Childcare fallen through so can’t make DB’s child free wedding

[LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet]

My brother lives 350 miles away and is getting married tomorrow. Children aren’t invited - it’s been a nightmare trying to organise childcare for 3 full days (have to stay at least 2 nights because of distance) for my 2 kids in the summer holidays but we roped in BIL and SIL who thankfully had the days free and veryl kindly agreed to have them.

BIL found out yesterday that he has COVID! So we not can’t send them. He’s quite unwell with it as well apparently.

I told my brother today that we can’t come as we just cannot find anyone else at short notice to look after the kids for 2 nights. It’s a big ask of anyone!

He’s really pissed off with me and has asked if I can send them anyway as isolation rules etc are essentially redundant now. I’ve said no I’m it asking them to do that. Especially because we go on holiday next week and don’t want the kids taking COVID to Turkey with them. Was IBU to say no? I think if you ask people to make a 700 mile round trip for their wedding without their kids being invited you risk things falling through and this happening

Can’t drive

Correct. Can’t magic it well again

no trains

Correct. Should I call National Rail and ask them to put one on and build a station just for me?

wont go for one night

Cant sue to lack of magic for leg

won’t leave DH behind

Again, can’t

Sil can’t watch kids

Should I just dump them on her drive and run?

wont split the kids up to find childcare.

No I won’t, they’d absolutely hate this as they do t fare well without each other. They are 9 and 5 and I’m not making them unhappy for 3 days for any reason.

Also don’t have one person let alone two who can look after them

She hasn’t ignored it. She said the hotel is unlikely to be able to accommodate her children and that it’s an long way to drag children in a car just so that they can try and find a park to entertain themselves in for a few hours so that one person out of the family of four can go to half a wedding. They might not be able to find anything suitable to entertain the children in the highlands, and you’re expecting her to do all this for someone who not only excluded his own nieces and nephews from his wedding in the first place, but who also expects said children to be fine being dumped on strangers and who got angry with her when she said her childcare had fallen through.

And she’s already seen her brother get married once already anyway.

Fuck that for fun.

I don't anyone is saying that DB has a right to insist that OP attends.

Yeah bollocks to your brother. Mine wouldn't dream of barring my kids from a celebration and if people want child free that's their choice but obviously attendance might be affected.

I don't think you're unreasonable. I wanted a child free wedding but for a close relative that loved a reasonable distance away I said her child could come.

This is all a consequence of your brother's decision not to invite your kids. I wouldn't be leaving my kids with randoms I'd never met, or go to the wedding on my own whilst husband sat outside or down the road.

What about a flight and someone picks you up from the airport?

i don’t think you can or should send them to your BIL/SIL it’s not fair on anyone.

what about extending the stay slightly and finding a different hotel for all of you?

I don't think it's relevant that is not his first wedding.

He wanted a child-free wedding (perfectly acceptable), you made genuine arrangements (you put the effort in) and it's fallen through at the last-minute for legitimate reasons. This isn't you bailing because you no longer feel like it - even if SIL was prepared to come to yours, the chance of her having picked up Covid from her husband would be quite high. You're going on holiday shortly, and TBH, going to a wedding is risky enough as it is, let alone inviting potential Covid carriers into your home.

The only feasible option is for your DH and the kids to travel with you, and for them to do their own thing whilst you go to the wedding. However, that's a big ask, and if you wouldn't feel comfortable on your own (especially with your poorly leg), I think it's an ask too far.

I don't think you're being unreasonable not going. I don't think your brother is unreasonable in wanting you to go (even if some of his suggestions have been batshit). I think the technical term for this situation is "just one of those things."

No one could have predicted your childcare provider coming down with Covid. It's no one's fault, it just is what it is.

Emotions will be running high with the wedding. Hopefully everyone will calm down and realise afterwards that it really was just unfortunate.

Train strike

Honestly, I would not overthink this. Yanbu.

You had childcare. Now you don't. There is no easy way to get there. You don't drive. You don't have adequate accommodation for the whole family, so that's out. You can't take dc with you as they have nowhere to sleep.

You're not making excuses, it's just facts is facts.

Some posters are being ridiculous ( ie, obviously a 350-mile drive is a 2-night stay).

