To ask when you're treated differently

[buddylicious]

Another post has made me think about this ...

Do you still encounter situations when men and women are treated differently? A couple of examples are:

1. I went to buy a new car and my husband came with me. I told the salesman it was for me yet he literally just spoke to my husband about the car. (This was a few years ago. I should have said something. I would now).

1. The man is automatically given the restaurant bill. (My brother has told me that years ago, when eating in good restaurants, they would give the men and women two different menus, ie the man's had prices on and the women's didn't)!!!

I arranged for a kitchen fitter to come round to quote for a new kitchen. He was measuring up and asking about what sort of thing we were after. I said my husband and I had a few different opinions on some of the non-essential elements, and he told me I should let my husband choose as he buying me a new kitchen...

A few weeks later I had a carpet fitter round to fit a new carpet. As he was moving the bed, on the legs collapsed (it was an old one that we were planning to replace). He told me I needed to get my husband to buy my a new bed.

This was three years ago, and both reasonably young men

A friend was a major in the Army. She was a bomb disposal specialist. Without fail, every time she went out on a job, they would assume her driver was there to dispose of the bomb.

I think financial services are getting better. I recently arranged a mortgage (I'm married but it was in my name only on a buy-to-let) and there was no fuss and no sexist assumptions. 15 years ago I had a similar experience to another poster - the mortgage company wouldn't speak to me about a joint mortgage, I was left off the paperwork, quotes for removals that I got were addressed to my husband only etc.

My builder calls my husband by my surname (we use different ones). DH could care less so I've never corrected it as it amuses me to hear it the other way round. He's the only builder with decent customer skills I've ever used though and he is rammed and has barely ever needed to advertise.

I must have a special look.

Went to dealership with DH and said I was buying a car. Young salesman asked me what I wanted, dealt with me all the time and, when it came to a test drive, opened the back door for DH to get in.

Had the back garden landscaped, discussed it with the team who came to do it. If there was an issue they would ask DH to get me to let them know what was wanted.

Had a boiler repair man in. First visit he diagnosed the problem it was just me in the house. When he came back to do the repair we were both in and he spoke to me about what would be done.

I live in a very rural, fairly insular area, no Metro Man here. If these men can get it right then they all can.

I booked and paid for building work under my name and still the electrician and builder asked where my husband was and trotted off to discuss work with him we are married and it's both our property and money but annoyed me that even though my name was plastered over the paperwork they instantly wanted a man

On the flip side when ever I took our new born out I would get people cooing over baby and complementing me. When his dad wore him in a carrier and was just walking through town he got approached to ask if he was OK

I booked expensive work on my house, with the guy whose company it was. He was lovely. His male employees were about the worse I've had to deal with. They obviously had a problem with taking instructions from a woman. At one point I actually snapped 'because it's my house and I decide what happens!'

This sort of problem is so common with tradesmen that I wonder what the home lives of a lot of them are like.

@BakedTattie

Last night.

We went for dinner and ordered drinks. A different server brought our drinks from who took our order. I was handed the cocktail and my husband the beer.

I had ordered the beer, my husband the cocktail.

Did your husband feel equally aggrieved? Because he was also treated differently because he is a man.

@Thirtytimesround

Clothes shops!

1. My local m&s has mens socks and womens socks. The mens are thick good quality cotton in a range of nice colours. The womens are thinner and tend to have uncomfy sparkly thread running through. The mens socks are cheaper. Obviously I’d like to just buy the mens but my feet are too small! So I bought a bunch and am trying to shrink them down in the tumble dryer.

1. Buying clothes for a boy who likes bright colours is a nightmare. Vast majority of the tshirts pants etc in our local store have sharks on. (Wtf is up with the sharks it isn’t even a local animal 🤣 ) Anyway at kid level

the girls clothes are softer and nicer colours and more varied designs. The boys clothes are made of rougher more itchy fabric, boring grey-blue colours, often only a 1/4 of the stock compared the girls dept.

Maybe boys' socks might be an idea, teen boys' socks are likely to be the same size as women's I would think. Should be even cheaper than men's too.

