Please please help me, I’ve upset everyone

[neighfriends]

I’ve pissed off my friends and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m really struggling and would appreciate any help..

For context, I’ve got a hobby/lifestyle that takes over a lot of my everyday life and that people outside of it might not understand how big a commitment it is. My friends don’t understand when I explain why I sometimes can’t go to something because of it, and why it means it’s so much harder to organise social things on top of work, family life and everything else. I don’t drone on and on about it to them as they’re not really interested behind being polite which is fair enough!

I love spending time with them, and I probably go to 50% of things organised and I see them when we’re working and studying- I want to spend more time with them but I feel like it’s impossible sometimes and I just have too much on. They clearly think I’m being flakey, and make excuses all the time and are being more and more distant with me and I feel so upset about it.

Also recently, as much as I love being social and going out and doing things with my friends, sometimes I feel so drained and exhausted and when it rolls around I feel like I’ve got 0% battery. It’s probably a combination of worrying about them being pissed off at me on top of other stresses and recent health problems I’ve had, but I just feel exhausted with it all.

I think they see me going to my hobby and thinking if I’m not too exhausted or busy to go there then why can’t I skip it sometimes and see them more often? But I’ve tried to explain to them that I can’t do that but they obviously think I’m making excuses

in my ideal world I would go to as many social events as I can (probably around half) and see my friends when we are working, studying and on our social media and so on. But it’s not just about me and I need to consider them too and the current situation is clearly making them pissed off with me.I just don’t know what to do for the best

for the record- once I’ve agreed to go to something I’ll always go unless it’s an emergency. I wouldn’t bail on them once I’ve agreed plans. Unfortunately though we were supposed to meet up earlier this week and I had to cancel last minute (emergency situation which I explained to them) which has just annoyed them even more.

They’re great friends and we’ve been friends for years so I don’t want to lose our friendship- we haven’t drifted and when we talk and spend time together it’s all completely normal! but I know they’re getting annoyed at me for constantly not attending things and they think I’m making excuses. I don’t want to upset them but I don’t know what to do. Has anyone else ever been in this situation and have any advice? Thanks in advance x

It's my hobby, so your hopes have been realised. Don't tell anyone, though.

Wow, what a nasty person you are.

She needs to try a bit of dogging. It might cheer her up.

To be fair, a lot of people at the beginning of the thread were asking what the hobby was.

Well, someone called @neighfriends has started a thread… what do they THINK it is? That it’s actually about dairy farming but she didn’t want to call it @ moofriends or we’d all know?

I can relate to this.

I have anxiety, depression and autism, though, so in my case it’s literally a seesaw - I want to go out and socialise but I can’t cope all the time.

But I CAN cope with going out to do a hobby or whatever that I do on my own. Because that’s not nearly the same pressure as socialising.

I don’t know if you have any anxiety issues around socialising - you want to, but you can’t always cope - but IF you do, then there are a lot of people who can relate to you. Trust me.

And it doesn’t make you a monster.

If you do have some sort of anxiety issue (even if you’ve never been formally diagnosed, you know how you FEEL), you could do some research about anxiety so you can explain it to them using those terms - there’s no guarantee they’ll get it, of course, but they might - it’s a different angle for them to think about that you haven’t tried to explain before.

Bottom line is, you dont suit the group as things stand.

Haha 😂 Our house always has bits of hey on the floor regardless how much I sweep🙈and the horse smell on clothes is again a but if an acquired taste 🤣🤦‍♀️

bit of an acquired taste*

Cracking up laughing as reading the first post I was like “It’s either horses or Ashtanga and she’s not mentioned not drinking so defo the horses” 😂.

I was where you are and people sometimes just don’t get it and if I’m honest you sound very committed and maybe some of these folk aren’t your tribe. Having been there the real friends stick with through thick and thin, wake you up at the end when you fall asleep in the cinema five minutes into the movie and save you lunch when you go to stay and fall asleep when you go to brush your teeth after breakfast and wake up five hours later. The others fall away. Go with your heart, smile and apologise and do the bits you can and want to. Good luck with both of your careers 😁 x

Are they your parents or your friends?!?!? Quite honestly I couldn’t do with needy demanding friends like that, I have a life and it doesn’t revolve around them. It may be time to put your foot down!

One thing though - they always smell of horses and I'm always picking up bits of hay off the floor after they have been to my house

Ha ha! I’m reminded of the friend of my ex who came to stay with us for a few nights, who had eczema and asthma. Picking her up from the station in my horsey car set her off immediately, and then the bits of hay and horse hair in my house nearly killed her! And all I felt was irritation and scorn for her “weakness”, as I saw it.

