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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not understand why people turn off read receipts on WhatsApp

235 replies

Bbq1 · 08/01/2023 11:10

I use WhatsApp to chat with friends and family but more often than not, to make actual plans. A friend and couple of family members have started to turn off read receipts. It's so frustrating because if we make plans via WhatsApp and then say we arrange a time to meet, I just have to assume that they have read the message as it appears unread. I don't get all the secrecy as these are family members and friends. It started with them disabling the last seen feature and has graduated to this. Aibu and I should just assume plans are firm whether I hear back or not?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bbq1 · 08/01/2023 13:18

Antst · 08/01/2023 11:54

Yes, you are being unreasonable. People turn off their read receipts because they don't want to feel monitored. I'll often be out and about or working when a message pops up and I don't want the person who has sent the message expecting that I'm getting busy immediately with whatever they want.

Also, sometimes I'll read messages at weird times. If it's 3 am and I'm checking messages, I don't want people seeing that and judging it or mentioning it in the wrong company. Same if it's during work hours or when I'm meant to be focusing on someone's husband's speech or concert or whatever.

Honestly, I get the strong impression that you're seeing a flurry of switching off because you're pressuring people.

Actually, no. Far from it. It only relates to 3 people. They include the person who contacted ME asking me to arrange the meet up for him. When my message shows 2 grey ticks I don't contact them any more than I would have done if they had read receipt switched on. I haven't responded to male relative not responding to me okaying HIS plans that HE suggested. Prob won't contact him now for catch up for at least a week or two as usual. No pressure from me whatsoever. Also pp's have taught me something new- read receipt will be disabled for every contact not just me.

OP posts:
Antst · 08/01/2023 13:20

@Bbq1, honestly that sounds nuts. A read receipt means nothing. I've already explained why. What matters is a response. If people are not responding, then stop inviting them to do things and make arrangements as though they said "no."

Soakitup37 · 08/01/2023 13:20

You can now turn off your “online” status. Which I have done. I like being able to be incognito online - as pp said I feel watched and if I’m online at strange times (which I am with a baby) I want to keep that to myself

blue ticks also play havoc in the dating world of they’ve left me on read! Why!? Redic.

Original poster
Bbq1 · 08/01/2023 13:24

starfishmummy · 08/01/2023 12:55

It's so frustrating because if we make plans via WhatsApp and then say we arrange a time to meet, I just have to assume that they have read the message as it appears unread

You know, you could just actually speak to them to make arrangements.

Why should I when they approached me, I am not involved in the meet up and elderly aunt is asking me if it's still happening!

OP posts:
Leadbridge · 08/01/2023 13:28

I guess it only takes one person who WA you and expects an immediate response when they see the two blue ticks to make you turn it off.

I haven't turned mine off but FIL (and to a lesser extent MIL) are relentless in demanding immediate/quick response to trivial matters, even during the working day, from DH. If he doesn't answer their text/email within an hour or so the phone calls start, alternating between phones, until they get an answer...the final stage is they just turn up at the door (he works from home a lot of the time). Thankfully, they don't use WA too but if they did...DH would definitely turn off the read notification.

NuffSaidSam · 08/01/2023 13:29

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 08/01/2023 12:05

My dh does this due to some tin foil hat nonsense somewhere in his brain.
It means in reality that if I am out and message him, I never know whether he has got the message. Can you pick up child 2 at 12? Who the fuck knows. We both arrive, me cos he has not responded, him because he had got the message.

But the problem isn't the blue ticks, it's his inability to reply to a message.

butterfliedtwo · 08/01/2023 13:30

LindorDoubleChoc · 08/01/2023 11:27

Yabu to not understand. We have enough threads on here from people who get arsey when their friend / boyfriend hasn't replied to a message within 15 seconds.

This..

Confirming plans is a different issue.

