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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have made my son share

376 replies

Noshare · 12/06/2022 16:21

At a soft play type place today and my son was playing with something, another little girl kept coming up and trying to take it off him (both about 2.5). I kept politely saying 'sorry sweetheart he's playing with this one' and giving her something else which she'd take away and play with for a bit and then come back.

My son can get a bit fixated on certain things so he was playing with this for about 15 mins.

Anyway, the little girls mum came up and asked my son if he would share it now and let her have a turn and I said 'hes playing with this at the moment but as soon as he's finished she can have a go with it'. She scoffed and said don't I teach my children to share. I replied that our definition of sharing obviously differs.

They were like blocks in different shapes but she wanted the specific block my son had even though she'd piled up the others which were practically the same if that makes sense?

If he was on a swing or something and it was the only one then I'd of course tell him to let someone else have a turn now after a certain time but I don't think sharing means just giving someone what they ask for when they ask for it if that makes sense? There were plenty of other things practically the same as this item her daughter could play with.

Was I being unreasonable and failing to teach my son to share by not making him just hand over what he was playing with the moment he was asked?!

OP posts:
SmartCarDriver · 12/06/2022 16:47

Noshare · 12/06/2022 16:32

they just both wanted to play with the same thing.

She didn't want to play with it, she was just piling them up. I saw her going round collecting them off all the other kids too.

That to a 2.5 year old is playing.....

redskyatnight · 12/06/2022 16:47

Noshare · 12/06/2022 16:41

How am I changing the narrative? I said he was playing with it in my OP?

Show quote history

I think we are talking at cross purposes here. You can only be "hogging" a toy if someone else wants it. You accused the girl of hogging many blocks and I pointed out that this was only the case if she'd refused to let anyone else play with him. I thought your response meant that your son did want to play with one and had been refused, which is not something you'd mentioned in your OP and changed the narrative.

I'm now actually not sure what your response means. Keeping a toy for 15 minutes when you know someone else wants it is most definitely hogging.

Tandora · 12/06/2022 16:48

I don’t get why you are judging the way the girl wanted to play with the toy?? Piling things/ staking is classic toddler play. She wanted the toy to complete her game. Nothing wrong with that.
Your son needs to learn to take turns. It’s a communal space and the toy wasn’t his personal property.
this was not a case of the mum complaining that your son didn’t hand over the toy the minute he DD asked for it, she had waited for 15 mins and asked several times!
YABU.

girlmom21 · 12/06/2022 16:48

I am aware of that, but I thought it was about teaching our children?

Like you taught your son that his game was the most important game so he shouldn't bother sharing?

Maray1967 · 12/06/2022 16:48

You were fine, OP. I can’t stand this sort of ‘playing’ which involves going round and collecting all the blocks etc and hogging them just for yourself. You don’t teach your kids that they can build a collection of things that are there for lots of kids to share. That is the very definition of entitlement. I never let mine do this and never let anyone else’s kids take things off them so they could ‘collect’ either.

Tobermory · 12/06/2022 16:49

Noshare · 12/06/2022 16:43

This particular toy was important to him, but collecting them all for her pile was important to her too

I think if it had been the other way around I'd have felt it better for me to tell my son to leave the little girl alone because I already had so many blocks like 'look how many you've got already over here, let that little boy have one' and moved her away.

I agree with here OP. If the girl had been my child, I’d have distracted her and encouraged to play with the other blocks she had gathered. She didn’t need the extra one.

Original poster
Noshare · 12/06/2022 16:49

girlmom21 · 12/06/2022 16:48

I am aware of that, but I thought it was about teaching our children?

Like you taught your son that his game was the most important game so he shouldn't bother sharing?

No, but her game wasn't more important than his.

OP posts:
IcedOatLatte · 12/06/2022 16:49

Jalepenojello · 12/06/2022 16:32

I think 15 minutes was too long to expect a 2.5 year old to wait and I would have encouraged sharing about half way into that time.

By sharing do you mean that you would have expected that the girl then gave him all of the blocks she had in exchange for the 1 he had? I'm not seeing where the element of sharing comes in this situation.

user1474315215 · 12/06/2022 16:50

YANBU. Imagine this scenario with adults - you're in a coffee shop, reading one of the coffee shop newspapers, another adult would like to read the same paper, but nobody would reasonably expect you to share or take turns. If a child is playing with something the other child simply has to wait.

girlmom21 · 12/06/2022 16:51

No, but her game wasn't more important than his.

And you made her wait 15 minutes to prove that point.

Original poster
Noshare · 12/06/2022 16:51

Maray1967 · 12/06/2022 16:48

You were fine, OP. I can’t stand this sort of ‘playing’ which involves going round and collecting all the blocks etc and hogging them just for yourself. You don’t teach your kids that they can build a collection of things that are there for lots of kids to share. That is the very definition of entitlement. I never let mine do this and never let anyone else’s kids take things off them so they could ‘collect’ either.

