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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I right to report this man?

202 replies

Aceofbase00 · 04/01/2023 15:12

It's a community based role, and I was helping a male in his early 70s to get dressed. I know he has full mental capacity and doesn't have Alzheimer's/dementia.
Once when I went to his house there was porn playing on a computer in the background.
Anyway I went yesterday and I saw him fixated on my chest whilst I was getting him ready. It was annoying but I just tried to get him ready as quick as I could.
He was still looking. Then he said, "wow, nice top."
I looked down and saw my button had popped open, revealing my bra. I quickly fastened it and he said, "Oh you don't need to do that, I don't get a lot of excitement at the minute." He kept staring at me.
I felt so embarrassed and wish I had said something to him at the time. I just left pretty much after that as soon as possible, and reported it to my manager who said they'd have a word.
I understand he is lonely, but it wasn't appropriate at all for him to comment like that. What would you have done?

OP posts:
Supertatato · 04/01/2023 16:29

I swear mumsnet is getting worse. People will literally say anything just to cause an argument.

You absolutely did the right thing op.

UWhatNow · 04/01/2023 16:29

Dinoswearunderpants · 04/01/2023 16:24

You were exposing yourself to him (accidental or not, doesn't matter) and you reported him...

I personally think you're in the wrong here.

You are wrong.

mommatoone · 04/01/2023 16:33

@Dinoswearunderpants are you for real?.
Would you say the same to your daughter if she came home and told you this?
How dare you

SoupDragon · 04/01/2023 16:34

Dinoswearunderpants · 04/01/2023 16:24

You were exposing yourself to him (accidental or not, doesn't matter) and you reported him...

I personally think you're in the wrong here.

Don't be ridiculous!

MichelleScarn · 04/01/2023 16:35

Dinoswearunderpants · 04/01/2023 16:24

You were exposing yourself to him (accidental or not, doesn't matter) and you reported him...

I personally think you're in the wrong here.

What the actual fuck?!

iklboo · 04/01/2023 16:39

Dinoswearunderpants · 04/01/2023 16:24

You were exposing yourself to him (accidental or not, doesn't matter) and you reported him...

I personally think you're in the wrong here.

The actual fuck?

picklemewalnuts · 04/01/2023 16:40

Extraordinary set of replies here, justifying a man getting his rocks off and requiring a woman to just put up with it or indeed blame herself for it.

Patriarchy. Misogyny. Thick as shit.

Squabbledee · 04/01/2023 16:41

I had a man in his 80s try to kiss me & I was Shock wtf. I thought the sex drive would've well & truly gone by that age. It was a wake-up call. I don't take any shit & told him off.

RainbowConnection1 · 04/01/2023 16:42

I used to work for a care agency, though wasn't a carer myself. One day one of our caters came back to the office really upset because one of the men was sitting watching porn and wanking when she arrived. He knew a carer was due as his visits were always at the same time and had done it on purpose. The caters went in 2s after that as there were no make carers.

You did the right thing reporting him.

booboo82 · 04/01/2023 16:47

Yes well done for reporting , your manager should implement a behaviour chart asap and also should ensure carers are dressed appropriately for the job as having a top pop open is not appropriate, I suggest you order new uniform from work 👍

Greenfairydust · 04/01/2023 16:48

Some of these replies...I despair.

OP you were right to report the old pervert.

Totally inappropriate to have porn in the background, make comments about your appearance and leer at you.

You are there to do a caring job, not to be a sexual outlet for a dodgy man.

He should be looked after by male carers only if he thinks it is appropriate to harass female staff.

audweb · 04/01/2023 16:50

People do know some forms of dementia/Alzheimer’s result in sexually inappropriate behaviour? There’s no harm in reporting it in the sense that he might need a male carer, or two people instead of one, or just to be aware. But at the same time, I used to care for people whose behaviour was occasionally inappropriate due to their dementia or brain injury. I used to just make sure I was covered up and/or dealt with the behaviour there and then otherwise they wouldn’t necessarily remember it. Your management can hopefully support your with strategies to deal with this.

allboysherebutme · 04/01/2023 16:51

You did the right thing in reporting him, dirty ole bastard, if he's like that in his 70s dread to think what he was like when he was younger, creep. X

ChillysWaterBottle · 04/01/2023 16:55

Reporting him was 100% the right thing to do, please ignore the bored attention seekers.