NuffSaidSam · 08/01/2023 13:31

Gwenhwyfar · 08/01/2023 12:01

Um, the whole point of WA is not to have to phone for every small thing. Until recently I was paying per call, why the hell do I have to pay to talk to someone because they don't want blue ticks?

Show quote history

It's not the blue ticks, it's the fact they haven't replied to your message.

If they don't reply to your messages and you hate the thought of phoning them you may want to just end the relationship tbh! I don't think blue ticks are the issue there.

HyggeTygge · 08/01/2023 13:33

It's annoying OP but there is simple solution. Just include the sentence "if I don't hear back from you I'll assume it's a no in every request.
Maybe with a nice emoji.

JellyBeanFactory · 08/01/2023 13:35

I'm going against the grain and majority here!
I use WhatsApp as a "live" conversation, so if I ask "are you ok with 11 tomorrow?" And I see that's been read, I would expect an immediate reply. If I was face to face with that person and asked them the same, I'd be pretty pissed off if they totally ignored me.

If someone WA me and I don't want to/can't engage at the time, I'll reply and say that "sorry Mum/Dad etc. busy, that's sounds ok but will chat properly tonight". It's just polite to reply as soon as you've heard/read the Q.

pompomdaisy · 08/01/2023 13:35

I turn off read receipts so that this pain in the ass woman that insists on WhatsApping me does badger me! Maybe you are the pain in the ass woman too!

FabFitFifties · 08/01/2023 13:40

I'd like to know how to do it actually

FatGirlSwim · 08/01/2023 13:41

I hate it and this sounds extreme but it makes me not trust people. I generally don’t have people on WhatsApp who do this. Because it makes me feel weird, I can’t tell whether they have the information I needed to give them, and I feel like they’re game playing.

FatGirlSwim · 08/01/2023 13:43

I do know people who do it because of their own anxiety - they do it to stop themselves obsessing about who has / hasn’t seen a message / how long people take to reply

Original poster
Bbq1 · 08/01/2023 13:44

pompomdaisy · 08/01/2023 13:35

I turn off read receipts so that this pain in the ass woman that insists on WhatsApping me does badger me! Maybe you are the pain in the ass woman too!

I've explained countless times that the person in question contacted ME so if anyone is doing the badgering it's not me... If it is you then please stop being rude. If you've read the messages regarding the plans you asked me to make on your belalf Just reply with a bald okay. Oh and I'm not arranging your social calls any more...

OP posts:
Leadbridge · 08/01/2023 13:45

That's not always possible though - you may be getting into your car, slightly late pushing it a bit, and a message pings though have a quick glance realise it can wait for for x minutes and off you go. Get to wherever you're going/get distracted and then don't reply for a few hours. Alternatively you've just read it/half read it and then someone starts talking to you in person so you talk to them and then get distracted with something else. Just because you've opened it and quickly read it doesn't mean you have the time or it is appropriate to reply straight away.

SproutsLCerVEGNoEgg · 08/01/2023 13:50

bloodywhitecat · 08/01/2023 11:21

I only wanted to turn them off for one person because that person uses it to track when I am online and, quite frankly, it is none of their business but it appears to have turned them off for all chats.

@bloodywhitecat I would like to be able to choose who to turn them
off for!!

I have a couple of people that get the hump if I've 'been online' Ad not chatted to them.

just because I've got 30 seconds to read a message, it doesn't mean I've got time to sit & chat.🙄🙄

Puppers · 08/01/2023 13:55

JellyBeanFactory · 08/01/2023 13:35

I'm going against the grain and majority here!
I use WhatsApp as a "live" conversation, so if I ask "are you ok with 11 tomorrow?" And I see that's been read, I would expect an immediate reply. If I was face to face with that person and asked them the same, I'd be pretty pissed off if they totally ignored me.

If someone WA me and I don't want to/can't engage at the time, I'll reply and say that "sorry Mum/Dad etc. busy, that's sounds ok but will chat properly tonight". It's just polite to reply as soon as you've heard/read the Q.

