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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

need to vent my spleen

22 replies

bunnyhunny · 26/01/2008 12:27

so we agreed that dh would be going out on saturday evening and coming back on sunday morning. then the thing he was going to got cancelled and he decided to go to his brothers instead. ok so far.

but he decided to leave at 12, not late afternoon as we had previously agreed, so he can go out and take some photos beforehand. still ok, but getting a bit annoyed now.

he has left me with a messy house - clothes everywhere, washing needing putting away and /or hanging out, a pile of dirty dishes not to mention the remnants of last night - a dog that needs walking, and a load of shopping that needs doing. he isn't sure he will make it back in time for ds's swimming in the morning, and he has a party in the afternoon so we can't postpone it til then. so I will probably take him on my own (ds is 1, so that'll be fun!) AND he left me with no cigarettes.

he said I was moaning, as he had let me have a lie in (we take it in turns for a lie in at the weekend, I usually get sunday morning and he has saturday morning), but he will get his lie in tomorrow round his brothers!!

aibu to expect him to at least leave me without a whole host of housework that needs doing if he is staying out overnight?

OP posts:
chocchipcookie · 26/01/2008 12:58

I am struggling to take this in. Basically he wants to b**er off for most of the w/end, not one 'evening'.

I would ask him to call it off. Or tell him to?

WinkyWinkola · 26/01/2008 12:59

Or next weekend, off you go for lovely 36 hours away by yourself.

LucyJones · 26/01/2008 13:01

couldn't you all have gone to his rother's for lunch or something?
What's he goig to do, watch the footie and drink lager!!

VictorianSqualor · 26/01/2008 13:17

I think it's unreasonable to agree to him doing it then being annoyed about it, you should've said no when eh was still there.

I would probably have said to dp 'I've got no problem with you doing this but before you go I need this this and this doing'.

posieflump · 26/01/2008 13:18

oh I always do that though... be allmagnamious at the time and say 'yes dear tat will be fine' and then when the time comes have a major strop

chocchipcookie · 26/01/2008 13:21

You are allowed to change your mind. Call him and ask him to come home!

VictorianSqualor · 26/01/2008 13:22

Ah well, then it's tough
I'd leave certain things for him to when he got back.
Shove all the washing in a basket, that's his job for when he gets home, do the shopping online and do the washing up, not that much to do then, oh and I'd treat myself to wine and a takeaway tonight.

rookiemater · 26/01/2008 13:23

Let him go and then do it to him next weekend. No point in spoiling his weekend now he is gone.

WanderingTrolley · 26/01/2008 13:27

OK, well.....not on to leave his mess for you to tidy up, but as long as you get 24hours away with a mate in turn, I don't see a huge problem, tbh. If this is a regular occurrence, that's different.

CI'm with VictorianSqualor - call a mate over for the evening, or put your pjs on and watch a cheesy film.

And leave as much as you can bear of his mess, for him to deal with tomorrow afternoon.

Psychomum5 · 26/01/2008 13:37

ah vent away.

my DH has done this lots over the years, and it now gets to be a standing joke that I will vent when he goes off!

there is one thing I do do tho now, to save lots of ranting on my part.....

as and when he is dues to go off for time away, I make a list of things to be done first. he has to tick off and actually DO), at least half of the jobs, and then* pay me for being alone with money for take-away AND wine.

works rather well I find, and altho I still rant, I at least rant on a full belly and with a happy head.

VictorianSqualor · 26/01/2008 13:40

Lol Psychomum, I'm the same, if DP wants to go out he can do (he only ever goes for a few hours at a time) but I expect chocolate and wine, and depending on what time he comes home food when he gets in or money left for food.

Psychomum5 · 26/01/2008 13:44

oh yes......chocolate is also needed

Original poster
bunnyhunny · 26/01/2008 13:47

vistorian - i did ask him to do some jobs before he went, or to leave later so I can do them while he looks after ds (remember he was only going to leave from late afternoon before, not go at 12), but he said I always moan at him before he goes out (hmm, wonder why), and that he wouldnt have time to do his stuff if he helped. we had a barney, and he left.

psycho - excellent idea. I think we will have a big discussion when he gets back.

i would go out and leave him with ds for the evening, but whenever he does the morning shift, I am always woken up by ds wailing. e.g. this morning he shut the front room door on him while he answered the door to the postie. considering ds is at the separation anxiety stage, there is only 1 outcome to that, and that is crying. or he will insist on getting him dressed before he gives him the milk, when ds just wants his bottle then you can so what you like to him.