Exactly. If my son was playing with ALL the blocks I'd make him share. But he wasn't. He had one... She had the rest. I understand it was 'her game', that's why I'm saying if it were my son doing that I'd have explained to him why we can't take ALL of one thing when it's meant for everyone.

OP posts:
mellicauli · 12/06/2022 16:52

Toddlers: if they are not bawling their eyes out (in which case I am sure you would have given it to them), it's probably not that important to them.

HeatherThick · 12/06/2022 16:52

Noshare · 12/06/2022 16:43

This particular toy was important to him, but collecting them all for her pile was important to her too

I think if it had been the other way around I'd have felt it better for me to tell my son to leave the little girl alone because I already had so many blocks like 'look how many you've got already over here, let that little boy have one' and moved her away.

But wasn't the point of her game to gather all of them?

I don't know. The differing answers here maybe show that no one was BU.

Soft plays are hell. I was once threatened by a group of mums after I grabbed a ride-on toy for my son after a toddler (who had been on it all morning) got off it briefly. The police had to be called to escort me to my car!

PartyGoose · 12/06/2022 16:52

YANBU

There wasn't really any "sharing" going on, was there?

The girl (and mum) wanted your child to give up what he was playing with. Fair enough, he'd had it for a while, but it sounds like it was one of several of the same thing and that he wanted that one to play with whereas she wanted all of them

And that's not sharing....

Original poster
Noshare · 12/06/2022 16:52

redskyatnight · 12/06/2022 16:47

I think we are talking at cross purposes here. You can only be "hogging" a toy if someone else wants it. You accused the girl of hogging many blocks and I pointed out that this was only the case if she'd refused to let anyone else play with him. I thought your response meant that your son did want to play with one and had been refused, which is not something you'd mentioned in your OP and changed the narrative.

I'm now actually not sure what your response means. Keeping a toy for 15 minutes when you know someone else wants it is most definitely hogging.

Show quote history

As I've said several times, she took them off other kids too and her mum said nothing.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 12/06/2022 16:53

mellicauli · 12/06/2022 16:52

Toddlers: if they are not bawling their eyes out (in which case I am sure you would have given it to them), it's probably not that important to them.

I'm pretty sure your approach qualifies as child abuse. They don't get anything they want until they're devastated about not having it?

Dogroses · 12/06/2022 16:53

Collecting them all and piling them up is a way of playing though. You can't not let her have a turn with it because she isn't playing 'properly.' I agree that it's not a matter of sharing, more turn taking, and that your child is still a bit young to be expected to give something up without something in return. I'd have called it at ten minutes or so sand found something else to do.

Lots of parents immediately tell their children to share in this kind of setting - it's quite performative. A quick way to show what a great parent they are. When my son was young I used to say 'x is a bit young for sharing, he hasn't learned that yet.'

Original poster
Noshare · 12/06/2022 16:53

But wasn't the point of her game to gather all of them?

I get the point of her game. I'm just saying as a parent, I'd have told her we can't do that because it's not fair on others to take all of them.

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 12/06/2022 16:53

Piling all of something up so no one else can play with them is not a suitable game for a communal soft play area.

SmartCarDriver · 12/06/2022 16:54

@Noshare more drips than a leaky tap!

YABU!

Dictating how a 2.5 year old plays? Your DS wasn't laying constructively, the little girl was, he was playing the earring way. How's that?

Is ridiculous, all interaction with toys at 2.5 is playing.

You're not happy with being told YABU! I get it, but come on!

Tandora · 12/06/2022 16:55

Noshare · 12/06/2022 16:49

No, but her game wasn't more important than his.

Show quote history

No but she waited 15 mins and you still wouldn’t let her have a turn to finish her game ?

luckylavender · 12/06/2022 16:55

Noshare · 12/06/2022 16:36

Playing with things that no one else actually wants is not hogging.

But my son wanted to play with it so?

But the little girl was playing too in her own way. I can see both sides and I think it's good to teach your son to share.

Original poster
Noshare · 12/06/2022 16:55

Porcupineintherough · 12/06/2022 16:53

Piling all of something up so no one else can play with them is not a suitable game for a communal soft play area.

This was the point I was trying to make. I understand it was her way of playing. I'm just saying as a parent I'd discourage that as I don't think it's fair to do that, not badgered another child/parent to give over the last one so my child could have all of them.

OP posts:
Louise0701 · 12/06/2022 16:56

What if her daughter also “fixates” and wanted that one to complete the full set for a couple of minutes?

15 minutes is a piss take and you seem like one of those really annoying mums whose little darling is the whole world and everything else comes second to them and their wants.

Original poster
Noshare · 12/06/2022 16:56

more drips than a leaky tap

Where have I dripped anything?

OP posts: