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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please please help me, I’ve upset everyone

204 replies

neighfriends · 09/12/2022 21:11

I’ve pissed off my friends and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m really struggling and would appreciate any help..

For context, I’ve got a hobby/lifestyle that takes over a lot of my everyday life and that people outside of it might not understand how big a commitment it is. My friends don’t understand when I explain why I sometimes can’t go to something because of it, and why it means it’s so much harder to organise social things on top of work, family life and everything else. I don’t drone on and on about it to them as they’re not really interested behind being polite which is fair enough!

I love spending time with them, and I probably go to 50% of things organised and I see them when we’re working and studying- I want to spend more time with them but I feel like it’s impossible sometimes and I just have too much on. They clearly think I’m being flakey, and make excuses all the time and are being more and more distant with me and I feel so upset about it.

Also recently, as much as I love being social and going out and doing things with my friends, sometimes I feel so drained and exhausted and when it rolls around I feel like I’ve got 0% battery. It’s probably a combination of worrying about them being pissed off at me on top of other stresses and recent health problems I’ve had, but I just feel exhausted with it all.

I think they see me going to my hobby and thinking if I’m not too exhausted or busy to go there then why can’t I skip it sometimes and see them more often? But I’ve tried to explain to them that I can’t do that but they obviously think I’m making excuses

in my ideal world I would go to as many social events as I can (probably around half) and see my friends when we are working, studying and on our social media and so on. But it’s not just about me and I need to consider them too and the current situation is clearly making them pissed off with me.I just don’t know what to do for the best

for the record- once I’ve agreed to go to something I’ll always go unless it’s an emergency. I wouldn’t bail on them once I’ve agreed plans. Unfortunately though we were supposed to meet up earlier this week and I had to cancel last minute (emergency situation which I explained to them) which has just annoyed them even more.

They’re great friends and we’ve been friends for years so I don’t want to lose our friendship- we haven’t drifted and when we talk and spend time together it’s all completely normal! but I know they’re getting annoyed at me for constantly not attending things and they think I’m making excuses. I don’t want to upset them but I don’t know what to do. Has anyone else ever been in this situation and have any advice? Thanks in advance x

OP posts:

Jewel7 · 09/12/2022 21:56

It’s your time. You get to choose to spend it how you wish. If that means saying no that’s ok. If they don’t understand that’s their issue. But yes they might not like it. It sounds a pressured friendship.

GalwayShawl · 09/12/2022 21:57

I knew it was bloody horses 😂

Hawkins001 · 09/12/2022 22:00

I'm a mix at times with mine, sometimes I need time for my studies, then other times just to recharge and then do some reading of forensics and Egyptology. It's a mix and other times I try to socialise.

DPotter · 09/12/2022 22:01

Well I have lost a friend who was heavily committed to horse riding - not competition, just caring for and riding her horse. She choose to pull away in the end - her choice. Her hobby was / is very important to her. It made me sad and still does if I'm honest.

It's a balance - your job, your intensive hobby, your family and friends. Either you will make the choice or they will - neither is wrong, neither is right.

Have you ever just said - look plan it and if I can come I will ? Avoid trying to give dates / times, just tag along if / when you can. You will need to accept your friendships will only be able to stand so much distance

DuploMum · 09/12/2022 22:02

I thought it was bodybuilding!

Stick with your hobby and go to as many friends things as you can - otherwise you don't sound unreasonable at all. It is hard work sometimes but you do you!

Judgyjudgy · 09/12/2022 22:06

I think it's fine you have a hobby and can't always go to things if you have another commitment. One thing I wonder from your post, is a reason sometimes you don't go is because you're tired? That might be the actual issue. At the end of the day, the friendship probably will change, especially as you're all early 20s and people start to go their separate ways

SirVixofVixHall · 09/12/2022 22:10

I think your friends need to accept that you are a horsey person, you spend a lot of time with horses, and get over themselves frankly. Surely liking you means liking the type of person you are and that person has commitments? Heaven help them if you have a baby, if this is what they are like now.

katepilar · 09/12/2022 22:10

Your friends sound very immmature and demanding. I wouldnt try this hard to just please them. You arent doing anything wrong in my eyes.

iloveruby · 09/12/2022 22:13

neighfriends · 09/12/2022 21:28

i was going to keep it anonymous but seems a bit silly to only give half a story! It’s dressage. Sometimes I have lessons and training and other times I can’t go because I need to sort the horses, I can get cover or help if I have enough time but my friends don’t realise that if they message on the group chat about meeting at short notice, I won’t be able to immediately get cover and go because I still need to sort the horses x

I knew it was going to be horses 🤣🤣

As a fellow horse owner I feel your pain but you have a responsibility to make sure your horses are properly cared for and that does take a lot of time! Sounds like you just need more horsey friends 😉

iloveruby · 09/12/2022 22:16

janeeyreair · 09/12/2022 21:39

Dressage or anything to do with horses is more than a hobby, its more a lifestyle.

As long as you are not letting people down then surely its up to you what you attend.

If one of my friends decided to come to one event a year then thats fine by me, I wouldn't dream of passing comment.

Has someone actually said they are upset? I find that quite odd an adult would be upset because another adult friend didn't go to an event. Unless its a wedding etc and you promised you would attend but flaked at the last moment.