I often buy men's jumpers or t shirts or coats though because they are always better quality, less see through and made of nicer, natural materials like cotton and wool instead of polyester everything even in the cheaper shops. Plus they're more likely to have good basics in a range of colours and less likely to have something inane written on them or stupid, fussy and ugly additions.

That's interesting you think the girls" clothes are nicer than than the boys' as I think the reverse. The girls' clothes are often softer due to the addition of polyester instead of pure cotton which I hate, it's sweaty, poor quality and bad for the environment. Plus in the girls' range the clothes are less practical, things are ridiculously short (shorts in particular) or tight or uncomfortable and less likely to have good pockets etc.

I think things are changing slowly in children's clothes with more unisex ranges and the obvious answer is just to treat them all as childrens' clothes and pick whatever you like from both sections.

@jessieminto

I kept getting calls on my mobile from our bank but asking to speak to my husband. They refused to tell me why so I said I would not pass the message on. Every 2 weeks for about 10 weeks it went on.

It was always the same guy calling and then he said to me, is this even your husbands phone number? I told him no. My husband has so little interest in the family banking that he asked for my mobile and email address to be his contact details. If you want to discuss anything, it has to be with me. He then proceeded to tell me our joint mortgage was coming to the end of its fixed term and would I like to discuss a renewal.

I made a formal complaint. I opened the account. I applied for the mortgage. I sent off all the paperwork and I made all the decisions, carefully explained them to my husband and showed him where to sign. I'm the higher earner and decision maker. Yet bullshit convention means his name goes first on the application and he is the only one contacted to make decisions hence forth.

@jessieminto - appalling. Was that recently?

We’ve been renovating our house for what seems like forever and 90% of people assume it’s funded by DH.

I’ve had numerous “ah you make all the decisions, and he just signs the cheques” comments. It’s very odd.

Unfortunately- at the school gate. The men are seen as “more important “ but wouldn’t really be included in conversations about cleaning/childcare. The women “norm” by establishing their “credentials “ at running a house effectively- sharing cooking/cleaning/childcare tips regardless of job. Obviously some have nannies and it’s spoken about because we have to do it everyday but still- yet to see a man joining discussions about cleaning.

We went to test drive a car. DH and I both mentioned to the salesman that we work at the University. Salesman asked DH about his research, then said to me "oh are you in admin"....
Not that there is anything wrong with admin posts., just with sexist assumptions. I refused to buy the car from them.

I don't get this for being female, but then I'm a wheelchair user and therefore inivisible - to both male and female ignoramuses (and to the extent that the fuckers fall over me because they don't look where they're going).

1. Junior, less experienced man hired on a higher salary than me, despite my role being seinor, with more responsibility. When I raised it with management I was told to just suck it up.

I had this. I quit and went freelance. Best thing I ever did. I was so furious. It's fucked up.

@PearlclutchersInc

I don't get this for being female, but then I'm a wheelchair user and therefore inivisible - to both male and female ignoramuses (and to the extent that the fuckers fall over me because they don't look where they're going).

This is also true. I'm female and in a wheelchair. Double whammy.

I work in aviation (corporation). About 80% of the time when I meet someone and they ask what I do, I'll say "I work in aviation..." to which they will jump in with "are you a flight hostie/stewardess/etc?".

Never once has someone asked if I'm a pilot.

Bloody annoys me.

*Ah, especially when I'm quite senior on the corporate side of the airline.

In restaurants, they'll often plonk the steak and chips in front of my husband and the salmon and salad in front of me, which we will then swap in front of them.

At work, a man knocked coffee everywhere and stood there going "Oh, oh no, where are the cloths, oh you'd better do it Jean, I wouldn't know where to start, or you Hashtag...." Told him the cloths were under the sink and today would be the last day he would be able to say he didn't know how to clear up his own mess. He gaped like I'd told him to go and fuck himself.

In a bar, a drunk man spilt his beer absolutely everywhere and the barman leant over and handed ME the cloth to wipe the bar while he dealt with moving the drunk to a seat. With a "could you, love?" No the fuck I cannot! I didn't even know him!

