Please please help me, I’ve upset everyone

[neighfriends]

I’ve pissed off my friends and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m really struggling and would appreciate any help..

For context, I’ve got a hobby/lifestyle that takes over a lot of my everyday life and that people outside of it might not understand how big a commitment it is. My friends don’t understand when I explain why I sometimes can’t go to something because of it, and why it means it’s so much harder to organise social things on top of work, family life and everything else. I don’t drone on and on about it to them as they’re not really interested behind being polite which is fair enough!

I love spending time with them, and I probably go to 50% of things organised and I see them when we’re working and studying- I want to spend more time with them but I feel like it’s impossible sometimes and I just have too much on. They clearly think I’m being flakey, and make excuses all the time and are being more and more distant with me and I feel so upset about it.

Also recently, as much as I love being social and going out and doing things with my friends, sometimes I feel so drained and exhausted and when it rolls around I feel like I’ve got 0% battery. It’s probably a combination of worrying about them being pissed off at me on top of other stresses and recent health problems I’ve had, but I just feel exhausted with it all.

I think they see me going to my hobby and thinking if I’m not too exhausted or busy to go there then why can’t I skip it sometimes and see them more often? But I’ve tried to explain to them that I can’t do that but they obviously think I’m making excuses

in my ideal world I would go to as many social events as I can (probably around half) and see my friends when we are working, studying and on our social media and so on. But it’s not just about me and I need to consider them too and the current situation is clearly making them pissed off with me.I just don’t know what to do for the best

for the record- once I’ve agreed to go to something I’ll always go unless it’s an emergency. I wouldn’t bail on them once I’ve agreed plans. Unfortunately though we were supposed to meet up earlier this week and I had to cancel last minute (emergency situation which I explained to them) which has just annoyed them even more.

They’re great friends and we’ve been friends for years so I don’t want to lose our friendship- we haven’t drifted and when we talk and spend time together it’s all completely normal! but I know they’re getting annoyed at me for constantly not attending things and they think I’m making excuses. I don’t want to upset them but I don’t know what to do. Has anyone else ever been in this situation and have any advice? Thanks in advance x

unfortunately, as with all animal owners, there will statistically be some riders that are cruel.

however, the majority are not, and dressage as a discipline is no crueler than any other discipline (ie, not at all with the exception of a few cruel riders). My horses are treated like royalty and love their work- in no way is it cruel or stressful to them. Its a very close minded approach to say its all cruel and stressful.

just want to thank everyone who offered advice and help, I feel a lot better about things especially knowing that other horse people are in the same situation!

I never knew dressage was cruel, Madame MacKenzie. Are you sure?

It must depend on who trains the horse - and horses are trained for all sorts of things, not just dressage. Some owners/trainers may be unkind and, if so (& found out), they should be banned from having a horse. However most are not, they love their horses and the animal responds to that.

I can't see how dressage is cruel to horses 🤷‍♀️It's basically just flat work. What's cruel about it?

Dressage can be harder on the horse than any other discipline. Whether it is cruel or not depends on the trainer /rider. Rollkur is very definitely not alright.

A yard I worked on when I was Young, the horses were turned out once a week, if that. Not ok imo. Other than that they were looked after and treated wonderfully

rollkur is awful, I absolutely agree. thankfully its not a common practice though and its becoming less and less common.

unfortunately there's always good and bad owners. Spurs are not cruel, but there will be riders that use them cruelly. Similarly to whips. My pet hate is actually seeing riding school children carrying their sparkly uniform whips without actually being taught how to use it properly. To them its just another piece of tack, which if used correctly it is, but a lot of riders are not taught how to use them correctly and it can be cruel. Anyway I'll stop ranting now!