I can understand disappointment, but if someone is a true friend then they will be happy you have a hobby that you enjoy.

I sometimes have to remind my boyfriend that it is a lifestyle / commitment and not the equivalent of sitting in the pub! (Although I like that too).

Hobbitlover · 09/12/2022 22:19

As a horse owner myself (sjing), they come above meeting friends, it's not something you can pick & chose when to do it. My friends need to understand that they are living creatures that need my attention if they can't deal with that I'm afraid they aren't real friends

waltzingparrot · 09/12/2022 22:20

I expect your friends are feeling a bit used, because socialising with them is all on your terms, no compromises. I'm not saying that's wrong for you - you can prioritise your time as you want.

Floralnomad · 09/12/2022 22:21

The fact is that when you have your own horse / horses it’s not a hobby it’s a way of life and other things do have to go by the wayside a bit .

oop · 09/12/2022 22:22

Also knew this would be horses as soon as I read the post. I was in a similar situation in my late teens. Owning horses is a lifestyle and a responsibility but if you're not in that world people don't really get that so it can be very hard to explain why you don't have the same amount of free time and flexibility. I didn't lose any friends as such but I definitely felt that I became less close with the group of friends as I spent less time with them than the rest. But I decided that was ok for me it meant having the horse!
As others have said, it will ease as you get older and people naturally spend more time with partners, have children etc. Until then it sounds like you're doing the best you can. I found it helped to not "blame" the horse every time. I'd just say "ah sorry I can't do that day" and maybe suggest some other time I could do. If they asked why I'd obviously say but tried not to draw too much attention to it unnecessarily.

Shannith · 09/12/2022 22:23

I knew it was going to be horses. Fellow horse girl here.

Newmum0322 · 09/12/2022 22:25

i agree with a lot of other posters. Be proactive and make plans with them! That way it’s not you always flaking in their last minute plans

Lb603 · 09/12/2022 22:25

Ha ha ha, I read your thread and was thinking .... This must be a horsey girl.

Don't worry about it, most people probably just think of us as the weird horsey folk. But it's a great hobby. I do think it's hard for non horsey people to understand just how intense and time consuming It can be though.

I've still got my horse and 2 kids under 2, it's bloody mental and I hardly get to ride anymore but I show up and my horse is still treated like a princess...in return she likes to s**t in her water and feed buckets and run away every so often... Oh such fun.

WetLettuce2 · 09/12/2022 22:25

We all knew it would be horses !

Horses aren’t a hobby - they are lifestyle and an obsession. They’re borderline addictive, especially once you start down the competition road.

Other people just won’t get it OP 😁

WetLettuce2 · 09/12/2022 22:27

I also wonder if you feel money spent on non-horse related activities is a waste of resources (I do !).

Beautiful3 · 09/12/2022 22:28

Honestly I didn't realise how much hard work and a big commitment horses were. Until my mil and sil bought one. It took over all of their spare time. Going to the yard to clean out, ride, get them shod and ring the vets if they look unwell. They even had to move her to another stables, because of anxiety. If they wanted to go out at the weekend, they had to pay the stables, to bring her in and clean up. They became social hermits, but love that horse. Just enjoy the hobby. Perhaps suggest a date and times that suit you better, to the group for next time.

Lougle · 09/12/2022 22:29

Animals rely on us to care for them. We keep sheep. I spent my birthday dealing with flystrike - shaving maggoty fleece, washing their skin, applying flystrike treatment, zinc and spray, etc. It wasn't my ideal way to spend my birthday but that's life.

Dressage is what you do. Your friends need to accept that.

PointlessPoster · 09/12/2022 22:31

Fellow horse owner here you just need friends who are horsey then they will get it! For me it's not just a hobby - hobbies I've had AS WELL as being a horse owner have included camping and sewing, horse ownership for me is a fact of life, not "just" a hobby that I can pick up and put down as I please like cycling. If your friends don't get that maybe you should look for different ones. I don't come from a horsey background and my family still don't really get it although I've been doing it my whole life!

takealettermsjones · 09/12/2022 22:31

In the kindest way, your friends sound a bit mad. If you can't go, you can't go. I don't understand people getting mad at a declined invitation. As MN likes to say, it's not a summons.

They could obviously decide to invite you to fewer things, but that would make them unreasonable in my opinion, if they value you as a friend. I am the only person in my friendship group who has a child, so I am constantly declining invitations/suggestions because of childcare or other commitments. They are fine with it and they keep inviting me to things, because they are good friends.

That said, are you offering alternatives? That could soften the blow a bit. E.g. "I can't do that at 10am, but I could at 3pm?" or "I've got plans on Saturday, but could you do lunch on Sunday instead?" etc etc.

Treeeeeeee · 09/12/2022 22:35

neighfriends · 09/12/2022 21:28

There was nothing anonymous about your post - it screams 'i have horses'. It sounds like you just have different expectations and different amounts of time you can put towards a friendship. People either understand 'horse life' or they don't - it sounds like they don't and your relationship is naturally starting to drift apart

karmalama · 09/12/2022 22:35

You just need new friends
More mature accepting ones
Or more friends with horses.
It is a bit all consuming even if you are rubbish. I was expecting my first grandchild last week and told a fellow rider that I might pull out of a competition on Sunday if it was born and I could go and meet her. She said " my god, you'd skip dressage , do they know how honoured they are "

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