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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect brother to say thank you or acknowledge gifts

26 replies

Tead · 24/12/2022 09:20

My brother and I don’t really get along nor do we really speak. He has always been indifferent toward me and our parents.
This year he had a child and I tried to reach out to him a few times but have been generally rebuffed, although we have see the baby once.
I asked if my family could visit his during Christmas but he said they were to busy
i sent a few Xmas presents for his child last week and they have received them but he hasn’t acknowledged this nor sent a card.
I sort of feel like there isn’t much point in trying to connect with him if he isn’t interested. Should I just stop. I want to but I also want my kids to have a relationship with their only cousin

OP posts:

unclebuck · 24/12/2022 22:43

Why are you picking away at this old wound, he has ignored you before and will not change so move on and let it go or it'll only make you unhappy. Focus on the friends and family who value you.

Crumpleton · 24/12/2022 22:54

My brother and I don’t really get along nor do we really speak. He has always been indifferent toward me and our parents.

While I think your brother is rude by not acknowledging the gifts you're setting yourself up for a fall everytime you make contact.
By your own addmission you don't get along and rarely speak so you really can't expect him to be forthcoming.
By saying their busy he probably means leave them be.

poefaced · 24/12/2022 22:57

He sounds like a twat. Stop sending presents, you will just feel worse and worse each year.

Dartmoorcheffy · 24/12/2022 22:57

I would honestly just not bother anymore. Do you get on with his wife? Maybe communicate with her if you do. Otherwise just sadly accept that you will never have a good family relationship.

Crackof · 24/12/2022 22:58

I'm not sure how much clearer he can make it. Hear what he's saying, for goodness's sake.

Penguinsaregreat · 24/12/2022 23:00

Stop bothering. You can’t forge a relationship with his child if your brother won’t enable it.

AllTogetherAllAlone · 24/12/2022 23:07

You say you want your children to have a relationship with their cousin, but if your brother doesn’t care then it really doesn’t matter what you do. I’d leave it up to him now.

Summer2424 · 24/12/2022 23:08

@Tead i think you done such a nice thing. When i lose touch with a sibling i always think of them, i think how am i going to approach them as so much time has gone by.
The pain is so much i make every effort to keep a good relationship with them, i don't want to go back to not speaking for months on end.
I think carry on doing your bit, he'll get in touch with you when he's ready.
Hope the above helps :)

Chazx · 24/12/2022 23:21

I have the exact same thing with a sibling. I try to maintain a relationship, get no interest or silent for weeks)/ months or indifferent when they do respond. I always say contact me when you are free and have a spare moment.

I get nothing, I then take the hint, I step back and then this sibling lets rip saying "you never speak" or that I don't care about her children and why no birthday cards (she hasn't sent my kids anything for 3 years).

Honestly, you can't win. I'd step back and let the relationship fade out.

Horrible when you have poor relationships with siblings but from my own experience, it's not worth the effort and mental load.

PrinceHaz · 24/12/2022 23:26

I would give up. Cousin relationships are not desperately important.

Rogue1001MNer · 24/12/2022 23:29

PrinceHaz · 24/12/2022 23:26

I would give up. Cousin relationships are not desperately important.

Um. I don't agree.

I adore my cousins, and my DD absolutely loves hers.

But, OP, I do feel his actions are speaking loud and clear

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/12/2022 23:43

He doesn’t want your gifts, he doesn’t want a relationship with you. There must be a reason/backstory. If he’s always been indifferent to you him having had a child won’t change that.

He won’t want to nurture a cousin bond as he doesn’t feel a sibling bond. Sad for you but your DC won’t miss what they’ve never had and you can’t engineer it on your own.

It’s possible he feels the gifts are an unwelcome intrusion. People don’t feel thankful for that.

ChristmasChair · 25/12/2022 06:39

What's the backstory OP?

fancyacuppatea · 25/12/2022 06:41

Stop.
You're wasting time, money, and effort.
He doesn't want to know, so your kids won't have a relationship with their cousin.

Beanbagtrap · 25/12/2022 06:42

I would create an account for the baby and pop Xmas and birthday gift money in there until she's older and they see you. I'd stop bothering trying to contact and just say you're there when they're ready.

KatherineJaneway · 25/12/2022 06:45

While I think your brother is rude by not acknowledging the gifts you're setting yourself up for a fall everytime you make contact.
By your own addmission you don't get along and rarely speak so you really can't expect him to be forthcoming.
By saying their busy he probably means leave them be.

Agree with this. He has made his feelings known, you’ve tried but he is not interested unfortunately.

cantsing · 25/12/2022 07:13

For what ever reason he doesn't want contact with you. I don't know why obviously. But it seems very unfair to send him things and complain about not getting a response when he's gone non contact with you. If you carry on he could consider it harassment if you aren't careful.

cantsing · 25/12/2022 07:14

While I think your brother is rude by not acknowledging the gifts you're setting yourself up for a fall everytime you make contact. we have no idea of what has led up to this. He might have good reason for going no contact.

poefaced · 25/12/2022 08:36

cantsing · 25/12/2022 07:13

Then he shouldn’t accept presents.

He hasn’t gone NC.

Sounds like he’s wrapped up in his own family and will contact his parents only when he needs something.

If anyone should go NC, it should be OP.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 25/12/2022 08:55

I wouldn't bother tbh. Its pretty clear that he isn't bothered. I had similar wit db who lived abroad. Would not hear from him from one year to the next, and then he would turn up as the prodigal son and expect me to host him.

Testina · 25/12/2022 08:58

@Summer2424 “When i lose touch with a sibling i always think of them”
just how often do you do this?!

Lummikukka · 25/12/2022 08:59

Another vote for step back and don't bother. I wasted a lot of mental energy on a sibling who is all take and no give. It's very freeing to not bother at all with them, I've stopped caring that we can go months/ years without contact.

And for all those posters saying 'what's the backstory' - sometimes there isn't one, some people are just selfish and lack empathy.

SoSweetAndSalty · 25/12/2022 09:28

He will not have wanted you to send the gifts but you've sent them anyway. He will think you've done it to be annoying so he obviously won't thank you.

It's really sad but you've no control here.

Testina · 25/12/2022 09:34

Plenty of people wait until Christmas Day to say thank you for presents, so you might be getting ahead of yourself with a perfunctory text coming later.

I’m on the fence with him not acknowledging them (if he doesn’t today). Yes, it’s rude. But is it as rude to force contact on him that he clearly doesn’t want?

Original poster

Tead · 25/12/2022 18:40

We have just drifted apart, he was horrible to our parents about 10 years ago when he was living with them. Mum fell ill whilst he was living at home and went to hospital, he went out at night on lash and just didn’t care. It grated on me and I told him. I thought over time we could reconnect and be more civil but this hasn’t been the case.

OP posts:

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