DH doesn't want a vasectomy

[rollitagain]

DH and I have been together for 25 years, 4 children, he is 49.

Recently the topic of him having a vasectomy has come up. I am still having regular periods and only had my last baby 6 months ago (she wasn't exactly planned). I have had the implant but it made me really unwell (fell pregnant after it was taken out), had the coil and that didn't work out for me either, I tried countless contraceptive pills and they all did something negative to my body, from migraines, nausea to mood swings so bad I couldn't deal with me, so it's fair to say, I've done my bit in trying to not have anymore children, so now, it just leaves him to either wear a condom, which he is not prepared to do, or have a vasectomy.

AIBU to want him to have this procedure?

It can be done hysteroscopically with local anaesthetic. So no need to enter the abdominal cavity.

Worth repeating. There's been a few studies that have shown gender and race bias in the treatment of post op pain, back pain and chronic pain, showing men were generally prescribed higher levels of pain relief for the same conditions with comparable levels of reported pain. I've seen many times on here women having debilitating period pain and essentially being told to suck it up by GP.

I do believe it's 100% his choice, but OP is allowed to feel how she feels about this choice including let down and hurt when she's put her body through so much and he doesn't even want to wear a condom. He's not much of a partner if he expects OP to go on risking conception because he doesn't want to wear a condom.

Life doesn’t always turn out as you hope it will and I would never expect any man to make such a life changing decision.

Please explain how you tie/clip the fallopian tubes which sit in the abdominal cavity without entering the abdominal cavity? 😂

are you under the assumption that the scopes don’t penetrate skin, fat, three muscle layers and the peritoneum to get there?

if so, you’re wrong

So what’s your solution/advice for the OP? It’s unclear

you’ve certainly not bothered to comment on whether you expect a woman to make such a life changing decision. That’s obviously not something you’ve chosen to consider.

He's got 4 kids already. Even if they do split up and he meets another woman, how about prioritising his time, resources and attention on the kids he's already got. Rather than working out how he can make sure he's able to have kid number 5 at 50+ years old 🙄

No you are wrong

www.hcahealthcare.co.uk/our-services/treatments/hysteroscopic-sterilisation

Hysteroscopic sterilisation is usually done under local anaesthetic, which numbs the area to block any pain while the inserts are fitted. The procedure itself takes around ten minutes. Your consultant will place the inserts into each fallopian tube with the help with a thin, flexible telescope called a hysteroscope.

The hysteroscope is gently guided through your vagina and cervix and into your uterus — so there are no cuts or scars to worry about.

if My DH had not chosen a vasectomy I would have lost a great deal of respect for him. Women deal with much more risk for much more time for birth control plus pregnancy.

if you are done having children, I would just stop having piv sex with your DH as long as he remains fertile or until such time as you are 100% certain you are no longer fertile. It’s frustrating, but he doesn’t leave much choice.

Well obviously the women is expected to risk maternal death never mind the other life changing injuries or regular headaches, nausea and mood swings, until she is no longer fertile just in case her husband wants to leave her and get another woman pregnant apparently 🙄

And of course is she does stop having sex with him because he's refusing contraception then he will probably blame it on her if he leaves because she wouldn't have sex with him any more

Apologies I’ve re-read your post and engaged my brain

yes it can be done via hysteroscopic inserts. There’s very limited longitudinal outcome data though.

and it’s still another invasive procedure for the OP who had not previously responded well to invasive procedures

why do you consider contraception to be her responsibility?

Was thinking the same

Oh, a similar level of side affects I had after a miscarriage that needed surgical management and then a follow up procedure to remove retained tissue

Yep cross post -apologies - do you have the longitudinal data on safety and side effects please

especially comparative data to vasectomy risks

He is very selfish. Don't have sex with him

Wtf ?

I don’t. But I do take issue with sterilisation being described as “major abdominal surgery’ when in reality it’s minor surgery compared with any other abdominal surgery. On the last thread of this kind a poster said she’d been sterilised and felt very little discomfort after it.

I never really understand the resistance of older men to get a vasectomy.
It a minor procedure that takes barely 15min and is of less discomfort than having a tooth removed.
Personally for me it was a no brained, we didn't want more children, DW didn't want to take hormonal contraception, spontaneous sex without condoms is more pleasant.
He flat refusal without any consideration, investigation or consultation shows he's not invested in a mutually acceptable resolution.
He thinks it's your issue to deal with.
Buy some condoms and wait for him to come round. No jacket, no entry!

Ok so you’re objecting to terminology (and FWIW tubal ligation which is still commonly performed is major abdominal surgery) because it doesn’t apply to a specific subset of surgery that you are thinking of, but you can’t provide any data or outcomes for.

ok, thanks, super helpful.

Don't forget the fact that one woman on MN said she had very little discomfort afterwards, so I mean that's all the data medicine needs for women right?

@KimberleyClark
hysteroscopic versus laparoscopic sterilisation
”Both procedures have risks and benefits; thus, an intrauterine device or vasectomy may represent the best choices for long-term contraception.”

www.jwatch.org/na45959/2018/01/23/weighing-options-tubal-sterilization-hysteroscopic-or

no need for passive aggressive piss take . It’s not top trumps of who’s got it worse

I’m pointing that it’s not as risk free as people think

Apologies, I didn’t intend it that way. It sounds shitty.

i agree that it’s not risk free, but then no surgical procedure is.
that’s why people sign consent forms

My point is there are also plenty of posters telling the OP to just get sterilised. A procedure with inherently more risks. How is that a ‘solution’

I said the same re: op would like to continue to have sex and got told that the alternative is invasive surgery and that men should take responsibility after 50 years of fuck all 🙃

What's your magical solution @Bintymcbintface

We have 7 children.

I've had a vasectomy 5 years ago.

So I sit here with my right ball aching, like a permanent mild toothache, as it has done ever since. There is no cure. Is it annoying? Yes. Do I regret it? No, Would I get it done again? Probably.

So vasectomy is not 'risk free' as some people have claimed, but on balance it's probably the least risk of the available options of permanent contraception.

Both the OP and her Husband are right in a way. It is completely reasonable for her to ask the question, equally reasonable for him to say know, and consequently if he refuses to use a condom, perfectly reasonable to insist on abstinence until a solution / compromise can be met.