Please please help me, I’ve upset everyone

[neighfriends]

I’ve pissed off my friends and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m really struggling and would appreciate any help..

For context, I’ve got a hobby/lifestyle that takes over a lot of my everyday life and that people outside of it might not understand how big a commitment it is. My friends don’t understand when I explain why I sometimes can’t go to something because of it, and why it means it’s so much harder to organise social things on top of work, family life and everything else. I don’t drone on and on about it to them as they’re not really interested behind being polite which is fair enough!

I love spending time with them, and I probably go to 50% of things organised and I see them when we’re working and studying- I want to spend more time with them but I feel like it’s impossible sometimes and I just have too much on. They clearly think I’m being flakey, and make excuses all the time and are being more and more distant with me and I feel so upset about it.

Also recently, as much as I love being social and going out and doing things with my friends, sometimes I feel so drained and exhausted and when it rolls around I feel like I’ve got 0% battery. It’s probably a combination of worrying about them being pissed off at me on top of other stresses and recent health problems I’ve had, but I just feel exhausted with it all.

I think they see me going to my hobby and thinking if I’m not too exhausted or busy to go there then why can’t I skip it sometimes and see them more often? But I’ve tried to explain to them that I can’t do that but they obviously think I’m making excuses

in my ideal world I would go to as many social events as I can (probably around half) and see my friends when we are working, studying and on our social media and so on. But it’s not just about me and I need to consider them too and the current situation is clearly making them pissed off with me.I just don’t know what to do for the best

for the record- once I’ve agreed to go to something I’ll always go unless it’s an emergency. I wouldn’t bail on them once I’ve agreed plans. Unfortunately though we were supposed to meet up earlier this week and I had to cancel last minute (emergency situation which I explained to them) which has just annoyed them even more.

They’re great friends and we’ve been friends for years so I don’t want to lose our friendship- we haven’t drifted and when we talk and spend time together it’s all completely normal! but I know they’re getting annoyed at me for constantly not attending things and they think I’m making excuses. I don’t want to upset them but I don’t know what to do. Has anyone else ever been in this situation and have any advice? Thanks in advance x

Horses aren’t really a hobby though, I mean in that, they’re actually a commitment - even if you did less dressage, they still need looking after.

At the end of the day, you get to choose how often you want to engage with your friends and they get to decide how they prioritise their friendship with you. If they are not happy now then yes, doubtless the friendship will fade. That's a natural thing - not all friends are forever. You'll go on to make other friends and so will they.

Managing the welfare of your horses(after your actual dressage work) isn't an excuse not to see your friends. They should be more understanding. If you were my friend I would be a tad envious... Maybe that's it..
.

Underrated post

we’re away a lot for competitions, clinics, training, lessons and I suppose I’ve viewed it as being equivelent to saying ‘I’ve got work’ and obviously nobody would be annoyed if someone couldn’t go because of work, but I understand from their POV it won’t be the equivalent of that!

Dressage or anything to do with horses is more than a hobby, its more a lifestyle.

As long as you are not letting people down then surely its up to you what you attend.

If one of my friends decided to come to one event a year then thats fine by me, I wouldn't dream of passing comment.

Has someone actually said they are upset? I find that quite odd an adult would be upset because another adult friend didn't go to an event. Unless its a wedding etc and you promised you would attend but flaked at the last moment.

I can understand disappointment, but if someone is a true friend then they will be happy you have a hobby that you enjoy.

I burst out laughing reading this! haha

My friend is a Scout leader. That's not a job but it does involve Scout camps, 2 nights a week of meetings, AGMs etc. I don't think this is that different.

Could you invite them diwn to the stables, ibtroduce them to yhe horses? Show them what has to becdone every day?
Maybe invute them to an event to cheer you on?

YABU only because you should absolutely follow your passion & as long as you’re not cancelling last minute your friends should be more understanding or find new friends, maybe even at you hobby

@neighfriends
Is it horses, OP? You are not alone, I have refused every offer of a get together/social occasion, and my primary reason is the same as yours, such a big commitment. Also, I think i see enough of my work colleagues when i am at work, they are not my idea of fun. The other day, my co workers placed 2 toy elves in an obscene setting on a desk, which looked immature and vulgar. They go on and on about things which sound boring. I have been told if i continue to shun social occasions I will be seen as stand-offish, but i don't care. Try not to worry and just be yourself.

Your hobby is more important to you than your friends.

That's why you prioritise it over them.

There's nothing wrong with that by the way.

You are allowed to spend your time how you choose.

What you can't control is how other people feel about that and if they still want to be part of your life.