I agree about the turnout, although unfortunately that's not dressage specific and I've known show ponies, show jumpers and eventers that have never been anything other than hand grazed. My horses are horses first and dressage horses second. They are out in the field for 5-8+ hours depending on weather, every single day with the exception of competitions. I was brought up with the belief that we are asking these animals to trust us, keep us safe and perform outside their realms of normality (lets be honest, how often do horses piaffe in the field) and its completely cruel and unfair to ask that without even giving them basic good treatment, eg turnout. It makes my blood boil to see competition horses never turned out.

Oops, that turned into a bit of a rant!

*unicorn, not uniform.

@neighfriends
Friendships in your early 20s can be intense and if your friends don't have any commitments they might have expectations that you just can't meet.

It sounds like you are always clear about what you can / can't do and you don't cancel plans with your friends unless there is an emergency. If they are sulking because they want more than that from you, they're being a bit unreasonable really. Your horses are not a hobby, they need care and effort every single day and your friends can hardly expect you not to provide that so you can go out for lunch!

You might think that they are good friends, but they don't sound it to me. They sound very immature if they can't understand your commitments elsewhere. I can see this friendship group fading over time and I actually think you're going to be okay with that because you are being the best friend that you can be and they're being sulky twats.

As you move through life you make friends with different lifestyles and commitments, friends who move away, friends who work different shift patterns....you start to understand that it's not how often you manage to see these people that counts.

My best friend who married a farmer and moved away, some times I don't see her for 6 months because she is needed on the farm. I have a child and a job so am not always free when she comes back to our home town. Occasionally we'll plan something months in advance but then her animals need emergency treatment / my child is ill and we have to cancel at the last minute. I love her to pieces and would never make her feel bad about any of it, nor would she make me feel bad. She is a caring compassionate person and that is why she ended up being so committed to animals, it is also one reason she is such a good friend.
You'll find people that appreciate your qualities soon enough x

Your friends are being unreasonable. And demanding. Dressage is not the same as doing sudoku. It is demanding of your time, it can't be neglected and it's physical so I can why you're exhausted. And you've been ill...

You say you honour agreements to get together with your friends, you just don't agree it that often. You sound like a perfectly reasonable friend to me!

I'd explain how you're feeling to them, and that you really value their friendship. I'd say you really appreciate them inviting you and hope they'll continue to do so, but that you hope they don't feel offended if you can't attend some as it's impossible for you to go as often as you'd like to. Explain that you're saying this because you're worried you might have offended them.

If they're good friends they'll understand. If not, I'd look for other friends from with in your dressage world.

Knew it would be horses OP. People just dont get it unfortunately. Iget grief from my family still and I am 45 so t doesn't get easier. I just say 'I should be able to come but obviously need to do horses around it'. Then am managing expectations a bit. It's difficult to manage everything but the horses are always ahppy to see me, even if it pisses other people off.

I think calling horse ownership a hobby is misleading, specially uf you are actively competing it's a lifestyle choice. Friends will come second but maybe more understanding if you include them in this part of your lifestyle.

As I was scrolling through the comments and before I got to your explanation of your hobby, I guessed that it was relating to an equestrian sport.
Yes, completely understand that it’s almost like another job, the training is intense & time consuming as is anything to do with horses. I did some dressage in my younger days & completely know where you’re coming from. It’s a shame that your friends don’t understand your passion & give you some leeway.🙂

It’s a shame that your friends don’t understand your passion & give you some leeway

I think it is difficult for someone to understand unless they share the same passion or unless they are as passionate about a different interest.

For example, I and most people I know have several interests and hobbies, but they are just that. I admit that I don't feel the same lavel of passion about any of my interests, and I think I speak for most of my friends and family, so it is difficult to imagine what it must be like to have something in my life that is so time consuming that I really want to do. I have interests that I can pick up and put down.

I hope I haven't offended anyone BTW.

I don’t think it’s that, exactly, it’s that keeping horses and competing with them is, as the OP says, like having an extra job, and if they’re on DIY livery, and multiple horses, it’s a demanding, unavoidable, hours-of-commitment-daily extra job. It’s a different ballpark even to something like being a serious ultramarathoner or the like, because the beasts need looking after even if it’s a ‘rest’ day.

