To not have made my son share

[Noshare]

At a soft play type place today and my son was playing with something, another little girl kept coming up and trying to take it off him (both about 2.5). I kept politely saying 'sorry sweetheart he's playing with this one' and giving her something else which she'd take away and play with for a bit and then come back.

My son can get a bit fixated on certain things so he was playing with this for about 15 mins.

Anyway, the little girls mum came up and asked my son if he would share it now and let her have a turn and I said 'hes playing with this at the moment but as soon as he's finished she can have a go with it'. She scoffed and said don't I teach my children to share. I replied that our definition of sharing obviously differs.

They were like blocks in different shapes but she wanted the specific block my son had even though she'd piled up the others which were practically the same if that makes sense?

If he was on a swing or something and it was the only one then I'd of course tell him to let someone else have a turn now after a certain time but I don't think sharing means just giving someone what they ask for when they ask for it if that makes sense? There were plenty of other things practically the same as this item her daughter could play with.

Was I being unreasonable and failing to teach my son to share by not making him just hand over what he was playing with the moment he was asked?!

It’s not fine for anyone to hog it for 15 minutes. And piling/stacking is how some kids play.

Playing with things that no one else actually wants is not hogging.

But my son wanted to play with it so?

It sounds like you were just worried your child would have a tantrum.

For goodness sake 15 minutes is like hours in toddler time. You should have shared.

State to the other child and your child that the little girl is going to have this in two minutes and then do it, 'there you are' 'thank you' and move on to something else.

If you're particularly worried about a scene you do the "Atticus, the little girl is going to have this in two minutes because it's her turn, and we're going to go on the slide/have a drink" etc...

I probably would have asked the kid to swap blocks... bet she wouldn't have done or kicked off if you'd taken one from the pile to swap.
I've seen kids like this that need to pile up all of one kind of toy and insist on taking them off everyone else until they have them all....

You did fine for 5 minutes, but it turned unreasonable long before 15 minutes. Unfortunately your child does need to learn to take turns, and you should have started teaching this by now. The thing to do is tell your child straight away that they just have X minutes left because another child wants a turn, remind them in last minute and then hand over while diverting with another toy / comforting as needed. You can also ask the other child / parent combo to pass it back after 5 min if both kids are interested, so they each get 5 min turns. My DS quickly learned to hand over a toy and lurk to get it back 2 min later when the other kid got bored.

If you think the fixation is due to autism then it might be best to say so directly to other parents, who can then be more understanding that your child has particular difficulties in transitioning to a different toy. You do still need to help him learn, but might need more advice on strategies.

Depends whether he is the type of child who always shares and never gets his time or whether he is the type of child who never shares....

If she just wanted a turn of something I’d say yabu to let it go on 15 minutes, but as she was hoarding all the blocks to herself a la Scrooge McDuck then in this context YANBU

YANBU at all.

The other mum wasn’t encouraging sharing. What she meant was your son had to give her daughter what she wanted. What did anyone learn from that?

You did the right thing sticking up for your son, good for you. He had one block, she had 20, his feelings are as valid as anyone else’s.

I think YWBU. It doesn't matter why she wanted to play with it. He had a really long turn and didn't let anyone else take their turn.

At 2.5 I actually think you should have let him communicate with the girl himself. Even if he's not capable of having a full conversation yet he's more likely to have resolved the situation himself one way or another.

Another parent shouldn't have to approach you to ask your child to share.

OK so now you are changing the narrative. You said your child was fixated on one item and didn't want to give it up. if he'd wanted one of the others to play with, then why didn't he swap? Why didn't you encourage him to swap? That certainly comes under my definition of sharing.

She can’t really say that if her daughter had 20 of the things 😆

I totally agree with you. Sharing does not mean simply handing over something you are playing with no matter where you are. How would an adult feel if halfway through doing something they were expected to just hand it over to someone else ? This child's mother should have told her to leave your son alone and not been so bloody rude to you.

He does share, I always encourage (and make if he doesn't do it himself) him to give others a turn if it's a one off specific item or activity like a swing or slide and so on... But I don't think it's the same as giving over something you're playing with so the other person can just put it in a pile of the same thing they just hoarded.

I think 15 minutes is WAY too long to make a very small child wait their turn. I would have waited a couple of mins max before saying to my DC that someone else was waiting and it was time to play with something else.

Children have to learn to wait their turn but they also need to learn that if other kids are waiting to play with something (that doesn’t belong to them) they can’t just keep playing with as long as they feel like it.

I would have been clearer with the little girl and said no, but I don't think you were unreasonable. It's a block, there were lots of blocks, she clearly didn't need that one.

She's 2, piling stuff up is a game in its own right. As is whooozing down the slide into the full stack of blocks so that they all fly everywhere.

YABU. 15 minutes is ages.
This particular toy was important to him, but collecting them all for her pile was important to her too.
I think you should have let her take a turn, and it would have been a good learning opportunity for your son. Maybe once she'd piled everything up you could have asked for it back. By just refusing you have just taught him that he can hog any toy he likes.

How am I changing the narrative? I said he was playing with it in my OP?

Well, collecting and piling things up is a form of toddler play/schema. So that was her playing, just in a different way to your son. I'd hope that if he wanted one/some of her blocks, then she would have been encouraged to turn-take too, although obviously there's no way of knowing if that would have happened or not.

I do think the mum was UR to intervene though or say anything.

This particular toy was important to him, but collecting them all for her pile was important to her too

I think if it had been the other way around I'd have felt it better for me to tell my son to leave the little girl alone because I already had so many blocks like 'look how many you've got already over here, let that little boy have one' and moved her away.

Well her mum quite happily watched her take them off other kids too so I doubt it.

I don’t think you were being unreasonable.

But I would have suggested swapping your childs block for one of the other childs or even all 20 of them. No doubt this would have showed that what this mother and child actually wanted, was all the blocks, and that her own little angel wasn’t quite so good at ‘sharing’. 😉

You don't get to dictate how children play though. A two year olds logic doesn't work in the same way as an adults.

After 5 kids I’m less into ‘sharing’, it tends to mean ‘give my child what they want and quickly’. I used to make mine, but it was always stuff like this- one child being facilitated whilst others ‘shared’ with them.
We place too much value on the notion for children for a skill we don’t really use in real life. Adults don’t tell each other to hand over bikes/ phones/ food do they? I’m more inclined to tell mine to either respect other people’s property or find something else to do if they want something someone else has. Likewise I don’t make mine share, though I may suggest if appropriate (eg a swing queue I would guide them to recognise others and limit a fair turn obviously)

I am aware of that, but I thought it was about teaching our children?

If I'd have seen my son doing that I'd have encouraged him to see that he already had X many so didn't need to take someone else's.