Please please help me, I’ve upset everyone

[neighfriends]

I’ve pissed off my friends and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m really struggling and would appreciate any help..

For context, I’ve got a hobby/lifestyle that takes over a lot of my everyday life and that people outside of it might not understand how big a commitment it is. My friends don’t understand when I explain why I sometimes can’t go to something because of it, and why it means it’s so much harder to organise social things on top of work, family life and everything else. I don’t drone on and on about it to them as they’re not really interested behind being polite which is fair enough!

I love spending time with them, and I probably go to 50% of things organised and I see them when we’re working and studying- I want to spend more time with them but I feel like it’s impossible sometimes and I just have too much on. They clearly think I’m being flakey, and make excuses all the time and are being more and more distant with me and I feel so upset about it.

Also recently, as much as I love being social and going out and doing things with my friends, sometimes I feel so drained and exhausted and when it rolls around I feel like I’ve got 0% battery. It’s probably a combination of worrying about them being pissed off at me on top of other stresses and recent health problems I’ve had, but I just feel exhausted with it all.

I think they see me going to my hobby and thinking if I’m not too exhausted or busy to go there then why can’t I skip it sometimes and see them more often? But I’ve tried to explain to them that I can’t do that but they obviously think I’m making excuses

in my ideal world I would go to as many social events as I can (probably around half) and see my friends when we are working, studying and on our social media and so on. But it’s not just about me and I need to consider them too and the current situation is clearly making them pissed off with me.I just don’t know what to do for the best

for the record- once I’ve agreed to go to something I’ll always go unless it’s an emergency. I wouldn’t bail on them once I’ve agreed plans. Unfortunately though we were supposed to meet up earlier this week and I had to cancel last minute (emergency situation which I explained to them) which has just annoyed them even more.

They’re great friends and we’ve been friends for years so I don’t want to lose our friendship- we haven’t drifted and when we talk and spend time together it’s all completely normal! but I know they’re getting annoyed at me for constantly not attending things and they think I’m making excuses. I don’t want to upset them but I don’t know what to do. Has anyone else ever been in this situation and have any advice? Thanks in advance x

Horses are more than a hobby, they’re a way of life. When I got my first horse my life changed totally, I was in bed by 21.00 every night so I could get up at 05.00 to muck out before work. I stopped drinking alcohol as I had to drive to the stables twice a day, and never had another holiday again, apart from the time I took my horse down to Devon for a fortnight! And of course they cost a fortune to keep, meaning there’s no money left for anything else.

This but simply put invite them to your events

I knew it's horses OP!

My daughter is into show jumping and it's absolutely taking over every minute of her life outside of school (and my life as well 🤦‍♀️). I'm actually sat here getting her show clothes clean for a competition tomorrow and she spent the whole evening riding and then cleaning her tack afterwards. Tomorrow she has to be at the yard at 6:30am 😳

To be honest, most of her closest friends are horsey teens and she very rarely does anything non-horsey with non-horsey people, as she never has time.

Fellow dressage rider here! My friends recognise the commitment the sport - and even just owning a horse - requires. They might not be horsey but they do understand that some things I can't attend due to competitions, training or just "I need to do the horses and I can't get cover".

True friends understand and it doesn't sound like these people are true friends.

Presumably you were into horses and dressage when you met them, so the fact you are spendingtime doing this hobby shouldn't be much of a surprise to them? But even if not, hate to say it, your friends sound quite immature. People go through all sorts in their lives whilst maintaining friendships - new careers, new families, moving away, illness, studying, death in the family and getting married to name a few. The amount of time and energy you can spend on the friendships will vary and change over time. Otherwise, you'd have to either never change your life, or else fall out with your friends and make new ones everytime you had more or less time spare! So don't feel guilty (I was getting a guilty vibe from your post).

I would try talking to your friends, but mainly just hang in there, if you are keen to stay in touch. Sooner or later (probably sooner), one or other of them will get an exciting opportunity to work / study abroad, or get a new girlfriend / boyfriend, and will reevaluate their stance on how often movie nights NEED to happen, with all friends in attendance!

Are you sure they are actually annoyed? Are you just being paranoid about it? You could be overthinking it but personally I think good friends wouldn’t make you feel bad for doing something that makes you happy!

I tried for years to keep up with old friends that had different expectations of social life than me (animals, then kids, that I had but they didn't made my time and priorities different to theirs).

I stopped bending over backwards to get to social stuff when I realised it was all one way traffic, and I slowly lost touch with them. I wasn't sorry when I got unceremoniously booted out of the group chat and looking back I wish I'd put less time and energy into trying to fit in in the first place just because it was supposedly the right thing to do.

Some of my now closest and most compatible friends are the ones who 'get' it and we all flake on each other fairly frequently for various reasons. We just make arrangements and then whoever can get there does and no judgement on anyone that doesn't. It's much easier!

You were so vague about your hobby I was expecting it to be something sketchy like a dominatrix. 😂

Sorry guys I have to cancel plans. I’ve got a gimp to whip into submission! 🤣

Radical idea i know, but have you thought of inviting them to come and see what you are doing?
That might give them a better idea of why you can't always drop things to meet up.
You could fill a few a flasks with tea/coffee, get some scones and cakes and give them a demo and maybe a ride on a pony.

There’s no shame in prioritising your hobby. You don’t owe anyone a specific amount of you. However, this more ‘casual’ approach to friendships may not suit some of the people in your life and it’s ok for your friends to opt out too.

Between your username and the description it kinda had to be horses 😂.

