Childcare fallen through so can’t make DB’s child free wedding

[LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet]

My brother lives 350 miles away and is getting married tomorrow. Children aren’t invited - it’s been a nightmare trying to organise childcare for 3 full days (have to stay at least 2 nights because of distance) for my 2 kids in the summer holidays but we roped in BIL and SIL who thankfully had the days free and veryl kindly agreed to have them.

BIL found out yesterday that he has COVID! So we not can’t send them. He’s quite unwell with it as well apparently.

I told my brother today that we can’t come as we just cannot find anyone else at short notice to look after the kids for 2 nights. It’s a big ask of anyone!

He’s really pissed off with me and has asked if I can send them anyway as isolation rules etc are essentially redundant now. I’ve said no I’m it asking them to do that. Especially because we go on holiday next week and don’t want the kids taking COVID to Turkey with them. Was IBU to say no? I think if you ask people to make a 700 mile round trip for their wedding without their kids being invited you risk things falling through and this happening

Christ op, you are getting harsh responses on here.

You can't go: the only way you could is if he allows your DC but he won't so that's that.

Don't let anyone on here guilt you otherwise. It's just one of those things.

I'd be really annoyed at his attitude though.

Or you all travel together and DH has the kids while you attend and he takes them out and has a mini holiday.?

I’m hoping all the suggestions of flights and taxis and swapping hotel rooms are just a bit naive and that posters haven’t really thought through the hundreds of pounds you’re expected to pay on top of what you’ll have already spent on clothes, gifts etc

Otherwise there’s some depressingly out of touch posters on here who haven’t noticed the cost of living crisis. Certainly for me any of those options would be put on cost alone, let alone the extra time, cost and hassle of trying to arrange flights, get to an airport or pay for a family sized room etc

Your DB took the risk that you couldn’t come by excluding your DC from the invitation - he has no right to be pissed off.

I honestly think there’s something inside me missing… a few ‘important’ people couldn’t make my wedding. Yes, I was disappointed, but it’s really no big deal.

They seem to regret it 11 years later and I literally don’t give a toss.

And why does someone else getting married obligate you to a long uncomfortable journey with a tight timeframe?

If you have a child free wedding some people just won’t come because of that.

OP - he needs to suck up his irritation. You were going, now you can’t owing to unfortunate circumstances. It’s disappointing but his behaviour says more about him than you.

They’ve had a blanket child ban (except for his own child from 1st marriage) which I think is fair enough but it does come with the risk that people with kids may struggle to make it I guess!

And significantly safer. I hate the attitude on MN that it's safe and sensible to do ridiculously long journeys when you can stay overnight.

OP you can't go, it's no good your brother getting offended. Either he allows you to take the kids or you can't go. I would also not want to risk getting covid if I was going on holiday.

Yeah but OP might not want her kids getting ill! Especially if they are going away soon!

The DB chose to have a child-free wedding, in the arse end of nowhere (OP’s words, not mine, I love the Highlands!), and not to invite the other sibling who OP could have shared a lift with. That is all his prerogative, of course, but when that means that OP can’t attend, he can’t be cross that his decisions have that outcome.

You absolutely could go if you wanted to.

You don't want to. Which is kind of fair enough; it sounds like it would be a big hassle.

If it were me, and my brothers wedding, I'd take the big hassle because it would be really important to me to be there.

If it's not that important to you to pull out all the stops to be there then that's fine. But it would be less irritating if you owned that decision.

It's a shame but it doesn't look feasible to me.

(And if your brother really wanted you there - given your childcare has fallen through - he'd amend the invite and allow your kids).

I think you are getting a hard time here @LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet !

You've not become reluctant to go with months notice, it's days notice and your childcare has fallen through due to illness!

I would go back to your brother and explain that either you bring the kids (and somehow squeeze them into the hotel and wedding) or you don't attend. This isnt by choice as there is no alternative childcare.

leaving at 5am on the morning of or midnight after the wedding aren't feasible options.

To posters suggesting public transport, there huge areas of the Highlands that aren't connected by rail. And have poor bus service. Just because a train goes to Dingwall doesn't mean you can get to Cromarty for example. They might look nearby on a map but train and bus timetables don't always match up, just like they don't match up in the rest of the country.

How I see it he chose to have a child free wedding so therefore if someones childcare falls through then thats how it is
Plus i have known many have childfree weddings but mist have nieces / nephews attend
I agree sil and bil are out if the question , you can't drive so therefore no options and he needs to just accept that

Can you explain, when I have no one I trust to look after them available, and refuse to leave them with a stranger, what ‘way’ I have left to find?

OP, there are plenty of solutions to your problem but you are shutting down each and every one of them. Clearly because you don't want to go. If you wanted to, you'd find a way.

It's absolutely fine to not want to go / or not want to go badly enough to find a solution but that makes this a total non issue.

YANBU for not wanting to go. Your brother is also NBU for wanting a childfree wedding but then he needs to accept that some parents will not be able to attend.

It’s all excuses.

of course you can leave DH and get a train & a taxi but you won’t. There’s a difference.

Your DH can go up and go out with the kids but you won’t.

Your brother has arranged childcare but you won’t use it.

You Cant get to your brothers wedding because of a bad leg but can go on holiday to turkey with it.

@Becky6758 the same brother who didn't invite his niece and nephews ?

I've no idea why you're getting such a hard time OP, some if the suggestions on here are ridiculous.

These children are your brothers nieces and nephews, surely he can make exception for close family to be at the wedding. Most child free weddings (my own included) make an exception for nieces/nephews. Any normal person would make exception for their siblings children to attend in these circumstances. He has absolutely no right to be angry with you.

Just give your brother a choice - you bring the kids or you don't go. Offer to bring food for them /share your meal so it won't cost him more

I don't understand, what is your brother losing by you not being there. You can't make it then you can't make it. He should move on and stop acting like a child.

I didn't marry, but if I did I certainly wouldn't be pissed off with anyone who couldn't make it. It just feels so entitled and self centred to expect everyone to drop what they're doing and come and watch me, me, me.

I’m getting so annoyed on your behalf OP, why are people aggressively suggesting things that you’ve already said are impossible!

Your DB has no right to be annoyed. You’ve done everything in your power to make arrangements, and they’ve fallen through for unavoidable reasons.

Any chance of DB saying the kids are allowed to come? And asking the hotel to squeeze a couple of camp beds in the room? (Not ideal I know).

He’s entitled to a child free wedding and the OP is entitled not to go but don’t come on here and complain about it when there are plenty of solutions and she doesn’t want to do any.

A rural taxi for an hour’s drive is not usually ‘hundreds’. If you don’t want to go, just say.

@Quitelikeit or if the brother really wanted then there he would accommodate the children

Your brother could have chosen not to get married in the arse end of nowhere and have a child-free wedding. You've moved heaven and earth to try to go but it hasn't worked out. Plus it's a second marriage. Fuck that, honestly.

But it would be less irritating if you owned that decision

she has though hasn’t she? She’s told her brother she can’t make it because of x, y, z.

There’re two people in this conversation and as far as I can see it’s the brother being UR because he won’t graciously (if annoyed/disappointed) accept the situation and her decision.

suggesting she puts her children in a situation she’s uncomfortable with is spectacularly out of order and trying to cower her.