn't need to wear a condom. I find this attitude so selfish. Why should you also take another hit with sterilisation?! My husband didn't think twice, in fact it was his suggestion. It's an equal relationship where we both make sacrifices.

GerbilsForever24 · 11/01/2023 17:34

What sort of amazes me about men like this is that they think the solution is for the WOMAN to do something to her body to prevent contraception. The reason it only sort of amazes me, is that sadly, a large swathe of the medical population feel the same. DH didn't want a vasectomy. I refused any more hormones/coil etc. Eventually, he decided to do it but on the day, wussed out because the person dong the procedure a) terrified him by how dangerous it was and b) kept quizzing him on why his wife couldn't get the coil or have hormones. A friend, on requesting an appointment to have her coil removed, was asked, "what does your husband think, perhaps you should wait and discuss it with him?"

Condoms or nothing. He doesn't have to do it, sure. But you have every right to point blank refuse any kind of sex that might result in pregnancy.

In this house, not only do we now stick with condoms, I absolutely insist that DH is responsible for buying them. I did all the heavy lifting for years, he can get himself down to sainsburys and buy condoms now and again.

HyacinthBridgerton · 11/01/2023 17:35

In this house, not only do we now stick with condoms, I absolutely insist that DH is responsible for buying them. I did all the heavy lifting for years, he can get himself down to sainsburys and buy condoms now and again.

Hear, hear. Same in this house.

SarahAshley2 · 11/01/2023 17:36

rollitagain · 11/01/2023 16:19

DH and I have been together for 25 years, 4 children, he is 49.

Recently the topic of him having a vasectomy has come up. I am still having regular periods and only had my last baby 6 months ago (she wasn't exactly planned). I have had the implant but it made me really unwell (fell pregnant after it was taken out), had the coil and that didn't work out for me either, I tried countless contraceptive pills and they all did something negative to my body, from migraines, nausea to mood swings so bad I couldn't deal with me, so it's fair to say, I've done my bit in trying to not have anymore children, so now, it just leaves him to either wear a condom, which he is not prepared to do, or have a vasectomy.

AIBU to want him to have this procedure?

Refuses to wear a condom but expects the contraceptive to fall down to you? He’s a prick! Condom or no sex… end of!

You can’t insist on a vasectomy the same as he can’t insist you get sterilised but a condom is easy.

EmmaDilemma5 · 11/01/2023 17:39

A 49 yr old with 4 children, at least one unplanned, won't use condoms?!

He's so selfish. Massive turn off to me. I personally would just stop having sex. No condom, no sex.

euff · 11/01/2023 17:39

@GerbilsForever24 was the person doing the procedure a man?

My mum got pregnant with the coil and miscarried haemorrhaging badly. The dr congratulated my dad on getting her pregnant whilst on the coil. Angry

AthenaPopodopolous · 11/01/2023 17:39

Have you tried the self administered contraceptive jag, Sanyana Press. Fab! But you can’t force him to get a vasectomy so if you don’t want a pregnancy then maybe use natural contraceptive methods. Big risk tho.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/01/2023 17:41

AthenaPopodopolous · 11/01/2023 17:39

Have you tried the self administered contraceptive jag, Sanyana Press. Fab! But you can’t force him to get a vasectomy so if you don’t want a pregnancy then maybe use natural contraceptive methods. Big risk tho.

Why should she do any of this? Especially for a man who clearly doesn't care about her.

courgettigreensadwater · 11/01/2023 17:42

rollitagain · 11/01/2023 16:42

A vasectomy is easier, even more so going the the non scalpel route, it doesn't require a GA like tubes tied, the recovery is much quicker for a vasectomy and I'm looking after all the kids, plus, call me selfish, but I've had 2 c-sections (first 2 children), I think him having a small procedure isn't asking a lot.

His body, his choice. He's 49, is he planning on having more kids? Don't we have enough?

I agree with you completely OP. His body his choice blah blah....... presumably you both wanted children - but you had no choice it being you that carried them all ending with natural births and C sections. It's a small sacrifice especially these days. My DH had it done when my youngest was 3 months old and completely understood I had done my bit with birth control for years and years, pregnancies and c sections.

courgettigreensadwater · 11/01/2023 17:43

gingergeorge2 · 11/01/2023 16:47

I don't want anymore children, we have 2 and are happy with that, so I've chosen sterilisation due to similar issues as you with hormonal contraception. If you don't want children, you protect yourself. You can't project that onto your DH.

You most certainly can if he also doesn't want any more children.

HyggeTygge · 11/01/2023 17:46

Women like sex too (although less so with selfish arses) - consigning yourself to a sexless marriage isn't exactly the best gotcha.

You really need to talk through your options. Neither of you want any surgery (understandable) so the options are no sex, or sex with condoms. Which will he agree to?

Don't have sex with him unless you are sure no babies are going to result - for your own health.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/01/2023 17:50

Women like sex too (although less so with selfish arses) - consigning yourself to a sexless marriage isn't exactly the best gotcha

Guaranteed within 3 months he'll have been to Boots for condoms.

Original poster
rollitagain · 11/01/2023 18:07

@Mommabear20

I'm not 'pushing' the issue. Neither of us want more children, and he is in agreement that I have done enough over the years to prevent having children when we didn't want one (not including the last and she came along much quicker than we were told conception could happen).

OP posts:
SeenAndNot · 11/01/2023 18:15

His choice.

  1. condoms
  2. the snip
  3. no Sex

its down to him. You’ve borne 4 kids, his turn for minor discomfort.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 11/01/2023 18:17

SeenAndNot · 11/01/2023 18:15

His choice.

  1. condoms
  2. the snip
  3. no Sex

its down to him. You’ve borne 4 kids, his turn for minor discomfort.

This!

I've said the same to my husband

SirMingeALot · 11/01/2023 18:18

He won't even use condoms? Fucking hell. That sort of selfishness would murder my libido.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 11/01/2023 18:24

You didn't say what his proposals are for dealing with this OP?

Clearly a number of the usual options don't work for you, he doesn't want to use condoms and presumably he wouldn't enjoy a completely sexless marriage, so what does he think the answer is?