To not have made my son share

[Noshare]

At a soft play type place today and my son was playing with something, another little girl kept coming up and trying to take it off him (both about 2.5). I kept politely saying 'sorry sweetheart he's playing with this one' and giving her something else which she'd take away and play with for a bit and then come back.

My son can get a bit fixated on certain things so he was playing with this for about 15 mins.

Anyway, the little girls mum came up and asked my son if he would share it now and let her have a turn and I said 'hes playing with this at the moment but as soon as he's finished she can have a go with it'. She scoffed and said don't I teach my children to share. I replied that our definition of sharing obviously differs.

They were like blocks in different shapes but she wanted the specific block my son had even though she'd piled up the others which were practically the same if that makes sense?

If he was on a swing or something and it was the only one then I'd of course tell him to let someone else have a turn now after a certain time but I don't think sharing means just giving someone what they ask for when they ask for it if that makes sense? There were plenty of other things practically the same as this item her daughter could play with.

Was I being unreasonable and failing to teach my son to share by not making him just hand over what he was playing with the moment he was asked?!

YANBU

If my child was playing a lovely game and managed to pile up all of the soft play shapes and then wanted to take the last soft play shape from another child who was also playing a lovely game - tbh I'd be telling my child that they would have to share.

I would not be expecting that other child to hand it over.

In fact I would be embarrassed to suggest that.

And at which point should my hypothetical child be interrupting their lovely game to share out the shapes in their pile? Because they had all of them and the other children had none?

Gathering is a lovely game but really difficult in a public play place especially when it involves all of anything.

Poster banging on about drip feeding are SO BoRING

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After child had asked to play with block a couple of times you could have said DS can play with it for another 5 mins then it will be your turn. Turn taking is important skill for kids to learn. Your DS could have moved on to play with something else.

So, in a nutshell, people like @Pumperthepumper , @girlmom21 and myself believe in raising children based on evidence (a.k.a stuff which has been proven to work). These approaches are underpinned by firm boundaries, respect for children and their autonomy, along with knowledge and understanding of child development (no idea why that is so hard to stomach).

Others, like @Peoniesandcream , @EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall and @DontLookBackInAnger1 believe in raising children based on unexamined Eurocentric assumptions which are unconsciously perpetuated through generations and tend to be underpinned by a desire to control children, for example, through interrupting social learning, or by using praise (BTW, you’ll love this one - praise doesn’t work - see Miller and Cho 2017).

Good luck and enjoy the endless meltdowns.

*So, in a nutshell, people like @Pumperthepumper , @girlmom21 and myself believe in raising children based on evidence (a.k.a stuff which has been proven to work). These approaches are underpinned by firm boundaries, respect for children and their autonomy, along with knowledge and understanding of child development (no idea why that is so hard to stomach).

Others, like @Peoniesandcream , @EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall and @DontLookBackInAnger1 believe in raising children based on unexamined Eurocentric assumptions which are unconsciously perpetuated through generations and tend to be underpinned by a desire to control children, for example, through interrupting social learning, or by using praise (BTW, you’ll love this one - praise doesn’t work - see Miller and Cho 2017).

Good luck and enjoy the endless meltdowns.*

Blimey didnt RTFT. Just the beginning. Things obvs moved on.

A mumsnet diagram. Who should have the final block?

Blimey, the most recent replies have moved on a bit!

To answer the original point, it just sounds like one of those things. They’re both absolutely tiny - almost babies really - so of course haven’t learnt to negotiate social situations yet.

I can see both sides - her game did depend on having all of the blocks, whilst his game just required one. On the other hand, he’d kept hold of the block for a long time. Maybe there could have been a compromise suggested by the adults, like both piling up the blocks and then playing with them together? I realise that’s hard with tinies though.

I don’t think anyone needed to accuse any one of the dreaded “not teaching their child to share” as it was a bit of a “six of one” situation.

