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Original poster

Was I right to report this man?

202 replies

Aceofbase00 · 04/01/2023 15:12

It's a community based role, and I was helping a male in his early 70s to get dressed. I know he has full mental capacity and doesn't have Alzheimer's/dementia.
Once when I went to his house there was porn playing on a computer in the background.
Anyway I went yesterday and I saw him fixated on my chest whilst I was getting him ready. It was annoying but I just tried to get him ready as quick as I could.
He was still looking. Then he said, "wow, nice top."
I looked down and saw my button had popped open, revealing my bra. I quickly fastened it and he said, "Oh you don't need to do that, I don't get a lot of excitement at the minute." He kept staring at me.
I felt so embarrassed and wish I had said something to him at the time. I just left pretty much after that as soon as possible, and reported it to my manager who said they'd have a word.
I understand he is lonely, but it wasn't appropriate at all for him to comment like that. What would you have done?

OP posts:
KalvinPhillipsBoots · 04/01/2023 17:07

Aceofbase00 · 04/01/2023 15:16

Should I not have reported? Why?

There's a reason why you are his career, seriously toughen up and ignore, and no I do not think you should of reported him. You have come on a public forum discussing something something that should be confidential.

pinkyredrose · 04/01/2023 17:07

Blowyourowntrumpet · 04/01/2023 15:16

Bloody hell, you reported him? Seriously?

Why wouldn't she?

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 04/01/2023 17:09

CoorieIn · 04/01/2023 15:25

I don't think the porn thing is relevant

It 100% is relevant, I'm assuming you don't work in that sector?

No it's not relevant unless it was underage and clearly breaking the law.

ShrillBill · 04/01/2023 17:13

Sexual harassment can be a one-off incident or an ongoing pattern of behaviour.
Examples include:
displaying or sharing pornographic or sexual images

www.acas.org.uk/sexual-harassment

VillanellesCoat · 04/01/2023 17:17

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 04/01/2023 17:07

There's a reason why you are his career, seriously toughen up and ignore, and no I do not think you should of reported him. You have come on a public forum discussing something something that should be confidential.

Show quote history

Can you identify the individual the OP is referring to? If not, no confidence has been broken

MichelleScarn · 04/01/2023 17:19

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 04/01/2023 17:07

There's a reason why you are his career, seriously toughen up and ignore, and no I do not think you should of reported him. You have come on a public forum discussing something something that should be confidential.

Show quote history

Oh behave! Toughen up?! But in the next breath berate op for mentioning it? If its so harmless and nothing why the need to hide it.
I don't think the horrible posts should be deleted, let them stand so we know who sees women as service humans.

Bookkeys · 04/01/2023 17:19

What's the cut off age where you're no longer a pervert and just old and lonely?

Some of these comments are insane. Unless the person has a condition affecting their behaviour it's never acceptable no matter what age you are

catandcoffee · 04/01/2023 17:22

BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 15:22

I don't think the porn thing is relevant - it's none of your business and actually very unprofessional and judgemental of you to disclose private things you've inadvertently seen in his home. The behaviour towards you is acceptable to report.

Are you serious ?

You really think it's OK to have porn on when a female is coming to your home,to care for you ?

Anotherbloomingchristmas · 04/01/2023 17:26

ILoveeCakes · 04/01/2023 17:02

He's old and ill - give him a break

He's not too old to understand what he's up to. We have male friends in their 70's, they know exactly what is appropriate and what's not.

wednesdaybluesday · 04/01/2023 17:27

As someone who arranges carers for an elderly parent I think you did the right thing. Your manager should let his next of kin know what has gone on.

Unfortunately the care industry seems to be under staffed but you shouldn't have to be put in that sort of situation and others carers need to be aware of what could go on.

Most carers do a great job and are underpaid - I really couldn't do it myself.

catandcoffee · 04/01/2023 17:28

OP next time a man makes disgusting sexual remarks to you tell him he's a fucking disgrace and walk out.

If he's doing this at his age imagine what he was like when younger.

SpaceMonitor · 04/01/2023 17:30

Aceofbase00 · 04/01/2023 15:16

Should I not have reported? Why?

Of course you should have reported him. Some people have very low standards and excuse inappropriate behaviour from
men.

Trinity65 · 04/01/2023 17:32

You were right to report

However, the Ageism on here is Disgusting. Old Goat. Dirty old Git etc etc .

