Please please help me, I’ve upset everyone

[neighfriends]

I’ve pissed off my friends and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m really struggling and would appreciate any help..

For context, I’ve got a hobby/lifestyle that takes over a lot of my everyday life and that people outside of it might not understand how big a commitment it is. My friends don’t understand when I explain why I sometimes can’t go to something because of it, and why it means it’s so much harder to organise social things on top of work, family life and everything else. I don’t drone on and on about it to them as they’re not really interested behind being polite which is fair enough!

I love spending time with them, and I probably go to 50% of things organised and I see them when we’re working and studying- I want to spend more time with them but I feel like it’s impossible sometimes and I just have too much on. They clearly think I’m being flakey, and make excuses all the time and are being more and more distant with me and I feel so upset about it.

Also recently, as much as I love being social and going out and doing things with my friends, sometimes I feel so drained and exhausted and when it rolls around I feel like I’ve got 0% battery. It’s probably a combination of worrying about them being pissed off at me on top of other stresses and recent health problems I’ve had, but I just feel exhausted with it all.

I think they see me going to my hobby and thinking if I’m not too exhausted or busy to go there then why can’t I skip it sometimes and see them more often? But I’ve tried to explain to them that I can’t do that but they obviously think I’m making excuses

in my ideal world I would go to as many social events as I can (probably around half) and see my friends when we are working, studying and on our social media and so on. But it’s not just about me and I need to consider them too and the current situation is clearly making them pissed off with me.I just don’t know what to do for the best

for the record- once I’ve agreed to go to something I’ll always go unless it’s an emergency. I wouldn’t bail on them once I’ve agreed plans. Unfortunately though we were supposed to meet up earlier this week and I had to cancel last minute (emergency situation which I explained to them) which has just annoyed them even more.

They’re great friends and we’ve been friends for years so I don’t want to lose our friendship- we haven’t drifted and when we talk and spend time together it’s all completely normal! but I know they’re getting annoyed at me for constantly not attending things and they think I’m making excuses. I don’t want to upset them but I don’t know what to do. Has anyone else ever been in this situation and have any advice? Thanks in advance x

They’re being completely unreasonable if it involves care of a living creature!

although from your posts I can’t see where you’ve said they’ve actually called you out on this. Is it all in your head and your being a little paranoid and feeling guilty as you’d like to spend more time with them.

That's how DD felt when her school friend kept flaking on her when she wanted to spend time with her horse. DD had a halloween party one year and had invited the friend. The friend said that she would rather spend halloween with her horse. She could have fitted in horse duties around the party if she had wanted to go.

DD stopped inviting her to things after that.

They never fell out about it and have always remained friendly though, but don't socialise.

Horses aren't a hobby, they're a lifestyle and a massive commitment. Yanbu.

YANBU. Animals are nicer than most people. Sounds like you get a lot of joy from yours.

Do your friends ever come to watch you compete? Do they congratulate you when you do well or is everything on their terms?

🤣

Ive got three horses and people do seem really surprised that you have to feed them everyday "EVEN CHRISTMAS DAY" is the common response. Luckily they are now at home and it's easier (we'll sort of).

Most of my friends are horsey though so that makes life easier.

Well, yes - of course the welfare of living animals is more important than OP attending a film night, or having a sleepover, or going for drinks, lol.

Horses are more than a hobby - they're a lifestyle. They're a huge commitment - both in terms of time and money. I ride weekly but there's no way I could make the commitment to owning my own. Unless you can afford full livery, they're a full-time commitment - twice a day, everyday, come rain or shine - to feed, muck out, bring in, turn out, put rugs on, tack up, ride...plus organising farrier visits, vet checks, the dentist, and turning up when they've colicked at 2am or have cut themselves on a fence post.

If OP does dressage, the horses also need to be ridden regularly and styled appropriately - you can't just turn them out and leave them to it. They need regular exercise and maintenance.

Honestly, if people are going to get snotty because you're putting the welfare of your animals first, they're not great friends IMO.

I knew it would be horses. My dd did a similar thing competing for a dressage stable , bringing them on etc.
she had to absolutely commit and sometimes slept there.
its quite common situation in the horse world
this meant she missed out on school things and 6 th form things . And it affected relationships as she had to be at the stables so most relationships were atbthe stable .
she had to give itnup at uni.
some people give it up and others maintain.
i would say that this is not really a hobby .. its a commitment and a way of life ( as was it for dd and i ) maybe your friends dont it .. i would tell them about how ot feels and is rather than a hobby .
its oike work . Hard loveky work ! Like you have two jobs . Id almost describe it as yr second job to them .. they may get it ? Because it is .
is there anything they are passionate about that may help them to get it !?
i would also say that a lot of people yr age can feel burn out at this stage .. like insaid some pack it in as it becomes too much at stage of life .. and do occasional hacks eyc others .. it becomes a way of life . .. i get it x

@neighfriends anyone who has worked around horses would understand this priority. I know you said they’re not interested, but a lot of that is down to not knowing or understanding. Could you invite them to come and look around etc? Not all at once. And if you were an athlete in training they’d be more understanding. Yes it would still be frustrating sometimes but they’d realise you can’t pick and choose when animals have to be looked after. They could turn into your biggest fans, or, you will realise it’s not you that is the problem.

