Page 7 | To not understand why people turn off read receipts on WhatsApp

Bbq1 · 2023-01-08T11:10:16+00:00

I use WhatsApp to chat with friends and family but more often than not, to make actual plans. A friend and couple of family members have started to turn off read receipts. It's so frustrating because if we make plans via WhatsApp and then say we arrange a time to meet, I just have to assume that they have read the message as it appears unread. I don't get all the secrecy as these are family members and friends. It started with them disabling the last seen feature and has graduated to this. Aibu and I should just assume plans are firm whether I hear back or not?

Puppers · 08/01/2023 14:05

Gwenhwyfar · 08/01/2023 13:56

"It's not the blue ticks, it's the fact they haven't replied to your message."

No! I keep telling you that I do not need a reply. I'm not asking a question, I'm giving an update. I don't need an answer to a question I just need to know the person has seen it.

"If they don't reply to your messages and you hate the thought of phoning them you may want to just end the relationship tbh!"

What?? I can't have friends of acquaintances because I don't want to call them!
I'm talking people who have smart phones and who are not over 80. They should be able to use Whatsapp. If I'm with a group of friends and informing the late person where we are, I shouldn't have to move away from the table to start making phone calls FFS.

But in that case, wouldn't the onus be on the late person to check their phone because they are the one who needs the info? And if they don't receive the message then it's on them to call or text you to follow up. You don't need to baby them by knowing whether they're on their phone or not.

If it's a different scenario where it's the sender who needs to know the message has been received because they need something, then the onus is on them to make contact in another way. It's not on the recipient to use their phone in a way that suits the sender.

Puppers · 08/01/2023 14:26

Gwenhwyfar · 08/01/2023 14:03

"f it's vital that someone receives a piece of information from you then you need to give it face to face or verbally. "

Oh dear. It may not be vital in terms of life and death, but it may be important such as 'we're meeting at y instead of x'.

"If it's not vital then you need to stop feeling so entitled to people's attention or a response on your terms."

The information is often for the other person's own benefit so it's not the person sending the message who's being entitled, is it? If a friend is late and needs to know where we are, I'm letting them know for their own sake, not mine.
The person receiving the message needs to be polite enough to confirm receipt and the easiest way to do this is the blue ticks.

Oh dear? 😅

If it's for the recipient's benefit then you make a judgement call don't you? If time is of the essence and/or they're not expecting the message then you call them because the blue ticks aren't actually an indication that the message has been read anyway, only opened (possibly in error). If you are changing the arrangements at short notice then the onus would be on you to contact them properly with a call. If they are late then they should be expecting the communication and the onus is on them to make sure they see the message. If it's not an important message then they'll pick it up and deal with it in their own time. Regardless, people can use their own phones how they like.

Spiralleddown · 08/01/2023 14:28

Because i don't like them and I'm allowed to turn them off if I want to

ThirtyThreeTrees · 08/01/2023 14:30

I turned them off because a lot of people are too demanding on time & attention these days and get demanding & upset if they don't get an immediate response.

I'll respond when it's convenient for me. A lot of people create an unnecessary sense of urgency that I no interest in.

Also, I used to get the occasional comment of who were you on WhatsApp to at 2am last night or you weren't on WhatsApp at all yesterday what were you doing? Life is too short to be dealing with that rubbish.

Eatingjumper · 08/01/2023 14:36

I can hear how frustrating and annoying this is for you. This person is using you as a pa then discarding you as soon as they have what they need - the state of their WhatsApp read/received is really neither here nor there. It's the fundamental lack of respect in the relationship. But the good news is it is completely fixable! Next time they ask you to organise, simply respond with Aunts contact details and wish them well with the visit. No more stress needed!

Original poster

Bbq1 · 08/01/2023 15:04

Eatingjumper · 08/01/2023 14:36

I can hear how frustrating and annoying this is for you. This person is using you as a pa then discarding you as soon as they have what they need - the state of their WhatsApp read/received is really neither here nor there. It's the fundamental lack of respect in the relationship. But the good news is it is completely fixable! Next time they ask you to organise, simply respond with Aunts contact details and wish them well with the visit. No more stress needed!

