Please please help me, I’ve upset everyone

[neighfriends]

I’ve pissed off my friends and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m really struggling and would appreciate any help..

For context, I’ve got a hobby/lifestyle that takes over a lot of my everyday life and that people outside of it might not understand how big a commitment it is. My friends don’t understand when I explain why I sometimes can’t go to something because of it, and why it means it’s so much harder to organise social things on top of work, family life and everything else. I don’t drone on and on about it to them as they’re not really interested behind being polite which is fair enough!

I love spending time with them, and I probably go to 50% of things organised and I see them when we’re working and studying- I want to spend more time with them but I feel like it’s impossible sometimes and I just have too much on. They clearly think I’m being flakey, and make excuses all the time and are being more and more distant with me and I feel so upset about it.

Also recently, as much as I love being social and going out and doing things with my friends, sometimes I feel so drained and exhausted and when it rolls around I feel like I’ve got 0% battery. It’s probably a combination of worrying about them being pissed off at me on top of other stresses and recent health problems I’ve had, but I just feel exhausted with it all.

I think they see me going to my hobby and thinking if I’m not too exhausted or busy to go there then why can’t I skip it sometimes and see them more often? But I’ve tried to explain to them that I can’t do that but they obviously think I’m making excuses

in my ideal world I would go to as many social events as I can (probably around half) and see my friends when we are working, studying and on our social media and so on. But it’s not just about me and I need to consider them too and the current situation is clearly making them pissed off with me.I just don’t know what to do for the best

for the record- once I’ve agreed to go to something I’ll always go unless it’s an emergency. I wouldn’t bail on them once I’ve agreed plans. Unfortunately though we were supposed to meet up earlier this week and I had to cancel last minute (emergency situation which I explained to them) which has just annoyed them even more.

They’re great friends and we’ve been friends for years so I don’t want to lose our friendship- we haven’t drifted and when we talk and spend time together it’s all completely normal! but I know they’re getting annoyed at me for constantly not attending things and they think I’m making excuses. I don’t want to upset them but I don’t know what to do. Has anyone else ever been in this situation and have any advice? Thanks in advance x

I really do know how time consuming horses are and I have to remind myself every time I get nostalgic (I grew up on a farm). So here is something to consider, if you were to arrange an evening with your friends - What time would it start and what would you do? If they are starting a little early, I would just say that I'll be there but won't be able to get there until a certain time, and turn up fashionably late. Also, if these evenings come round periodically, what about getting in there with your idea and time first? That way it'll all be on your term and you won't feel hounded.

The point of having a group of friends is surly so you don't feel pressured to go to every meet up. Letting one person down bad, saying no to a group is everyone's prerogative.

Have you thought about arranging something in advance at a time you know you wouldn't be doing any dressage? Emergencies will always come up and as you get older, your friendships need to grow too. I'm not 21 living with my best friends in uni anymore, we are in our 30s, there's husbands and children, full time careers and homes to look after. We all understand that but it sounds as though your commitments as individuals are currently very different, and this can make it difficult for friends to understand each other.

Maybe invite them for coffee, explain to them that dressage is an important part of your life as are they, and you hope you can remain friends and be there for the big things even though you don't see each other constantly. It's healthy to set boundaries for any relationship, but be prepared that they may want more time than you can offer.

If it's horses, your friends need to be blooming grateful they get to see you at all!