I think it is both the lack of passion and the lack of understanding about how much commitement is required @HeleneLagonelle.

There is a cross over because if you weren't passionate about it you wouldn't be prepared to do all the necessary slog - the early mornings and the evenings, the mucking out, the preparation for competitions etc. So, I agree it is like having an extra job, but you wouldn't do it if you didn't love it.

This is bonkers nonsense.......the ethos of dressage is classical riding. It is about harmony, balance, rhythm and the horse using his body correctly. A horse which cannot work correctly on the flat will not jump effectively. All horses benefit from being correctly schooled to strengthen and develop their muscles.
This doesn't have to always happen in an arena. My Fat Cob gets schooled out hacking and sometimes in hand. He's never going to Piaffe in his life but that's not why we do it. I want my horse to carry me easily, be well mannered and enjoy doing what I ask. My 8 year old daughter was delighted to discover she could make her pony halt simply by breathing out. As she said "Mummy it's like magic".
There are those who will abuse the system but don't disparage generally what you clearly don't understand.

Are they actually your horses though? I know animals are important and need to be looked after but the emergency one - are you paid to be on call? The stables should have staff to tend the horses and not rely on goodwill.
you may look back in 10 years when you have no friends and regret your choices. Or you may just need to make new friends within the horsey world who understand and let current friendships slide into happy memories. Not all friendships have to last a lifetime.

I think Op's username gave it away!

Anyone involved with horses would know it’s more than just a hobby - it’s incredibly time consuming and expensive! I don’t really understand why you’re so upset about upsetting these so called friends. Maybe it’s time for you to broaden your friendship circle and get involved with more people who enjoy your hobby, rather than resent it. People change and evolve, there’s no shame in that, it just life. Stop wasting energy worrying about the way other people react and think - it’s not your problem. Maybe take a chill pill or two!!

yes, they are mine. im not staff at the stables (just guessing you think this from your reply, sorry if not!) so its not really a case of being on call- im the owner so I need to sort out if there's an emergency, they pull a shoe, they go lame, they cause damage, they destroy a rug (unfortunately a regular occurrence!) aswell as the day to day tasks of looking after them. Sort of like a child at nursery- the staff would help and call an ambulance if needed, but ultimately mom or dad or guardian are in charge (if that makes sense!). I have livery arrangement where mucking out, turning out, grooming and so on is sometimes done for me and I only do it sometimes, but even without all that I still need to be at the stables at least twice a day- there's so much to balance and sort out because they are competition horses so need a lot of specialised care. that doesn't even include riding and training on top! x

I think its just hard to drift apart from people you've been friends with for a long time, I have horsey friends too but my other friends were equally special and we have so much history together. I've always had horse commitments but as I got older and training/competing increased, its become more of a commitment. I probably just need to accept we're starting to drift x

Keeping your friends happy sounds stressful . I am older but have lots of true friends which l can only see occasionally as we are all busy but they love me anyway and vice versa. If your hobby makes you happy, don’t make any excuses for it. Enjoy and if friends are still there for you then they are the right friends. It’s a long life …do what you enjoy ♥️

My best friend is a dressage rider and has always had her own as well as having periods where she is riding for others as well. I have to say I cannot remember the last time she couldn’t attend something with me. Granted she sometimes can’t do it all, or needs to arrive late, leave early, not drink etc. etc. but she always makes an effort and that I appreciate so therefore can never be annoyed or feel like I’m down her list of priorities.

I’m not sure MN is the general demographic to weep about reaching your 20s 😭

So, just a baby then?

Dressage/horses are a huge commitment, if your friends know what your hobby is they should understand that you have a responsibility to care for the horses. Unless any of them have actually said they are annoyed I'd try to relax and just spend the time you can with them.