Thanks,. You're right. Will do!

OP posts:

LolaSmiles · 08/01/2023 15:08

The solution in your situation OP is that the people making arrangements to meet up need to grow up and make arrangements themselves instead of via third party on WhatsApp.

It doesn't have anything to do with read receipts. Your relatives needs to make their own plans.

kitsuneghost · 08/01/2023 15:47

How long after a message being read would you expect a response. If it is less than 3 days then maybe this is why they turn it off.

saraclara · 08/01/2023 15:55

Bbq1 · 08/01/2023 11:32

Thanks for the replies. I see now that it is 2 different issues. I'm not interested in stalking anyone, I'm not even on fb. These are people I see regularly. I jusr want some confirmation of plans. Trying not to out myself here but said family member asked if it was ok to visit my elderly Aunt on a set date and at a specific time. For some reason I am the go between and phone calls aren't actually made. I contact my Aunt and she says that's fine. I then return to asker and tell him that day and time is fine for Aunt. I don't receive any response other than 2 grey ticks. Maybe I'm just expected to expect that because he suggested the arrangements then it's confirmed?

In that situation I'd just call. If you need an immediate or close to immediate response, then messaging isn't the way to get it.

I find it briefly annoying when people don't respond quickly to messages, but then I give myself a shake. I'm retired and live alone so I can respond quickly. Those who don't respondpromptlyly to me have full time jobs and very young children. So I need to recognise that they might have time to quickly read my message, but not the time to put into a response (and might well get distracted and forget). If I need an answer and haven't got a response yet, I wait until I know they're likely to be home and the children in bed, and then I give them a quick (and apologetic) call

Gwenhwyfar · 08/01/2023 16:12

"But in that case, wouldn't the onus be on the late person to check their phone because they are the one who needs the info? And if they don't receive the message then it's on them to call or text you to follow up."

Yes, but the blue ticks avoid all that.

Gwenhwyfar · 08/01/2023 16:14

"In that situation I'd just call."

Why should she? She's doing this person a favour, why should it have to become a much bigger task for her?

Orangepolentacake · 08/01/2023 16:15

shrunkenhead · 08/01/2023 11:22

I think it's bit petty tbh. No one really cares who is/ isn't online or whether they've read/not read a message! I think some people actually think their lives and online status are of great interest to others and they're really not. Some people just like the "drama" of turning off the ticks.
People need to get over themselves.

Some people do care and make a huge song and dance if you don’t reply straight away if they see you’ve blue ticked or have been online. It’s a PITA, tbh.

Funkyblues101 · 08/01/2023 16:16

In the olden days, you wouldn't just leave a message on someone's answer machine or write them a letter and assume plans were fixed. You would phone them up (or they would reply to the letter). It's probably time to start dialling their number if you want a firm answer.

jennakitt · 08/01/2023 16:16

Some people expect you to reply almost instantaneously. It's not always possible to do that.

Gwenhwyfar · 08/01/2023 16:19

"the blue ticks aren't actually an indication that the message has been read anyway, only opened (possibly in error)"

In my life I can take the blue ticks as meaning the message has been read. Even if it's not 100% accurate, that has never been a problem for me so no, I'm not going to call people even if I get blue ticks.

"If you are changing the arrangements at short notice then the onus would be on you to contact them properly with a call."

No, if place 1 is too busy or whatever, it's not my 'fault' and I don't have to call. Also, there may be a few people involved and I can't be expected to call them all. If the meetup has been organised by WA, people know any changes will be communicated on WA as well.

Gwenhwyfar · 08/01/2023 16:20

Funkyblues101 · 08/01/2023 16:16

In the olden days, you wouldn't just leave a message on someone's answer machine or write them a letter and assume plans were fixed. You would phone them up (or they would reply to the letter). It's probably time to start dialling their number if you want a firm answer.