It's not face to face contact. Just because you like to treat it as a real-time conversation that doesn't mean that others do and it doesn't mean they are rude. This is exactly the kind of entitled attitude that makes people turn read receipts off. You are not entitled to dictate how people use their phones.

Gwenhwyfar · 08/01/2023 13:56

"It's not the blue ticks, it's the fact they haven't replied to your message."

No! I keep telling you that I do not need a reply. I'm not asking a question, I'm giving an update. I don't need an answer to a question I just need to know the person has seen it.

"If they don't reply to your messages and you hate the thought of phoning them you may want to just end the relationship tbh!"

What?? I can't have friends of acquaintances because I don't want to call them!
I'm talking people who have smart phones and who are not over 80. They should be able to use Whatsapp. If I'm with a group of friends and informing the late person where we are, I shouldn't have to move away from the table to start making phone calls FFS.

poopykins · 08/01/2023 13:57

shrunkenhead · 08/01/2023 11:22

I think it's bit petty tbh. No one really cares who is/ isn't online or whether they've read/not read a message! I think some people actually think their lives and online status are of great interest to others and they're really not. Some people just like the "drama" of turning off the ticks.
People need to get over themselves.

What drama?? 😂

People do it so they're not obliged to reply immediately. You think that's drama? You must be easily amused.

MrsRinaDecker · 08/01/2023 13:57

My Ds1 has a rocky relationship with his dad. He turned off the blue ticks because he didn’t want that one person to have read receipts / know when he was online, but you can only have the feature on or off, not choose for specific people.

HyggeTygge · 08/01/2023 13:58

JellyBeanFactory · 08/01/2023 13:35

I'm going against the grain and majority here!
I use WhatsApp as a "live" conversation, so if I ask "are you ok with 11 tomorrow?" And I see that's been read, I would expect an immediate reply. If I was face to face with that person and asked them the same, I'd be pretty pissed off if they totally ignored me.

If someone WA me and I don't want to/can't engage at the time, I'll reply and say that "sorry Mum/Dad etc. busy, that's sounds ok but will chat properly tonight". It's just polite to reply as soon as you've heard/read the Q.

I do to some extent but if they ask are you free, and I'm in the shower, then need to ask DH his plans or sort out when the car willbe back from MOT or childcare, I'll just wait until I have a definite answer.

Puppers · 08/01/2023 13:59

FatGirlSwim · 08/01/2023 13:41

I hate it and this sounds extreme but it makes me not trust people. I generally don’t have people on WhatsApp who do this. Because it makes me feel weird, I can’t tell whether they have the information I needed to give them, and I feel like they’re game playing.

If it's vital that someone receives a piece of information from you then you need to give it face to face or verbally. If it's not vital then you need to stop feeling so entitled to people's attention or a response on your terms.

PMAmostofthetime · 08/01/2023 14:01

Bbq1 · 08/01/2023 11:10

I use WhatsApp to chat with friends and family but more often than not, to make actual plans. A friend and couple of family members have started to turn off read receipts. It's so frustrating because if we make plans via WhatsApp and then say we arrange a time to meet, I just have to assume that they have read the message as it appears unread. I don't get all the secrecy as these are family members and friends. It started with them disabling the last seen feature and has graduated to this. Aibu and I should just assume plans are firm whether I hear back or not?

Because you can't just tune them off for individual people it's all or none x

Gwenhwyfar · 08/01/2023 14:03

"f it's vital that someone receives a piece of information from you then you need to give it face to face or verbally. "

Oh dear. It may not be vital in terms of life and death, but it may be important such as 'we're meeting at y instead of x'.

"If it's not vital then you need to stop feeling so entitled to people's attention or a response on your terms."

The information is often for the other person's own benefit so it's not the person sending the message who's being entitled, is it? If a friend is late and needs to know where we are, I'm letting them know for their own sake, not mine.
The person receiving the message needs to be polite enough to confirm receipt and the easiest way to do this is the blue ticks.