Please please help me, I’ve upset everyone

[neighfriends]

I’ve pissed off my friends and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m really struggling and would appreciate any help..

For context, I’ve got a hobby/lifestyle that takes over a lot of my everyday life and that people outside of it might not understand how big a commitment it is. My friends don’t understand when I explain why I sometimes can’t go to something because of it, and why it means it’s so much harder to organise social things on top of work, family life and everything else. I don’t drone on and on about it to them as they’re not really interested behind being polite which is fair enough!

I love spending time with them, and I probably go to 50% of things organised and I see them when we’re working and studying- I want to spend more time with them but I feel like it’s impossible sometimes and I just have too much on. They clearly think I’m being flakey, and make excuses all the time and are being more and more distant with me and I feel so upset about it.

Also recently, as much as I love being social and going out and doing things with my friends, sometimes I feel so drained and exhausted and when it rolls around I feel like I’ve got 0% battery. It’s probably a combination of worrying about them being pissed off at me on top of other stresses and recent health problems I’ve had, but I just feel exhausted with it all.

I think they see me going to my hobby and thinking if I’m not too exhausted or busy to go there then why can’t I skip it sometimes and see them more often? But I’ve tried to explain to them that I can’t do that but they obviously think I’m making excuses

in my ideal world I would go to as many social events as I can (probably around half) and see my friends when we are working, studying and on our social media and so on. But it’s not just about me and I need to consider them too and the current situation is clearly making them pissed off with me.I just don’t know what to do for the best

for the record- once I’ve agreed to go to something I’ll always go unless it’s an emergency. I wouldn’t bail on them once I’ve agreed plans. Unfortunately though we were supposed to meet up earlier this week and I had to cancel last minute (emergency situation which I explained to them) which has just annoyed them even more.

They’re great friends and we’ve been friends for years so I don’t want to lose our friendship- we haven’t drifted and when we talk and spend time together it’s all completely normal! but I know they’re getting annoyed at me for constantly not attending things and they think I’m making excuses. I don’t want to upset them but I don’t know what to do. Has anyone else ever been in this situation and have any advice? Thanks in advance x

Well, you could stop doing dressage and give up the horses, but I'm assuming that you don't want to do that. Horses are living creatures and they need to be properly looked after.

I'm not sure there is much you can do here. You could try talking to your friends, but that's about it.

Don't you meet anyone through the horse stuff? Surely you have other friends who have similar commitments to you? It might be worth investing in these friendships a bit more.

You aren't doing anything wrong. Your friends aren't, either. You just have different expectations of what friendship looks like. I don't think that feeling like you have to give up things that you really care about is a good basis for friendship. I would just continue to give the friendships what you can, and make the effort to keep meeting new people, who might be more on your level. Let things run their natural course.

rats. it was a tossup between horses and rowing and I lost

I totally get it @neighfriends . I'm mid 40s , don't compete anymore, barely ride but still the horses need looking after dont they? I've scaled it right back, but that means I'm not on a yard so no others to share favours with. I'm also separated with 2 Dc. People just don't get it. I've had my own horses for nearly 30 yrs, still my family ask the same surprised "have you still got to do the horses?"question EVERY CHRISTMAS DAY

I knew this was a horse thread from your opening post!
Having a horse, and competing is a lifestyle. It’s not something you can pick up and put down, or skip it for a month. It’s a huge commitment. It’s very difficult for non horsey people to understand the commitment (time and money!) it involves, however, your friends should accept that part of your life and accept that you won’t always be able to attend everything.
Make plans, and stick to them if you can, but don’t let people make you feel bad for your hobby.

To be fair, it was obvious from OP's username that it was about horses

Tbh it sounds like they're not great friends.

I love seeing my friends, but we all have a lot on. Ones brother has passed, one is giving up alcohol for various reasons, two have been put forward for therapy.

We just have a lot on! They might go out with a friend or housemate or man. And say no to me. Half the time we don't even text for a bit or text and then a week later we reply.

Friendship is supporting each other, seeing each other when we can, accepting our flakiness (so long as you say you can come and don't just ditch last minute) and just make each others lives better not harder!

OP I understand you. I am older than you and work FT and I am also a swimmer. I train 5 times a week, plus gym work and have competitions once a month, sometimes twice.Those outside the swimming world don't get it, and I do suspect some jealousy too (I have so much fun and have a real support network from my club and coaches). Like you, if I commit to something, I go unless a real emergency stops me. But I have no time for getting drunk, clubbing etc.
I realise I am not giving you advice here, but just showing support. You will find your people, please don't stress. You are so young still. Good luck with your dressage.

That is tough OP

but essentially you are choosing your hobby over your friends, fair enough, but that’s it

i play tennis competitively (not pro! Just enthusiastic recreational stuff), play lots of tournaments, club championships, league matches. It’s what I love

i deliberately cancel, at least once a month or twice, to make time for friends and non-tennis things

with horses it’s harder, I know! We used to have horses and it takes over your life

hope you find a balance

I knew you were going to say horses, non horsey people don’t get it, true friends do

so they aren’t true friend. Unless you have horses you don’t get the commitment you needs it’s a lifestyle not a hobby and it’s not comparable to a dog or cat

I don't have direct experience of this, but I do know someone who has a good friend who does dressage.

They know the horses come first. It's never been in question. They love her and enjoy seeing her when they can.

20 years later, they have children and they are prioritising them while she has more free time. It's swings and roundabouts.

You either enjoy someone's company or you don't.