Firstly it's not of your business what anyone thinks of you, once you get your head around that life becomes a lot easier. Secondly can you set a night once a month to meet friends for a pub meal/drink. I've been doing this for over ten years with ex work colleagues, we meet one Tuesday a month and set the next months date as we finish the meal. Obviously not everyone can meet every month but it's always planned and in the diary x

Unfortunately it's impossible for non-horsey people to understand just HOW MICH time horses take up. It's truly insane how much time my daughter spends at the yard every single day rain or shine, regardless of how much she has to do for school or what parties are on etc. She has to go, it's not optional most of the time. And there was probably a competition on at Holloween.

HOW MUCH*

Halloween*

You are right about horse ownership being time consuming. No there wasn't a competition that Halloween. This was a school day evening. The horse was new to her so she just wanted to spend all her spare time with it.

She and her mum used to spend far more time than was needed just to care for the horse though, and this is why the marriage broke up.

Ah, I guessed it might be horses! Unfortunately this time of year really sucks. I've only got two and mucking out, dealing with frozen pipes and fields is just exhausting. Unfortunately I'm probably not going to help if I mention by the time you are over 40, add a professional job, husband and children to the mix, you may well live your life like a hermit! Going anywhere is a military operation and the cost of a freelance groom, so I get it.....it's tough.

But, you do you. Do the horses make you happy or does the competing make you happy? I loves mine and he has all the dressage capability of a tinned haggis.... If you are really exhausted it doesn't necessarily hurt for horses (and riders) to have a bit of a holiday, take the pressure off and pick up in the spring? If you are still loving it all then by all means crack on?

You are also, so young. I think at this age friends (unrealistically) expect to be the priority. But friends come and go, especially once children start appearing. Those who you truly connect with will stay in your life for decades and love you despite your horse obsession!! 😂

Yep, that's horses - they generally take hours of your time, every single day. Unless you have the money to pay for full livery (or have your horses living out at home), they are a huge time drain, especially in the winter months.

I'm sure there was an element of "new pet = excitement" but you can't just opt out of horses once you have them. They need daily visits, mucking out, turning out and bringing in. Their fields need picking, they need grooming and riding on a regular basis to keep them fit and sound. Then there's vet checks, farriers, dentists - it's expensive and takes a long time, especially if you're a novice and don't have much experience.

You need to shift the view of horses being a hobby to that of them being a lifestyle choice - very much life having children or a dog.

People who don’t have horses don’t get it. And why would they? What sane person pays hundreds of pounds a month down the drain to look after an animal whilst hoping to god when you turn up it’s in a collaborative mood and hasn’t tried to kill or hurt itself. All to win a rosette now and again.

vents in winter equestrian

You need to shift the view of horses being a hobby to that of them being a lifestyle choice - very much life having children or a dog.

I agree, and I agree that non horse owners don't get it, or they get fed up with being second to a horse (friend's ex DH). Any animal needs a level of commitment, which is why we no longer have pets as we are just not prepared to have that tie any more (even though I adore cats). Nothing can be spontaneous and everything has to be planned ahead.

And this is why horse owners tend to have horsey friends almost exclusively.

Most people won’t prioritise a friend who isn’t prioritising them, this is how friendships fade I’m sorry to say.

It's hilarious that you didn't know everyone would recognise a horse girl :)

The best you can do is to explain the demands that horses are and apologise. But I would be surprised if you are able to maintain these friendships.

Eh, I see this as part and parcel of growing up really.
Your lives will become fuller and you’ll have less time for one another as you keep on through your 20s, eventually they’ll understand as they get into the same position, but by then you’ll likely be less involved and probably only invited to big things like birthdays/weddings etc whereas they’ll still invite each other for catch ups as they ‘hung on’ for longer.
I wouldn’t mourn it too much, you’ll find friends who are also up to their eyeballs in commitments as you get older and when you do meet up it’ll be brilliant and an enjoyable release, and most importantly you won’t feel guilty.

I think the hobby is ice skating, but the op also has horses. For a moment I thought I knew you, but the person I am thinking of is much older.

I sympathise. All my life, I've had a job that other people including friends, think of as a hobby, which I know is different from your situation, but the results have been the same. Because essentially, it's an obsession, something I love, and when push comes to shove, even though I love my friends, it takes priority. I have a good friend whose interest is the same as yours and I've always understood her. It is something she MUST do. Don't feel bad about it. But perhaps when you have more friends with the same interests things will become easier. I have friends who totally understand because they have the same commitment to something, and friends who are friends because we like each other. The older you grow the more people seem to understand and make allowances, as long as you're there for them when they really need you.

Dressage? Lol I go trainspotting and if people don’t like it, tough 😂😂😂

You poor poor darling, this is an absolutely dreadful predicament to be in. Thoughts and prayers