Nonsense!

I have. 3.5 year old and a 2 year old and I can assure you that they still don't like sharing with each other. Humans aren't hardwired to share and I fucking cringe at soft play when I see mums trying to make 1 year olds sure toys with other kids. What an absolute waste of everyone's time.

Yes and the latter are most likely from older generations. Like my DF who told me to buy shoes for my 12 month old as "that would encourage him to walk" 🙄

Erm no

And as my children are 27, 19, 11 and 9 I don't need to worry about meltdowns

The only one of mine who has ever had meltdowns is the youngest who has asd and that was only when he was very small and was still none verbal

I'm 44 🤣🤣

Mumsnet is an hilarious place at times. When a communal area provides multiple items of a toy, they are meant for multiple children to play with. You only need to take turns if there are more children wishing to play than items.

If there were 20 balls and only two people playing then one child could keep a ball for hours and should not have to 'take it in turns', the other child does not get to keep all 20 of the balls just because their 'game' is gathering them. They are meant for multiple children at once, not one!

Totally disagree, from the description it sounds like there was a heap of building blocks which the little girl was making a pile of and wanted the block to add to that pile specifically because the OPs son was holding it.

YANBU because it's not like he had a toy car for example that she wanted a turn with. She was piling all the blocks up and wanted his. In that situation I'd say "wow look at all the blocks you have already! DS is playing with this one just now."

If she got really aggravated/upset I would probably encourage him to find something else ("let's go play with the X") just to keep the peace.

Tried to RTFT, got irritated, little girl's mum not teaching her the right lessons, you were right, OP.
That's my two pennorth. And I'm right. ;-)

This! The other mother was very wrong in the first place to actively 'allow' her daughter to 'take' the other blocks off every other child in the first place. How is op wrong in any way, shape or form? I really dont understand what some of you are taking from this.. 🙄

Totally reasonable. If there’s lots of other toys what’s the problem. We are a nation of people pleasers 🙄

This!

Asian families (particularly those of Oriental and Indian background) believe in a both a controls and punishment (including physical punishment), based approach to parenting and in the UK and US, those two groups are highest performing both in terms of educational achievements and average salary. I'd read more into this than a bunch of research which will have been carried out across a significant smaller population.

Just to clarify, I'm not suggesting you are wrong or the others are wrong - just making the wider point.

Ahhhh but that is assuming everyone’s idea of success is the same.
I think education can play a big part but my idea of success is a happy, stable, confident and independent adult with hobbies, friends and a job they love or at least enjoy.

Agree - though around me, most of them seem pretty happy in their big houses, flash cars and are very family orientated alongside all the other things you've mentioned. I suppose you'd need to look into mental health issues as outward success doesn't mean internal happiness but having worked in the NHS for 20 years, I've always felt like culturally, those two groups have both family and parenting nailed down.

Thankyou Mojo I don't understand either!!

Haha
I see your point

But surely the girl did want to play with it, you say it was just adding it to a pile but that was her game she wanted to play with it as much as your ds game with it was something different?? It's not unreasonable to play with it for a bit longer but I would never let one of mine have a toy for that long someone else was desperate for.

@IFeelItInMyFingersIFeelItInMy yes, it’s always insightful to consider how children are parented in other cultures. The book Hunt, Gather, Parent explores this out very well. But this only works when it’s based on research not sweeping generalisations and assumptions.

Some things to note:

• You might want to research the term ‘oriental’
• You make generalisations based on an entire, highly diverse continent’s parenting. Asia constitutes 60% of the worlds population.
• ’Seem’ happy and flash cars and houses does not mean people are happy or have good mental health, as you say. e.g ‘overachievement’ is commonly linked to anxiety and low self-esteem.
• You have obviously met a lot of people from many cultures but this is anecdotal evidence which cannot tell us anything.

The blocks are big enough to sit on and jump off and the little girl had 19 of them...? Okay