Balalaika · 04/01/2023 16:56

@audweb People do know some forms of dementia/Alzheimer’s result in sexually inappropriate behaviour?

Can you not? Literally it's up there at the op SHE IS HIS CARER AND KNOWS HE HAS FULL MENTAL CAPACITY. Stop gaslighting her and minimising the behaviours of a perv when she's trying to do her job. Your example of someone somewhere who might be acting like this due to lack of mental capacity is NOT RELEVANT to the op. FFS

eastegg · 04/01/2023 16:57

BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 15:44

It's not "just like flashing" though. It's very, very, very different. If he were naked when OP walks in then that wouldn't be the same as him getting naked for her when she arrives - him watching porn when she happens to walk in doesn't equate to putting porn on for her and involving her in it.

Show quote history

‘Happens to walk in’?

I doubt very much OP bursts into her client’s’ private spaces unexpectedly. I’m guessing a doorbell or something similar is involved. Or, for those with mobility issues, calling out to let them know you’re coming in. It’s not rocket science is it, you switch the porn off when you know someone’s about to walk in.

EmmaDilemma5 · 04/01/2023 16:59

Unfortunately sexual predators and deviants get old too.

YANBU to report him. He's taking advantage of the situation. I would insist no woman is sent there again or that you double up.

I used to work in the industry and if someone reported something like this, the service would be withdrawn or carers would go in twos. We'd also report it to the social worker attached.

Balalaika · 04/01/2023 17:00

This reply has been deleted

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ILoveeCakes · 04/01/2023 17:02

He's old and ill - give him a break

orangelotus · 04/01/2023 17:02

Honestly you can see the people who have never done this type of job. Of course you did the right thing.
I know precisely this kind of person ( district nurse background) Just because people get old it doesn't make them harmless.
Carers are treated appallingly in my view .
Any thing like this needs to recorded and you definitely should not be going back there alone- if at all.
His GP needs to be informed as well in case he's on any drugs that can cause lack of inhibition and also so any other female staff going in there are protected.
I'm sorry this happened to you I know exactly what it's like

rwalker · 04/01/2023 17:04

Yes definitely report risk assessment going forward
but also one of the signs of frontal temprol dementia is lack of inhibition ,judgement on boundaries and appropriateness

BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 17:05

@eastegg and @Balalaika You're both making an assumption that may or may not be true. Just like any of OP's clients could make the incorrect assumption she's flashing them and report her on that assumption. Lots of people get in lots of unnecessary trouble - or, as is likely to happen in this case, result in their valid complaints being ignored because they're tied up with other less-valid complaints. OP should absolutely report for the things she knows he's done on purpose but (unless she feels it's fair to report her for what she's done by accident) she shouldn't report him for something that could be equally accidental. It's also not "rocket science" to do up a shirt.

dcut · 04/01/2023 17:05

Extraordinary set of replies here, justifying a man getting his rocks off and requiring a woman to just put up with it or indeed blame herself for it.

Patriarchy. Misogyny. Thick as shit.

Quite. It's getting ridiculous on here at the moment. I suspect a lot of posters are men trolling for kicks.

It's absolutely inappropriate for him to have porn playing on a screen when he knows a carer is coming. He is doing that deliberately. He could easily switch it off before she arrives if he's a half-decent human being.
What sort of world are we living in where posters on here think it's perfectly acceptable to do this and then make inappropriate comments to the carer?

OP did the right thing in reporting this.

ItsaMetalBand · 04/01/2023 17:05

ILoveeCakes · 04/01/2023 17:02

He's old and ill - give him a break

Then you sign up as a carer, take him on your roster of patients and he can wank into your face every day if you want to 'give him a break'

She's a carer, not a sex worker.

LlynTegid · 04/01/2023 17:07

I think you did the right thing. A dirty old man should not be excused.

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