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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I right to report this man?

202 replies

Aceofbase00 · 04/01/2023 15:12

It's a community based role, and I was helping a male in his early 70s to get dressed. I know he has full mental capacity and doesn't have Alzheimer's/dementia.
Once when I went to his house there was porn playing on a computer in the background.
Anyway I went yesterday and I saw him fixated on my chest whilst I was getting him ready. It was annoying but I just tried to get him ready as quick as I could.
He was still looking. Then he said, "wow, nice top."
I looked down and saw my button had popped open, revealing my bra. I quickly fastened it and he said, "Oh you don't need to do that, I don't get a lot of excitement at the minute." He kept staring at me.
I felt so embarrassed and wish I had said something to him at the time. I just left pretty much after that as soon as possible, and reported it to my manager who said they'd have a word.
I understand he is lonely, but it wasn't appropriate at all for him to comment like that. What would you have done?

OP posts:
HomeAGnome · 04/01/2023 15:14

I would have done the same as you. They should inform him that it's inappropriate behaviour and won't be tolerated

Clarinet1 · 04/01/2023 15:16

I would feel very uncomfortable if I were you! Unless this man’s mental state has changed from what you were originally told (which is possible) he is a creep. I would see whether it was possible for me to be assigned to someone else.

Original poster
Aceofbase00 · 04/01/2023 15:16

They said they'd phone him, hopefully it won't happen again. I felt so flustered and embarrassed, could feel my face going red, wish I had the courage to tell him where to go.

OP posts:
Blowyourowntrumpet · 04/01/2023 15:16

Bloody hell, you reported him? Seriously?

Original poster
Aceofbase00 · 04/01/2023 15:16

Should I not have reported? Why?

OP posts:
barneshome · 04/01/2023 15:16

FGS

Mydogisweird · 04/01/2023 15:17

Yes you were right, he sounds awful. Old age and loneliness is no excuse for men to behave this way (I know you’re not excusing him btw). Porn playing in the background is just horrible let alone the comments he made. I’d not want to go back there as he clearly has no respect for women and won’t change.

JustMerkinYourChain · 04/01/2023 15:18

You did the right thing.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/01/2023 15:18

Blowyourowntrumpet · 04/01/2023 15:16

Bloody hell, you reported him? Seriously?

You should report any incident like this. Could need risk assessment because he may have escalating behaviour.

A male carer would be much better.

Original poster
Aceofbase00 · 04/01/2023 15:19

Yes perhaps a male carer would be better, sadly I don't think we have any at the minute.

OP posts:
Ihatethenewlook · 04/01/2023 15:20

I think we have the same job and it’s up to you how you handle it tbh. You can request not to go to this service users house anymore, which isn’t unreasonable. It’s a request that shouldn’t be denied. I used to get this all the time with the company I worked for before. I was actually sent into the people that were known for aggression/sexual comments that other people couldn’t handle as it didn’t bother me (unless it turned seriously physical with someone like you described who was compos mentis). With the company I’m working for now they actively refuse to work with these sort of people. There was a vote recently whether the staff were willing to take on someone known for making sexual and racist comments, and while I voted yes the majority of people voted no and he wasn’t taken on. What was your reaction to
him when he made the comment? You can stamp that behaviour out pretty quickly with some people

Original poster
Aceofbase00 · 04/01/2023 15:21

Sadly I just froze really and got flustered. I should have told him there and then.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aceofbase00 · 04/01/2023 15:22

I requested not to go to another woman who's verbally abusive but they ignored that sadly. They usually say they're too 'short staffed"

OP posts:
BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 15:22

I don't think the porn thing is relevant - it's none of your business and actually very unprofessional and judgemental of you to disclose private things you've inadvertently seen in his home. The behaviour towards you is acceptable to report.

watcherintherye · 04/01/2023 15:23

Obviously not acceptable, and in the same position, I would have requested not to have him on my list again. On a more practical note, I don’t thing you’re dressed appropriately to do a carer’s job, if all it takes is one button popping open to reveal your bra! I would try and make sure you’re more suitably dressed for the role, in future.

Original poster
Aceofbase00 · 04/01/2023 15:23

So it's ok to have porn playing on a big screen when he knows carers are coming in? Really?

OP posts:
CoorieIn · 04/01/2023 15:25

I don't think the porn thing is relevant

It 100% is relevant, I'm assuming you don't work in that sector?

Balalaika · 04/01/2023 15:25

It's gross he knew you were coming and had porn playing.
You were right to report him.
People underestimate older people or those who are disabled. They sort of think of them as having no sex drive, can never be creepy or wrong, they think of them as angels totally innocent incapable of anything.

picklemewalnuts · 04/01/2023 15:25

It's completely relevant.

Ihatethenewlook · 04/01/2023 15:28

Aceofbase00 · 04/01/2023 15:22

I requested not to go to another woman who's verbally abusive but they ignored that sadly. They usually say they're too 'short staffed"

With these sort of jobs you need to be really thick skinned, and that’s with the management, not the service users. That’s literally why I changed companies. I got walked all over with my first one, after about 6 months I was getting anxiety and panic attacks and all sorts because of the management. By the time I tried to put my foot down they were used to treating me like shit like they did 90% of the staff and I ended up walking off shift one day and not going back. I felt I had to start fresh with a new company and put my foot down from the beginning, which was exactly what I did. These don’t even bother asking me to do something they know I won’t like now, as they know I’ll walk off shift again and they’ll be even more short staffed than they are now. Don’t ask them op, TELL them you are not doing his house calls.

RunningFromInsanity · 04/01/2023 15:29

First page and your clothing is being blamed.
Brilliant.

OdeToBarney · 04/01/2023 15:31

BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 15:22

I don't think the porn thing is relevant - it's none of your business and actually very unprofessional and judgemental of you to disclose private things you've inadvertently seen in his home. The behaviour towards you is acceptable to report.

It's sexual harassment, for which her employer could be liable. It's not acceptable.

StrawberryAnnie · 04/01/2023 15:31

You were not being unreasonable- what he said was inappropriate.

Having porn on the TV during a visit is also hugely inappropriate- good you have reported. Hopefully other carers will also be alerted of this in the future.

Sounds to me like he was testing boundaries.

Balalaika · 04/01/2023 15:31

Care agencies are the worst. They know who the difficult clients are and they tend to send you to them if you are new or easy going or they dislike you. They give the easier clients to the staff they favour or fancy.

ifchocolatewerecelery · 04/01/2023 15:32

I reported a male client once for similar behaviour and refused to do his visits again. I was lucky because I was the first to report it and so he was never put on my rota again. All the other female carers ended up spending several months with him on their rotas, often leaving feeling violated. The agency did eventually terminate the contract. We had another male client with LD whose behaviour was and it was very easy for any female carer to refuse to go again, mostly because he had a type and I wasn't it so didn't mind doing the calls.