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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have made my son share

376 replies

Noshare · 12/06/2022 16:21

At a soft play type place today and my son was playing with something, another little girl kept coming up and trying to take it off him (both about 2.5). I kept politely saying 'sorry sweetheart he's playing with this one' and giving her something else which she'd take away and play with for a bit and then come back.

My son can get a bit fixated on certain things so he was playing with this for about 15 mins.

Anyway, the little girls mum came up and asked my son if he would share it now and let her have a turn and I said 'hes playing with this at the moment but as soon as he's finished she can have a go with it'. She scoffed and said don't I teach my children to share. I replied that our definition of sharing obviously differs.

They were like blocks in different shapes but she wanted the specific block my son had even though she'd piled up the others which were practically the same if that makes sense?

If he was on a swing or something and it was the only one then I'd of course tell him to let someone else have a turn now after a certain time but I don't think sharing means just giving someone what they ask for when they ask for it if that makes sense? There were plenty of other things practically the same as this item her daughter could play with.

Was I being unreasonable and failing to teach my son to share by not making him just hand over what he was playing with the moment he was asked?!

OP posts:
deirdreshere · 12/06/2022 16:26

So did the little girl just want the toy so she could pile it with the rest of the toys she'd gathered? If so, then no I dont think your son should have given it to her, and I also don't think the mum had a right to say that to you.

User135792468 · 12/06/2022 16:27

The issue isn’t sharing, it’s about turn taking and teaching your child that in a communal place, he can have his turn but then it’s nice for other children to do so too. If it had been the other way round and your child was desperate to have a turn, it would be pretty irritating if the parent had so little awareness that they just allowed their child to hog the item for ages. Based on your description, I do think that yabu.

redskyatnight · 12/06/2022 16:27

Not fine to hog a toy for 15 minutes when you know someone else is waiting.
If there were plenty of other items practically the same why couldn't he have played with one of them?

Original poster
Noshare · 12/06/2022 16:28

deirdreshere · 12/06/2022 16:26

So did the little girl just want the toy so she could pile it with the rest of the toys she'd gathered? If so, then no I dont think your son should have given it to her, and I also don't think the mum had a right to say that to you.

Yes she just wanted to add it to the pile she was making.

OP posts:
Gr33ngr33ngr4ss · 12/06/2022 16:28

15 minutes is a long time when you're so little.

JanBabiesBrummyMummy · 12/06/2022 16:29

Yabu

Original poster
Noshare · 12/06/2022 16:29

redskyatnight · 12/06/2022 16:27

Not fine to hog a toy for 15 minutes when you know someone else is waiting.
If there were plenty of other items practically the same why couldn't he have played with one of them?

It wasn't a toy, it was a building block and the little girl had a pile of them already! She'd gone round collecting them all to pile up and then wanted the one my son had.

OP posts:
PAFMO · 12/06/2022 16:30

Definitely not on to not teach your children about sharing when it's not his toy.
And 15 minutes at that age is a lifetime.

Grigorisangel · 12/06/2022 16:30

I agree with you that sharing is not handing an item over as soon as someone else wants a turn but in a public setting I would personally limit to 5 minutes if another is wanting a go

motogirl · 12/06/2022 16:30

15 minutes is a long time, perhaps you could have swopped one with her pile

Hugasauras · 12/06/2022 16:31

I don't know, I think 15 mins is quite a long time to be playing with one thing in a communal shared play area when someone else is interested in playing with it. You say the girl had other blocks and things she could have played it but by that token so could your son - they just both wanted to play with the same thing.

In this situation I would have let him play with it for a bit longer then said that someone else has been waiting for their turn.

I presume she wanted to use the block to actually build with too.

dementedpixie · 12/06/2022 16:31

But she had all the other blocks.

Bet she wouldn't have given one of her blocks in exchange

Original poster
Noshare · 12/06/2022 16:32

So my son can't hog one block of about 20 she already had but it's fine for the other child to hog all of them? 🤣

OP posts:
Jalepenojello · 12/06/2022 16:32

I think 15 minutes was too long to expect a 2.5 year old to wait and I would have encouraged sharing about half way into that time.

StrawberrySquash · 12/06/2022 16:32

I think if your son had been playing with that block for 15 minutes it was probably time to take turns with it. To us it's just a block, to the toddler girl it was a specific block so I'd say her turn now like I would if there was just one swing.

Original poster
Noshare · 12/06/2022 16:32

they just both wanted to play with the same thing.

She didn't want to play with it, she was just piling them up. I saw her going round collecting them off all the other kids too.

OP posts:
Hugasauras · 12/06/2022 16:33

Was she actually hogging them? Did your son want to play with the other blocks and was unable? Did she stop other children from playing with them?

mummypie17 · 12/06/2022 16:33

In this context, YANBU as it was one block and the girl was just trying to collect it to a big pile.

However, any toys at softplay should be shared and taken in turns to play.

Danikm151 · 12/06/2022 16:34

Yanbu
if her precious princess thinks sharing means you get what you want as soon as you ask then it’s not sharing.

deirdreshere · 12/06/2022 16:34

It's a tough one. As Iike a previous poster said, it's about turn taking, not sharing.

I can see why you'd not let her take it straight away, but 15 mins is a long time. I think after a while I'd probably have said to my son to let her have it so she could finish building whatever she wanted to build, and he could find something else to play with.

I think the mother was unreasonable saying that to you though. I doubt she'd have been too understanding if your child shared the block he was playing with, but decided he then wanted to play with one of the other blocks she'd gathered up.

Original poster
Noshare · 12/06/2022 16:34

Hugasauras · 12/06/2022 16:33

Was she actually hogging them? Did your son want to play with the other blocks and was unable? Did she stop other children from playing with them?

She was collecting them all (including off other children) and piling them up. My son was sitting on/climbing on and off this one block (one of those soft play blocks in different shapes).

OP posts:
ForestFae · 12/06/2022 16:35

redskyatnight · 12/06/2022 16:27

Not fine to hog a toy for 15 minutes when you know someone else is waiting.
If there were plenty of other items practically the same why couldn't he have played with one of them?

Agreed. That’s really not on and I’d have said something as well.

redskyatnight · 12/06/2022 16:35

Noshare · 12/06/2022 16:32

So my son can't hog one block of about 20 she already had but it's fine for the other child to hog all of them? 🤣

Was she hogging them all? Was she stopping other children (or your own son) playing with them? Playing with things that no one else actually wants is not hogging.

Original poster
Noshare · 12/06/2022 16:35

mummypie17 · 12/06/2022 16:33

In this context, YANBU as it was one block and the girl was just trying to collect it to a big pile.

However, any toys at softplay should be shared and taken in turns to play.

I don't disagree and as I say, if it was something there was only one of like a slide/swing/specific toy I would have told him to take turns but I do think this was very different.

OP posts:
User135792468 · 12/06/2022 16:35

Op, you are now drip feeding as the majority of posters have disagreed with you. Accept that you acted entitled and didn’t teach your pfb that you can’t hog communal toys. Learn from it for next time and that’s that. You would have been annoyed had it been the other way round and as has been explained to you, 15 minutes is forever at that age.