Was I right to report this man?

[Aceofbase00]

It's a community based role, and I was helping a male in his early 70s to get dressed. I know he has full mental capacity and doesn't have Alzheimer's/dementia.
Once when I went to his house there was porn playing on a computer in the background.
Anyway I went yesterday and I saw him fixated on my chest whilst I was getting him ready. It was annoying but I just tried to get him ready as quick as I could.
He was still looking. Then he said, "wow, nice top."
I looked down and saw my button had popped open, revealing my bra. I quickly fastened it and he said, "Oh you don't need to do that, I don't get a lot of excitement at the minute." He kept staring at me.
I felt so embarrassed and wish I had said something to him at the time. I just left pretty much after that as soon as possible, and reported it to my manager who said they'd have a word.
I understand he is lonely, but it wasn't appropriate at all for him to comment like that. What would you have done?

Eh, it wouldn’t have bothered me but that doesn’t make it acceptable behaviour on his part. What matters is if it bothers you, and it does, so you did the right thing by reporting him. YANBU in my book.

I think the button incident was potentially an embarrassment to both of you and although his comment was silly and inappropriate, it's not massively problematic in isolation. Just make sure your clothing is covering everything in future and the issue is sorted.
He is being undressed in his home by a woman on her own. It's bound to be a bit uncomfortable at times, especially considering the decades he grew up in. It's really unfortunate that there aren't more male carers, but we all know why they are so scarce.

The porn issue is completely different though. It is deliberate sexual harassment and needs to be treated seriously. Watching porn in the presence of another person is massively offensive, especially in this scenario.
I think OP should have walked out and called her manager there and then to get someone else to attend. Zero tolerance on that.

You don't think saying he is excited at the sight of her bra is deliberate sexual harassment?

Jesus Christ, my own dad is mid 70s and would be mortified if a woman in his company inadvertently showed more than she intended. He would look away, he wouldn't make a vulgar joke to embarrass her. But then, he's not a fucking beast.

As a PP has said, anyone naive enough to think that age erases the predatory urges of certain men needs to spend a day in a men's jail. Bottom floor of course because they can't manage stairs.

Im absolutely astonished how many people think this is ok , and how his commment was 'silly and inappropriate '. What the hell? Would this be ok if the guy was in his 20s/30s?
Ive worked with many sex offenders and let me tell you they appear in all forms , some of the old boys were dirty old pervs and would do anything given a chance.
OP im sorry you experienced this and the lack of empathy/understanding from some people on here. You did the right thing.

We don't even know what OP was wearing and her choice (or lack thereof) of clothing is still being blamed . It's no fucking wonder men get away with shit like this when women fall all over themselves to make excuses for them.

The vast majority of carers who do personal care wear uniforms/smock tops. They can be revealing if you are large-chested and in a position where you need to lean forward eg leaning down to tie someone's shoe or help them put their socks on. They're also cheaply made, ime, and the buttons and zips leave a lot to be desired.

OP absolutely did the right thing. Behaviour like this needs to be nipped in the bud or it can escalate. It may vary from area to area but when I was in care work (within the last 12 months) we were getting an increasing number of very young, inexperienced women (18/19 years old) for whom it was their first job. Many of them didn't have the confidence to deal with situations with like OP described (which are depressingly common) and need women like OP to report things to protect not only themselves but also the client and other carers.

YANBU in the least.

The porn was deliberate

He is being inappropriate and knows he is as he is excusing his behaviour

being lonely is not excuse but many will excuse this sort of behaviour from men 🙄

And absolutely he should be reported

I work in care and it's policy to report behaviours such as this from our residents. We have more than one with full capacity who have been given final warnings that any more boob grabs or inappropriate language and there will be consequences (such as being given notice and transferred to another residence).

It's astounding how many people have the attitude that respect must be given to elders no matter what. Shitty people are everywhere and they get old too, just like everyone else. A disgusting middle aged man becomes a disgusting old man.

You weren't wrong to report but you know that really. The comments jumping the gun that he is some Leary perverted old man are wrong however.

