To ask when you're treated differently

[buddylicious]

Another post has made me think about this ...

Do you still encounter situations when men and women are treated differently? A couple of examples are:

1. I went to buy a new car and my husband came with me. I told the salesman it was for me yet he literally just spoke to my husband about the car. (This was a few years ago. I should have said something. I would now).

1. The man is automatically given the restaurant bill. (My brother has told me that years ago, when eating in good restaurants, they would give the men and women two different menus, ie the man's had prices on and the women's didn't)!!!

@DiddyHeck

I went to buy a new car and my husband came with me. I told the salesman it was for me yet he literally just spoke to my husband about the car. (This was a few years ago. I should have said something. I would now).

But your husband should have said something immediately, so he was just as bad. Mine would have (and has) pulled up salesmen repeatedly for this.

He was very shy and quiet back then. He's not now as I've toughened him up and he would definitely say something!!!!

As a Headteacher, one of my governors says things to me that he would never in a million years say to a male Head. I disagreed with him over something in our last meeting and he actually said ,"Ooh, Mrs Toast's getting upset with me!' I said 'Actually, Mrs Toast is finding your opinion ill-informed, patronising and mysogonistic.' Several of the other governors applauded.
And don't get me started on how many governors will say 'Will you try to appoint a man?' if I'm interviewing for a post. I always tell them I'll try to appoint the best person for the job but it can't be denied that men in primary schools get appointed/promoted beyond their capabilities all the time.

Haven't...RTWT - not sure if this happens to anyone else.

I'm a teacher so cannot answer the phone at work. My husband is priority contact for our child who is in primary school. Without fail the school call me, not him, despite me saying everytime I cannot answer the phone (when I eventually see the missed call and return it!)

I'm convinced it's because the go to is the mum.

are all your examples recent?

Finding it hard to believe tbh

I dont tend to experience this sort of thing

As a single female home owner who manages all my own finances and those of DM, plus CEO in my own profession I’ve come across many of these
As I’ve grown older they have lessened - not sure if that’s because it’s improving or because at nearly 60 I get more respect anyway

I answered the door one day to a man knowing on doors offering to jet wash the drive while he was in the area doing a neighbours. I told him I wasn’t interested and he asked if I wanted to check with my husband. I just said no thank you and closed the door.

Years ago, went to buy a car for me with dp. Asked all the questions, checked it was in satisfactory condition, etc but then the sales person addressed his Spiel only to dp. Finally he turned to me and said "and it's got a nice colour, hasn't it?".

He also said he never lets Asians test drive cars as "they only look but never buy anything" so I guess sexism wasn't his only problem.

Was asked to lunch by one of my clients who wanted a favour. I work in a business services company and I am quite senior and my main (peer) colleague and I handle most of the accounts in our sector together. Every day I am back to back in meetings, so I agreed with my colleague we would divide and conquer - I would attend the lunch while he did something else, I moved a few things around and agreed a diary time for 1-2pm. It is agreed that the lunch is about an issue concerning a favour to the client, NOT the client giving us any new business

I get to lunch and client is sitting there already eating with someone else (another man.) He introduces me to the other man when I arrive and asks me where my male colleague is. I explain I am alone today and male colleague - due to the last minute request - has had to go to another meeting but that the two of us with confer at the end of the day.

They then both proceeded to pick up talking about what they were talking about before I arrived. After about ten mins I had given up trying to follow the thread of their conversation or be involved and they had not included me, explained the context or even looked at me since. The waiter had come over to the table and I have managed to order a drink but not food, while they had finished their mains and the waiter is asking them for dessert.

After 30 mins of sitting in silence I interrupt their conversation politely and I say “I’m so sorry to interrupt but I am extremely busy. You told me to meet you here at 1pm, and I made the time to do it, but if you need something or want to discuss something I’m worried I only have 30mins left before I need to go again and I want to be able to help if I can. Perhaps it’s better we talk through it quickly now or we rearrange this for another time?”

My client’s guest, without looking at me, said to him: “you didn’t tell me she was an attention seeker.”

Then he turns to me and says, “sweetheart. We’re all very busy. We’ve all got a lot to do. But let’s humour you and talk about how important you are and how much you’ve got to do for a bit shall we?”

I said “absolutely no need,” then called over the waiter and asked for my drink “to go,” as I was doing this they both started saying “oh dear, she’s having tantrum, wow you really need to cause a big drama don’t you?”

As I was waiting for my takeaway coffee and to leave, the guest of my client was trying to draw attention to me. “Just because she had to wait! Jeez!” End he’s throwing his hands up as a kind of ‘women, what can you do?’ gesture. And as I am getting my bag and coat he’s saying, “No come on sweetheart. Tell me all about you. I want to hear everything. You’re obviously used to getting heard. Come on, tell me how important you are.”

Needless to say, no one did anyone any favours

@Inspectorslack

And I correct use of “the girls” every. Single. Time.

I hate this too.

So many men refer to women as 'girls' regardless of age. Kindly refer to me as a woman . It annoys me a lot.

I had the car thing too.

Ex and I went looking at cars the sales man (no surprise) kept talking to him, despite both of us saying it was my car and my money. We let it go on for a bit and then I said "No there is nothing here for me" and sales man asked (ex!) why. Ex said "Its her money, and anyway I cant drive (true) so I dont know why you think I would be interested in anything on a car apart from the colour!". Needless to say I bought my car from another dealer where the sales man had clearly had a similar bollocking at some point because he asked who the car was for and then spoke exclusively to me!

In my early 20's I was the manager of a barbershop and opened their second location so was managing both (and working my bloody arse off), I reported/worked directly alongside the owner of the company who was never there as he was always travelling. Every male employee that worked there was older than me. Because the owner was always away it was up to me to handle the staff and these guys clearly didn't like being told to get their shit together by a young woman.