And when my father in law kicked off on a Facebook post. It was a meme shared about a fragile box, saying a delivery of male ego had arrived. I had commented and it was a public page. All I'd said was "haha!" He went fucking nuts, saying how hurtful it was and how it reflected how poorly I thought of the men in my family and how I wouldn't have ANYTHING if it wasn't for men and then went into a deep explanation as to why women are actually the fragile ones and he and his gender are strong and it makes all their strength seem like a joke when people like me take a pop at them! Deep waffle about biology and periods being an expression of weakness.

Two female bank cashiers would not / could not change my status from Miss to Mrs without changing my surname on the account to my husband’s (whose surname I haven’t taken).

@buddylicious

Another post has made me think about this ...

Do you still encounter situations when men and women are treated differently? A couple of examples are:

1. I went to buy a new car and my husband came with me. I told the salesman it was for me yet he literally just spoke to my husband about the car. (This was a few years ago. I should have said something. I would now).

1. The man is automatically given the restaurant bill. (My brother has told me that years ago, when eating in good restaurants, they would give the men and women two different menus, ie the man's had prices on and the women's didn't)!!!

I experienced the menu thing in Italy a few years back. I thought it was charming.

We went to Mexico on our honeymoon and it was booked under my name. The hotel changed the booking and put it under my husband's name. When we turned up and tried to book in, there was initial confusion.
I complained to our TUI rep at the time in passing when discussing trips we could do and she said it's ridiculous and they've spoken to the hotel about it but they won't change their policy.

@Campervangirl

Two instances, one of which was good (not sure if the good one counts) Double glazing salesman sat in my front room wouldn't let me sign up until my partner came home and signed, on a house that I owned, me, by myself, arsehole wouldn't budge so he left with a flee in his ear 🙄

The good one, booking into a hotel, away with work colleagues, I'm the only female, receptionist gives every male colleague their keys and states which room they're in, she slides mine across the desk face down so you can't see the room number, smiles and says that's your room key, doesn't say the number out loud. Sister had my back!
Later that night a colleague texts asking which room I'm in so we can get together for a nightcap 🙄
Soooo thankful for the receptionists discretion. I ignored the text btw

I love the hotel one! We need more women doing this x

I am female and have a male secretary. People often get confused and assume he is my boss.

When I viewed my house the estate agent told me the house was very expensive and there were cheaper houses available. She was lovely to the males viewing.

I have to wear steel capped boots for work. The only ones in my size from the supplier are for women, due to bright pink trim, however this is the only concession the manufacturer has made to women as although the length of the food is correct the shoes are far too wide to be made for women.

@Thirtytimesround

Try flying Emirates airline on your own. I was seated next to a random man (fine) and the the air crew assumed we were together and gave him all my drinks snacks etc. I was invisible to them because in Emirati culture the guy is the boss and you don’t speak to his woman directly 🙄 I had to chase the staff down the aisle to get my lunch because they offered him two meals but he only took one.

In the UK it’s workmen who drive round the bedn. They assume my time has no value and I’d love to spend all day listening to them chat. If I tell them what to do on my project they start advising me why my taste is wrong. If my husband is around and gives thm an instruction they just do it, none of this chatter or arguing.

I am surprised at that because I have flown Emirates alone a couple of times.....mind you it was quite a few years ago. I found the service quite normal, I wasn't ignored or expected to be with the bloke I was next to.

@SamphiretheStickerist

I must have a special look.

Went to dealership with DH and said I was buying a car. Young salesman asked me what I wanted, dealt with me all the time and, when it came to a test drive, opened the back door for DH to get in.

Had the back garden landscaped, discussed it with the team who came to do it. If there was an issue they would ask DH to get me to let them know what was wanted.

Had a boiler repair man in. First visit he diagnosed the problem it was just me in the house. When he came back to do the repair we were both in and he spoke to me about what would be done.

I live in a very rural, fairly insular area, no Metro Man here. If these men can get it right then they all can.

Yes I think I must have that look too :)