Reply of the year 🥇

Another poster has just suggested inviting friends down to the stables, but it could be that OP's only downtime, where she switches off the world of study/work and enjoys time with the horse(s) Word could spread, others will invite themselves for a nosey, and Op's life would not be her own, she shouldn't have to accommodate others.

This.

Friendships shouldn't be stressful.
Friendships shouldn't be making you anxious.
You can see them whenever you want to and how frequently or otherwise that you want to.
Sometimes you see one group of friends, and presumably at other times you are spending time with your dressage / competition friends, or friends at the stables.

If your intense friends can't understand that, that is their problem.

Of course it’s horses !

Dressage ( well , any competitive equestrian discipline really ) requires so much commitment , you either go the whole hog , or don’t do it at all . It’s far too expensive a game to play at ( trust me, as a shite eventer, I know this all too well)

Its a shame that your friends are peeved with you. All you can do is try and go when you can. Although I have to admit , given the choice of a night on the town or with the animals , I’d take an evening pulling manes any day .

I'd probably speak to them and say something similar to what you've said here.
That their friendship is incredibly important to you and you are upset if you've made them feel otherwise. But, you have a responsibility to your horses and to work so while you will do your best to see them as much as you can, there will be times when you can't.

If they don't understand that and think the friendship group should be the priority then there isn't much you can do. It sounds like you're at slightly different stages of life already. You don't want to compromise your work, or your dressage, as your friends will one day move on a bit too and the friendships will become less intense as other things take over.

In my experience even the closest, best friendships change and sometimes fade away altogether. The right ones will continue but it does take communication, understanding and give and take, just like a relationship.

I knew it would be horses as soon as I read the OP. Although @HobbyIsCodeForDogging 's post was fabulous!

Horses do take time, there's not a lot you can do about it. You sound like you're trying your best. If your friends' lives are all going in a different direction to yours, that's just adult life for you.

I was away to say the hobby was horses....and really, you just need more horsey friends. How often do your friends want to see you and how old are you all?

Horses are my profession op and part of my work leads to really unsociable hours. I also sometimes feel a great deal of guilt about cancelling plans especially as I actually really enjoy what I do so it doesn't really feel like work. The majority of my friends are horsey which helps but regardless of that if they were true friends I'd hope that they would appreciate that it was important to me. I think part of the problem lies in that people don't always understand the effort and commitment involved in purely keeping a horse alive and sound let alone getting to a competition! Maybe have a conversation with them and explain that you value their friendship and that you're doing your best to fit everything in?

When I read your OP, I thought immediately horses. You can't just leave them to sort themselves out. Your friends do seem rather demanding. You need to find a balance that you feel happy with. Horses are all encompassing if you're serious and unfortunately that means that something has to give unless you have staff to do everything for you but the riding!

It’s much easier to just have horsey friends. I have a couple of non horsey ones but over the years it’s gradually become fewer and fewer.

Non horse people don’t get it. You may need to just let these ones slide. Not all friends are for life sadly. I have 2 that have stuck for 36 years but the rest have been left behind.

I knew from your first post it would be horses and competing… as a fellow addict 😉

I used to try and fit it all in (although the friendships weren’t quite so intense, and not competing at a high level, but horses on DIY)… but it got to a point where I said to my husband, actually I know what makes me really happy, and it’s not going out every weekend till the early hours, usually with a hefty dose of alcohol (not what you need when you have to be up at 6 to turn out etc).

What makes me happy is doing my thing with the horses (and i better say DH and family!). Spending time ‘doing the horses’ feels like ‘value’ for money and for my time, which I couldn’t always say about boozy nights out.

Don’t get me wrong, you don’t need to ditch your friends entirely but, I think a pp said, stick to the big events- birthdays, weddings, etc and then maybe try the odd low key, meet up for coffee etc

But give it a few years and they will be prioritising differently too- relationships and families. Hopefully things will then even out a bit, and become more balanced in terms of the intensity desired by all parties.

In your shoes I'd probably get her some flowers to apologise for missing the party (not for doing what you needed to do) as she's upset.

In terms of scheduling social stuff, I think you need to accept that there are some things you'll need to miss.

But I also wonder if they're really the right friends. I'm not suggesting you dump them, just maybe try not to take it as personally. You might love them to bits but your tribe won't give you such a hard time.

Don't forget the old saying (we've all found it to be true) that 99% of friends are "friends for a reason or friends for a season "

I get it, looking after horses before training etc takes up hours of time especially in the winter. Can you get someone to muck out etc one day of the weekend and make plans with them then?