Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you consider your spouse's family to be your family?

265 replies

bridepanic · 20/10/2021 14:12

Just curious really - I see a lot of people on here who discuss their husband's family as very separate to themselves and their family.

I'm about to get married, and am very close to my fiancé's family and he's very close to mine. We are very much of the mind that our families just become our family, jointly. Problems we face in the future with care/illness or joys that happen (nieces and nephews) are things we will share and experience together.

Growing up, my Mum's family had that attitude towards the in-law's, although my Dad's very much didn't, so I have seen how this isn't always the case in practice as well as just on here.

I realise that at the end of the day, if something happens, our families will always retain a certain 'loyalty' or bias towards their own child/sibling, so don't need to be told my POV is very naive. I'm just curious as to how others feel and why they feel like that - does it come from you or your in-laws creating that distance?

OP posts:
AddictedToLuv · 20/10/2021 16:17

I'm about to get married, and am very close to my fiancé's family and he's very close to mine.

Then the answer is yes.

Every family is different. I would have liked to treat my in-laws as part of my family, and I did for many years. However, my MIL told me to my face that I am not family and whatever I do has nothing to do with her, and my SIL followed her lead. So, after flogging a dead horse for a good while, I gave up. This has caused me a lot of stress over the years.

If you feel that way about your in-laws good on you and cherish each other.

LadyJaye · 20/10/2021 16:18

Not really. They are nice people and I get on well with them at social/family gatherings, but if OH and I were to split up, even after ~20 years, I doubt I would see them again - we don't have kids by choice, so there are no 'ties'.

I don't, for example, see my OH's nephews (for all they are very nice young men) in the same way I see my sister's children.

I imagine OH would say the same about my family. For what it's worth, we're both very close to and get on very well with our respective families.

NotQuiteUsual · 20/10/2021 16:18

I'm off to stay with my PILs with the kids and no DH next week. They're my parents too as far as I'm concerned. But me and DH have been together since we were teens and my PILs took me on when my mother wasn't interested.

On the other hand, my DH certainly doesn't view my mum as family after everything she's put us through. But HE does view my dad and his partner as family and them him.

Fudgein · 20/10/2021 16:22

No. We all get along fine, comfortable enough around each other but if we separated I wouldn't see them again socially. Apart from my nieces and nephews, although even then, I do wonder if DP met someone else how we could explain that. So even that may ebb away. (Have known them since they were born & they are now 10 & 11) DP makes little to no effort with my family and wouldn't see them without me there even with the kids.

Beurre · 20/10/2021 16:23

I treat them with respect but they're not my family. Plus, things might be different if they weren't money sucking vultures, expecting DH to financially support them.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 20/10/2021 16:23

I did for years. Later came to realise that it was really not.

Brainwave89 · 20/10/2021 16:23

I was close to my FIL and nursed him when he had cancer. Sadly for the rest now no contact. For me this all depends on the people. My SIL stole my MIL's jewellery box when she died. Originally denying all knowledge, then making a show of giving rings/chains to her daughters and then claiming the box was a gift- she hated FIL and did nothing to help when he was sick, did not see him during cancer, but was in his house demanding it be sold the day after he died.

Greyeverywhere · 20/10/2021 16:24

I do consider them my family but quite honestly I don't know if they consider me theirs.

Just10moreminutesplease · 20/10/2021 16:25

Yes, but not in a like for like way. For example, I care about PIL about as much as I do my aunties and uncles, not my own parents.

GenderAtheist · 20/10/2021 16:28

@julieca

And few in-laws keep in touch if the couple divorce and there are no kids. So I think few really do see them as the same as family really.
This. I spent 20 years caring for my H family. I did all the wifework - cards, gifts, hosting them, keeping in regular touch, helping with weddings, visiting when they were sick or in hospital, sending flowers etc. We ever had one family member come to stay with us for several months due to a family crisis and H did bugger all.

The H ran off with OW and they never saw me or the kids every again. It was like they all disappeared overnight.

Cuntness · 20/10/2021 16:30

I want that kind of relationship with my MIL but I can't. I just can't.

It's a shame.

LadyDanburysCane · 20/10/2021 16:31

DHs family are very much my family too (apart from the couple that he is NC with). His family have always treated me as one of their own too. It’s lovely.

EssexLioness · 20/10/2021 16:33

My ex’s family, absolutely! My current in laws I don’t consider family at all, even though they are nice people.

Ljmumun · 20/10/2021 16:35

Nope not since MIL said you won't understand your not family too me when I asked about a family issue . Had been married to DH 13 years and was the mother of her only grandchild at the time. Always civil too them but can't think of them as my family.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2021 16:38

@Cuntness

I want that kind of relationship with my MIL but I can't. I just can't.

It's a shame.

I understand, I wanted that to. I grew up with my parents being very, very close to their in-laws, so that was normal to me. I tried for years when my MIL, but in her mind I was always the enemy, so fuck it. I won't waste a second more on her.
TonTonMacoute · 20/10/2021 16:39

As PPs have said it really all depends on the individuals involved.

If you do get on well with members of your OH's family, and he gets on with yours then that is a big bonus and it makes everyone's lives whole lot easier and more pleasant!

caringcarer · 20/10/2021 16:40

Yes. My in-laws have accepted my DC as their own grandchildren and always treat them the same. That makes them my familly too.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2021 16:41

*wanted that, too.

Damn phone

ImJustMum · 20/10/2021 16:42

I did but have little to no relationship anymore once their blatant favouritism of DBil got so bad it upset DH and then leaked into our children once DBIL had a child. They see my kids once a month when they remember we exist or DBIL is busy and only ring DH when they want something. They cant work out why my youngest DC wont go near them and hides from them for ages.

RicherThanYow · 20/10/2021 16:43

Nope. My family and his are like chalk and cheese, I’ll never really feel accepted as part of their family and to be honest, I wouldn’t want to be! We get on fairly well and support each other but it’ll never be the same.

EvilPea · 20/10/2021 16:43

Fuck no.

Really really tried. But no.

ClaraLane · 20/10/2021 16:48

@ImJustMum

I did but have little to no relationship anymore once their blatant favouritism of DBil got so bad it upset DH and then leaked into our children once DBIL had a child. They see my kids once a month when they remember we exist or DBIL is busy and only ring DH when they want something. They cant work out why my youngest DC wont go near them and hides from them for ages.
Exactly the same here. SIL and her husband are the favourites by far and we don’t get a look in. They go away for secret weekends together, tell us they’re poorly so can’t see us when they’re actually all together and lie about being busy when we ask what they’re doing. We don’t bother any more.
firstimemamma · 20/10/2021 16:48

My in-laws are 100% my family and my MIL is like the mother I never had. I'm estranged from my relatives.

Embroidery · 20/10/2021 16:50

No. Strange people I barely tolerate mostly.

Nikkic2123 · 20/10/2021 16:50

No
My in laws are very different to me. Different up bringing, different morals, they have none, I was brought up to respect others, they don't, I was rated to be happy when someone is doing well, they only like you when you're in the gutter, they also do not treat me like family, they love to hate me! so no, I do not think of them as my family, my husband does think of my family as his family and my family treat him like one of the family. I do however make sure our children know they are their family x

I'm so thankful for my family.