Dressage is a great hobby! Many would love to do it. I can see how it would be time consuming for you but it is a commitment. I'm sure your friends don't mind as much as you think, they have each other, so don't feel guilty. You must make some friends by doing dressage too. Good luck to you, it all sounds good.

I knew from the first post it would be something involving horses.

Maybe just make better friends with your horsey buddies if you have no time or energy for others

If you were my friend I would be jealous that you have horses and would love to be invited to meet/ interact with them.

Honestly? I'd rather keep the hobby and make new friends! Friends who share your interests, understand the time commitment required, and possibly will be involved in the hobby, so you can see them while you engage in your hobby.

It would be best to keep the old friends, too, but if they can't accept that you can't/don't want to spend as much time together as you could before, I definitely would not sacrifice the other parts of my life that I enjoyed just to keep them happy.

Soon enough, they'll find they don't have as much time to socialise, either, whether it's marriage, children, more demanding jobs, or something else.

Ha, Ha I knew it was horses!
No one understands except other horsey people how much time needs to be spent on it.
I actually did it for a job too for a while. I loved it but then met DH, married and baby within a year. Sometimes regretted getting involved so much when I was young as I missed the life I had but heigh ho. Luckily my friends were those living and working with me.Then after marrying I moved 300 miles.
Previously in another country I was still at school and most of my friends either had horses or were involved in other sports so understood or I was with them competing or socialising once the horses were put to bed!

I would say try and see them twice a month. I am happy to see my present friends or ex colleagues that often. Could you make/send each friend a Christmas card with a similar letter to your OP explaining how much you value them but add in the time consuming and tiredness factor. Perhaps having you explain without doing it verbally would mean they would take it on board more.Or suggest one or two accompany you one day like a day in the life of OP!

Good luck and enjoy it. Lucky you. I did get my kids a pony😃Sadly she died aged 30 we had her for 22 years.

I also knew it would be horses reading the first post 🤣. I have 5 OP so totally understand. My non horsey friends have no idea what a commitment it is. It's more of a lifestyle than a hobby at this point 🙈

DD's best friend in primary school got a horse when she was in year 4. After that DD hardly saw anything of her because the horse was more important. The mum was and still is as keen on horses as her daughter. They both spent every spare minute at the stables and hardly any time at home. The husband would come home from work to an empty house every night.

I get that owning a horse is more than just a hobby, but they took it to extremes. The marriage failed because the husband felt so sidelined by a horse that he started seeking comfort elsewhere (not saying that it was right that he did so though).

The girl is still so one track minded about horses that she did a horsey degree and only socialises with people in the horse world.

When she took GCSE art she only drew and painted horses, and she can't seem to talk about anything other than horses. She is a lovely girl, but she is an utter horse bore.

Knew it would be horses!
😂
It is seriously, seriously time heavy and takes over your entire life. They won't actually understand OP as no one who doesn't have them can't actually understand to what extent it is there.
Personally after 25 years as a freelance groom and burying myself in it I'm bloody glad I gave it up! 😂

I was also going to guess horses. The thing is it’s not just a hobby, it’s a complete lifestyle so very hard to pick up and put down on a whim. We also have horses and keep them at home, we never feel it’s a burden as it’s my passion and I’m lucky to have a very accommodating DH, but I know some family and friends don’t understand the tie.

Friends do grow apart, do you have friends within the hobby? And I know this is no good to someone in their early twenties but in general a lot of these younger friendships fall by the wayside by thirty at the very least.

Oh I knew it would be horses!

Anyway. You're not in the wrong here. You have responsibilities and of course you can't leave your horses if you can't get cover, or if they're ill, that would be cruel and you are being a responsible horse owner.

But your friends are early 20s, it's probably beyond them at the moment to be able to comprehend the level of responsibility involved, a lot of 20 year olds can only just look after themselves, their priority is having fun before they settle down and its probably natural that you drift from them when your viewpoint is so different.

I'm not sure there is a solution. Is there anyway you could get cover on a set night a week or fortnight (anyone you could effectively swap with regularly) and try and get your friends to do a regular meet up on those days? Do less competitions? I'd try to keep lines of communication open as one day they will probably understand why you can't just go out on a whim but I think while you have the lifestyle you have, some drifting is inevitable if there is nothing you can change. Can you make some more horsey friends?

I honestly think it's just modern day life now. Trying to fit in everything around commitments. I have two jobs spanning seven days plus attend evening classes for higher education and literally any spare time I have has to be devoted to researching and writing assignments to meet deadlines. (And sleep!)
I honestly don't have time to do anything socially anymore and it's really hard for friends to understand that. (And I get that)
Ultimately I am doing it to better myself (and I am so proud of where I am compared to where I was) and so I try to focus on motivational material to reassure myself that I am doing the right thing - and I am convinced I am.

Its your life and you only get one shot at it. Better to live the life you choose than to have regrets. Those who matter will hopefully understand and support you and let you know they are beside you. ❤️

Your friends sound a bit needy and intense. They seem to think you shouldn’t have a life outside the friendship group. But that’s not fair! You’re not putting your hobby above your friends, you’re trying to have both, and there’s nothing wrong with that. True friends wouldn’t need to see you all the time, they’d understand. Of course you shouldn’t neglect the horses for a night at the pub! I think you need to talk to your friends and tell them what you’ve told us. And they maybe need to grow up a bit and be more empathetic. But don’t tell them that bit!

I knew it would be horses!! I’m the same OP and I’ve had them for 30 years (since I was 10).

It’s a way of life, NOT a hobby.

Did you not have horses when you met these friends OP?