It's a tricky one because there's so, so much 'prep' involved with competing horses, and then the basic day to day care that has to be done, you can't just put off going to the stables for a day to go out without some organisation and sometimes it's not possible to organise their care through someone else and it can't just not be done.
But I'd expect friends who've been around for a while to understand this tbh and be a bit annoyed with them if they didn't, horses are animals and they need care, and I'd be really unimpressed with a friend of mine that neglected their horse, or any animal, to go out for social occasions. They wouldn't be the person I thought they were if they did that.
As others have suggested, could you invite them to a competition or something? (Maybe not in winter because comp venues for horses, as most horsey people know, are the coldest places on earth during winter 🤣) but invite them to watch your test and then have a picnic afterwards while you wait for the results? I get they probably won't want to do it that often because even as an ex dressage competitor, I found watching 30 of the same test boring and I knew what I was looking at!
I think it's part of the reason horsey people hang around together, people not involved don't understand the demands horses place on your spare time, or indeed understand how good they are at getting sick or injured usually always as you're going out and always out of vet office hours!
The friends I have, have in the past sacked the night out, and sat in a stable on colic watch with me because they've all got horses of their own, and I've done the same for them.

You know what makes you happy. As others have said, horses aren’t a hobby, they are far more embedded in your life than what a hobby would suggest.
Quite frankly, your friends sound immature to me, and far too demanding. Stop stressing yourself, and don’t apologise for not making it every time your group goes out, pick the ones that you can easily do, not try and cram everything in.

True understanding friends will not be worried about this, they would want you there, but understand you have have other commitments. Your horses won’t wait. Once your friends have absorbing commitments of their own, like children or looking after elderly relatives, they won’t be so bitchy about yours.

You definitely need either to explain to your friends what is involved, if they don’t get it, shrug, and move on. More horsey friends would be good too!

You sound lovely, but don’t let your friends dictate what you do with your time,or what makes you happy.

It sounds idyllic when you say it, but in reality all my non-horsey friends and my parents absolutely HATED being in the cold/mud watching my daughter ride, even when there was cake and coffee involved 😂 It's a bit of an acquired taste.

You are allowed to have hobbies/be busy and still have friends.
Good friends would also support your interests because they love you and want the best for you.
You don't have to be available for all social occasions.
If your friends really are upset, they need to think about this, and also not arrange meet ups at short notice.

My daughter is 15. Her group of friends includes a horse rider, she does show jumping and has her own horse. She never goes to social events. All of the friendship group have just accepted that's how it is. "Emma doesn't do social events" that's it, no question, no annoyance.

If they get it at 15 can't see why your friends don't tbh.

If you have a horse and compete it is very time consuming. Do you really want to go out all the time to lunches etc and talk to people who have no interest or understanding in what you do?

but in reality all my non-horsey friends and my parents absolutely HATED being in the cold/mud watching my daughter ride, even when there was cake and coffee involved 😂 It's a bit of an acquired taste.

You have hit the nail on the head there. DD's childhood friend doesn't get that non horsey people find watching horse events rather dull.

I'm still friends with her mum, but we don't socialise as much as we used to mainly due to work commitments. I accept that owning horses is a time vampire and I'm always delighted to see her when she has a spare half hour.

One thing though - they always smell of horses and I'm always picking up bits of hay off the floor after they have been to my house

Hahaha! In my head the word hobby even in real life will mean dogging now. Cheers😂

You don't have to struggle with the feelings of the situation. Your hobby is important to you and part of you living your meaningful life. You don't have to change that or apologise for that. You could talk more about it though. Your friends are also important to you and you want to see them. Let go of feeling responsible for their feelings. Initiate some contact and some meet ups. Be clear and unapologetic about what you can't do. Work out how you get a healthy balance so that you are not exhausted.

I knew it would involve horses. And that's ok. They are a big commitment but they are living creatures with physical and emotional needs, so you can't ignore that when planning your social life. It's not like you are blowing off your friends for jigsaw puzzles.

I empathise with you. Horses/animals are like you say, a lifestyle, and so they should be. If you do make efforts for your friends, which it sounds like you do, they should recognise that and appreciate it. However if your friends are not familiar with that way of life they might not get it. Why don’t you do something to show them how much you do care about them and plan an evening - perhaps a girl’s night in with a takeaway? Might be easier than arranging a night out and being there on time! Can you get food delivered where you live? If it’s your night and you show you’ve thought about them individually it might be good

Also! I made a suggestion, but please don’t worry about this too much. We can hear that you’re a thoughtful person, and friends really should encourage each other in their passions and interests. Not necessarily show interest n them! But be pleased and positive for you 👍👍👍👍

I’m wondering if you’re feeling a bit guilty about missing stuff and overthinking slightly. It sounds as if you have legitimate reasons for managing time in the way you do. I suggest being as honest and upfront as you can with your group of friends and making the effort where you can.

If the friends are long term, did you not already have horses when you met them? Or is the competing newer?

When I had horses, I didn’t really ever do anything else. All my friends had horses too. I wonder now how I ever managed to fit it all in, horses are absolutely a lifestyle rather than a hobby IMO. They don’t always live where you do and need a huge amount of care and time.

I now compete with my dogs and although that is somewhat easier, friends don’t understand how seriously I take it or the commitment it requires. Not least because unless you’re involved it in, it probably seems boring, which I would imagine is how people would feel about dressage. If I’m honest, my hobby is ultimately more important to me than friends and I do prioritise it, but it makes me happy…

You are telling them that your hobby is more important then they are to you, and they are something you fit in when you can. That is not going to be sustainable for long, people will not be willing to give energy to someone who does not reciprocate. Not saying that you should give up your hobby, but I think their feelings are understandable.