To not understand why people turn off read receipts on WhatsApp

[Bbq1]

I use WhatsApp to chat with friends and family but more often than not, to make actual plans. A friend and couple of family members have started to turn off read receipts. It's so frustrating because if we make plans via WhatsApp and then say we arrange a time to meet, I just have to assume that they have read the message as it appears unread. I don't get all the secrecy as these are family members and friends. It started with them disabling the last seen feature and has graduated to this. Aibu and I should just assume plans are firm whether I hear back or not?

@Spaghetti201 I think you can’t if it’s switched off.

Yes you can. Swipe right and you will see 2 green ticks and “seen”

Other types of phone contract are available you know, amazing as it may seem not everyone in the world has unlimited calls 😁

I'd actually like the option to turn off read receipts on other people's messages. I'm not a particularly anxious person, but one thing I do sometimes get irrationally worried about is whether I've upset or annoyed someone somehow. I've always done this to some extent but its definitely worse in the age of blue ticks and other message read notifications. I know a couple of other people who say the same thing about it. I don't think it's good for our mental health to have such a constant line into other people's lives and heads - or for other people to have one into ours.

"You don't pay its all included in your phone package.
Unlimited Calls and Texts."

I was pay as you go and did have to pay.
In any case, it's the time as well. Why should I chase after people? Either switch on the blue ticks or answer (no answer required for those who haven't switched off the blue ticks and I'm just passing on information).

I also have a couple of friends who are stingy and switch off their data so they'll start a conversation on WA and then go off it to save data and I have to guess that they're not online and switch to texting. I find that pretty selfish as well. If you're going to use WA, leave it on when you're meeting friends.

This is why I do it, but I’d always confirm plans - and expect anyone else to, whether they appear to have read it or not.

@Spaghetti201 you can't if it's turned off with individuals. Only on group chats can you see if they're read it even if it's turned off.

Not true.

It is when you’re making plans with people.

You say this, but I have a friend who literally bombards me with messages the minute she sees I’m on WhatsApp, like clockwork. It’s almost as though she sits there waiting for me. Then she wants to have a full on, inane conversation, but won’t call. It does my head in, so I’ve switched off Last Seen and read receipts.

Some people are avoidant / passive aggressive. They're not good with boundaries so lack the capacity to just respond directly or say ignore it until not busy.

It's not a good trait and tends to filter into other areas.

Sorry meant swipe left!

If you just didn't respond quickly it would train her to stop doing it.

I loathe the intrusive nature of social media and networking, and the expectations placed on us by it. I won't have it. If someone wants to communicate something to me there are various channels open for them to do that - text, whatsapp, phone call etc. If I want to reply I will do so, if and when I feel like it.

I don't understand the problem about confirming plans. Plans are confirmed when they're explicitly confirmed, not before. If you message someone and say "hey, let's all meet for coffee this afternoon. My place at 3?", then that plan is confirmed if and when they message you back to agree. If you don't hear anything from them, you assume the plan isn't going ahead.

That's always been the case whether communicating face to face, by snail mail, email or instant messaging. Nobody is expected to be part of a plan until they've confirmed their participation. I don't understand how the communication medium somehow changes this.

It's so frustrating because if we make plans via WhatsApp and then say we arrange a time to meet, I just have to assume that they have read the message as it appears unread

You know, you could just actually speak to them to make arrangements.

YABU to expect everyone to want to do things your way. There could be lots of reasons but I'd assume the biggest reason is they prefer time to think about something and not feel pressured to respond immediately after reading.
Texting is a relatively new form of communication and agreed 'standard norms' are yet to be established.
Personally unless I was having a live conversation (so answering on receipt back and forth) I wouldnt necessarily assume something had been finalised eg if someone just said "Let's go for Saturday then, 7:30 Dog & Duck"....unless I'd got back and said OK, thats just a suggestion. I might take a day to get back whilst I check out what husbands doing and if Sally will work the late shift for me. I'm not putting that in a text.
If you need immediate answers there's always a phone call.

Sometimes I have time to read, but no time to reply. People get so offended and don’t realise that I work a 70 hour week and don’t have the bandwidth to check my diary that instant.

😂 me too!! Hopefully in a future update this will a functionality!

No, it's not.

Besides, even if a message is showing as seen, it doesn't mean the person has actually read it.

Exactly this!! Drives me mad

Ignoring all the very valid reasons why people don't turn on read receipts, it's baffling to me that someone could be annoyed and think it's a power play for someone to not have read receipts activated for privacy and convenience (as they are entitled to do) but simultaneously think they are entitled to know whether another adult - someone who is not under their control - has picked up their phone and read a message. It says something about the way that these people operate. I think this is what my mother would probably say. In reality she is very controlling and attempts to treat her adult children as though we are all still 8, which is why we do things like turn our read receipts off so she has one less window into our lives to attempt to control.

Ha, you're very optimistic about how trainable people like that are!!!

have not RTFT. But i can imagine it's because of the verging-on-batshit people who are constantly "but you read it a nanosecond ago WHY DIDN'T YOU ANSWER, YOU MUST HATE ME"

Too many people demand a quick response when they know their message has been read. If my receipts are turned off, people don’t know if I’m in the cinema or working or just busy. The reply is sent when I have a moment to do it. It puts me in control of my own phone, which is how it should be.

However, people should be replying to confirm plans. If they don’t, I’d never assume the plans are on as a default. Why would you? The plans are agreed when people confirm. Stop confirming things for people who don’t bother to reply and perhaps they’ll reply if they know they’ll miss out.

The problem isn't switching off read receipts, which is completely normal and understandable (people don't want to feel watched). It's that your friends are too socially inept to respond to invitations.

This may not be a popular comment but (as someone with dual citizenship who only moved back to the UK shortly before the pandemic), this is a British thing.

I have learned that if I've organized something and people can't even be bothered to respond, often because they're obnoxious and selfish enough to want to keep their options open regardless of the inconvenience it causes me, then I don't invite them anywhere again. You'll get the typical British "but I'm depressed, why does no one love me" lamentations and drama, but ignore it. These are adults and you're not their mother.

Your problem is not the read receipts, it's not hearing "yes I'm coming." In future, when issuing invitations, always say something like, "let me know by Wednesday at 5 pm if you want to come because then I'll make arrangements and it'll be too late to add anyone." You're better off without these friends if they can't respect you enough to respond to invitations.