Chooksnroses · 04/01/2023 17:32

Balalaika · 04/01/2023 15:25

It's gross he knew you were coming and had porn playing.
You were right to report him.
People underestimate older people or those who are disabled. They sort of think of them as having no sex drive, can never be creepy or wrong, they think of them as angels totally innocent incapable of anything.

I agree. My husband is 78, disabled, and if I wasn't able to care for him, would have to have outside help. He would not use his age or disability to try to excuse this sort of behaviour. You should not have to put up with it.

rwalker · 04/01/2023 17:34

catandcoffee · 04/01/2023 17:28

OP next time a man makes disgusting sexual remarks to you tell him he's a fucking disgrace and walk out.

If he's doing this at his age imagine what he was like when younger.

No she need to report it and let the appropriate people deal
there is 2 options here

  1. dirty old man
  2. dementia related

it could well be ether but people with knowledge and experience better assessing than narrow minded keyboard warriors that can’t see past the end of there nose

ShrillBill · 04/01/2023 17:38

There's a third option, some meds can cause hypersexualised and inappropriate behaviour; but if thats the case OP needs to report it and the info needs to go back to his consultant.

DelphiniumBlue · 04/01/2023 17:41

BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 15:22

I don't think the porn thing is relevant - it's none of your business and actually very unprofessional and judgemental of you to disclose private things you've inadvertently seen in his home. The behaviour towards you is acceptable to report.

Of course it's relevant, why should OP have to put up with porn in her workplace? The client can watch what he wants but not when carers or anyone else doing their job comes round. It's deliberate - how hard is it to minimise a screen?
OP you are right to complain, I don't see why you or anyone else should have to put up with this.

FuckNuggets · 04/01/2023 17:43

Dinoswearunderpants · 04/01/2023 16:24

You were exposing yourself to him (accidental or not, doesn't matter) and you reported him...

I personally think you're in the wrong here.

With that attitude I do hope you wear a burka to work? Otherwise you'd be a hypocrite.

been and done it. · 04/01/2023 17:44

Aceofbase00 · 04/01/2023 15:23

So it's ok to have porn playing on a big screen when he knows carers are coming in? Really?

IMO no it's not appropriate it's both disrespectful and sleezy. On the premis that what he does in his house is OK he may as well be naked waltzing about throughout your visit.

FuckNuggets · 04/01/2023 17:45

ILoveeCakes · 04/01/2023 17:02

He's old and ill - give him a break

Early 70's isn't bloody old! My dad is 65 and is sprightly as I am in my forties!

FuckNuggets · 04/01/2023 17:46

There's a reason why you are his career, seriously toughen up and ignore, and no I do not think you should of reported him. You have come on a public forum discussing something something that should be confidential.

Is porn playing in the background a normal thing in your workplace?

ILoveeCakes · 04/01/2023 17:47

FuckNuggets · 04/01/2023 17:45

Early 70's isn't bloody old! My dad is 65 and is sprightly as I am in my forties!

Show quote history

What a stupid use of the standard "70 is not old" line. It depends on the person, doesn't it?

Or maybe you go over and tell him all about you're sprightly dad - see if that changes his need for care. Maybe you'll have him dancing jigs with your dad by the end of the day?

Give me strength...........

Snowpatrolling · 04/01/2023 17:47

I am a care supervisor and I deal with complaints like these, I would have been straight out supporting my staff member if this had happened.
porn on the tv you can’t do much about as it’s their home, you can ask for it to be turned off but if he won’t there’s not a lot you can do. How ever crude comments will be dealt with as we do t get paid enough for that shit.

Coxspurplepippin · 04/01/2023 17:52

picklemewalnuts · 04/01/2023 15:45

Nothing to suggest it's not, Bedford.

If he's turned it off when she arrived, I doubt she'd have complained.

Honestly you'd have to be stupid to believe men do this accidentally. At best, they don't t care. At worst, it's a deliberate choice.

Absolutely. It's not benign behaviour. Who keeps porn on in the background during a health visit - do you think he'd have done it for say, a male doctor? Don't think so. It's about belittling women, trying to scare and harass and disempower. Nasty behaviour.

MenaiMna · 04/01/2023 17:53

Aceofbase00 · 04/01/2023 15:23

So it's ok to have porn playing on a big screen when he knows carers are coming in? Really?

No it isn't ok, it's sexual harassment in your workplace. Say those words to employer when reporting, then if you're generous you might go back, if he apologises & promises to switch all that stuff off before his carer visits. At very least get the behaviour recorded. Creepy feckers getvoffvon this.

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