Make arrangements to celebrate privately with db and his new wife. It's the best you can do.

I couldn’t be arsed with it either OP to be honest, especially when it’s a second marriage. It sounds like a ball-ache. Really depends on your relationship with your brother of course - if you’re close, he would let you kids in without an issue. Sounds like you’re not that close though, so i’d skip it. I didn’t go to my brother’s 2nd wedding - spent a fortune going to the 1st one only 5 years previously (He’s now divorced from the 2nd one too 🙄) and I don’t feel I missed out. Child free wedding that excludes his niece & nephew?! Nah. Stay at home & save money!

Don’t see why I should sit through a wedding alone without my husband while he takes them to a park somewhere, it’s a long way to travel just so 75% of the party can do what they’d do at home. Also haven’t booked a family room and hotel is fully booked as it’s the wedding hotel so not even sure they’d have anywhere to sleep!

I’d firstly see if you can get anywhere for then to sleep as if not they can’t come anyway.

And I think going on a mini break will be fun for them even if they do end up doing things they’d normally do at home.

I would have done this anyway - brought the kids and then go to the wedding alone.

Ah! Fair point. That would make it tricky

I would never want to miss my brothers wedding.
However, my brother would never want to have a family party without his nephews so this kind of situation wouldn't come up.
I don't think OP is making excuses. She arranged appropriate childcare and booked an appropriate hotel room for the appropriate number of nights. The plan has fallen through and the alternatives are not workable for several good reasons. Which are different fro my excuses.
And yes, of course she could have just dumped her kids with random people, left at 5.30am or in the middle of the party blah blah blah but the point is why should she put herself and her family through it this point?
If the brother wanted his sister there so much he should have invited her children in the first place. He's completely be out of order for throwing a huff now.

I do want to go, but I don’t want to go alone. My mum and stepdad will be there, no other family as we are a v small family.

My other brother hasn’t been invited - DB getting married has decided other brother bullied him as a child and ‘wants ‘toxic people out his life’ TBH the way I remember it, DB getting married was the bully but it doesn’t even matter as we were kids! If my other brother was there it would be ideal as I’d have good company and a lift to get thete!

YANBU. It doesn't sound like an easy 350 miles. If it was Edinburgh to London then fine, but I think people are underestimating how inaccessible lots of the highlands are easily.

Not sure why you're getting such a hard time OP - YANBU and your brother is wrong to get arsey when he stipulated a child free wedding - I hope your BIL recovers soon

Don't go.
You made arrangements, they've fallen through. It's a crazy distance in a heatwave with an injury anyway. Stay at home and rest your leg. Hop you're ok for Turkey.

His response to pack your kids off to someone’s house who is unwell is frankly, disgusting and I’d be very angry with him in your shoes.

Tell him don’t worry, you’ll go to his next wedding instead.

Honestly, it’s just a wedding. It’s really not that big a deal. He’s not dying so you can see him another time. My DB didn’t come to mine because he’s fairly reclusive and it would be too much of a struggle for him. It made no difference to me. I knew he was happy for me and that’s all that matters.

I understand he's pissed at you

Your partner can have them and you go by yourself

I did initially decline because we simply don’t have any childcare provision like that, and then he begged me to find some, which I did after a bit of begging of my own! But I kinda wish I’d just said it was too big a commitment

Why don’t you want to go alone?

I’d jump at the chance at having 2 nights in a hotel alone even if I had to sit through a wedding for a couple of hours 😁

You don’t owe it to your brother to go but if it was my wedding I would want my family there and so I would do the same for them.

She's explained why this doesn't work several times.

Cancel the cheque, OP.

Have you actually messaged other friends to ses if they could look after the children?

Ive messaged 2 close friends that know my children well and that my children would be happy staying with. One is away til tomorrow night and the other is a single mum and she’s working so can’t.

The solution for you all to go and DH and the dc amuse themselves whilst you’re at the wedding is a good one, BUT bollocks would I be putting my family through all that stress and hassle for the wedding of a sibling whose first reaction was to be pissed off with me because I can’t logistically make their wedding in the middle of nowhere that has excluded the half of my family who require suitable adult care.

I wouldn’t leave my dd with a random person either.