Childcare fallen through so can’t make DB’s child free wedding

[LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet]

My brother lives 350 miles away and is getting married tomorrow. Children aren’t invited - it’s been a nightmare trying to organise childcare for 3 full days (have to stay at least 2 nights because of distance) for my 2 kids in the summer holidays but we roped in BIL and SIL who thankfully had the days free and veryl kindly agreed to have them.

BIL found out yesterday that he has COVID! So we not can’t send them. He’s quite unwell with it as well apparently.

I told my brother today that we can’t come as we just cannot find anyone else at short notice to look after the kids for 2 nights. It’s a big ask of anyone!

He’s really pissed off with me and has asked if I can send them anyway as isolation rules etc are essentially redundant now. I’ve said no I’m it asking them to do that. Especially because we go on holiday next week and don’t want the kids taking COVID to Turkey with them. Was IBU to say no? I think if you ask people to make a 700 mile round trip for their wedding without their kids being invited you risk things falling through and this happening

Yes they’ve said they are choosing to isolate and BIL is very horrendous so SIL wants to look after him and make sure he doesn’t get to I’ll with being CEV.

I can’t just ‘find a way‘ - some people be how lucky don’t have options. And very few people are happy to have 2 kids for 3 days with a few hours notice.

what should I then do, leave my children in a puddle outside? Let the cat babysit them?

We have driven from Bristol to Mull and returned the following day. Yes, it is tiring but needs must (there was a family emergency).
Can you fly up? Then get taxis?

Because she doesn’t want to go. She’s just making excuse after excuse to not go.

Can’t drive
no trains
wont go for one night
won’t leave DH behind
Sil can’t watch kids
wont split the kids up to find childcare.

Well I guess if you wanted to go you'd ask the hotel if they can fit the kids in. Surely going on your own to your brother's wedding wouldn't be that bad. It's not like you'll know no one.

I had a child free wedding but I was young and none of my friends of family had children. It’s a bit shitty if a close family member has a child not to let them
come and this situation is entirely of his own making. YANBU given the additional information and I wouldn’t feel the need to put myself out with a broken leg and no childcare since he decided to make things tricky by not inviting children!

all go, DP takes the kids out while you attend the wedding.

This, or you go alone via public transport, stay in the accomodation you have already booked and return the next morning.

I would go on my own

I don’t think you are unreasonable - sending your children into a covid positive household wouldn’t be a good idea and getting SIL to babysit is risky as she might be carrying it. I wouldn’t want to go all that way to attend on my own either but it might be your best option. To be honest child free weddings are a crapshoot as so many people have kids- life isn’t always straightforward re childcare etc. he’s unreasonable to be pissed off if he has made the choice to exclude children.

OP, kindly, you sound like you're being a bit difficult and don't really want to go.

I realise that it's the second time, but I think that you should make every effort to go. Even if that means you all going and DH/P staying with the DC while you go to the wedding.

The weather is currently spectacular in the Highlands at the moment.

DP and kids go to XXX during the wedding.

Then you as a family enjoy some of the local sights, the next day, on the way home.

There is so much that you could do. But you wont because you are determined not to go.

An hour in a taxi would cost hundreds. I can’t afford that.

Ive checked the trains, there’s nothing that would get me there by the morning.

Just rock up to the wedding with the kids, you can leave after the ceremony or DH can leave with the kids.

Take packed lunches and a picnic blanket for the kids and stay for the whole thing.

It is completely reasonable not to attend this wedding.

Your brother is an age where he no doubt knows lots of people with kids. Although child free weddings are personal prerogative, you should also accept not everybody has lots of babysitting options and children aren't pets that can be sat by strangers...

Tbh, I think a 350mile (700 round?) trip that I couldn't convert into a family mini break would probably have put me off already - and the fact your husband has only met your DB twice makes me think he wouldn't make the effort for you...

I’d have declined in the first place. If he cared about you he’d be flexible and say your DC could go. He’s not doing that so fuck him. His right to a childfree wedding doesn’t mean you should put yourself out. And covid isolation or not, no one sensible leaves their young kids in a house with an infectious virus or a very ill person, or as the ill and infectious person accepts care for other peoples young kids.

You can’t go so don’t. And don’t apologise. He’s the unreasonable one.

OP just be honest and admit you clearly don't want to go. I wouldn't miss my brothers wedding (1st/2nd/3rd) for anything.

However if you needed to reduce to 1 night then stay night before and leave after evening do starts, you've been there for most important part, then drive back from 9pm essentially. Have you actually messaged other friends to ses if they could look after the children?

I haven’t, I replied to that.

Could you all go but your DH stays at the accommodation with the children?

No way would I be leaving my kids with someone I’d never met who my brother knows but apparently not well enough to be invited to his wedding! And no way would I be making the kind of miserable effort that some posters are suggesting, all to facilitate my BROTHER excluding my children from his wedding. What on earth kind of family wouldn’t just say oh bring them with you?!

Read the OPs posts, there’s no public transport and she can’t drive. People honestly think it’s reasonable to get her husband and kids to travel 12 hours round in the car to go and hang around in a park or something while the OP goes to a wedding they’re not invited to?! Not sure about anyone else but that’s not how I treat my husband and children!

You reap what you sow. I’d be telling the brother that I couldn’t go and he will have to lump it. Why do people act like such ridiculous divas around weddings. I only have family children but anyone who would actually have not been able to come was very welcome to bring their kids.

My family comes first and I wouldn’t ask my kids to have a miserable couple of days all to accommodate the brother when he’s too unkind to even welcome his niece/nephews to his wedding.

Could you take the DC with you but not into the wedding - leave them with your DH while you attend the ceremony? You could make it into a nice family short break with you leaving just to do to the actual marriage part.

Why’s everyone so insistent the brother has a right to insist OP attends? He’s throwing a party, not getting crowned.

OP YANBU

Your DB has chosen to have a child free wedding which is his right. However, that comes with consequences that some people either can't, or won't, attend.

You arranged childcare which has now fallen through so your DB has a choice make an exception or accept you can't attend. I wouldn't have left my DC with strangers (to me) when they were young either.

I don't get pp's who say it's your brother in a 'so you have to attend' manner. That works both ways. If it's so important that his sister attends then he'll make an exception. If he doesn't then it's not that important to him. People getting married do not get to dictate what other people do not even close relatives.

The best option is for DH to stay at home with the DCs and you go alone.

Is there anyone going a similar way who could pick you up and you pay petrol money?
Or take a coach.

If not all go but DH do something fun with the kids whilst you go to the wedding.

If your relationship with db was so great and worthy of all this planning your dc would be wanted there also?

Also people seem to think that it’s so easy to just leave your kids with a friend. Everyone is super busy in the summer holidays and also it’s a bloody massive ask, to have someone’s child for days!! My heart would sink like a stone if anyone asked me to do that and there’s not many people I would say yes to! Not all of us can just leave our kids with local friends and family, people who have that network just can’t comprehend that!

Tbh it sounds like you have your mind up and don't want y to o go.
You would find a way if you really wanted to go.
It's your brothers wedding. Maybe find a babysitter who can look after them near the wedding venue.