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Original poster

Was I right to report this man?

202 replies

Aceofbase00 · 04/01/2023 15:12

It's a community based role, and I was helping a male in his early 70s to get dressed. I know he has full mental capacity and doesn't have Alzheimer's/dementia.
Once when I went to his house there was porn playing on a computer in the background.
Anyway I went yesterday and I saw him fixated on my chest whilst I was getting him ready. It was annoying but I just tried to get him ready as quick as I could.
He was still looking. Then he said, "wow, nice top."
I looked down and saw my button had popped open, revealing my bra. I quickly fastened it and he said, "Oh you don't need to do that, I don't get a lot of excitement at the minute." He kept staring at me.
I felt so embarrassed and wish I had said something to him at the time. I just left pretty much after that as soon as possible, and reported it to my manager who said they'd have a word.
I understand he is lonely, but it wasn't appropriate at all for him to comment like that. What would you have done?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 04/01/2023 15:40

BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 15:22

I don't think the porn thing is relevant - it's none of your business and actually very unprofessional and judgemental of you to disclose private things you've inadvertently seen in his home. The behaviour towards you is acceptable to report.

It absolutely is relevant. Just like flashing, when men involve women in their sex lives without their prior consent it speaks to crossing boundaries. It's a step down a road. I've never seen a rapist's list of convictions without it starting with this kind of behaviour.

Red flags are there for a reason. Ignoring them is seen as an agreement. And escalation frequently follows.

BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 15:43

OdeToBarney · 04/01/2023 15:31

It's sexual harassment, for which her employer could be liable. It's not acceptable.

Show quote history

It's not sexual harassment for him to be watching porn in his own home when OP happens to arrive. It could be if he's putting it on because she's coming but there's absolutely nothing to suggest that's true.

HomeAGnome · 04/01/2023 15:44

Christ on a bike @BedfordBloo & @Blowyourowntrumpet have a look at yourselves

BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 15:44

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/01/2023 15:40

It absolutely is relevant. Just like flashing, when men involve women in their sex lives without their prior consent it speaks to crossing boundaries. It's a step down a road. I've never seen a rapist's list of convictions without it starting with this kind of behaviour.

Red flags are there for a reason. Ignoring them is seen as an agreement. And escalation frequently follows.

Show quote history

It's not "just like flashing" though. It's very, very, very different. If he were naked when OP walks in then that wouldn't be the same as him getting naked for her when she arrives - him watching porn when she happens to walk in doesn't equate to putting porn on for her and involving her in it.

Boopeedoop · 04/01/2023 15:45

You were absolutely correct to report him

You are entitled to feel safe in your place of work.

He is deliberately disrespecting you and trying to cause you alarm for his own entertainment. I've been there, and have been a carer for a sex offender.

Im so sorry this has happened to you. X PM me if you want to talk.

picklemewalnuts · 04/01/2023 15:45

Nothing to suggest it's not, Bedford.

If he's turned it off when she arrived, I doubt she'd have complained.

Honestly you'd have to be stupid to believe men do this accidentally. At best, they don't t care. At worst, it's a deliberate choice.

BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 15:46

picklemewalnuts · 04/01/2023 15:45

Nothing to suggest it's not, Bedford.

If he's turned it off when she arrived, I doubt she'd have complained.

Honestly you'd have to be stupid to believe men do this accidentally. At best, they don't t care. At worst, it's a deliberate choice.

That's not how accusations of harassment work

HeyBlaby · 04/01/2023 15:47

The company should ensure the visit is made by two carers each time going forwards, we had very similar in nursing (district)

nowwhherredowestay · 04/01/2023 15:50

Oh come on, if you've got porn on when someone arrives you turn it off. Unless you're actually trying to sexually intimidate someone.

Honestly, the bullshit nonsense that people use to support men and their sexually abusive shit.

ShrillBill · 04/01/2023 15:51

Both examples are sexual harassment in the workplace (and yes that includes the porn playing in the background when you are a carer in their home.)

''Employers must do all they reasonably can to protect staff from sexual harassment and take steps to prevent it happening;''
www.acas.org.uk/sexual-harassment

So yes, you should report every incident.

OdeToBarney · 04/01/2023 15:51

BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 15:43

It's not sexual harassment for him to be watching porn in his own home when OP happens to arrive. It could be if he's putting it on because she's coming but there's absolutely nothing to suggest that's true.