OP posts:
VictorianSqualor · 26/01/2008 13:56

Well, if he didnt do his jobs then he has to do them when he gets back, and next time he wont be going.

Psychomum5 · 26/01/2008 13:57

oh hey bunnyhunny.....my excellent idea comes from many years of learning (and the 5 kiddies causing stress had an imput too).

ranting and venting is good for the soul, as is wine, chinese (or takeaway of choice), and chocolate (thanks for the reminder VS).

and as for him not doing the morning shift to the same standards as you (don't forget, men are never quite as perfect as us), he'll get there and learn.....esecially if you ignore him completely while baby is crying. I have had to learn this trick, and altho it is extremely hard listening to your DC crying, it is normally only because they are aware that mummy isn't there and the care is 'different', rather than because of anything awful going on!

deep breath for today, and if you can possibly to it, leave some of the mess for him to help you with do alone tomorrow

Original poster
bunnyhunny · 26/01/2008 14:04

unfortunately the dog won't wait til tomorrow, nor will the load of ds's clothes in the washing machine or his nappies. And I am not sure I can put up with the mess til then either .

but the take away, wine and chocolates is a good idea.

Next time there will be a list of chores.

And you are right 12 sat til 3 sunday isn't a night out, it's a weekend out. right, off to sort out a girly night out somewhere...

OP posts:
VictorianSqualor · 26/01/2008 14:10

Do not get me started on the morning shift.
I am pg atm and sleeping terribly, so DP gets up at the weekend to allow me a lie in (for some reason I sleep better in the morning, think baby is less active) but he leaves the kids in their rooms and comes and sits on the PC, so it's not like they are quiet, or he is watching them, and I always get up and ask if theyve had breakfast, which they never have.

Psychomum is right though, it's just different care, but it;s hard to sleep when you can hear them.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 26/01/2008 14:10

If DS is 1 he's not going to care - or even KNOW - that he's missed swimming. If it's going to be a huge inconvenience (assume you're juggling other other kids? Or is it one of the others that are having a planned swimming lession?) then skip it this week.

Oh and stop smoking. That's that problem solved.

Original poster
bunnyhunny · 26/01/2008 14:16

I think I was looking forward to swimming tbh - I love swimming, and don't do much exercise anymore. Wish the stopping smoking was as easy as that - tried already this year, but started again after a massive barney (again!).

Vitorian - yes, it is hard to sleep when you can hear them crying downstairs. dh used to sit on his pc too when doing the morning shift, but has stopped that now. At least if I am not in the house I can't hear it (but I will worry instead!)

OP posts:
ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 26/01/2008 14:19

I'm horribly unsympathetic about smoking - for which I apologise! - but well done for trying to stop.. do keep trying

I always find that I can't get any actual swimming done with a young child in tow.. you could try to arrange with DH as a way to get yourself some regular "me time". Some pools do cheaper "early bird" swimming for adults only.

eandh · 26/01/2008 20:41

Totally agree that it is SO annoying when they change the timeframe, dh does this says I am going at 7.30 but the suddendly he is ready at 6pm as he needs to walk to so and so's house then walk into town etc means I have to do bedtime to dd's and dd1 gets upset because Daddy gone out (if I go out I always leave after bedtime saves alot of tears)

Also agree it is a long time away, he'll only see DS for a few hours tomorrow afternoon/night (although if like my dh one night out = one day hangover and fairly bloody miserable and moody so will be as useful as a chocolate teapot)

Have a big bar of chocolate, watch some shit tv and then get an early night and arrange your 36 hours away from the house to stay at your mates house (ensuring the same anount of mess is left at home!)

katwith3kittens · 26/01/2008 22:42

Men.... I dont think they realise how annoying they are even when they are not trying to be !

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