However the clients were the worst as they always assumed I was the assistant or receptionist, like it was so baffling to them that a woman could have more power or do something more.

@HashtagSexy

In restaurants, they'll often plonk the steak and chips in front of my husband and the salmon and salad in front of me, which we will then swap in front of them.

At work, a man knocked coffee everywhere and stood there going "Oh, oh no, where are the cloths, oh you'd better do it Jean, I wouldn't know where to start, or you Hashtag...." Told him the cloths were under the sink and today would be the last day he would be able to say he didn't know how to clear up his own mess. He gaped like I'd told him to go and fuck himself.

In a bar, a drunk man spilt his beer absolutely everywhere and the barman leant over and handed ME the cloth to wipe the bar while he dealt with moving the drunk to a seat. With a "could you, love?" No the fuck I cannot! I didn't even know him!

And when my father in law kicked off on a Facebook post. It was a meme shared about a fragile box, saying a delivery of male ego had arrived. I had commented and it was a public page. All I'd said was "haha!" He went fucking nuts, saying how hurtful it was and how it reflected how poorly I thought of the men in my family and how I wouldn't have ANYTHING if it wasn't for men and then went into a deep explanation as to why women are actually the fragile ones and he and his gender are strong and it makes all their strength seem like a joke when people like me take a pop at them! Deep waffle about biology and periods being an expression of weakness.

To that last one, I'd have just written "quod erat demonstrandum".

Coincidentally, Paloma Faith has just commented on her Instagram that she often gets referred to as a "career woman". She said that you don't hear a man called a "career man"!

As a supply teacher you don't rock the boat, but I'd had a shit day and as I was leaving I could see the head in his office so went n to offload

And out of nowhere I heard myself ask, "Do you realise how sexist this school is?"

To give him his due after he realised I had said the school and not him I gave a few examples. The posters about depression and exam stress all had girls with heads in their hands but boys doing things like kicking a can.

The display about sport had girls cheering and the boys 'doing', not only that but the professionals to aspire to was a woman in a tracksuit smiling - no name and the male athlete was Lance Armstrong.

Some of the year 11s were rewarded with a trip to Manchester to see a football match, now I know lots of women watch football but there was no alternative reward and of course it was a men's team they went to watch.

@sashh

As a supply teacher you don't rock the boat, but I'd had a shit day and as I was leaving I could see the head in his office so went n to offload

And out of nowhere I heard myself ask, "Do you realise how sexist this school is?"

To give him his due after he realised I had said the school and not him I gave a few examples. The posters about depression and exam stress all had girls with heads in their hands but boys doing things like kicking a can.

The display about sport had girls cheering and the boys 'doing', not only that but the professionals to aspire to was a woman in a tracksuit smiling - no name and the male athlete was Lance Armstrong.

Some of the year 11s were rewarded with a trip to Manchester to see a football match, now I know lots of women watch football but there was no alternative reward and of course it was a men's team they went to watch.

Did the Head take it on board and do anything about it?

He took it on board, unfortunately I wasn't there long enough to see how things turned out.

But by the time I left he was agreeing with me.

To be fair, they were right (if you were Miss Smith and married Mr Jones, it would make no sense for your name to then be changed to Mrs Smith)

They weren't right, there's no law stipulating what to call yourself after marriage.

@karlakourt

are all your examples recent?

Finding it hard to believe tbh

I dont tend to experience this sort of thing

Not sure if you meant a particular poster or all of us in general.

My experience (crematorium) was October 2021.

We've been having renovations carried out on our home, over the last few years, and one potential contractor when going his quotation, he only spoke to my husband. As obviously my tiny woman's brain couldn't possibly grasp things like VAT etc. It isn't as though I'm an accountant or anything.

"I didn't think anyone was shaking hands nowadays?"

Unfortunately they do. I find it pretty normal in the UK for men to only shake hands with men. Women tend not to shake hands in social contexts and only do it at work. I realise the builder example was a work one and he should have shaken the woman's hands.
What do you do if confronted by a muslim who won't shake a woman's hand because they don't believe in touching anyone of the opposite sex? It would happen from a woman to a man too so not strictly speaking sexist?

@pinkyredrose

To be fair, they were right (if you were Miss Smith and married Mr Jones, it would make no sense for your name to then be changed to Mrs Smith)

They weren't right, there's no law stipulating what to call yourself after marriage.

Exactly. She could be Ms, Miss or Mrs Smith. Up to her. Mrs and maiden name is pretty common.

My current boss actually took me aside and said but men are just so bad at buying sandwiches! Twat. He also told me that every morning whilst the recept was off I was to follow him to the office so he could unlock it and I could take the phones off night service. I pointed out that since he'd made the effort to open the door it would probably be easier for him to push the button.

And my previous boss (oh the joy of only working for small valley companies) revealed that he considered all women employees as admin staff even though 1 was a shareholder, 1 was a fully qualified accountant, 2 were part qualified bookkeepers. I did admonish him very strongly for that.

I signed up to Instagram few days ago for work.

I have had 5 pervy messages from strangers already.

Men don't get that.

A couple of years ago I was buying a 3 piece suite. The salesman asked me if I needed to check with my husband

I took MY van in to get the wing mirror repaired and my husband was with me too. I reversed it beautifully into the garage. The mechanic saw me do it and was surprised my husband wasn't the driver.
I said I'd been busy all morning making small talk. And he said " doing what hoovering and watching daytime TV."
I looked at him with a deadpan stare and said " never mind daytime TV and hoovering, you'll be calling me when you need an Occupational Therapist."
He looked at my husband as though to share a man joke and got more of the same. It made me ❤ him all the more.