Show quote history

It created an intimating and hostile environment for OP. It's sexual harassment. He presumably knew a carer was coming and didn't bother to turn it off when she arrived.

UWhatNow · 04/01/2023 15:52

HomeAGnome · 04/01/2023 15:44

Christ on a bike @BedfordBloo & @Blowyourowntrumpet have a look at yourselves

Exactly! No wonder women don’t stand a chance when so many of their sisters defend the pervs and sexual harassment.

watcherintherye · 04/01/2023 15:53

RunningFromInsanity · 04/01/2023 15:29

First page and your clothing is being blamed.
Brilliant.

So you think it’s fine for a carer, who will be having to help clients with all sorts of personal care, to be wearing clothing so insecure and skimpy that one button coming undone reveals her bra? If you’re having to help people with intimate tasks, I’d have thought the last thing you’d want to worry about is whether your clothing is likely to fall open. The op wasn’t going on a night out!

OdeToBarney · 04/01/2023 15:53

*Intimidating 🙄

HarvestThyme · 04/01/2023 15:56

BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 15:43

It's not sexual harassment for him to be watching porn in his own home when OP happens to arrive. It could be if he's putting it on because she's coming but there's absolutely nothing to suggest that's true.

Show quote history

Yes, it is sexual harassment to have porn playing in the background. I can't believe that needs saying.

AlisonDonut · 04/01/2023 15:57

'and then my top popped open'.

Perhaps you should wear more sturdy clothing?

mommatoone · 04/01/2023 15:58

You did exactly the right thing OP . Dirty old goat he is. Hopefully in future you can go in pairs - not sure how feesable that is.

RambamThankyouMam · 04/01/2023 15:58

Filthy git. Definitely report him.

HellsCominWithMe · 04/01/2023 16:00

Blowyourowntrumpet · 04/01/2023 15:16

Bloody hell, you reported him? Seriously?

Yes she was right to. As a carer she has a right to be protected from potential abuse as do her colleagues.

if she didn’t report he may have escalated next time with her or another staff member.

having reported it there may be other complaints against this patients behaviour so a pattern can be established.

patients who do escalate and behave inappropriately have a right to care however the managers can put protocols in place to protect female staff because they have a right to ve protected from sexually motivated behave. Things such as chaperones, visits being made by two staff members, making visits when family are present can help protect carers.

Georgeskitchen · 04/01/2023 16:04

Yes you acted correctly. I used to be a home.carer and their certain clients who I just point blank refused to visit. Mainly because of their nastiness. (Not dementia related) one old man who pushed the boundaries and tried to kiss me.
The care co-ordinator visited him at home and his behaviour improved after.
You are not obliged to put up with this and if enough staff members complain they should remove him from their books

Stickly · 04/01/2023 16:05

Pretty sure anyone minimising this situation hasn't worked in care/shouldn't be working in care. Absolutely correct. Definitley requires either 2 staff to attend or male carer if possible.
I have seen this situation in community and then go on to a full on sexual assault to another patient when admitted tk hospital as this behaviour wasn't disclosed and setting was therefore hugely inappropriate. One word: SAFEGUARDING.

MichelleScarn · 04/01/2023 16:06

And I thought that some people on this place couldn't be anymore grim! So far a lovely round robin of 'poor guy, of course he can have porn on if a carers there, it's your fault for what you were wearing, oh if he just happened to get himself naked for the carer arriving that's fine...'

Really hope none of those posters work in a care setting, especially management! But given the quick switch to blame op for his behaviour, they probably do!

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/01/2023 16:20

nowwhherredowestay · 04/01/2023 15:50

Oh come on, if you've got porn on when someone arrives you turn it off. Unless you're actually trying to sexually intimidate someone.

Honestly, the bullshit nonsense that people use to support men and their sexually abusive shit.

This. And having worked with sex offenders, they rely on social mores and excuses to operate.

Dinoswearunderpants · 04/01/2023 16:24

You were exposing yourself to him (accidental or not, doesn't matter) and you reported him...

I personally think you're in the wrong here.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/01/2023 16:28

Dinoswearunderpants · 04/01/2023 16:24

You were exposing yourself to him (accidental or not, doesn't matter) and you reported him...

I personally think you're in the wrong here.

It does matter.