I honestly think the horsies are very lucky here and if your friends don't understand they don't understand that you have a devotion here not just a hobby

Your lifestyle and your friends' don't match up unfortunately.
My hobby is music and that's another one that can end up taking over completely. Years ago my friends back then used to have cinema night every Monday when I had orchestra practice so I could never go with them. Then there would be practices with other groups on other nights of the week and various concerts and events. And you can't just skive off practices when you feel like it because your friends want to go out that evening.
This meant that over the years friendship groups have sadly disappeared and I've ended up in a situation where my only friends are through music. That's a problem in itself because music groups can be really bitchy. During the pandemic when most things got cancelled I realized I had fuck all friends other than in music and that those friendships were in fact superficial. Play music together, have a laugh at the break and go to the pub afterwards, but none of it was real friendship

So I do think you have to take a hard look at what you really want because hobbies with a commitment such as music or dressage where a team is relying on you and which require additional work in your own time (practising in my case or mucking out horses and taking them to the vet in yours) do wreck havoc on your social life. And after a while you will find that the group basically just slowly ditches you. You could concentrate on building up friendships with other horsey people who understand or you could keep trying to get your other friends to understand that you still want to spend time with them but that it isn't always that easy.

I knew your hobby would be horses. It's a lifestyle,you can't just put them in a cupboard when you aren't competing,like a badminton racket and I'd hope that your friends would understand this.
We have horses,plus a farm and animals and their welfare come first. No one gets fed or watered until the animals are,so I completely understand your position. Adding competing into the mix makes life even harder as we've found that you can spend hours training ect,then the day before,the horse throws a shoe,trailer lights fail, or something else out of your control goes awry and you miss out. So when the stars align and you can actually get out and about,of course you need to make the most of it.
I'd suggest making some new,horsy friends who will understand the work that goes into owning horses.
I feel your pain as I don't even ride,but lost two hours tonight hauling water ,hay and straw down to the field for my daughters,as the pipes had frozen so no water for 3 horses unless we moved it by hand.

Gosh, yes, it’s only when you have to lug huge water containers a few hundred yards up a snowy hill to the stables that you realise just how much horses drink!

Haven't RTFT but your friends sound like they're being obtuse if they can't understand horses are a huge time and energy commitment that you can't just drop. It's not like you're blowing them off to play tiddlywinks (with apologies to any tiddlywinks fans out there 😁)

But also: friends (most of the time, anyway) are supposed to give you a lift and make you feel good. It doesn't sound like you're getting that from these particular friends.

Horses aren't really a hobby. Hobbies are optional and can be moved around for friends. Horses are a constant commitment. Tbh it's why horsey people are friends with other horsey people.
Maybe it would help if you were clear about when you can be available (notwithstanding emergencies) rather than them suggesting dates/times/events and you having to tell them every time you can't make it. If your friends are important to you (and it sounds as though they are) then look at your horse commitments, all your other commitments and be clear about what time you can contribute eg the last Wed of every month. Also, if you're happy for them to keep you company at the stables or for them to attend events then tell them that too ie they have an open invite to come along and chat to you whilst you're with your horses.

I honestly can't see what your issue is.

You have a full on past time, which involves keeping high maintenance animals alive.

Most friends will understand and know you can't come out as much.

From what you have written, they haven't even said anything awful /bitchy to you. This is all in your head.

If you feel really guilty organise 2 get togethers a year or something like that

I totally get where you are coming from. I have 3 ponies, I don't do competitions but they are not on a livery yard. This means I hsve to go twice a day, every day. I've got used to the eye rolls from friends and family now. I can't just pack them away like a set of golf clubs when it suits. Dont apologise for it. It's your way of life.

That's a problem in itself because music groups can be really bitchy.

That happens in the horse world as well. My friend and her DD have moved stables several times, and many of their horsey "friends" have been temporary.

I realise just how much horse owners must love their horses when they are happy to go out twice a day in this weather. Nothing bar a dire emergency would get me out of the house to a cold stable on a cold dark early morning or evening.

Honestly it sounds like maybe most of your friends don't have an awful lot of responsibilities yet, whereas you do (I know you describe it as a hobby, but you do have to care for the horses too . If they think you are flaky because your horse got sick, they are being unreasonable - I've cancelled plans or taken time off work to take the dog to the vet before - there isn't another option 🤷‍♀️) Thinks will likely change over time as you get older, in the meantime, you've just gotta do what works for you. Friendships can be more about just going out & getting dinner etc though. You could check in with them through message/phonecalls etc more often?

Totally. Horsey people are usually not people people 😆 You have to have VERY tough skin

Life is not a dress rehearsal. This is the real thing. Be happy doing your hobby and love your horses like your family, which I’m sure you do. If your friends are truly good and true friends they would be happy for you and share the joy you get from your hobby. If they don’t want too it’s their choice to miss out on having you as their friend. Do what you know makes you smile and give the time you can to your friends when you can. A good friend will support you being happy.

Most people won’t prioritise a friend who isn’t prioritising them, this is how friendships fade I’m sorry to say.

I think @Baconsprouts has a point. The friends will feel that they are a low priority. DD did when her friend acquired a horse. She felt replaced because the friend didn't just spend the time that was needed with her horse, she spent all of her spare time with it.

Sorry but I'm passionately against dressage. It is incredibly cruel & stressful to the animals, so I'm bowing out.