• the porn thing: should he have it on when he knows carers are arriving? No absolutely not. But does he know when the carers are arriving? I work in the sector and know that most of our calls now are flexi with windows of up to 3 hours when we can arrive. So while he shouldn't be doing it no, maybe he though he had time.
• your buttons: why are you wearing a button down top that risks coming open instead of a tunic/ uniform? I agree with PP who said it sounds like you're not dressing appropriately.
• is this behaviour out of character for him? Do you think maybe he has an infection? Something may have happened to cause this behaviour and lack of inhibitions? If so these comments (and this thread) are even more unfair.

So yes absolutely right to report. But I hope your management have a proper conversation with him and his social work team (if relevant) to try understand this behaviour before writing him off as a disgusting old man like most people on this thread.

That's so shocking Muggins,
I don't work in the sector and can't believe there are multiple 'boob grabs' and they are just given warnings. How distressing to be treated that way while at work! It's no wonder these positions are short staffed. I wouldn't want to do it, but I'm glad there are people willing to do it and care for people- you should all be paid more!
There are clearly lots of opinions on here about older men who say and do inappropriate things- I thought things had moved on and all this kind of behaviour was totally unacceptable. We shouldn't allow men to get away with more just because they are ill or old!

Not making any excuses what so ever
I don’t know how I can be any clearer
There’s 2 options

1. dirty old man
2. dementia report it and deal with it appropriately Once they work out which one it is

i have first hand experience in the family of picks disease ( frontal temporal lobe dementia) not every dementia is hoovering the lawn in a nightie

basically they loose the ability to judge and be appropriate the frontal lobe which is dying is the part of the brain that controls that
in other words what they think would come out of there mouth there’s no filter
so no they probably wouldn’t say it to a male carer

so find the facts and take suitable action

Thanks @Stunningscreamer !

You felt uncomfortable and that's what matters.
It's still sad that he's in that situation but that's not your fault. He's being provided with a service which many in the community would really appreciate and he needs to be respectful.

Can't imagine why there's a shortage of workers in the care sector. No idea at all.

I take your point about it being his own home, but I still think he should have the common courtesy to put "personal" stuff like that away.

I acknowledged that carers might let themselves in in my first post if you read what I’ve said.

Anyway I’m going to ask OP so I’m not making ‘assumptions’.

Hi OP, quick question about working practices. I think it’s common sense but another poster disagrees so here it is.

Do you turn up unexpectedly, such that the client doesn’t know you’re about to enter the room the pornography is playing in, or do you give some sort of warning/notice, like ringing the doorbell or, if you let yourself in, calling out so you don’t walk in on him naked or anything like that?

I realise the ‘naked’ thing is a bit silly because you help him get dressed anyway, I mean just a heads up that you’re there as a matter of courtesy.

I can't speak for OP but everywhere I have worked we knock and enter, generally while calling out, "Morning," or whatever. We are deliberately loud so we don't startle anyone who is hard of hearing by just popping up out of no-where.

The only time I never did this was if I didn't want to wake someone eg a welfare check in the middle of the night.

your buttons: why are you wearing a button down top that risks coming open instead of a tunic/ uniform? I agree with PP who said it sounds like you're not dressing appropriately.

This is just nonsense. I've done a random search of the care homes near me and, where there are pictures of the staff, all are wearing a loose shirt type top that has buttons down the front.

Because he is old, vulnerable and requires a carer, we see this man as less of a threat than a fit and able young man. Because of this and the fact we sympathise with his lifestyle, it doesn't mean he has the right to be inappropriate and make you feel uncomfortable 'because he doesn't get any excitement in his life anymore'

I would refuse to be his carer going forward

The one I used to wear had a popper and a zip and the material had no give at all. If the popper popped open as it was prone to do and the top was tight or you were leaning at an awkward angle the zipper would unzip.

I normally wore a vest underneath but during summer it could get unbearably hot. The homes are normally kept deliberately warm as older people feel the cold more, particularly if they are immobile. It's not nice for people who are mobile and are rushing around in thick, heavy tunics.

I never understood why carers couldn't wear leggings and polo shirts instead of cotton trousers and heavy tunic-style blouses. All our local carers have the same type of uniform in various colours, usually different shades of blue.

Of course you shouldn't have to put up with that - and I'm astounded at some posters above suggesting you should.

Have you asked your employer about safeguarding policies or related training, or your union for advice?
Failing that, google "recovery college" in your area - I think there's national coverage, they offer free courses on a range of subjects that could include assertiveness.