It's not the olden days FFS!

funinthesun19 · 08/01/2023 16:21

Some people just like the "drama" of turning off the ticks.
People need to get over themselves.

Actually, I like the PEACE of knowing I can reply to people when I want to. No drama involved. If it’s something small like confirming arrangements then I will respond straight away. But if it’s something that takes a bit of thought and sometimes I don’t really know what to say e.g a friend is telling me her and a her boyfriend have fallen out, then I don’t always want to stop what I’m doing and spend the next hour messaging about that. Particularly if I’m out.

DottyLittleRainbow · 08/01/2023 16:31

Read receipts are intrusive and one of my biggest hates. For example, I work shifts in a hospital. If I have a message I’ll check it (in case kids school, family emergency etc) but if it’s not urgent I’ll not reply until after I’m home - after 8.30-9pm or perhaps the next morning. Triaging my messages like this is totally reasonable - but some people think it’s not, for no reason other than technology has made people impatient for more info and quicker responses than are necessary. I had to turn them off after being accused of ignoring people whilst simply at work. I’ve also been asked by someone in an accusatory way why they don’t get blue ticks from my messages as if it’s some kind of conspiracy/rudeness.

15-20yr ago you wouldn’t be expected to access or answer a voicemail while not at home…

Hadjab · 08/01/2023 16:39

I don’t respond immediately - I can go 24 hrs and she’ll keep messaging until I do.

FatGirlSwim · 08/01/2023 16:48

Puppers · 08/01/2023 13:59

If it's vital that someone receives a piece of information from you then you need to give it face to face or verbally. If it's not vital then you need to stop feeling so entitled to people's attention or a response on your terms.

Show quote history

So do I have to communicate on their terms?

FatGirlSwim · 08/01/2023 16:49

Lots of people don’t do phone calls. Isn’t a phone call more intrusive anyway?

FatGirlSwim · 08/01/2023 16:51

I’m not entitled to their attention. I’m not demanding a response. I just don’t want to engage in the mind games involved in hiding whether the message has been read or not.

Kazzyhoward · 08/01/2023 16:57

FatGirlSwim · 08/01/2023 16:51

I’m not entitled to their attention. I’m not demanding a response. I just don’t want to engage in the mind games involved in hiding whether the message has been read or not.

You're over-thinking and over-demanding. The tick or lack of it means absolutely nothing. A tick isn't an acceptance or an agreement - it's meaningless. You're sound like the type of person who makes a big deal of it, which is exactly why people have started to disable it.

Antst · 08/01/2023 16:58

@FatGirlSwim, you're not listening. A read receipt means zero. It could mean that someone has clicked to read an urgent work or other message and had to click away from your message to do so. It could (and often does) mean that someone has briefly checked your message but is at work or on the bus or whatever and has no way to deal with it until later on.

The way to know that someone is doing as you've asked is the same as it ever has been. Wait until you've heard back.

If people are not replying and not replying and end up flaking, you know not to invite them anywhere again or not to make arrangements with them. Fixating on read receipts makes no sense.

Oher · 08/01/2023 17:01

YABVU.

They can’t keep read receipts turned on for you but off for work colleagues / vague acquaintances.

Some people if they see a ‘read receipt’ on their message but don’t get a reply, instantly become offended and get worked up / moany about it. While you I am sure would never dream fo doing that, many people do that, so it’s wise to turn the receipts off.

I’ve got my receipts off because I think it’s an invasion of my privacy to tell everyone in my contacts list when I may or may not be on my phone. Plus sometimes at home I leave wattsapp open and phone unlocked but am not actually seeing the mesaages cos eg I’m off having shower / doing housework and I don’t want wattsapp telling everyone I’ve seen messages that I haven’t actually seen.

If you want ‘firm’ plans then PHONE and actually SPEAK to the person. If you assume plans are firm when you’ve had no answer then you’ll be disappointed very often.